AIBU to expect an apology?

[SpeedRunParent]

DC 12 goes to a naice grammar in Kent. One boy in her year group has physically assaulted her twice ( with witnesses) and has called her a slut; reiterating that slur after the second incident.
The first time he put his hands around her neck and squeezed, leaving her shocked and breathless, because someone ( not my dc) had annoyed him somehow. This is the occasion on which he called her a slut. (Not that it makes any difference but my dc loathes all the 'he fancies you', this one loves the other nonsense).
On the second occasion, same boy ( part of her wider social group) had an umbrella taken from him by two other group members and it sounds like the umbrella was damaged. My DC absolutely did not have anything to do with this either ( the school has assured me of that). This time the boy slaps one girl in the face, throttles a boy and punches my DC hard in the gut - resulting in her needing to go to the med. centre.
The only sanction this boy has received has been days isolating during lessons.
AIBU to have expected that my daughter receive an apology from this child? If a person does not acknowledge their misdeeds and make amends, how is he going to learn not to repeat them?
P.S. there is no suggestion that this child has any SEN, all we know is that the mother says things like 'boys will be boys'.

@RestingPandaFace

Did you hear back from the grad regarding a meeting? I think If I had t heard today I’d be sending a warning that I expect a meeting in the next 24 hours or I will go over the school to the police and LEA / Academy trust.

Hi, yes, I have met with the head today. I have made sure he is fully, fully appraised of the situation and that I believe that the situation has been mishandled and that I will be going to the police if the school does not. He has asked me to give him a day to gather information and he will get back to me tomorrow.

At least it sounds like he is taking you seriously. Let’s hope he doesn’t try and brush it under the carpet.

Irrespective of what the Head tells you OP, your daughter deserves to have the police involved.

This is not for the Head teacher to investigate eventually.
He has already failed your daughter.

Kindly, she has been IMO very seriously assaulted and she needs to see that it is 100% completely unacceptable and a police matter if ANY male puts his hands on her.

That boy needs the police at his door and that Head needs a lesson too.

Neither the boy nor the Head see the seriousness of what has occurred.
They have both failed your daughter.

I would have gone to the police upon hearing what happened.

Your daughter deserves this to be taken very seriously.

I have made sure he is fully, fully appraised of the situation and that I believe that the situation has been mishandled and that I will be going to the police if the school does not
You only have your Dad's account of what happened, so you can't say fully appraised of the situation.

Insisting on a full investigation is absolutely right, but you come across as one of those mums who believe the account of the situation by their child is 100% reflection of what happened when we know that things are rarely black or white.

Even from your account, there is a hint to the possibility that this boy has been bullied, or at least teased. It might be that tour DD wasn't party to it at the time but has been in the past.

You listened to your DD which is the right thing to do, but you should also.ipen tour mind to what the school says which could be different. Or not, but you won't know u til you first give them a chance to investigate and respond.

Insisting on a full investigation is absolutely right, but you come across as one of those mums who believe the account of the situation by their child is 100% reflection of what happened when we know that things are rarely black or white.

But OP doesn't! She's said in her first post that there were witnesses on each occasion (and two other victims on the second occasion), and that the school confirmed to her that her daughter had nothing to do with the umbrella incident, so she's not relying on her daughter's word alone. She's not suggesting that there has been no investigation by the school to date; on the contrary, given that at least some sanction has been imposed on the boy in question, they must have carried out some sort of investigation.

You come across as one of those posters who is constantly looking for a reason to attack OPs rather than address the issues raised.

and that the school confirmed to her that her daughter had nothing to do with the umbrella incident
Exactly, but that doesn't mean there were not incidents before that could have led him targeting OP's daughter twice, despite no involvement.

There could be witnesses staring one thing and other witnesses saying the exact opposite. That's the while point of the investigation, to look at the wider picture and get accounts from everyone involved.

I'm not looking to attack OP. I e said in my post that the investigation might indeed conclude that her DD is totally innocent and victim. My issue is the jumping to conclusion BEFORE any investigation has properly taken place.

I think we could probably agree though that throttling someone, calling them a slag and punching them in the stomach is wrong regardless though.

@SuperMonkeys

I think we could probably agree though that throttling someone, calling them a slag and punching them in the stomach is wrong regardless though.

I'd like to think everyone would agree on that super but unfortunately this thread qnd oddly others on the site recently, seem to be very keen on the 'look what you made him do' angle, and keen for no action.

And not qnd!

@vivainsomnia

I have made sure he is fully, fully appraised of the situation and that I believe that the situation has been mishandled and that I will be going to the police if the school does not You only have your Dad's account of what happened, so you can't say fully appraised of the situation.

Insisting on a full investigation is absolutely right, but you come across as one of those mums who believe the account of the situation by their child is 100% reflection of what happened when we know that things are rarely black or white.

Even from your account, there is a hint to the possibility that this boy has been bullied, or at least teased. It might be that tour DD wasn't party to it at the time but has been in the past.

You listened to your DD which is the right thing to do, but you should also.ipen tour mind to what the school says which could be different. Or not, but you won't know u til you first give them a chance to investigate and respond.

You can assume what you like, I'm nit interested in defending my account, I have already made it clear that I am basing my assessment of this situation on the school's account as much as my DD's. It's the school's woefully inadequate handling of a situation they have already admitted that they have that I am upset with.

Did the head come back with anything useful?

I'm not looking to attack OP. I e said in my post that the investigation might indeed conclude that her DD is totally innocent and victim. My issue is the jumping to conclusion BEFORE any investigation has properly taken place.

Whaaaaaa?

You make it sound so reasonable @vivainsomnia but let’s unpick what you’re actually saying: that if @SpeedRunParent’s DD HAD been involved in any incidents, she invited or asked for the retaliation. That is, she deserved to be throttled and punched.

Victim blaming much?

Whatever the OP’s DD did or did not do, the boy’s behaviour was completely out of order. He sounds like a violent misogynist.

And we wonder where all the male domestic abusers come from?

@ShortBacknSides

I'm not looking to attack OP. I e said in my post that the investigation might indeed conclude that her DD is totally innocent and victim. My issue is the jumping to conclusion BEFORE any investigation has properly taken place.

Whaaaaaa?

You make it sound so reasonable @vivainsomnia but let’s unpick what you’re actually saying: that if @SpeedRunParent’s DD HAD been involved in any incidents, she invited or asked for the retaliation. That is, she deserved to be throttled and punched.

Victim blaming much?

Whatever the OP’s DD did or did not do, the boy’s behaviour was completely out of order. He sounds like a violent misogynist.

And we wonder where all the male domestic abusers come from?

That's not what's being said. There's a huge difference between "innocent, entirely uninvolved child was throttled and punched by another child who was entirely unprovoked" and "child who relentlessly bullied and picked on another child was subsequently throttled and punched by them". It doesn't mean that the throttling/punching is ever ok, it's not ok, it's never acceptable - but neither is the initial bullying. And if DD or anyone else has been bullying then that needs to stop too and action needs to be taken against everyone involved, not just the one who finished it. Think about how many posts we see on here about children being bullied and eventually snapping. Think about how many people on here are actually advised to tell their bullied child to stand up to the bullies aggressively and they won't do it again (I personally disagree with that advice but it's very often the advice given on here). If OP's DD is as innocent as it's being made out on this thread then there's no harm in investigating what actually happened.

He’s a violent bully and i imagine his dad is too.
In my view you should report to the police, ofsted and children’s services.

If a colleague called me a slut at work it would be serious disciplinary and a misconduct hearing.

If a colleague strangled me at work they’d definitely be sacked and I’d report it to the police where they would be arrested.

Children deserve the same if not more protection.

Totally unacceptable

@CopperBear I agree with you - the whole situation needs investigation. But there are posts which want to justify the violence.

I was severely bullied from the age of 7 till my teenage years. I was teased, hit, insulted, punched. But I knew that I could not hit back. There really is no excuse.

@RestingPandaFace

Did the head come back with anything useful?

Hi, yes, he got back to me today. Yesterday there was a reconciliation meeting between DD and the other child. In that meeting, the other child explained why he had not assaulted any of the other band members by saying that they hadn't 'deserved' it, by implication that DD had - despite there being no suggestion of DD being involved in this incident as anything other than a bystander. Sadly the adult didn't even correct this implication, preferring to pick him up on interrupting her instead. When the head emailed me, he seems to have utterly missed the fact that there has been more than one incident, lord knows how. I have been composing my email this evening to advise him that we are taking the matter further.

CopperBear

You seem to have imagined a whole scenario, full of presumptions and fantasy, that has nothing to do with what has actually happened here. I don't see the point in debating your hypothetical situation when I have this real situation to deal with.
Obviously, this is Mumsnet so you are entitled to carry on making stuff up but please don't imagine I'll be reading it.

@TolkiensFallow

He’s a violent bully and i imagine his dad is too. In my view you should report to the police, ofsted and children’s services.

If a colleague called me a slut at work it would be serious disciplinary and a misconduct hearing.

If a colleague strangled me at work they’d definitely be sacked and I’d report it to the police where they would be arrested.

Children deserve the same if not more protection.

Totally unacceptable

That's true. Whilst we allow some wriggle room for emotional teenage brains, this kind of assault is intolerable.

You must feel so frustrated @SpeedRunParent!

I am shocked by the response by the school. They are trying to kick the can down the road, so to speak, but this really does the boy no favours either.

Yesterday there was a reconciliation meeting between DD and the other child. In that meeting, the other child explained why he had not assaulted any of the other band members by saying that they hadn't 'deserved' it, by implication that DD had

This is just TOTALLY unacceptable - a reconciliation meeting? Sounds like another opportunity for this violent boy to make excuses.

Wow, compelling a child to 'reconcile' with a thug who throttled her. The fuck that would ever happen to one of mine. The message is: now dear, shake hands and hear what the person who may have killed you has to say.

I really cannot believe you have not rung the police about this.

@BreakfastClub80

You must feel so frustrated *@SpeedRunParent*!

I am shocked by the response by the school. They are trying to kick the can down the road, so to speak, but this really does the boy no favours either.

Thanks for the understanding. I am so sad that my dd is being so let down by her school.

@WouldBeGood

I really cannot believe you have not rung the police about this.

If you RTFT, I am reporting it. I gave the Head the chance to deal with this appropriately with the warning that if he didn't do so then I would. They've had their chance and I am taking to the police myself. I'm glad I have gone this way about it as I have had lots of time and opportunity collect evidence.

I'm so sorry your daughter had to go through this.

I think you're doing the right thing by going to the police.

It looks like the school have handled this so badly.