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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm having a baby, not opening a charity shop.

317 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/06/2021 13:58

Context: I'm 30 wks pregnant with our first baby, have enough clothing bits to get us through the first month or so with LO bearing in mind we don't know how big she will be so just got a few babygros and sleepsuits in various sizes.
However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?
We met for breakfast and in the cafe carpark she opens her boot and there are like six bin bags of clothing in there. I start to say that I really don't need/want all of that and she pretty much just shoved it all in my car, laughing about how I'll get through it eventually.
As well as the general inconvenience of having to sort through so many clothes (not arranged in size or anything, just shoved in there) we have a flat with very limited storage space which she knows and I feel like she just couldn't be bothered to go to the charity shop/dump and thought she would try and make it look like she's doing me a favour.
I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it...feels awful but probably easier. She also mentioned that all her work friends keep trying to offload stuff on me, all in the name of 'helping' me.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have experienced this...feeling annoyed that I wasn't more assertive when she just started loading stuff into my car.
As an extra bone of contention, everything is so horrendously pink...when this friend knew I prefer neutral colours.

OP posts:
LittleNibbler · 30/06/2021 14:45

@Enterthedragons

There’s a clothes bank in practically every single supermarket car park… are people not aware of this?

If you don’t want them throw them in there, job done. Someone will get good use out of them. Don’t take them to the dump that’s terrible.

@Enterthedragons they took our local one away 😭
TheRebelle · 30/06/2021 14:50

No point giving it to a charity shop, they can’t give second hand baby clothes away, never mind sell them.

Whenever I’ve given second hand clothes away I’ve picked three or four nice items, sent a photo to the person and said would you like these or have you already got similar? that way they can decline without feeling they’re hurting my feelings. I’m well aware no one wants bin bags full of washed out, stretched supermarket vests!

PicturesOfLily · 30/06/2021 14:51

I think YAB a bit U. I was woefully unprepared for how often I’d need to change dd1! I thought she’d go straight into 0-3 but she was in 1 month for 5 weeks despite being 91st centile for length & weight. I had to send my dm out to buy more clothes that fit. She didn’t have reflux or anything but we still got through 7 outfits on the worst day. I was also anti pink/anything girly but actually pink really suited her. Your friend probably thought she was being nice and helpful. I had another of the same sex and like reusing outfits but even so, some things only get worn 3 or 4 times before they’re outgrown and I’d love to see them get used again.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/06/2021 14:51

@TheRebelle that’s not true, there’s several branches of children’s charity shops near me that are well stocked with good quality baby clothes, I get lots from there.

Ozanj · 30/06/2021 14:53

I can understand giving you the clothes but not washing them first is disgusting and suggests she’s probably thoughtless in other areas as a friend.

My Sil’s son is four months older than my DS’ son; and even she sent poo and sick covered stuff to my sister when I asked if she had any old clothes she wanted to pass on to just send them on when Mil visited. Her baby was huge, well over 100 centile, so I knew there would be lots of newborn clothes she never even got to use; but instead of sending one of the newer sets she sent the poo / sick covered stuff. Looking back it was definitely a symptom of her general thoughtlessness about us in general - she thought she was superior to us at the time & wanted to hammer that home in the only way she could. Hopefully it isn’t the same with your friend!

Enwi · 30/06/2021 14:58

YANBU. This really annoyed me and we had it SO much with both my pregnancies. I explained second time around that it was another girl, born in the exact same month as her big sister so there was definitely no need but people still turned up with bags of old clothes to ‘gift’.

My advise would be to make very clear that people don’t have any expectations with what you do with the bits you don’t want. I had a friend ask 12 months later if I could give her some of the too small bits back for her friends’ baby… she had forced the things on me in the first place and most of them were badly stained/ missing matching sets etc so went straight in the recycling!

TheRebelle · 30/06/2021 14:59

[quote SmidgenofaPigeon]@TheRebelle that’s not true, there’s several branches of children’s charity shops near me that are well stocked with good quality baby clothes, I get lots from there.[/quote]
Really? The charity shops round this way won’t even accept baby clothes, they told me that because supermarkets sell them so cheaply no one buys them second hand.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/06/2021 15:01

@TheRebelle yes, they’re called Fara, lots of branches in west London, for all kinds of kids stuff. They’re great. They’re very picky about what they take though- has to be good condition, quality/clean. Lucky baby DS will be kitted out in loads of The White Company stuff which of never have bought new.

PrincessNutella · 30/06/2021 15:01

I would not hate people doing this. You don't even have a baby yet! Surely you have a couple of hours to look through a few bags of free clothes. After all, it takes time AND money to buy even one outfit for a child. Babies grow quickly and need clothing in a number of different sizes. They also do all kinds of unmentionable things on their clothes. Finding nice clothes for babies is a pain. It's great to have extra items, and it's also great to have the little things you forgot--socks and hats and extra swaddling blankets and light jackets, etc. Also, clothes appropriate for a certain season. Your friend has given you something really useful. It can give you clues about how many clothes and the kinds of clothes babies actually need and how they use them. If I were you, I would approach this experience with appreciation and interest, not with contempt.

Cyw2018 · 30/06/2021 15:02

As an older mum I had a LOT of baby stuff given to me, my friend who's DD is the same age as mine is 10 years younger, so none of her friends have kids older than hers and she is also struggling financially so I sort through the stuff I'm given, choose the pieces DD needs and then pass the rest on to my friend.

My DD is 3 1/2 now and the amount of clothes I'm being given now is drying up as kids destroy clothes at this age, so I'm grateful to be getting hand me downs from multiple sources now.

The skill is to have in mind what you actually need and ruthlessly sort and pass on.

VeganVeal · 30/06/2021 15:02

You sound hormonal OP

NotSure94 · 30/06/2021 15:03

Baby banks will be delighted to take them off your hands - no guilt for you and you're doing a good thing - and you reclaim your space!

Do just check that she's not expecting them back at any point as that can trip people up when they bin all the stuff then friend gets pregnant again...

impossible · 30/06/2021 15:05

We were broke when we had our first dc and we were so grateful for the second hand stuff we were given - which we passed on ourselves when our dcs had grown out of them. Your friend is right too, you'll be surprised how much much a dc gets through. Pick out what you want and give away the rest or give it all away if you don't need to save money.
Either way, you sound rather ungrateful.

VestaTilley · 30/06/2021 15:06

She probably meant well. They do grow so quickly so you will need clothes for the later stages before you know it.

But if you’ve no room for it or it’s not to your taste just keep a few bits that you like (to show to your friend) and give the rest to charity- someone else will be very grateful for the clothes. Please don’t throw them away!

iduno · 30/06/2021 15:07

She cld actually be giving you some really nice bits for all u know. So I wouldn't necessarily put it down to getting rid of it on you. She could have easily taken it to a charity shop herself or dumped if she wanted rid of it that much.

You should have been assertive and told her no and stopped her putting it all in your boot. Before getting rid of it I think you should message her back and say u didn't want to offend her but u really don't have the space for it so does she want it back or ul take it to the charity shop.

I got given a lot of clothes by my sister and some still had tags on and everything was in great condition. She also had quite a few beautiful designer pieces.

Blossomtoes · 30/06/2021 15:07

I spoke to my mum about it who said I should just take it all to the dump and not even bother to sort through it.

I actually gasped when I read that. Please don’t. Take it to a charity shop, textile bank or women’s refuge. Putting in landfill is just awful, such a waste and so bad for the planet.

chillychills · 30/06/2021 15:08

Put baby clothes bundle on Facebook marketplace for free, someone will want them and will also come to collect from you.

mumofmunchkin · 30/06/2021 15:11

Check with her whether she wants back what you don't want, and then send what you don't want/all of it to a charity shop, clothes recycling, or women's shelter.

This really annoys me, personally. I love it if someone passes a few nice items onto us. It really bugs me if we are used as the destination for all the stuff they couldn't be bothered to sort out. My sil said she was sorting out her kids old shoes and would I like any, I said yes if she had any trainers in x and y sizes, and then ended up being handed a massive IKEA chock full of every pair of shoes off her shoe rack, including the ones with holes in and ones missing their pairs.

They're only being helpful if it's actually helpful. When someone does this, they are trying to help themselves (by having a good clear out under the guise of passing the clothes on) rather than you.

toocold54 · 30/06/2021 15:14

However...a friend of mine offered a few bits and I took her up on it, mainly because she offered a baby carrier which I do actually need and I thought its a free bag of clothes...why say no?

YABU you can’t have it both ways either you want things given to you or you don’t. You don’t get to be picky when you’re already asking for freebies.
Sort through the stuff you want and then pay the rest forward and give it to someone else who needs it.

MargaretFraggle · 30/06/2021 15:15

I loved getting bags of clothes, as did my kids, especially as they got older. Anything not useful I gave to charity. But you are free to say No thanks.

ravenmum · 30/06/2021 15:21

Take out three things then give her the rest back saying "Thanks, I've gone through it and taken the things I want". And next time don't say yes if you don't want a bag of free clothes.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 30/06/2021 15:21

It's not easier to give it to you than to a charity shop. It involves exactly the same effort. So your friend didn't 'dump' stuff on you. They thought they were helping.
My friend asked for some of my LO's stuff and I dropped off two plastic boxes. Similar to you, they then decided they only wanted one and not the other and whined about feeling like a charity shop. I took the box back. It didn't make any difference to me whether it went to her or a charity shop. It had all been washed and sorted into styles/sizes, etc.

HollowTalk · 30/06/2021 15:22

Double check she doesn't want any of it returned, first. Get that in a message, not in a phone call, in case she kicks off later.

Ajl46 · 30/06/2021 15:22

@ViceLikeBlip

This drives me bonkers! People constantly trying to offload their crap on me and even saying "and if there's anything you don't want, you can just take it to the charity shop/dump". No, how about you take your own crap to the bloody dump! Why should I, heavily pregnant, have to do that shitty job for you, and then pretend to feel grateful for it?!

I'm absolutely with you on this one. Personally I would give this whole load back to the owner (blame your partner if you like 😉) and then practice saying very firmly "no thank you, we've got everything we need".

And then go and waste money on other outfits when you find you haven't got enough?!
Ajl46 · 30/06/2021 15:24

@PairOfPears

I’m with you OP, people just can’t be arsed to sort it out themselves and it pisses me right off. They drive off feeling smug that they’ve done you a massive favour and been eco friendly but in reality you’re doing their grunt work in order to salvage a few bits that you never wanted and wouldn’t have chosen. If they wanted to help they would pick out some good quality items to your taste or invite you to look through and pick out what you’d like. I don’t know why people get off on making a heavily pregnant person sort through all their shit.
Surely less work than actually going shopping? You have to wash new stuff before the baby can wear it anyway...
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