Not getting the love I need?

[NinaBeee]

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

@Dazzylazzy exactly !!!! "Everyone shows love in different ways" and everyone's likes to receive love in different ways too!
My husband doesn't hate being married to me thank you very much, he loves me so much and so do I
I know how much he loves me through the things he does
But I'm talking about minor physical affection. And for your comment, thank God you aren't married to me

I disagree that you are too needy, you are just with someone who is the complete opposite to you. I’m the same as you in a relationship and thankfully so is my DH so we just work. I would recommend looking up the five love languages online, it’s really useful info on understanding each other

I don’t think you sound needy OP. I think it’s perfectly healthy and normal to want to receive affection from your partner and give it back. I’d feel awful if my partner didn’t ever spontaneously hug or kiss me, hold my hand etc. Not as a constant thing but at least daily.

So I disagree with the other PPs here - but everyone is different. And I’d also ask why you married him if you thought you had an incompatibility with physical affection?

Plus the Instagram thing is just ridiculous. Basic request of support from your partner in your business and he can't do it

you lost me at "hun". [sorry I couldn't resist]

You do sound a bit needy tbh. And the more someone asked me to follow their instagram page the less likely I would be to do it. Yes I know that sounds really stubborn and annoying but it would make me feel like that.

My husband isn't lovey dovey at all, I like kisses and cuddles but he doesn't show his love for me that way all the time, I would much rather he offered to make me a cup of tea or shared the driving of our kids around or made the garden look amazing or put up the shelves I wanted, or cooked me a lovely meal to show how much he cares for me that "endure" a hug every morning and night.

I am like your husband. I dont feel the need to talk to him when he is only away for a day or two. I dont always hug or kiss him when I leave or when I see him unless we are going to be apart for a few days. We show affection in other ways. I am just not very tactile or gushy about my emotions at all. I do hug and kiss my kids a lot but even this is tailing off with the bigger one and in any case it's kind of different with very young kids as they are much more tactile and use this to express how they feel more than they use words.

The other things would upset me - being argumentative for the sake of it and not following your business. It's not the point if he 'needs to' follow your business or not - it would have made you feel supported at little cost to him and might have got on some of his friends radars. I'd have done this for a friend let alone a partner (unless it was an unethical business like MLM or sweatshop clothes or something).

@BastardMonkfish yeah I understand I do think that when priorities grow etc it'll be harder on both sides to remember when to give affection and hugs etc as we both get busy, but it's nice to give affection every now and then. Not saying it makes you less as a person of course
I receive all of the love my husband gives me in the way he can, all I'm saying is he is allowed to put in effort to make me happy whether that's a hug every now and then lol

Neither of you are in the wrong, but neither of you can expect to change the other. You have different styles of expressing love. Your style is not more right than his. You either need to accept this or move on, you can't force him to change.

How do you show someone that "they are my world"? I love my DH but he is not the entire center of my universe. I would find that a rather suffocating relationship.

@StormBaby thank you! Yeah I'll definitely do research into it I've heard of it

Your husband sounds like me and you sound like how my husband used to be. It drove me up the wall. He was so needy. I just wasn’t naturally huggy. It wasn’t malice or spite or love being withheld, it just didn’t occur to me because I don’t need to cling on to someone every five minutes to ‘give and receive love’. 🤭

@peachyandkeen thank you I'm glad someone agrees lol. To be honest I didn't really see it as a problem back then, only recently after having DD etc but I have spoken to him about it
Also the other issues in the thread

@Briarshollow lol I definitely couldn't handle hives every 5 minutes I'm really busy with DD but every now and then :)

@Briarshollow haha omg I meant hugs** not hives

@twoastars yeah it was strange that he didn't want to follow, but he did support it

Do none of you (PPs) cuddle your partner in bed at night? Even for 5 mins?

I’m honestly stunned at this if so! I must be living in a different universe

@Iamblossom I'm not just "someone" though I'm his wife lol
Also yeah that's what you prefer, but I appreciate and love any thing he wants to do for me, but I do prefer affection

Imagine I told you that you were needy for wanting someone to do things for you and make you cups of tea and clean for you all the time.
People want different things t

@DrinkFeckArseBrick yeah I completely understand of course. My point is I understand my husband is different of course. But I am human and we all are interested and prefer different things
Out of the love we have for each other, we can give each other what we love
My husband loves it when I cook for him and I don't enjoy cooking at all. But I do it for him! Because I love him, and that's what he prefers
Same way I prefer hugs and kisses every now and then, he should also be able to do it out of love for me.
And he does, but I have to remind him sometimes lol

@peachyandkeen it all sounds cold to me lol.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick exactly about the business part. And he doesn't understand that at all.

My husband loves it when I cook for him and I don't enjoy cooking at all. But I do it for him! Because I love him, and that's what he prefers

He ‘prefers’ you to cook for him? Even though you can’t stand it? Why does he prefer that? Because he’s lazy or because he thinks it’s a woman’s job?

@LaLaLand888 lol thank you!!

@FFSFFSFFS

You sound needy and that you have a particular/idealised view of what "love" should look like. Being someone's world is not a healthy attachment style.

Maybe he's feeling suffocated?

Phew. I thought the same.

This kind of suffocating neediness would drive me bonkers.

@Briarshollow no he does cook himself but he enjoys my food more, which is fine.
It's not like I'm going to cook if I'm tired and don't feel like it "because he prefers".
I'm just simply stating an example of doing the things your partner prefers/loves

@AfterSchoolWorry please read through the thread where I took that statement back because it's not what I meant lol