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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
GlassOnTheLawn · 30/06/2021 21:18

In fairness, it's laundered and good quality stuff so that's fine. I just feel misled as she described it as 'a couple of bags' and I have said to her that I'm not a massive fan of pink and frilly so she could have maybe left those items out if she was being considerate

They’re laundered, good quality but she gave you too much and she didn’t go through it to remove the pink frilly stuff. Maybe she didn’t have time? I think she was considerate to give you the clothes (rather than selling them or taking them all to a refuge or charity).

Maybe she kept them thinking a friend might be grateful one day.

You can put them into size order yourself? You can donate any pink frilly bits or things not to your taste? Vac pack the bigger sizes. Kids grow so quickly; before you know it they’re in 2-3 or 3-4 years. Some of those pink items might come in handy for nursery, messy play, spares. Babies don’t stay babies for long.

Mine used to go through 6 or 7 outfits some days; nappies leaked or she brought up some milk, or spilt food/drink on herself. It’s very handy to have a cupboard of clean spares.

Ari202 · 01/07/2021 17:30

I’d be really happy if someone wanted to ‘offload’ their baby stuff on me. I think it’s a lovely gesture

OVienna · 01/07/2021 17:32

Haven't read much beyond OP. You'll get told you're an ungrateful cow though, saw one "Be kind" and I had to stop reading. So annoying, this sort of thing. I had one friend try to give me all of her boys clothes before we even knew what we were having, she admitted they were doing a clear out and is the sort of person who would let you take her stuff to the charity shop for her. I fended that off. (Also, I had another girl so was already chocka.)

But you must find out if she wants it back. Not unheard of, even with that sort quantity.

Hertsgirl10 · 01/07/2021 17:32

This sounds so ungrateful and can not believe how many people agree with you 🙈

starfishmummy · 01/07/2021 17:44

Well you can hardly take her up on her offer and then moan becajse she did!! Honestly sorting it wont take much effort done in short bursts. Just do a rough sort first and then just the ones you like (if any, lol) for size/damage.

You'd need to launder new things anyway so thats no more work.

If you have a child like mine was with frequent vomits and poonamis then you will be glad of plenty of clothes even if not your ideal choice.

starfishmummy · 01/07/2021 17:56

@Hertsgirl10

This sounds so ungrateful and can not believe how many people agree with you 🙈
Same here. I know we all want everything to just so, especially for our first, but some people sound such hard work. Accept with good grace and pass along if it isnt the exact shade we want.

No wonder we send huge mountains of unwanted clothing we send to Ghana et al

MyrrAgain · 01/07/2021 18:06

That much is a bit excessive... If she could be bothered to bag it up and put it in the car why not bother to take it to charity for the same effort. Which makes me think she might have actually wanted you to have it rather than trying to dump crap on you.
I got bags of stuff for no.1 from 3 people. Kept the good stuff and charity shopped the rest. Ended up using it with all the kids. Don't be too miffed. It's not that big a deal for you to take to charity. Some of your post sounds unnecessarily ungrateful.

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 01/07/2021 18:07

Sell it on Vinted! You’re sitting on a goldmine! Accept it all 😂
seriously, don’t through it away it’s not good for the environment.

LawfulSearch · 01/07/2021 18:12

Wow! You sound really ungrateful. How lucky you are to be in such a position to throw it away. Give it to charity as some people are not as fortunate.

PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 01/07/2021 18:12

If I’m unsure whether someone’s being cheeky /taking the piss or not my rule of thumb, especially in child or baby related situations, is to think ‘would this happen to a man?’

For some reason I can’t see someone giving a dad-to-be six bags of baby clothing and assuming they’d have the time and inclination to sort through it all, separate it by size, decide what they like, take the rest to w charity shop etc.

Mary54 · 01/07/2021 18:18

As other posters have said, check, sort, charity shop.

But don’t underestimate how much clothing is needed!
I notice you said you had only got a few things. I remember being shocked by how many clothes we needed for dc1. Babies seem to have a sixth sense for aiming milk, sick or poop at clean clothes.

ganesha · 01/07/2021 18:20

I understand what you mean but you will be surprised how helpful it will be in the long run. I have had a friend pass loads down to me, the first time she did I freaked out but actually when baby came was so thankful to have it all.
I always say to people to only give me stuff they don’t want back that way I can give away what I don’t like, pass on stuff when I am done with it.
I am grateful not to really have bought anything for mine - I know from my first it’s quite exciting to go buy them when you want to but really has taken a lot of pressure off me tone so prepared.

MRex · 01/07/2021 18:20

You don't have to sort through it if you don't want to, you didn't ask for it. Ask your local children's centre if they'd like it, they tend to know people in need and can pass it on. Otherwise just drop it at a charity shop.

Peaplant20 · 01/07/2021 18:23

You’re not ungrateful at all and people saying things like it doesn’t take that long, aren’t very empathetic, they don’t know how much time you do or don’t have to spend on something like that! I would quickly rifle through and take out the bits I liked then take the rest to a clothes recycling bank as then you don’t have the faff of finding out which charity shops are accepting and which hours they accept etc. I really feel you on the pink stuff! I also accepted a lot of stuff from friends, and then kept accepting more in the hope it wouldn’t be pink but every time everything was pink and flowery! So only ended up with a handful of things in my taste out of a huge amount of clothes! It’s very surprising to me how much pink people still buy as I thought it was a lot more popular to buy neutral colours now.

phoenixrosehere · 01/07/2021 18:24

Hertsgirl10
This sounds so ungrateful and can not believe how many people agree with you 🙈
Same here. I know we all want everything to just so, especially for our first, but some people sound such hard work. Accept with good grace and pass along if it isnt the exact shade we want.

I agree with OP because she was misled on how much she was going to get. Friend sent a picture of how much she was supposedly giving OP and turned up with way more than she initially said when she could have easily informed or ASKED OP beforehand.

Not everyone has the time, space and/or energy to sort through mountains of clothes that they didn’t ask for.

StardewMelons · 01/07/2021 18:27

When I had my first baby I wanted everything brand new. Special, Id probably have been offended at peoples hand me downs in any quantity.... Now I have grown up a bit, and realised how helpful some free seconds could have been, I feel a bit silly really... I would take everything I would actually use and donate the rest and be grateful now... Babies puke and mess up things very quickly, good to have lots of spares.

Hollywolly1 · 01/07/2021 18:56

I think your friend was horrid to you and exceptionally cheeky to off load all those bin vans into your car never mind the fact your 30 weeks pregnant.
You are having a new baby you are quite entitled to decide what you want your baby to wear,fair enough if she showed you a few hits and to ask ifvyiu are interested and if not she would put them back in her own car.
Also with covid who knows where those clothes have been,se people are extra fussy these days especially with a baby

Hollywolly1 · 01/07/2021 18:57

Bin bags not vansConfused

Shell4429 · 01/07/2021 19:01

I’m inclined to think you don’t realise how many clothes babies go through in a day. Especially if they ever get an upset tummy! Get some vacuum bags and give them all a wash and you’ll be able to slide them under a bed, chest of drawers or whatever. I think you’ll be glad of them in the future.

CinnamonCurls · 01/07/2021 19:04

I hate this too. This happened to me and I was so ill when I was pregnant and had a room full of bin bags of secondhand clothes (when I was only told 1 bag) that I just didn't have the energy to sort through. Then lockdown happened 2 months before I was due and me and my husband were doing a sort out and decided to go through the stuff. There was so much in there with tags on that my friend's son had outgrown too quickly from Next, M&S etc, that we wouldn't necessarily have spent on. Definitely worth going through it because they do grow out of things quickly and once they get to the 6-9 months stage and you've run out of gifted newborn and 3-6 month clothing, it really comes in handy!

FunMcCool · 01/07/2021 19:10

I know it’s more admin for you but can you take the unwanted stuff to a women’s shelter? Just say no in future! I just say oh my house is bursting at the seams!

Mamanyt · 01/07/2021 19:10

[quote TooManyAnimals94]@thelastgoldeneagle you're right, I won't let it go to landfill. It just pisses me off that as soon as I tick off one job on my list, someone tries to give me another one![/quote]
There will be someone out there who will be thrilled to have it. Pass it on. Yes, I know it is a hassle, especially since it was misrepresented, far more than you expected, and not organized at all. But drop the whole mass of it at a charity shop...someone will love to have it.

As for the jobs on your list...I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but get used to it. Once the baby is born, that will become the norm, and at about 1000 times the speed it does now. I used to have a tee shirt that said, "MOTHERHOOD! It's not just a job, it's an INDENTURE!" I wore it with pride.

And I would never call you ungrateful, just overwhelmed, which will be your natural state of being for the next, oh, say, eighteen years.

Tigger1895 · 01/07/2021 19:10

Babies don’t need much to begin with but a baby grow that they sleep in tonight might not fit within a week. We found some outfits marked 0-3 were outgrown in a month and 3-6 fit at 3 but definitely not 5.
So go through the bags and keep enough stuff to get you tru winter and offer the rest back. If not wanted donate.
BTW Supermarket and superstore clothing are particularly small sizing.

Bertiebiscuit · 01/07/2021 19:14

I suspect you aren't fully understanding how many clothes new babies get through and how expensive it all is - do don't jump the gun - spend some time sorting through it, give anything you really won't use to a charity shop but try not to be quite so judgey , you might be glad if quite a lot of it when the reality of a baby smacks you round the head, as it definitely will

AnnieSnap · 01/07/2021 19:21

@Viviennemary

It's cheeky. Sort through it. Keep any bits you want. Rest to charity or women's refuge.
Is it cheeky or generous?

To the OP, I do think you are being unreasonable. Baby stuff sells you know. Your friend has chosen instead to give it to you. She probably doesn’t expect you to keep everything, but thought you could go through it and see what you would like. 🙄