To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

@Shortbreadbrokemytooth

One of my family did this to her elderly mother. It meant that her brother bore the brunt of caring for the elderly mother as she became more frail and needed care. Her mother didn’t have dementia so was fully aware that she had a daughter living the other side of the world. The brother hasn’t spoken to his sister since their mother died 10 years ago.

I think it’s a selfish thing to do to your MIL while she is caring for FIL.

I think it is a bit of a leap to assume that the sibling who did not leave the country will blame or feel bitter towards the one who stayed. I was the sibling who went and my brother the one who stayed. He fully understood my reasons for going and he was glad to have had that time with my Mum. He also knew that he was better at dealing with her than I ever was; they personalities were more similar. He doesn’t resent me in the slightest and I know that for sure as we talked about it in detail only a few days ago, prompted by an anniversary.

@hellywelly3

Do it! If Covid has taught us one thing it’s that life’s for living. You can be selfish it’s a fantastic opportunity, grab it with both hands.

Is that what Clovis’s taught you?

Funny l, I see a lot of people that have suffered throughout Covid because they lived so faraway from their loved ones.

I agree with Tonton- most of those saying go haven’t lived through having elderly parents that aren’t coping. It’s very easy to say while they’re young and fit.

You only have one life to live - I'd go - the world is a small place these days & you can keep in regular contact.

Your MIL is asking you to change your lives to suit her.

No, she’s asking them not to change their lives because she loves them. Completely different. I couldn’t do it. The thought of someone effectively losing their grandchildren when caring for their spouse with dementia makes me very sad.

As someone said, it’s not as if there’s any real gain other than “an adventure”, it looks to me like turning several lives upside down for no good reason.

I’d go. You have to take great opportunities when they arise.

You have to do what's best for you and your family. Perhaps says it's a temporary thing.

Wow, this is hard. And of course a lot depends on the relationship.

For myself, as a DM of adults, and a GM, I've always encouraged my DD's to take advantage of life's opportunities. And if one of them got this chance I'd put a brave face on it and wish them well, be excited for them, and talk about coming out to visit them. But even without the life challenges that your MIL faces, inside, I'd be devastated.

Would I feel worse if they missed the opportunity out of guilt about leaving me? I honestly don't know. If this happened during the period where I was nursing my late DH through his terminal cancer, maybe not. But I know they wouldn't have left him, and that's a different situation I think.

I agree with Honeyoar.

Apart from that, it is a huge move and there are many who do it and aren't happy. I'm all for having adventures but you don't have to emigrate for that. Having said that I have never felt the desire to live abroad permanently, I like it here. I was also glad to be on hand for elderly relatives when needed.

OP I understand it is a hard one but you said this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Understandably your MIL will find the idea of you not living down the road anymore upsetting but I would hate it if my children passed up an opportunity to really improve their lives and they didn't jump at it.

I voted YABU because I wouldn't (I'm currently in a quandry about applying for a job 4 hours drive away) but it's a very personal choice, and I wouldn't blame you for taking it.

I think you need to think through the practicalities of what support the pair of them will need as they age/health worsens, and how (your H) is going to support and implement that from that distance. Talk to people who have walked the path, both locally and from afar. Think through various scenarios, and effectively do risk assessments and disaster planning.

I spend ages agonising over things like this - is it selfish of US to want to take opportunities and fully embrace the life offered? Or, is it selfish of THEM to expect us to curtail our life experiences in order to facilitate their old age?

@Veronika13

OP, I moved to Australia. Haven't seen my mum for 2 years and she's not well. I'm scared the next time I'll be allowed to leave the country will be for her funeral.

BUT I would still move. I've built an amazing life for myself here and my mum said she would 'hate' to see me back in England, as she's seen the better quality of life I have here, and it gives her comfort and makes her feel warm inside.

She misses me terribly but (from her words) seeing me live an amazing life is so so worth it to her.

I moved to NZ and also have not seen my Mum for almost 2 years and have no idea when I will be able to return. We can leave NZ but cannot get back in without a booking in a Managed Isolation where we have to spend two weeks in a hotel room. These bookings are very very difficult to obtain. Bookings are loaded on the site until 7th November with not one single space available at the moment.

I would also still move, I am 64 and my Mum is 91, we miss each other lots and Covid has really made things really difficult - I used to return 3 times a year.

You also said the country you are considering moving to ranks top for quality of life and raising children.

That's an amazing opportunity for your children, they have their whole lives ahead of them.

I really think you need to consider yourself and your children too.

Those who say, oh your parents can come and stay once Covid is over, just be aware that there comes a point where it's not possible for elderly people to travel to Australia or New Zealand. They can become too frail to want to fly that far. And at the same time, the child who's left for Oz or NZ can lose a job, meaning there's no budget for them flying back to the UK. Or there's a divorce, meaning money is stretched.

That's even without Covid.

All the above things have happened in my family.

It’s a hard decision and one which will have an impact on your IL’s as well as your SIL (whether she likes it or not!). Both my brother and my SIL have done this and consequently shifted the responsibility for both sets of elderly parents onto us. Whilst they do provide support where they can, they really can’t be of any practical use and the burden of responsibility is heavy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is make the best decision for your family but be aware that it won’t come without consequences for your siblings.

As a very disabled mum to three adults, I would absolutely want them to do whatever made them and their partners and children happy. Of course I would miss them terribly, and I don't know how much longer I have left, but I would hate it if I knew that any of my children gave up something important to them, for me. As long as you and/or your husband can get back for emergencies, then do go if that is what is right for your family.

You should do what is best for you, your husband and your children. Just think, would you want to burden your own children's opportunities when you are older? You can visit, she can visit. If she wants to be near her son and grandchildren so desperately she can move.
The way I would sell this to her is to position it as a 'long business trip' for now. After all you never know what will happen in 5 years

@hellywelly3

Do it! If Covid has taught us one thing it’s that life’s for living. You can be selfish it’s a fantastic opportunity, grab it with both hands.

I can’t believe some people have gone through the last year and come out with the lesson of “be selfish, there is no such thing as society, meh your family will die sometime anyway.”

“Covid has taught me that family is worthless, that loyalty is a waste of time, that love isn’t as important as #liveyourbestlife! Grab those beach sunsets and who cares if you see your dad again!”

Go for it. Grab this and go, you only get one life.

Think of the kids future, if moving is in their best interest then you should go.

It would be selfish to stay.

I was the child who left (or never returned). It meant relinquishing pretty much all my family ties. Know now that I imposed an unfair burden of responsibility on my sisters, and although technology makes connection easier our communication became chit-chat as we began to have less in common and know fewer people in common and didn’t feel able to share complex feelings. We returned often before Covid but it was artificially happy and all very well-behaved rather than natural.

This has been the identical experience of all my long haul expat aquaintances.

I love DH and the life I have here but my God it came at a heavy price. Are you prepared to pay such a high price if the life you have is already very happy?

Very difficult decision to make. I struggle with living just 4 hours away from my only parent, now 78, but have to live where my work is. DH and I can't just leave both our jobs at our ages to live closer to him as we'd very likely not get jobs again. He doesn't always appreciate this.

I was living abroad for a few years previously but came back to the UK to at least be in the same country as him. Now we're thinking we'd like to move abroad again for our retirement in a few years' time but we will not even consider this whilst my father is still alive. It simply wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I am an only child so it's different in my case but if you did move then perhaps consider whether you would be able to visit on a regular basis, and possibly at short-notice if required. If there are other siblings or family who would be able to step into your DH's shoes in his absence that might help, but ultimately it's whether your DH can live with this and be comfortable with his conscience. I know that parents don't have children in order to have someone to look after them in their old age but what is society if we don't, as children, have a sense of duty towards them in their senior years? We won't be able to get these years back when they're gone..

On the other hand.. you may have an opportunity that rarely presents itself.

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on Munster.
Since when did caring for our own families become such a burden?
My son has lived and worked abroad (a 16 hour flight away) for the last 16 years since he left university. Before Covid we saw him at least 3 times per year, since Covid, not once. He's decided that as soon as be can come home for good, that's what he's going to do do be close to his family. Me and his dad are getting older and not in the best of health. We already have plans in place for practical help in the future but he just want to be closer to us.

I think we have a responsibility to support elderly relatives (unless they've been horrible to us). However, this doesn't mean they get to choose to have this provided exactly as they want it. If your MIL can come to join you when your FIL dies (you will welcome her, help her logistically and to adjust), that is supporting her. If she decides that she would rather stay put, that is her right, but she cannot then demand that you stay at home to enable that.

@KarmaStar

Yanbu for wanting to go. Depending on the age and health of your mil ...You say she's lonely but has lots of friends,which is it? I couldn't leave two frail(if she is) elderly family members to cope alone. Could your dh go out there initially,assume you are talking Australia or New Zealand?,whilst you arrange for your pil be properly cared for?I appreciate they are his parents but they are your family too.fil may have to go into specialist care,mil could maybe stay at home and have care come in or move to assisted living within her community if it would help her feel more secure. You can't just dump the problem on sil,although she's obviously been happy to move away herself,the whole family need to sit down and structure a way forward.nothing is impossible,sometimes you just have to have patience. I hope you enjoy your new life anyway!😊

I know this sounds like an oxymoron - but both. She is lonely but she has lots of friends and a very active community. She’s lonely because FIL is really not mentally there anymore.

We don’t need to arrange any care for him, though, we are only emotional support not financial nor have we sorted his care out. MIL and FIL are wealthy, and have been able to afford care and FIL will soon go into a sort of care home, because his decline is rapid. It’s very sad. He was a lovely man.

SIL is not engaged in any of it, she rarely visits (because of Covid, really) and has sort of decided her father is dead already. She and her mother have a little bit of a firey relationship!

Go.

I am a mother and if it were my child wrestling with your dilemma, I would hate to think that they were passing up an amazing opportunity because they thought they had a duty to me. Especially if they had their own children! Grandchildren having a better quality of life massively trumps me being old and wanting someone to help me with chores and such.

My parents live on another continent. I call them regularly. If there is some sort of emergency and they really need me then I do what I can for them. Obviously covid has thrown a bit of a curveball, but that won't last forever. In normal times it is very, very easy to get on a plane and go to someone at a moment's notice.

Your life is yours. Go and live it.