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Dp night out, I don't want him to go

376 replies

Summerdaysx · 29/06/2021 21:33

NC for this as I am a regular poster.

Dp has a night out planned for Saturday.

A few things are bugging me,

We have so much extra to pay for this month and just simply cannot afford it.

His friends are all talking about "getting the pussy" "going to lap dancing clubs".

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Now I am in no way going to tell him "he's not going"

But what can I do? He will still go anyway no matter what I say!

I wish he would have to isolate for 10 days .

I simply cannot be bothered with all the arguing about it.

He will just say we will get by with money "we always do". He honestly has an answer for everything.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 01/07/2021 17:44

This is not looking good.Sad

lastcall · 01/07/2021 18:15

FFS, be glad he left his keys behind. Don't let him back into your life! He's a selfish wanker trying live the single life while you do all the grunt work.

Call the council. Get your council tax down to 1 adult. See what support you might be entitled to. And get on to CMS if any of the children are his.

You're well rid. Someday you will hopefully see this.

FindingMeno · 01/07/2021 18:53

I'm hoping you've got a friend or family who can actually come and physically be with you and help you feel stronger.
I know it feels like it's all crashing in, and you're scared, but ask yourself what you would advise a friend to do in your situation.

Summerdaysx · 01/07/2021 19:28

I am trying to distract myself and can't. I sound pathetic but I feel lost, feel like any minute I am going to be violently sick. What can I do to ease the pain?

Why do I feel not good enough? When I do EVERYTHING and I mean everything for him.

Why does it hurt so much?

I physically can't eat.

He told me he might be back in a few days once he clears his head? What about my head?! What about my dd's?!

Feel like getting in my car and driving away from here, leaving everything behind

OP posts:
Drovememad · 01/07/2021 19:33

Oh god @Summerdaysx he has you exactly where he wants to!

You've got to try to get some strength, he will not come back when he sees fit in a few days time. You've got to say no.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/07/2021 19:33

He will be back in a few days 'after he clears his head' which means after this stupid night out during which he can now act as a free agent and then tell you nothing bad he did counts as he told you he was leaving you. Then, if you take him back, he'll know he can do whatever he likes and you'll stay with him. He's made his choice - frankly he wouldn't be welcome back in my home after prioritising those kinds of friends (who want to 'go get some pussy' and drool over the idea of lap dances) over me.

RightYesButNo · 01/07/2021 19:35

He told me he might be back in a few days once he clears his head? What about my head?! What about my dd's?!

There it is. @youvegottenminuteslynn is right. Nothing about “head clearing.” You’ll hear from him on Sunday or Monday, once he’s had his night out, and probably acted like a single man and slept with some random woman, telling you he wants to come home, and he expects by then you’ll be so grateful, that you won’t care he went out at all. Please don’t get into this pattern or he’ll start doing it every time you disagree and he wants something.

lazylinguist · 01/07/2021 19:37

Oh OP, have some self respect. It hurts now, but you will be better off with out this poor excuse for a partner. He has manufactured a flounce so that he can go and do whatever (and whomever Angry) he likes at the weekend and then come back, claim you were on a break, and blame you for causing him to leave in the first place. He clearly thinks you're an idiot. Prove him wrong and don't let him come back!

bluehydrant · 01/07/2021 19:55

@Summerdaysx

I am trying to distract myself and can't. I sound pathetic but I feel lost, feel like any minute I am going to be violently sick. What can I do to ease the pain?

Why do I feel not good enough? When I do EVERYTHING and I mean everything for him.

Why does it hurt so much?

I physically can't eat.

He told me he might be back in a few days once he clears his head? What about my head?! What about my dd's?!

Feel like getting in my car and driving away from here, leaving everything behind

Do it and take DD with you. You both deserve so much better.
cantgetmyheadroundit · 01/07/2021 20:02

It's s precisely BECAUSE you do everything and give everything, that he thinks he can do what he likes.

I know it's hard, but you have to grow a pair and show him. Tell him he's not welcome once he's 'cleared his head'.

KurtWilde · 01/07/2021 20:13

Of course he's said he might be back in a few days. 'Clearing his head' whilst being single on his weekend out.

Lex634412 · 01/07/2021 20:16

@Summerdaysx

I am trying to distract myself and can't. I sound pathetic but I feel lost, feel like any minute I am going to be violently sick. What can I do to ease the pain?

Why do I feel not good enough? When I do EVERYTHING and I mean everything for him.

Why does it hurt so much?

I physically can't eat.

He told me he might be back in a few days once he clears his head? What about my head?! What about my dd's?!

Feel like getting in my car and driving away from here, leaving everything behind

Sending you a big hugThanks
chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 20:18

Will you take him back?

Please don't do it for DC, they don't need to grow up seeing the most important person in their life treated like trash.

Lex345 · 01/07/2021 20:23

The only acceptable reply to his "might be back in a few days" is "no, you won't"

ExtraOnions · 01/07/2021 20:27

What a fucking charmer he sounds like.

He’s done this once, he’ll now do this every time you have a fall out or disagree with him - that’s not the life you want, too scared to say anything in case he flounces off again.

Nah …. Get some bin bags, put his clothes in them and put them outside the door. Make sure he doesn’t have keys, block him on messenger for a few days. He cannot be allowed to treat you like that. Do not message him - let him go hunting for pussy (vile)

Who’s around for support ? Friends, family (people who are just there for you) , make sure you talk to them.

You will get through this, and you’ll be in a better place without this man child in your life.

MarshmallowAra · 01/07/2021 20:28

He's a shit partner (and father).

  • out spending money when you as a couple/household have had to borrow money from your mum to get by.
  • hangs out with vulgar, sexist, disrespectful strip club crawling "lads" and presumably thinks it's ok to, at the very least, go into strip clubs as an attached man with a child (and not even a stag do, not that that makes it much better imo).

Now he's been challenged on those two bits of shit partner material behaviour he's thrown all his toys out of the pram, left the relationship, and by proxy his child's home .... Really shit partner.

If he doesn't mean it, he's an absolute c*nt who'll distress you really badly (and your children are bound to sense your distress, and yes not parenting his child while not in the home) to do what he wants, even when he's in the wrong. And thinks you'll take him back no matter what he does.

If he means it, I'm very sorry, but I'll just call a spade a spade. ... He dies not care really care about you, your relationship, your family together, his child etc. .... He is nowhere, not in the same universe - as invested or committed or attached as you are.

Either way, I'll tell you what he strikes me as .... He thinks (like his mates( women are shit on his shoe, he thinks they're lucky to have him, he thinks they are to be put in their box, will take what they're given and be grateful, won't ever tell.him what he can and can't do, and he's the the boss end of story.

You're being given a big foot in the face lesson in that right now, whether you get back together or not.

He and his mates are on the sane page on that by the sounds of it. Birds of a feather, flock together (and reinforce each other).

Blokes like this rarely rarely change, I think you're into an absolute loser with him, no matter what happens.

I'm sure if you're honest with yourself a out everything to date, this has not come out of nowhere, you know what he's like.

yacketyyak · 01/07/2021 20:30

He told me he might be back in a few days once he clears his head? What about my head?! What about my dd's?!

Has he orchestrated this so that he can have a guilt free lads night out??
Is he gaslighting you to take the focus away from what he's getting up to??

What has your relationship been like generally before this.

I'm so gutted for you OP X

MarshmallowAra · 01/07/2021 20:35

What's notable is that you weren't even totally opposed to this night out - if it happened at a later date when your family is not struggling for money and taking loans from relatives.

(That's putting aside the very uncomfortable subject of the sleazy (and to me totally inappropriate for an attached man) plans on the night out).

Even that perfectly reasonable view (about money) has been met with an absolutely extreme, mental reaction. Beyond unreasonable and he seems to be of the "you won't tell me what to do, little woman, not at any time in any way, I'll press the nuclear button if you think for a second you can" mentality.

(Not that i think you were trying to tell him what to do btw, you were asking him to be reasonable, you shouldn't even have to have asked).

DancesWithTortoises · 01/07/2021 20:39

He wants to be single for the weekend OP.

Don't let him come back. He will do it again and again.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 01/07/2021 21:04

Oh, OP, kindly, you’ve got this all backward. Flowers

STOP doing everything for him. You’re not his maid, and you’re not his mother. Doing everything for someone (certainly a perfectly capable adult) does not lead them to respect you. In fact, it’s the complete opposite.

Stop begging him to come back. You are giving him all the power. And look what he’s doing. Wielding it.

As a PP said, he’s got you right where he wants you. And you’re literally running to position.

Please help yourself. The one thing that will have him running back to you is if you tell him to get lost and mean it.

BastardMonkfish · 01/07/2021 21:32

@Summerdaysx

It's not a shared home, it's my home. He left the keys he had.
Good! What an excellent opportunity to get shot of the arsehole who treats you and your child like shit.
Summerdaysx · 01/07/2021 21:57

Reading these comments is giving me a little bit of strength. I had been texting him all day basically begging for him back. I have sent a final text saying I know he has made his final decision and I won't contact him anymore.

All this over a night out, that he could easily have put off until next month.

My heart is broken and I don't know if and how I will get through this.

Couldn't have picked a worse week, came off my anxiety and depression medication to enable me to start on new tablets, and my car failing it's mot.

Yes life could be so much worse, but right now it feels like my world is falling apart under my feet.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 01/07/2021 22:09

Reading these comments is giving me a little bit of strength. I had been texting him all day basically begging for him back. I have sent a final text saying I know he has made his final decision and I won't contact him anymore.

Except you know he'll be back. And will you really not contact him any more, or were you just saying that in the hope that it would spur him into changing his mind? I hope the thread has given you strength - the strength not to take him back even if he's the one begging.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/07/2021 22:31

@Summerdaysx You do not deserve this. You have done nothing wrong. You unfortunately chose a selfish git to share your time & love with.

He has shown his hideously selfish true colours. Seriously look at what he is doing, what his actions tell you. He does not love you. He loves what you do for him, for making his life comfortable. He does not have any respect for you.
You do not love the real him. You love what you thought he was.

I'm so sorry. Cry it out in bed tonight, get up stronger tomorrow. Bag up his stuff ready & mentally bin him. When he calls after the weekend trying to creep back, tell him to pick up his stuff which will be on the doorstep, you don't want him back. Have someone with you when he collects it, or go to your mum's.
If the car is yours and the repairs are worth it, save up some money & get it back on the road. SORN it in the meantime to save the road tax. Take him off the insurance.
If it is his, he can come & remove it when he picks his stuff up. Tell him he owes your mum for the money she lent for the car.

Be a strong example for your child. Neither of you should be treated like an option. You will be a priority for someone who loves you. Flowers

Summerdaysx · 01/07/2021 22:36

@lazylinguist I'm not going to lie, I'm an honest person, if he was to walk through the door this minute I would stupidly take him back. But my plan is to get stronger everyday so that when and if he comes crawling back next week I will be in a better mental state and be able to tell him no.

OP posts: