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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 01/07/2021 19:23

This kept happening to me! Some of it was helpful as it meant we didn't have to buy much at all in the first sizes and I got almost my entire maternity wardrobe passed on by someone else!
I like secondhand as better for the environment and saves money BUT the quantities were absolutely ridiculous. The maternity stuff was from one friend and I kept about a quarter of what she passed on. The total amount was more than my entire non-maternity wardrobe. I also got very overwhelmed dealing with the sheer quantity of baby/toddler stuff from someone else. It was multiple vast bin bags full. I checked that they were ok for me to pass it on, but I've only needed to keep a fraction of what's been passed to us, but have had to sort thru all of it, and then find somewhere to pass it on too. It feels like I'm effectively doing the sorting for them.
I've tried saying things like 'thank you, but I've got plenty of leggings in x size, but could do with some short sleeve tops if you've got any you want to pass on' but that resulted in 4 bin bags containing whole range of clothing in several sizes.
I now do a very quick sort - anything that is damaged, dirty etc goes straight in textile recycling, anything I don't like straight into charity shop bag. I then look more closely at the rest to see if it fills gaps (I've got a list of what we need on my phone) and the majority of that then joins the charity shop bag.

ERFFER · 01/07/2021 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2021 19:32

I think dumping six bin bags full of baby clothes on somebody is a bit cheeky unless they're having quads.

gentilleprof · 01/07/2021 19:50

6 bags! That's ridiculous. Take it to a charity shop.

whataboutgus · 01/07/2021 19:55

I had the same happen fo me when pregnant. Ok so loads of great things passed on that I was grateful for but I really think people give stuff away because:

1 - it's easier than giving to charity
2 - they can't bear the thought of chucking stuff away esp precious baby clothes
3 - people don't want to buy second Hand baby stuff so they can't sell it
4 - they feel they're doing something nice

The stuff I inherited (and still do) can be overwhelming and also some of its crap with stains on and well worn. I tend to Chuck it in the clothes recycling bins

Madjakelmum · 01/07/2021 20:07

Wo. What an ungrateful cow you are. Sort through it and take what you want and give the rest to charity!
How bloody awful of you friend not to have thought of you in advance and buy only neutral colours! You are a bitch friend.

dopeyduck · 01/07/2021 20:09

@abricotine

How annoying. I think I'd message her and say, thanks for the clothes, as you know our flat is small and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount. I have sorted a few things I need and I wondered if you would like the rest returned or if I should donate it to charity.
This would be fine
user1493494961 · 01/07/2021 20:26

Glad you're not my friend.

phoenixrosehere · 01/07/2021 20:26

Wo. What an ungrateful cow you are. Sort through it and take what you want and give the rest to charity!
How bloody awful of you friend not to have thought of you in advance and buy only neutral colours! You are a bitch friend.

How awful of you to call a stranger “an ungrateful cow”. All for people having an opinion, but name-calling is utterly juvenile.

Buffs · 01/07/2021 20:31

I’d be grateful if someone did this for me.

Twokitstwokats · 01/07/2021 20:32

You have a few bits in a few sizes? You need bags more. Good job you now have them... you'll be surprised how well they fit into drawers once folded properly. And how cute your baby looks in them.

CoodleMoodle · 01/07/2021 20:41

Someone did this to me. She has boys, I have DD and DS, who is the youngest of the four. She said she had "some bits" from her two. I didn't really want it because we already had plenty, but accepted it thinking it would be a couple of carrier bags.

It was TWELVE bin bags full of clothes. Twelve! Plus some baby blankets and towels, which we already had because a) we had DD and b) DS was about 8mo by this point, so we had plenty of the basics.

I was genuinely grateful for the thought but it was far, far too much and felt like she was just dumping it on us. We were drowning in it, and there wasn't much for me to keep as our tastes are very different. In the end I called BHF and made an appointmen for a man came in a van and took the vast majority away.

I sympathise, OP!

8dpwoah · 01/07/2021 20:45

I know this isn't the point of the thread at all but I now feel unreasonably proud of all my clothes sorted by size into vacuum bags and filtered out for grubbiness before going into storage. I don't consider myself very organised or tidy so OP's (and everyone else who's had similar) situation has made me feel better, at least if I dumped my stuff on someone it would be clean and sorted already 😂

Minniem2020 · 01/07/2021 20:57

Often baby units in hospitals need newborn clothes especially. Both of the hospitals where I had my DC had a supply of clothes for anyone that might need something

TheVolturi · 01/07/2021 21:01

I have 3dc and I love being given hand me downs! It's so useful. I always put them on Freecycle after we're done. Always gone same day. I'd never throw clothes.

YummyButter · 01/07/2021 21:02

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

As someone seriously struggling with money and unable to buy all the baby items we need, I would genuinely cry happy tears if someone did this for me. Please don’t dump it, it could be much needed for someone struggling. If you don’t want the stuff either return it to her or ask if you can donate the stuff you don’t need / want to charity.
@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

Are you able to PM me? I have plenty of boys/neutral clothes I would be more than happy to send you via a local shop or something (obviously not to your address). All in decent condition.

Bangolads · 01/07/2021 21:02

Olives loved loved loved the bags of clothes from friends with kids. It always made my life easier. Life is busy so I guess I can understand your annoyance at another job. In my experience you’ll be grateful tbh with you. They grow quickly- plus I think your friend meant well.

Loubiemoo · 01/07/2021 21:15

@TooManyAnimals94

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes. However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no? We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually. As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour. I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car. As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.
Regarding your last sentence, if you wanted neutral, you should buy your own.
phoenixrosehere · 01/07/2021 21:18

I know this isn't the point of the thread at all but I now feel unreasonably proud of all my clothes sorted by size into vacuum bags and filtered out for grubbiness before going into storage. I don't consider myself very organised or tidy so OP's (and everyone else who's had similar) situation has made me feel better, at least if I dumped my stuff on someone it would be clean and sorted already

I do this too. I thought it was the norm. That was how the women in my family did it as did their friends.

mistermagpie · 01/07/2021 21:28

I have this happen to me all the time and I love it!

I had two boys (5 and 4 now so really easy to do hand me downs between them) but my third baby was a girl. I'm not bothered about her wearing boys hand me downs but most of ours have done two kids already so are pretty worn.

Enter my friends who all have girls and are done with having babies! One in particular had a baby exactly a year before my DD was born so the seasons match up and she has given me bags and bags of stuff. It's all washed, ironed and nice quality and I have been incredibly grateful. My daughter has so many lovely clothes and I have barely bought her anything bar socks and things. I've had bits from my other friends too and their generosity has always been appreciated.

I wouldn't be too happy with people giving me dirty or torn clothes just to get rid of them , but most people just want their stuff to go somewhere it can be used. My friend loves it if she sees my daughter in something her daughter has passed down and the planet is happier too.

I guess it depends how you view these things but if you don't need the clothes then try to pass them back, or to someone who desperately needs them.

PaperHalo · 01/07/2021 21:29

I find this really sad. I love the world of baby hand me downs Smile

Fluffmum · 01/07/2021 22:08

Just take what you don’t want to a charity shop. Or get your Mum to take them

Fluffmum · 01/07/2021 22:08

Me too.

Insanelysilver · 01/07/2021 22:27

If you don’t want second hand stuff and can afford to buy why you need then I’d put it in a charity shop or offer it to another mum who might be really grateful for it.

ElderMillennial · 01/07/2021 22:33

You probably should have just told her you didn't want it at the time.

Now you have it you should keep what you like and donate the rest. We have a local Facebook page where people give things away and people usually collect. Maybe you could try that instead of a charity shop. Sometimes people want clothes for the material too.