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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not getting the love I need?

141 replies

NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 14:02

Hi all, I'll try and keep things short im not sure how it works lol
I feel like I'm not getting the love I need from DH, AIBU?
I've had to speak about affection so much to DH in our marriage (4 yrs), I even told him recently that when he goes to work he doesn't hug me when he leaves and when he comes back? He also doesn't hug me randomly or show me that I'm his world. I just don't feel that from him at all. Isn't that how it should be? Sometimes I feel like we're just co existing together.
He's a good father, and he does do a lot for us around the house etc we work together. But there's this love in me that I crave that I'm not receiving and I just cry for it. He also LOVES to argue all the time, he's very argumentative and loves to debate. He doesn't show his feelings he usually holds them it until I ask him what's wrong.

Even when we're apart for a day, or the times he's travelled for a week etc when he comes back he's not that excited to see me, it's just normal and then I have to say "hug?" He says "oh we've only been apart a day" or when it's longer "yyeah sure we've been speaking on the phone lol" I know he loves me but I'm really confused I guess? I'm really confused. Even my dad is affectionate with me, gives me hugs on the sofa, kisses my cheek when he's saying bye

There's a lot of things he's done that I can't forget. Recently I opened a instagram for my business page and I realized he wasn't following it so I said to him laughingly oh just realised we're not following each other on my business page, follow me I Also need more followers haha" he said "why I don't need to I don't really use my Instagram" I said erm yeah I know but you follow me on my personal page so why can't you just follow this one? We then argued and argued because he didn't want to follow it so instead of following he actually deactivated his instagram. All because he didn't want to follow my page. Confused AIBU?

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 29/06/2021 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:11

@Wearywithteens yeah I definitely agree that people have different love languages, never have I ever forced him to hug me or give me what I want, nor demanded it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:12

@Wearywithteens okay I guess it's a wrong example then. :)
Everyone prefers to be hugged and shown too instead of giving it.

OP posts:
Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 29/06/2021 15:13

It's been mentioned already but hifhl advise looking at love languages. you both need to though. We did this during our pre marriage course (they do a marriage course too-google). Had we not done this we too would've argued. My husband needs words of love and physical, I need actions. We both try and give the other what they need. Sounds like that this can be solved with some proper communicationFlowers

Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:14

@Alittlenonsensenowandthen I'll definitely try that out, thank you

OP posts:
kurtney · 29/06/2021 15:18

You sound like my DH and tbh, it sends me mad sometimes. It's quite suffocating to feel like you always have to hug someone at 'set' times, like leaving the house or coming back in or first thing in the morning. It makes me not want to do it and personally, I feel like it means more if it's spontaneous. I also don't really miss him if either of us goes away for a few days. I live with him (and have done for the past 20 years). I can cope if I don't see for him for a bit. In fact, I enjoy it.

Having said that, you're perfectly entitled to have different wants and ways of showing affection, but the more you go on about it, the less inclined he'll be to do it (speaking from experience).

If he never hugs you, then that's something he should work on, but if you're constantly needing hugs and going on about it all the time, then you're going to end up coming across as needy and insecure and you need to work on dialling it down a bit.

BastardMonkfish · 29/06/2021 15:22

@peachyandkeen

Do none of you (PPs) cuddle your partner in bed at night? Even for 5 mins?

I’m honestly stunned at this if so! I must be living in a different universe Shock

No! We sleep in separate beds. It's brilliant Grin
Ivymundane · 29/06/2021 15:23

What the difference between a room mate and a partner.
Affection and intimacy.
Otherwise it’s just another person, surly you should want to be intimate and loving towards a partner?

Otherwise the relationship is no different to that of a sibling or parent.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/06/2021 15:28

Interesting how love languages is used as the reason why men cant be affectionate unless they want to fuck.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/201912/is-it-love-language-or-excuse-be-insensitive

Your partner sounds selfish, cold and lacking in empathy.

Shodan · 29/06/2021 15:30

I find it weird to read that some people think that hugging your partner is needy or suffocating. DP and I hug each other a lot, it's natural to us. I personally would find someone who didn't hug to be very cold and emotionless.

So therein lies the issue. Some people are huggers, some are obviously not. Neither one is inherently weird, just different. Unfortunately for you OP you've married someone who isn't a hugger. That's fine- but I think if someone loves you, they do the little things that make you happy. Maybe not all the time, but a lot of it. Or some of it, at least. I don't see how giving you a hug sometimes, or following you on your instagram, is a particularly onerous task.

Briarshollow · 29/06/2021 15:30

@Ivymundane

What the difference between a room mate and a partner. Affection and intimacy. Otherwise it’s just another person, surly you should want to be intimate and loving towards a partner?

Otherwise the relationship is no different to that of a sibling or parent.

Don’t be so daft. I’m not naturally affectionate (at all) but I still love my husband. I don’t crave him on me at all times, it’s not a requirement of mine, but our relationship is not that of siblings because of it 🤮
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/06/2021 15:32

I am like your DH op....not a hugger at all and don't feel the need to hug or kiss my dh constantly.
Guess the issue is when you are on different pages with this.

1forAll74 · 29/06/2021 15:34

You do sound very needy, all this talk about instagram is very odd.when you are talking about a Husband..

You and your Husband, just have different ways, and thoughts, about how you show affection to each other. Neither way is wrong really,as some people are not the hugging and expressive types, and it's silly to think he does not love you because he doesn't do the hugs that you so require..

Ivymundane · 29/06/2021 15:34

But if there is no affection or intimacy then it does mimic the relationship of siblings or any other family member you love.

What to you is the difference that marks a relationship between a partner and any other person?

Ivymundane · 29/06/2021 15:35

To any other person*

Ivymundane · 29/06/2021 15:36

The people that don’t hug or show any affection, is this all the time or just most of the time?

And how do you show you partner you love them?

Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:37

@Ivymundane I agree totally.

OP posts:
Shodan · 29/06/2021 15:38

You do sound very needy, all this talk about instagram is very odd.when you are talking about a Husband..

Why?? Isn't it odder that the OP's husband, instead of just, you know, following her, chose to make a big fuss about not doing so? Why would anyone's husband do that?

Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:38

@kurtney that sounds cute but if it's not suffocating! I don't remind or tell my husband to hug me often, it'll happen once in a while as I don't want him to feel suffocated or feel bad etc. I just explain to him that I'd like it every now and then. I never want to be forceful etc

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:39

@kurtney and space is definitely needed I agree, we both do enjoy our own spaces at times when needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:40

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea that used to be a problem for us, I did used to tell him that you can't only touch me and be affectionate when you want to do the deed.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaBeee · 29/06/2021 15:41

@Shodan exactly!!

OP posts:
Newgirls · 29/06/2021 15:43

@Wearywithteens

He’s clearly got a different ‘love language’ to you - I think it’s quite common for men to show their love in practical actions and sexual intimacy rather than words or romantic gestures. The problem is the more you demand it, the less he’s going to be inclined to feel like doing it. No one likes to be coerced in matters of the heart - neediness is not attractive.
I was going to say this too OP - google love languages.

You have different languages. You can ask for hugs but he won’t know to give them if that’s not what he thinks about.

Doesn’t mean you aren’t right for each other. You need to see how he does show his love for you and perhaps he can meet you halfway.

Anordinarymum · 29/06/2021 15:51

[quote NinaBeee]@Wearywithteens okay I guess it's a wrong example then. :)
Everyone prefers to be hugged and shown too instead of giving it. [/quote]
No. I don't like being hugged at all unless it is by a child.

I like giving hugs but I am not needy because being needy is completely alien to me. It's akin to wanting things selfishly just for the sake of it because you want it and when you can't have it you say so.
How old are you btw?

OnWhatPlanet · 29/06/2021 15:52

@Ivymundane

What the difference between a room mate and a partner. Affection and intimacy. Otherwise it’s just another person, surly you should want to be intimate and loving towards a partner?

Otherwise the relationship is no different to that of a sibling or parent.

Yeah no.

Couples who don't do the things OP is talking about are not like parents or siblings at all.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your family but it sounds like it's incest if you really think couples who don't do what the OP is asking for are like but I don't share finances with my siblings it parents and I don't fuck my siblings or parents either.