Dp night out, I don't want him to go

[Summerdaysx]

NC for this as I am a regular poster.

Dp has a night out planned for Saturday.

A few things are bugging me,

We have so much extra to pay for this month and just simply cannot afford it.

His friends are all talking about "getting the pussy" "going to lap dancing clubs".

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Now I am in no way going to tell him "he's not going"

But what can I do? He will still go anyway no matter what I say!

I wish he would have to isolate for 10 days .

I simply cannot be bothered with all the arguing about it.

He will just say we will get by with money "we always do". He honestly has an answer for everything.

@CoffeeBeansGalore thank you so much for your kind words.

The car is mine so that won't be a problem. It is going into the garage tomorrow to get fixed, again my mum is kindly helping me out.

I know deep down he can't possibly love me, because if he did he would never treat me like this. I do truly love him, would do anything for him and my dd, and I mean anything, but he is the opposite.

I just hope I can somehow get through this and find the strength to do so. My mental health is not in the best place just now so I am acting irrationally etc compared to what I usually would but it feels right now like someone has ripped my insides out, stamped all over them and put them back inside. My body is aching. Thank you again for your kind words.

@Summerdaysx Please take care of yourself. Your mum sounds lovely and supportive.
When you feel like contacting him, don't. You need to remember how he is making you feel today. Someone you love should make you feel happy, safe, content. You can disagree, argue, but still love one another. He is not making you feel loved.
My heart goes out to you. You will get through this. Believe that you deserve better, because you do.

Are you able to stay with your mum for a few days? Just for some support and help with your DD? It might make you feel a bit stronger

Oh @Summerdaysx, I recognise those feelings. I remember them all too well and they were half a lifetime ago! The throat constriction, the inability to swallow... argh.

My go-to at that time was milky coffee with a bit of sugar in it, and bananas. Anything that required too much chewing was an absolute no-no. Anything dry wouldn't go down. Anything fatty made me retch - it took months before I could face cheese again, and longer for melted cheese (my favourite food! :( )
I stayed away from alcohol on the grounds that if I started, I may never stop and I had to function for work. You have to function for your DD.

So those are my tips - change them as you need to, but make sure you DO eat/drink, even if only tiny bits, just to keep you going. Not eating will make your health worse, and you don't need that right now.

The pain is very real - I honestly felt like I'd been punched in the stomach most of the time - but it DOES pass. And yes, if my ex had come back in the first few days, I might have taken him back too - but I'm SO GLAD I didn't!

As a friend put it - he's smashed your relationship, your trust, and your love, like a china ornament. Sure, you can glue it back together, but you'll always be able to see the cracks and the glue - it will never be the same. Some people can live with that - but you'll always be wondering when it's going to fall apart again, and that's not healthy for you.

Keep talking on here if it's helping. DId you tell your mum what he's done? What did she say?

He can go to a lap dancing club, but have to get a taxi home..I wouldn't drive out late, to pick him up.Maybe he can share a taxi with his friends.

You might want to read through the rest of the thread, @1forAll74.

Just take one day at a time OP, but please remember that you do not deserve to be treated like this. If you allow him back after this, you are telling him he can do this whenever he likes.

OP, this is hard to hear, but he is doing you a favour. He is SCUM! He happily takes money from your DM, goes out without a single care to you and your DD, doesn't care he has up and left you in debt with a broken down car. He is truly a selfish piece of absolute shit from the sewer. GARBAGE! What real man would do that to a woman especially the mother of his child? He truly doesn't give a shit about you, his DD, anyone but himself and getting some pussy (probably why he hasn't committed/married to you, he can up and leave just like that - no commitment).

Do NOT beg him to come back, you need him back to run you into debt like you need a hole in the head. You should never have to 'beg' a man to love you or stay with you. But you especially don't need or want to beg for his 'love', he is not capable of it and you can well do without the likes of him. Aim higher, don't beg for scum like him. If he can up and leave like that (conveniently at the time of this night out, which even without actual clubs open, there are other options), he never loved you or cared about you. Don't you want a man who loves you, cherishes you, and wouldn't hurt you like this? And who wants a 'prize of a man' who happily gets into debt, borrows off your mum and then instead of paying it back or saving for repairs, goes and spends money on himself and booze and possibly women? Who needs that anvil around their neck? That's no prize! Leave him in the gutter.

OP, he is pure scum, and you deserve so much better, he was punching way above his weight with you. Don't lower yourself to take back the maggot after he's had his night/s out with the 'boys', booze and women. Gather your self respect, he is scum and does not deserve you. He has shown you who he is, BELIEVE HIM THE FIRST TIME!!! Do you truly want your daughter to grow up thinking he is an example of virtue? Your DD deserves better than him, too. Change the locks and throw his crap on the doorstop. Don't ever take him back again.

What an arsehole OP - I am very rarely a crier of LTB but I think it is called for here. How had this all happened over a night out?! That is what he thinks of you and your family

I hope you find the stregth Op.

I find it incomprehensible that anyone can love someone who treats them so badly.

Do know that you deserved to be loved & treated well, don't you?

Today is not a good day. My heart is breaking, I have been sobbing on and off, my friend made me call the doctor as she says she is really worried about me.

He has text me today saying he doesn't know what he wants he needs some time away to see what he really wants.

I had been texting him all morning, I have stopped now and am going to try and make sure I don't text again.

It's weird it's like I am out of control, I know I shouldn't be texting him etc but can't help myself.

I am a doormat!!

One with a broken heart

I - and many of us here - have been where you are now @Summerdaysx and it's so, so hard to detach, I completely get it. It's easy for people to say ignore him etc, but in practice it's far harder. For him, he probably started detaching weeks ago. For you, it's all fresh. Be kind to yourself, but please for your own sanity switch off your phone and give yourself some breathing space. It's amazing how much better you feel when you're not constantly checking your phone, thinking up texts to send, laying your heart on the line.

@Summerdaysx Can you go to your Mum's? Easier to distract yourself when you have company. I would want my dds to come home to me for a few days. Please take care.

Off topic, but are lapdancing clubs open again? In Scotland at least adult entertainment is still closed

Oh OP, I should have RTFFT! I’m so sorry for you. You know you are better off without him. Sending much love

Do yourself a favour, pack his stuff, drop it off. Take yourself and your daughter to a friends or relatives for a few days and leave your phone behind.
If you have him back after this, it’s only a matter a time before he does it again. People can only repeatedly treat you badly if you accept it.

I think he'll be back after having his night. He's doing this just so he can get his way and go out without the hassle.

You need to tell your mum what he has said and done so that she can support you.
Don't be embarrassed by HIS actions.
Also by telling your mum she might help you find the strength to say no to him returning.
Don't hide the true story from her to help save face for him.

Go to your mums, explain what has happened and give her your phone for the evening so you can't message him.

Stop begging. You shouldn't be doing so because you've done nothing wrong whereas he has put his tank little scrot, misogynist mates before you. And begging will only be making him think of you with more contempt than he already does.

He will come back once his night out is over. A day or so later. And he'll say that whatever he did this weekend 'doesn't count' as you weren't technically together. Mark my words, that's what he will do - so decide now if you want to be with a misogynist, nasty bloke like him or not and act accordingly.

Please got to your mums OP as it will help give you the strength not to keep begging him back.

He is punishing you for raising concerns about the night out. He will probably come crawling back because he knows you want him to but it will be on his terms and you will forever be afraid to challenge him on anything again in case he leaves.
Please don’t give him this power over you.

Please go to your Mums.

He is using you - you say you do everything for him, now think about exactly what he ACTUALLY does for you?

Make a list if you need to, now ask if those things are basic common decency that everyone should do or are they actually special?

I had a friend who told me her OH was amazing, he cooked dinner, he cleaned up, he bought her flowers...

Yes he did do those things, but he only did them after spending HOURS belittling her, gaslighting her, emotionally draining her...

AND.. she was working long hours earning a lot of money, he was jobless and living in her house contributing nothing at all...

So whilst the things he did that were nice appeared wonderful it was ONLY because they were in contrast to the awful things he did ALL the time...

His reaction to you suggesting that going out isn't appropriate right now is to dump you and mess with your head?

Has he done this before, have you ever been worried about telling him you don't like an idea or don't want him to do something before - have you avoided disagreeing with him because you worry about his reaction?

That isn't normal, that isn't what a loving relationship is, at all.

You don't love this man - you THINK that you need him to be safe, to feel needed, but that's not true, at all.

Don't contact him again.
Don't let him back in the house.
Don't see this as him leaving you, see this as YOU being SET FREE...

If he does come crawling back next week, for God's sake don't take him back. If there is lap dancing or they're in the pursuit of 'pussy', he's probably ended it with you so he can have a night of guilt free shagging around.
He sounds like a twat, consider this your lucky escape.

@TheSoapyFrog

If he does come crawling back next week, for God's sake don't take him back. If there is lap dancing or they're in the pursuit of 'pussy', he's probably ended it with you so he can have a night of guilt free shagging around. He sounds like a twat, consider this your lucky escape.

that's my thoughts exactly. But we weren't together he'll whine so i was allowed to have a ons. Total twat, you don't need him nor does your dd if this how he thinks about women, i doubt he's a saint if his 'mates' are so disgusting,

Totally agree with everyone on here and you've had some fab advice.
I just wanted to say, this is a snapshot of 1 phonecall that you have overheard.
It's very unlikely that the only time he has ever spoken like this, or helped 'hunt for pussy' happens to be the one time you've caught him.
This is his (and his friends) style, he just usually masks it better.
Good, decent men don't suddenly behave like this, it's always been there.

I know you're struggling OP, but please, try and see the reality here.

You tried to make him act like an adult, so he left.
Now he needs a few days to clear his head, which just happen to be over the weekend.

So he'll get to have his night out after all, and even better, be officially single so do whatever he likes, then come back to you, and you'll be so grateful.

Delete his number from your phone.
Speak to your GP.

Every time you feel like begging him to come back, imagine your daughter being you. Would you want this for her?