AIBU to expect an apology?

[SpeedRunParent]

DC 12 goes to a naice grammar in Kent. One boy in her year group has physically assaulted her twice ( with witnesses) and has called her a slut; reiterating that slur after the second incident.
The first time he put his hands around her neck and squeezed, leaving her shocked and breathless, because someone ( not my dc) had annoyed him somehow. This is the occasion on which he called her a slut. (Not that it makes any difference but my dc loathes all the 'he fancies you', this one loves the other nonsense).
On the second occasion, same boy ( part of her wider social group) had an umbrella taken from him by two other group members and it sounds like the umbrella was damaged. My DC absolutely did not have anything to do with this either ( the school has assured me of that). This time the boy slaps one girl in the face, throttles a boy and punches my DC hard in the gut - resulting in her needing to go to the med. centre.
The only sanction this boy has received has been days isolating during lessons.
AIBU to have expected that my daughter receive an apology from this child? If a person does not acknowledge their misdeeds and make amends, how is he going to learn not to repeat them?
P.S. there is no suggestion that this child has any SEN, all we know is that the mother says things like 'boys will be boys'.

The child should be expelled. Police involved, your child kept away from school while it isn't safe

On two separate occasions unprovoked by your DD he has physically and verbally assaulted her, including strangling her which is a massive red flag for future violence and even taking her life.

And it makes your child more likely to experience it generally because witnessing/being a victim of violence is traumatising and that's a risk going forward.

A forced, false apology is utterly useless and will have the opposite effect you think it will.

Police and making a bloody huge fuss. She should never have to be near him again.

No chance would I be after an apology. I'd be after an arrest!!

1. sexual harassment calling her a slut more than once
2. assault - strangling her! WTF
3. assault - punching her in the gut

Definitely police, no way should he get away with this. If the school aren’t going to do anything you definitely must.

Um what? She was strangled and punched and all you want is an apology? Why have you not reported this to the police? If someone strangled you and punched you in the gut would you only want an apology or would you call the police? Why would you wish less for your own child?

@AnneLovesGilbert

What circumstances do you feel excuse someone trying to strangle OP’s DD?

None. But it does sound a little like a gang bullying the boy, trying to wind him up as he is known to snap. I remember a kid this happened to when I was at school and feel guilty now that I watched it happen. They needed help, not the police.

Are you going to wait for him to actually throttle someone or are you going to insist the school do something? Suspension and final warning that if he ever chokes anyone again he will be expelled. I'm not sure the police should be involved I think its a mental health issue.

Hands around the neck and squeezing is a serious assault. Someone did this to my DS and the police were involved. They said it was a section 28 assault against the person. Taken very very seriously. Get photos of all marks and bruises now (we had ripped clothing too) now.

@Brefugee

solate them in school - this is what they did. 3. Permanently exclude them - this is a nightmare. It requires many, many, many documented incidents and co-operation with a whole host of people and organisations. Schools cannot just kick out a student - they have to go somewhere and that somewhere is paid for by the school, meaning less funding for everyone else.

So because paperwork a violent boy gets to stay on school? Blimey

Also punishments handed down in my DCs' schools were also confidential. The kids all knew (worked out) what they were and the parents weren't far behind.

I didn't say anything at all about paperwork. I said "documented incidents" not "documentation"

*14:21AnneLovesGilbert

Hereward1332

Are you sure you have the full, objective truth? From what you say it could be that a group of kids are picking on this boy to get a rise - taking and damaging his property. It may not be your DC doing it, but you say she is part of the group.

I would expect the school to act, but equally they may have the whole picture and have acted appropriately.

What circumstances do you feel excuse someone trying to strangle OP’s DD?*

This, ^^ I there could never be any. And absolutely police!
@copperbear, seriously this boy's 'right to an education' over rules everyone else's safety? What right does OP's daughter have to a safe environment to receive an education, or does that not matter?

@Birkie248

Hands around the neck and squeezing is a serious assault. Someone did this to my DS and the police were involved. They said it was a section 28 assault against the person. Taken very very seriously. Get photos of all marks and bruises now (we had ripped clothing too) now.

Sorrr might have misremembered the section number incorrectly, but it was classed as serious assault.

I’d be getting the police involved! Why on Earth haven’t they been called after repeated physical assaults?

The police involvement will get it referred to SS and get him the help he needs. A few days exclusion is nonsense.

My children's schools hold joint meetings of parents so we all know everything. Not knowing what has happened and the steps taken to prevent repeat would be unacceptable to me.

Whether someone was bullying the boy or not, there being no evidence they were as the school seems aware of what happened, he had no excuse to attack OPDD. Stop making excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

Thank you for your thoughts on the matter, I will answer them all together as many of you have similar questions.

Firstly, I mention the naice grammar thing because they pride themselves on being such a good school that their own self-image rankles me somewhat. Apologies if the expression has rankled any of you 😆
Secondly, , in the email conversation with the school, I was alerted to the fact of the initial incident but not to any details. I was told my dc had handled it very calmly ( to her credit) and that she had been sent to the med. centre. I immediately asked if I should collect her but they said no, it was only a hour or so until the end of the day and my dc was okay. They stated that written statements were being taken and they would investigate. When I heard the full story from my dc I wrote to say that I was extremely concerned for my dc and that we expected this incident to be dealt with in the strongest possible terms; and to be kept abreast of the sanctions for this child.
My dc was pretty upset because, not only had this happened but the child responsible turned on the tears on the way into the office and was grinning and laughing on the way out.
The subsequent email ( incident happened on Friday and I wrote over the weekend) arrived on the Tuesday saying the investigation was complete and now the process of reconciliation could begin.
I know what punishment he was given because the boy was in school but not in lessons for two days ( around at break times though) and then was back in class as usual by the third day.
I know about the mum's attitude to a previous aggressive incident through the grapevine.
Thirdly, I didn't report it to the police because I remember when I got beaten up by several girls from my school just outside the gates, the police weren't interested as there is nothing they can do about it anyway.
I am awaiting a meeting with the head.

Sounds like bullying to me

On the second occasion, same boy ( part of her wider social group) had an umbrella taken from him by two other group members and it sounds like the umbrella was damaged

Also, this is not a gang bullying a child. This boy is a popular-ish member of the social group, liked by the popular lead boy. They have hung out together due to mutual friends. He is not picked on, I can assure you.

There was no bruises, it wasn't bad enough for that but I still think it horrendous for my dc to deal with that in school.

@SpeedRunParent an apology is woefully inadequate. This child needs excluding and serious help with his MH issues. It’s only a question who goes to the police you or the school. If his boy did the same to your Dd in the middle of Sainsbury’s would you meekly accept an apology from the store manager? No.
Put your big girl pants on and step up to sort this out before next time you’re picking up your child from a and e. There will be a next time as this child is clearly targeting your child for some weird reason.

OK so because the police did nothing for you x years ago, you are going to let your child learn that this is ok?

I live on a different planet.

@SpeedRunParent

There was no bruises, it wasn't bad enough for that but I still think it horrendous for my dc to deal with that in school.

Even without a visible injury I would still report it to the police. I can’t remember all the ins and outs of it with my son, but there was some intent to do damage to your child, and it appears this child has form as he’s done it twice.

@MichelleScarn OP's DD is just as safe whether he's isolated in school or at home - either way, DD is not in contact with him. If his parents are known to be abusive, schools can't allow him to be abused when they can protect DD and protect him at the same time.
Obviously this student's behaviour is unacceptable and action needs to be taken by the school but there are some clear holes in the OP that don't make any sense and show one side of the story and a number of inaccuracies. In addition, why OP thinks an ingenuine and coerced apology is the best fix here is a bit baffling.

I would hope the police attitude towards assault in the name of bullying had changed over the years OP When I was young they wouldnt have intervened either but I think (hope) things have improved since then. They may not go straight for prosecution but I'd expect them to at the very least have a stern word.

Think you need to name and shame the school.

And get your chinos into martial arts. They can teach breakaway techniques for strangle holds and blocks for punches. It will also empower her.

Child not chinos!