Not getting the love I need?

[NinaBeee]

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

Looking at some people's responses, it seems easier to understand why some affairs happen due to lack of affection etc.

You're not needy. You are as you are and your needs are valid. People are different.
It's a two way thing- DH should be making an effort to respond to you in your love language, but also you should accept that he shows love in ways you might not instinctively recognise as love. As pp have said, for many 'love is a doing word'. However, if neither of you will meet halfway, or if this is not enough for you/ too much for him, then there could be a bigger issue.
Also, have a look at attachment styles- it could be a case of the more you push, the more he pulls away. Ideally you want to be securely attached to your DH and not doing the push /pull dance. See link.
thepowermoves.com/anxious-avoidant-attachment/#:~:text=%20The%20Anxious%20Avoidant%20Trap%20%201%201.,doesn%E2%80%99t%20last%20long.%20It%E2%80%99s%20called%20%E2%80%9Canxious-avoidant...%20More%20

YANBU.
Thé question is what are you going to do about it?
If that’s the way he is he won’t change. Can you put up with it or not..?

You're very huggy and kissy and he's not. It's that simple. Neither of you are wrong you're just two different people and you can no more become someone who doesn't needs hugs than he can become someone who's very affectionate.

Your DH is just being him, tbh he probably thinks love languages sound like a load of nonsense - however he shows you he loves you by doing things for you as you've said (pretty sure that's one of the love languages).

It just sounds like you want to change him into the person you want and you assumed that when you married he would just become that person. But it sounds like he's stubborn and doesn't want to change and you can't change so where are you going to go from here OP?

@Hawkins001

Looking at some people's responses, it seems easier to understand why some affairs happen due to lack of affection etc.

If a man or woman wants to fuck someone else, no amount of hugs are going to stop that.

I don’t think yabu op.

I’m not always into hugs. In fact sometimes dh drives me mad as he usually wants a kiss or cuddle when I’m mid cooking or knee deep in a work project. An annoying habit that ds has also acquired!! But I do understand that it matters to him so I try not be too annoyed most of the time and I always kiss him goodnight and good morning and when one of us leaves the house. It doesn’t take much and it makes him happy so why would I not?

The Instagram thing is just plain weird.

Bloody hell Mumsnet is so weird at times! As of you're needy for wanting your husband to show affection??!!

My husband is like this too, now. He wasn't, at first, but it's clearly his natural inclination. We have very nearly split up over it, had counseling, but he seems insatiable of going back to being the man I married. We may yet split because while he tells me when we have a Conversation about it that he loves me, I don't feel loved at all. I feel like I have a flatmate.

The love languages thing is a red herring. So what if cold and unaffectionate is his "love" language?? He knows you want and need physical affection but he won't give it. What's loving about that?

YANBU OP. I don't think it will get any better, I've been unhappy for seven years because of this issue and my husband says he'll make an effort and doesn't.

If you're braver than me, cut your losses and find someone who shows you love. I feel trapped in an apparently loveless marriage, don't be me.

Incapable not insatiable. I wish he was insatiable!

@zurala sorry to hear that, I hope things get better for you. Same here he tells and reassures me that he loves me when it comes up in a conversation

Thank you all. I've spoken to him today and he says that he does love me. I'm just tired because I hate being forceful. I don't want to force someone or tell them what to do! Especially when it comes to showing me love and affection. I told him that it should come from within I don't want to have to force him. Also he told me that he's been feeling under appreciated because he likes to be shown appreciation through doing things for him (meals for work, ironing) I told him I'll try better, as I am at home trying to balance everything with DD who is so active and doesn't even let me cook. He knows this but I guess the responsibilities is maybe getting to him.
Even today I dressed up and he didn't say anything. He said he thinks it all the time but doesn't have the 'confidence to say'.

Why should you try harder when he won't? Maybe he should try first.

I too have stopped showing my husband loves in his language. What's sauce for the goose and all that...

@zurala yeah you're right. I feel like he stopped showing me it when he started to feel under-appreciated. Does that make sense?
Because when I told him how I feel, he then said you're not the only one then went on to say he feels under appreciated. Sometimes peers question him at work wondering where his home cooked meals are instead of getting takeaway

@Ivymundane

The people that don’t hug or show any affection, is this all the time or just most of the time?

And how do you show you partner you love them?

You don't have to show them. It just is. It doesn't have to be 'performed'.

@NinaBeee what culture are you from that people have home cooked meals instead of takeaway?

My DH is very affectionate either. It doesn’t bother me though. We’ve been together almost 30 years and cuddles and kisses are very rare. He’s always been the same. If it’s making you unhappy though then you need to sit down and have a proper talk.

@NinaBeee

Thank you all. I've spoken to him today and he says that he does love me. I'm just tired because I hate being forceful. I don't want to force someone or tell them what to do! Especially when it comes to showing me love and affection. I told him that it should come from within I don't want to have to force him. Also he told me that he's been feeling under appreciated because he likes to be shown appreciation through doing things for him (meals for work, ironing) I told him I'll try better, as I am at home trying to balance everything with DD who is so active and doesn't even let me cook. He knows this but I guess the responsibilities is maybe getting to him. Even today I dressed up and he didn't say anything. He said he thinks it all the time but doesn't have the 'confidence to say'.

With all due respect - why does he expect appreciation for doing what he’s supposed to do? Who appreciates you for laundry , cooking, doing everything else? Perhaps I’m being unfair and coloured by my own experiences but men expect HUGE praise for ‘helping’ their wives with the chores etc. No they’re not. Doing your share is part of being a functioning adult. If you don’t get appreciated for doing all of that then why should he?

Wait sorry I misread it.
He wants you to do the house chores. To feel ‘appreciated’.
Is he trying to punish you for not being the good wife?
The home cooked meals makes me thing you and I are from the same culture when women are expected to take care of their husbands.
This is unacceptable.
He should be supporting you in the hard work of raising your daughter not sulk, moan and withdraw love like a 5 year old when you’re not his perfect maid.

@peachyandkeen

Do none of you (PPs) cuddle your partner in bed at night? Even for 5 mins?

I’m honestly stunned at this if so! I must be living in a different universe

@peachyandkeen - no never. We don’t even go to bed at the same time.

[quote NinaBeee]@zurala yeah you're right. I feel like he stopped showing me it when he started to feel under-appreciated. Does that make sense?
Because when I told him how I feel, he then said you're not the only one then went on to say he feels under appreciated. Sometimes peers question him at work wondering where his home cooked meals are instead of getting takeaway [/quote]
So he is choosing to withhold affection because you are not doing enough for him?

Nice🙄

Well that would certainly kill my libido.

I really don't think that you are suited.

It strikes me as extremely manipulative to withhold affection because you are not getting your shirts ironed.

It strikes me as extremely calculating and distasteful.

@CastawayQueen me and DH are from different cultures I'm not sure if I want to say yet etc.

[quote NinaBeee]@CastawayQueen me and DH are from different cultures I'm not sure if I want to say yet etc. [/quote]
It doesn’t really matter - I can already guess. Most of them men in my family I’m sorry to say are like this.
As @billy1966 says withholding affection just because you don’t do what he wants is cruel and manipulative.
What happens if you fall ill? Is he going to take care of you? With this attitude I’m sorry to say probably not …

Some people just aren’t affectionate, I don’t hug my DH in the mornings or kiss. Too busy and we leave for work at different times.
We don’t hug when we get in either, or kiss. I’ve never been very affectionate.
We will cuddle on the sofa, watching a film with a glass of wine - not very often though.
I suppose it depends if it’s a deal breaker for you, you want more contact and he’s not bothered/ maybe finds it irritating. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

@CastawayQueen yeah. And he's saying it would make him feel appreciated after working hard and long hours.

@peachyandkeen I do! Need them cuddles
My parents however don’t but h to rn they’ve been married 50 years and are probably bored of each other by now 😂

@CastawayQueen the culture isn't Asian, if that helps narrow it down for you a bit. It could be the speech of all his friends getting in his heads and what their wives do.