Not getting the love I need?

[NinaBeee]

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

@billy1966 yeah I'm just really unsure of what to think. I didn't know he was feeling like this and I told him holding it in and not giving me affection because of it has really ruined things

You sound very needy, OP.

I'd find it suffocating and unbearable. I assume you're very young.

[quote NinaBeee]@CastawayQueen yeah. And he's saying it would make him feel appreciated after working hard and long hours.[/quote]
But what about you? You also work long and hard looking after the house. When do you get a break? Are you a SAHM or do you work part/full time?
I think you need to sit down and clarify expectations.

The issue is thought that he has a tit for tat mindset (she didn’t do this, so I won’t do that). It’s a personality trait and never bodes well as everything becomes a precise calculation which is the opposite of warm and loving.

@SofiaMichelle you’re on every thread castigating the OP - take a break for gods sake..

@SofiaMichelle I think that, I crave the love I deserve. Within means. Completely fine and natural.

@CastawayQueen I'm a SAHM also in uni. I agree that mindset is horrible and you can never please someone like that

Nothing needy about wanting affection. So bizarre to read that so many posters don't.

@CastawayQueen I told him that I also do much and he keeps saying he knows, but I'm so confused then lol. I kept saying how do you want me to show you appreciation then! Through washing and cooking? He may have just made it up because I do all of that when I can during the week.

OP,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you enjoying a tactile partner.
The thing we all want is to have our needs met in a loving, caring, respectful way.

I don't think you have that.

I am a bit of a cold fish, so husband and I are not terribly lovey dovey, whist caring very deeply for each other.
We do like a hug though!

I would be very concerned about where your husbands head is.

It's certainly not kind.

Protect yourself OP, because him deliberately with holding affection, knowing you like it, means he is not thinking kindly about you, and he hasn't for a while.

I would be very wary of a man like that.
I certainly wouldn't depend on him.

You sound lovely.
Don't change who you are for any man.

@billy1966 thanks for your kind words, truly means a lot. I'll take that advice definitely.

[quote NinaBeee]@Wearywithteens okay I guess it's a wrong example then. :)
Everyone prefers to be hugged and shown too instead of giving it. [/quote]
No, 'everyone' doesn't. Honestly your rather aggressive ' I'm right, anyone else who says/does different is wrong' stance is pretty bloody wearing in itself.

@FrankieDettol

Nothing needy about wanting affection. So bizarre to read that so many posters don't.

Equally bizarre that some posters can't accept that not everyone is an Identikit model of themselves.

I'm similar to your DP. It's about finding an equal balance and not taking it personally.

I had an ex who would get upset if I didn't cuddle on the sofa whilst we were watching tv.... I just want to sit at the opposite end and be comfortable. I felt forced into it to keep the peace but hated every second of it and began to resent his neediness.

I don't overly enjoy affection, unless it's sexual. I don't like to hug... anyone! Friends, family, partner. But that doesn't mean I don't care for them or love them any less than someone who does like cuddles and kisses.

I definitely show my love in other ways but I am very introverted and independent. This doesn't mean im not empathetic or loving.

And RE: Instagram, have you thought that he stopped to consider that he doesn't use it much and he hadn't thought about the account for a while and chose to deactivate when you reminded him as he doesn't want his personal details on there when it's of no benefit to him? Especially as he's supportive of your business in other ways.

With arguments, are you taking in to consideration both sides of the debate? I appreciate this is your thread and about how you feel but I felt I had to post as there were a lot of comments like "those who don't like affection are cold/bizarre/not normal" etc and a very one sided approach. If you approach any discussions this way with a "my way is right" attitude then of course it will lead to an argument.

Sorry for long post. To summarise, equal balance, considerate of each other and not taking things personally (trying to understand each other's POV)

Just wanted to say I don't think you're needy. He is being odd, in my opinion. If you don't even hug your wife, that's a bit depressing! We are supposed get a rush of endorphins when someone hugs us, so wanting hugs from the person your married to doesn't seem that outlandish! I'd just try and focus on the fact that you know he loves you. Maybe something in his past or general make up just means he dislikes hugs. My friend has Aspergers and dislikes being hugged, (she says it annoys her skin), but she still loves people. I have mild dyspraxia and some others I know with it hate being touched as 5hey feel sensations differently.

Thank you for this thread. My DH is similar to the OP and doesn’t value my ‘acts of service’ as he sees it as just normal things. He complains that he feels unappreciated and unloved. We’ve had the same argument over and over as we both feel we’re making more effort than the other.

I feel by making him a cup of tea or going to the supermarket on the way home from work to get nice snacks, I’m making his life nice and that’s how I show my love. But he wants hugs, physical affection and ‘words’ of appreciation. He hasn’t been able to articulate it in the way OP has so now I totally get his point of view and will be trying to make more effort in these areas.

I am not a tactile person at all so it will be difficult. I didn’t grow up in a house with hugs and kisses and it’s just not something I think of doing.

@TheSweetLady I'm glad the thread has helped you, my DH is the same as you, he grew up like that. It's taught me that knowing each other's love languages is so important, I'm surprised I didn't know of it before