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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not getting the love I need?

141 replies

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:02

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:06

@NinaBeee

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU? I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together. He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

We have a DD who's 2 btw.

OP posts:

Dawninrealisation · 29/06/2021 14:12

This doesn't sound right to me.

When you love someone you do all you can to make their lives better, to help them out, to make them feel good about themselves.

Was he ashamed to follow your business?

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:23

@Dawninrealisation He didn't give a reason, his reason was that he doesn't use his instagram (he didn't have any posts up) so he doesn't see why he needs to follow it. When he actually does use it on a daily basis to browse etc
He didn't understand that I'm asking him to do it for me. It's just really strange

In his mind he does everything for us to make us feel loved by him working and buying us what we need when he is able to etc. But not actual physical love. Like the way I want to hug and kiss DD all the time it should be like that with your spouse too, you know?

OP posts:

FFSFFSFFS · 29/06/2021 14:27

You sound needy and that you have a particular/idealised view of what "love" should look like. Being someone's world is not a healthy attachment style.

Maybe he's feeling suffocated?

mewkins · 29/06/2021 14:28

Has he always been like this or has it changed over time?

Justcallmebebes · 29/06/2021 14:30

All I can say is that I am very similar in that I'm not a huggy/kissy person at all and it doesn't enter my head to hug my partner before or after work. It doesn't mean I don't love him or care, I'm just not tactile and it wouldn't enter my head to hug or kiss someone spontaneously

Justcallmebebes · 29/06/2021 14:32

And yes, I wasn't going to say but as FFS has said it already - I would feel extremely suffocated in your DH's position. It does seem very needy

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:32

@FFSFFSFFS I'm not needy and he knows it himself, he knows he's not giving me what I want
We always communicate and I ask him too how would he like to receive love, so we both are giving each other what we want and are happy in return

But not giving your wife affection generally? That's not needy lol, everyone is different I completely understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:34

@Justcallmebebes I understand where your coming from, my sister is exactly like you. But she understands that everyone is different and has different needs
Sometimes you need to compromise and as a couple give each other what you love
I'm a busy working and studying mum I'm not asking to be in his hands 24/7 lol just general affection here and there. And to be missed when apart :)

OP posts:

FFSFFSFFS · 29/06/2021 14:35

he knows he's not giving me what I want

literally the definition of needy

RatherBeRiding · 29/06/2021 14:36

Was he like this before you married? And if so didn't you think it was a problem back then?

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:36

@mewkins I'm not sure tbh, he was sort of like this but different. In the beginning of our relationship he wasn't but I think that was the "honeymoon stage" as they call it lol

OP posts:

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:37

@FFSFFSFFS if someone wants something that's needy? Not really hun

OP posts:

Garraty47 · 29/06/2021 14:39

It sounds like you're not particularly compatible.

You're very tactile, he's not. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, you just don't need the same level of reassurance.

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:39

@Garraty47 that's true especially with the reassurance, we are kinda different in that case.

OP posts:

littlepeas · 29/06/2021 14:41

You sound needy and insecure op, sorry. The ‘I’m his world’ comment is most telling - nobody should be anyone else’s entire world - you need to be individuals too. People don’t tend to be all over one another in mature relationships. There are many ways to show love.

Aprilx · 29/06/2021 14:43

You do sound a little needy making a thing over wanting a hug every morning and every evening. Sounds like you could be suffocating.

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:43

@littlepeas it's ok, I don't mean it in the literal sense that "I'm his world" I just mean it in a romantic way if that's makes sense
I know realistically that's not possible of course because you can't make a person your world so I take that back.

OP posts:

Northernsoullover · 29/06/2021 14:43

I couldn't cope with demands to hug from my partner. I'd feel smothered. I'm not tactile at all

Dazzylazzy · 29/06/2021 14:44

I would hate to be married to someone like you! I’m sorry you do sound very needy. I don’t hug my DH before and after work I see no need. I’m not remotely tactile it feels suffocating. Everyone shows love in a different way you seem to have a very blinkered view of love. I’d be much happier with a partner who works hard and shares the day to day tasks than one who talks the talk of love and does bugger all.

BastardMonkfish · 29/06/2021 14:45

Sounds like my DH. Over time I just got used to not being fussed over. I didn't really need it - I was just used to it from previous (teenage) relationships. Half the time it's me heading out and not even saying bye let alone giving him a hug and a kiss now

bigbaggyeyes · 29/06/2021 14:45

Mr friends dh is just like your dh, I've never seen them hold hand or cuddle. He says he shows his live towards her and the family by completing DIY tasks and being very hands on with practice stuff. He made her a greenhouse type thing as he knew she wanted one. But he's never thing to hug her when she got home after a week away.

She's happy with this and it suits her, but it obviously doesn't suit you and you need him to show love another way. I'm not sore he can, so it really all depends on if you can cope with living like this or not, or if he's willing to change

Original poster

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:45

@Aprilx I don't see how me wanting general physical affection is needy? I never said it has to be exactly at a set times every day, I was just giving examples

OP posts:

LaLaLand888 · 29/06/2021 14:46

I don't think you're needy or insecure, that's fucking bollocks. You need affection. So do I. So do most people. I personally would not be able to live with him. It may be you are just incompatible or maybe he doesn't love you. As devastating as both of these scenarios might be, it's better to realize it sooner rather than later. I genuinely could not live with a man who doesn't hug me or shows me affection. Call me needy but life's too short. My boyfriend is not just a room mate.

twoastars · 29/06/2021 14:47

I feel for you OP. Of course everyone's needs are different affection wise but I would feel sad if I had expressed that a proper hello/goodbye would make me feel loved and safe in the relationship and it was then completely ignored. You're allowed to say what you feel and it's the little things like this that make you feel happy in a relationship IMO

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