Not getting the love I need?

[NinaBeee]

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

Analyse your Love Languages - they're different .

I don't think OP is needy and if she's feeling like she's doing the things her husbands prefers, like cooking for him, and he's not doing much of what she prefers I can totally see why she feels how she does. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and we don't hug all the time, we don't kiss and fuss over each other and we're both perfectly happy. The problem is when you both aren't on the same page, I've had boyfriends who'd be wanting to constantly touch me or hold my hand and there's nothing wrong that, it's just not me and I ended things because they deserve someone who wants those things, if I have to me reminding you hug them then it's not a genuine hug, it's a hug to shut someone up.

Saying that, if he also has a preference for her doing his laundry, majority of house work and majority of childcare, and maybe a preference for her work being the one to suffer when their child starts school and being the one to always take time off to pick the children up, or a preference for her to be the one sorting Xmas and gifts and everything like that and he can't even give a her every now and then without being reminded id be a bit annoyed too. He can't even follow your business, that would loss me off more than a hug.

@Anordinarymum if you don't like being hugged at all except by children then that's you, but I liked to be hugged by my husband.
And no where did I say that I want my husband to hug me exactly when I want it so please don't jump to conclusions. It's funny because you're assuming that I'm having a strip because I can't have a hug. - none of which I have said so that's an accusation from you.
Why does age matter? So then you can also call me young and childish? I'm in my early twenties :)

@Anordinarymum strop** not strip.

Love languages. A hug means a lot to me. DH isn't fussed. That's just the way of it. Even early on he never held hands in public, just didn't occur to him to. Unfortunately it's me who's left feeling unloved while DH is blissfully unaware and thinks it's all fine.

Ultimately you have to decide if the relationship is worth ending over this one issue. Getting a dog or cat might help!

@OnWhatPlanet thank you. Yeah I guess that's true. I agree with that

@Ivymundane

But if there is no affection or intimacy then it does mimic the relationship of siblings or any other family member you love.

What to you is the difference that marks a relationship between a partner and any other person?

We’re not talking about ‘intimacy’ as in sex! We’re talking about the OP’s requirement for really regular hugs and kisses. Not sex.

And if you can’t tell the difference between my non-huggy but loving relationship with my husband, and a relationship between siblings….well, I wouldn’t fancy Christmas at your place. 🤢

@MerryDecembermas me too! I do love animals. I'm kinda scared of dogs because of a childhood encounter with one but DD loves them. So might do that! Thanks for the suggestion and I'm glad I'm not alone in that case.

[quote NinaBeee]@Anordinarymum if you don't like being hugged at all except by children then that's you, but I liked to be hugged by my husband.
And no where did I say that I want my husband to hug me exactly when I want it so please don't jump to conclusions. It's funny because you're assuming that I'm having a strip because I can't have a hug. - none of which I have said so that's an accusation from you.
Why does age matter? So then you can also call me young and childish? I'm in my early twenties :) [/quote]
Don't try to project this on to me because you are having a strop :)

It sounds like ye are incompatible.

He is quite happy for you to do something for him but showing affection to you is too much.

Him loving to argue sounds most unpleasant but then I don't like argumentative people.
I would find him irritating.

Op, ye may not be well matched long term.

@Anordinarymum
Calling me selfish then once I reply to you in the same energy that's your only response lol. I'm not projecting anything on you, I don't know you nor would I take any anger out on you. Just spoke to you the same way you spoke to me :)

@billy1966 yeah I definitely hate arguing too. Thanks for your response definitely need to work on things

This is what you said
"Everyone prefers to be hugged and shown too instead of giving it."

And I said No.

@Anordinarymum okay so you can disagree without calling me selfish? I would have gotten the point without you calling me that. There's a lot more to the story than the thread also.

[quote NinaBeee]@Anordinarymum okay so you can disagree without calling me selfish? I would have gotten the point without you calling me that. There's a lot more to the story than the thread also. [/quote]
I said you come across that way by your choice of vocabulary more than anything else. You use the word needy lots.
If there is more to the original story then you maybe should have said so.
I don't know you so am certainly not attempting to 'poke the nest'.

@Anordinarymum I think in every case there's more to the story even if it hasn't been mentioned. I definitely can't fit everything that's happened into the thread but if anyone wants to ask more or has anything to ask I'd be happy to respond etc if that gives them a better insight etc. I used the word "need" because that's the word to describe I way I like to receive love or I'm used to receiving love since before my OH. I don't need it to the point that I can't live without it etc, but it's definitely what I'd need in a relationship but not suffocatingly of course (every not and then). That's just me personally anyway.

[quote NinaBeee]@Anordinarymum I think in every case there's more to the story even if it hasn't been mentioned. I definitely can't fit everything that's happened into the thread but if anyone wants to ask more or has anything to ask I'd be happy to respond etc if that gives them a better insight etc. I used the word "need" because that's the word to describe I way I like to receive love or I'm used to receiving love since before my OH. I don't need it to the point that I can't live without it etc, but it's definitely what I'd need in a relationship but not suffocatingly of course (every not and then). That's just me personally anyway.

[/quote]
Wow lots of typos excuse me - every now
& the way*

Well it would help if you gave a bit more info so people could understand what is going on here OP

At what point did he change?
Was he like this in the beginning (your answer was a bit vague).
I’m like you so I’ve found myself a DP who enjoys giving cuddles and kisses.
I don’t think you’re well matched at all

@Anordinarymum I think a lot have already understood what's going on, and have went on to asked (if they haven't). New to mumsnet so I'm not sure if there's a limit on how much you can write. I've written a lot, definitely didn't want to write too much would be harder for people to read :).

NinaBeee

I've just split up with my DP because of the lack of affection. Same as you, not giving me a kiss or cuddle before he left for work.

I had to end it because we didnt speak the same language and it was really hurting me. I dont want someone to be all over me 24/7 but the occasional hug or kiss would be lovely. My 2 previous partners were very loving and affectionate with me so being with this man has left me feeling so unloved

Nothing wrong with either of you, you just dont speak the same love language and dpnt have the same needs

I would have probably repeated my Instagram too if you had harped.on about him following you so much. He lives with you, why do you need to show other people likes and follows? Your last paragraph of your op is ridiculous.ok

The rest of it comes down to personal preferences. Some people are huggier than others. Personally I can't stand too much hugging (except with dd). Maybe he thinks that by being around and being a good dad he is showing his commitment?
Is sex affectionate between you or does it feel like he's going through the motions?
TBH I can see both sides. I would hate to be bigger and touched a lot but a small gesture, even just putting your hand on someone as you walk past is sometimes enough.

@BitPutOffNow123 sorry to hear that. I completely understand, every now and then is what I'm asking. Like you said, I'm used to it too which is why I feel some type of way a lot of the sometimes. I hope you find someone with the same needs as you xx

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity

the follow wasn't for anyone but me. Him following me wasn't for anyone, nor would anyone see it (unless they were stalking my followers). It's about me starting a business page trying to gain more follower numbers/recognition - I asked for something so small but he didn't understand. Exactly if it is such a small issue why couldn't he do it?
To the second part, I understand and agree that people have different personal preferences. Also sometimes compromising within your means is key. If my husband is able to do something because I like it (out of love for me) and he doesn't mind nor is it an issue for him, then I don't see the issue

@CastawayQueen he's been like this for a while, since we moved in together I think I don't know. It's a blur to me really I just get a bit sad thinking about it
I know he does his best. But as a wife i would just like a hug and kiss every now and then. That's just what I'm used to