AIBU to expect an apology?

[SpeedRunParent]

DC 12 goes to a naice grammar in Kent. One boy in her year group has physically assaulted her twice ( with witnesses) and has called her a slut; reiterating that slur after the second incident.
The first time he put his hands around her neck and squeezed, leaving her shocked and breathless, because someone ( not my dc) had annoyed him somehow. This is the occasion on which he called her a slut. (Not that it makes any difference but my dc loathes all the 'he fancies you', this one loves the other nonsense).
On the second occasion, same boy ( part of her wider social group) had an umbrella taken from him by two other group members and it sounds like the umbrella was damaged. My DC absolutely did not have anything to do with this either ( the school has assured me of that). This time the boy slaps one girl in the face, throttles a boy and punches my DC hard in the gut - resulting in her needing to go to the med. centre.
The only sanction this boy has received has been days isolating during lessons.
AIBU to have expected that my daughter receive an apology from this child? If a person does not acknowledge their misdeeds and make amends, how is he going to learn not to repeat them?
P.S. there is no suggestion that this child has any SEN, all we know is that the mother says things like 'boys will be boys'.

That kid shouldn't be allowed back in the school because it's just retraumatising the people he's hurt. He's had more than one chance and he's not faced any significant consequences. I'd call the school up and ask them when they're soonest available to discuss the matter or you'll be speaking with the police.

CopperBear - When my daughter was hit at primary school, we were aware that a letter of apology had been requested by the school. It never came obviously but we were aware it had been requested. Also, I know kids who've been temporarily excluded for much less so it is possible. To be honest, if what you say is true, no wonder why discipline is non existent in some schools.

OP, if it were my daughter, I would filing an official complaint with the school (and then Ofsted) and also contacting the police and social services. I'd also be looking for a new school immediately.

@chickenyhead

OK so because the police did nothing for you x years ago, you are going to let your child learn that this is ok?

I live on a different planet.

No, that's not the case at all. It's just that as far as I know, the police won't do anything about it. As it happens, from some of the comments so far I can see that others have more faith that they will be interested ( in this scenario) so I had decided to ring the local station and see what the fact of the matter is.

I would never expect my child to go back to a school where someone physically assaulted them. My daughter was similarly throttled by a boy over a Santa hat. Throttling can kill someone. I called the police, raised a complaint with the council and when they tried to blow us off, I got a lawyer. The parents were just as bad, threatened my h in public. He called the police. She did not go back to that school until that boy was excluded and not around.

My son has a form of autism that makes him violent to us. He carries on like this and I won't even have him in my house. He does this at school and I'd call the police on him myself.

[quote CopperBear]@MichelleScarn OP's DD is just as safe whether he's isolated in school or at home - either way, DD is not in contact with him. If his parents are known to be abusive, schools can't allow him to be abused when they can protect DD and protect him at the same time.
Obviously this student's behaviour is unacceptable and action needs to be taken by the school but there are some clear holes in the OP that don't make any sense and show one side of the story and a number of inaccuracies. In addition, why OP thinks an ingenuine and coerced apology is the best fix here is a bit baffling.[/quote]
Please ask about any inconsistencies, I've nothing to hide.

@BarbarianMum

I would hope the police attitude towards assault in the name of bullying had changed over the years OP When I was young they wouldnt have intervened either but I think (hope) things have improved since then. They may not go straight for prosecution but I'd expect them to at the very least have a stern word.

Thank you, I appreciate your understanding.

Re the ‘slut’. I don’t get why sexual sexist abuse like this doesn’t result in an exclusion. If it was a racist slur it would be taken extremely seriously.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Child not chinos!

😂 Good idea, thank you.

An apology would be letting this lad get off very lightly, I’d argue too lightly. I think it should be reported to the police and the school should be looking at exclusion. To be honest with you OP, I’d escalate this to the head and if they don’t take it seriously, governors, ofsted and maybe even take it public.

I’ve seen a few times on MN schools have a horrible habit of sweeping things under the rug and not taking appropriate action, especially when it seems to happen to girls.

I do hope this boy doesn’t have any sisters, god only knows what he’s like at home, especially if his mother brushes off his disgusting behaviour with such nonsense as ‘boys will be boys’

Why haven’t you reported this assault to the police??

Something I've taught my DD is if someone has their hands around your throat, make a triangle with your hands as the apex and thrust upwards. It breaks their hold and you can run away. Because strangulation is so dangerous, I'd teach yours.

OP - have you posted about this recently? This all sounds very familiar

I think YANBU to expect an apology but YABU to think the school will enforce this: they simply can't make someone apologise (and mean it)

Sounds like escalating this with the school and failing that, the Police is the way forward!

Another one saying contact the police. Im a secondary teacher.

@Seltina

CopperBear - When my daughter was hit at primary school, we were aware that a letter of apology had been requested by the school. It never came obviously but we were aware it had been requested. Also, I know kids who've been temporarily excluded for much less so it is possible. To be honest, if what you say is true, no wonder why discipline is non existent in some schools.

OP, if it were my daughter, I would filing an official complaint with the school (and then Ofsted) and also contacting the police and social services. I'd also be looking for a new school immediately.

1. Primary school and secondary school are different.
2. You've completely and totally proven my point that the school can't force him to apologise.
3. He was temporarily excluded... I never said it wasn't possible to temporarily exclude for this, I said it was exceptionally difficult to permanently exclude.

You haven't actually disagreed with me on anything - just claimed to disagree and then agreed.

@BradPittsLeftTit

OP - have you posted about this recently? This all sounds very familiar

I think YANBU to expect an apology but YABU to think the school will enforce this: they simply can't make someone apologise (and mean it)

Sounds like escalating this with the school and failing that, the Police is the way forward!

Nope, that wasn't me.

Just to reiterate for those that have missed it, I am escalating it with school as I am very unhappy with the handling of this incident. (Awaiting meeting confirmation with the head).

I have subsequently read the DFE and Kent police guidance for matters such as these and the most I can hope for is for a youth engagement officer to be contacted.

Thank you to all of you who have suggested good self-defence techniques, much appreciated.

I’d be reporting the assaults to the police. You’ve given the school a chance to sort this out, the boys mother is not only fucking I useless but sending her son a bad and dangerous dangerous message “boys will be boys” and your daughter continues to be abused and assaulted. The hands around the throat is particularly chilling. Perpetrators who do this are more likely to go on to kill at a later date.

@niceberg

I don't normally comment on these threads but if that was my DD I'd be letting the school know that it was a police matter (assault) and either they could contact the police or I would.

The same. I also wonder what this boy has seen online.

At schools I have worked at that child would have been out, if not after the first incident definitely the second.

Just because the school has ‘sorted it out’ / punished the child doesn’t mean that you can’t go to the police - even if only for a chat. The school may not tell you this, they may not be happy about this.

It's just that as far as I know, the police won't do anything about it.

You don't always know what happens behind the scenes, especially not when children are involved. There is no magic quick solution that makes this (him!) go away. The youth engagement officer may be the police officer who is best able to take this further. In any case the police are a natural next step.

The thing to push with the school is not what are they doing about the boy but how will your DD be kept safe so can she can learn? Throttling is dangerous.

@niceberg

I don't normally comment on these threads but if that was my DD I'd be letting the school know that it was a police matter (assault) and either they could contact the police or I would.

Same here.

It is not a nice grammer school (definitely not 'naice', stupid word), if they gloss over things like this.

@SpeedRunParent I suggest you also invoke safeguarding procedures at the school for your DC but also for the boy who has done this. A teenage boy strangling another child and calling her a slag is a red flag warning that he has learnt this abusive behaviour from watching porn (via abusive/neglectful parenting) or from seeing it acted out at home. Insist the perpetrator is referred to social services for a safeguarding assessment.

@CopperBear

I'm skeptical of this because, as a teacher, we're absolutely NEVER permitted to tell a parent what discipline or measure has been taken against any student (other than their own child). Flat out, I have never, ever, ever seen a parent told of another students' disciplinary measures (nor would you be told of their SEN or additional needs) or what their mother says Where are you getting your information from for this? Regardless, a school cannot force a student to do or say anything - we cannot force an apology unfortunately. Everyone, including students, have a human right to freedom of expression and we have no power to make them apologise for anything (no matter how awful their behaviour was). There are very few options here to be honest: 1. isolate the student outside of the school - often not an option because they won't engage or are at danger at home. School must provide a teaching environment to students and if they won't engage at home then, because schools have an obligation to provide education, they'd need to be on school site. Additionally, many students come from abusive or negligent households and sending them home risks their welfare. 2. isolate them in school - this is what they did. 3. Permanently exclude them - this is a nightmare. It requires many, many, many documented incidents and co-operation with a whole host of people and organisations. Schools cannot just kick out a student - they have to go somewhere and that somewhere is paid for by the school, meaning less funding for everyone else.

So it’s all about the violent bully, finding and logistics and nothing to do with those he has assaulted ... you have a very screwed up logic.

*funding

I honestly wouldn't want an apology, I would be involving the police the school clearly are doing nothing, I would also consider changing schools, they're basically saying it's OK for boys to assault girls and have no consequences.