To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

This thread really shows how different people and families are, and what is right for one family is not for another.

A really tough decision OP, and although I know what I would have done, that doesn't mean it would be right for you.

OP, please think about what is best for you and your family. You don't owe your parents anything. I think quite a few responses in this thread are rather martyr-ish and not necessarily reflective of the expat life.

I left my northern European country when I was 17 to go to uni in the UK, and I'm now coming up to 15 years here. I'm about to move to New Zealand with work at the end of August, which is an incredible opportunity both from a career as well as a salary perspective.

My parents brought me up to be independent, and I'm an only child. I'm sure they're not delighted by the prospect of me being halfway across the globe, but they are 100% supportive and excited for us. We have sorted out POAs, discussed what would happen to the house, I have full insight into their finances, etc. They're in their 60/70s and are absolutely delighted for me and my partner.

Don't turn down this incredible opportunity OP.

@Roselilly36

Do what is right for you OP. I certainly wouldn’t expect my adult DS’s to look after me or their dad, I want them to live their lives and do what is best for them & their families always. I think it is extremely selfish to try guilt your children into becoming your carers.

Except OP hasn’t indicated that her MiL is trying to “guilt” them into anything. There’s no indication that this decision has even been discussed with her.

It isn’t selfish to love your children and grandchildren and want to spend as much as possible of your limited time left with them. It’s pretty normal.

Responding to an earlier comment, I'm not sure about cost of living comparisons for other cities. We came from Toronto and are in London so I am familiar with those prices. But happy to have OP get in touch if they have any other questions :)

As for the family stuff, I was so happy to leave behind my difficult MIL. Not exact same bc my FIL isn't sick with dementia though. But my relationship with in-laws is so much better long distance and occasional visits.

As the mother of two adult children in their thirties I would tell them to grab the opportunity with both hands and go. I think it’s selfish to put my own needs and wants into the equation.

@mbosnz

Canada is a lot less big of a deal than Australia or New Zealand. That flight, to us, as Kiwis, felt a bit of a doddle, given our usual 40 hour stint!

We originally wanted to move to Australia (pre Covid) but that wouldn’t be possible now because work wouldn’t transfer DH because of how difficult it is to get in there right now.

But we’ve both spent time in parts of Canada, and the part in particular that we have a chance to go to, and always said what an amazing place to raise children it would be.

I could never leave my parents.
But all families are different

My FIL also has dementia and MIL struggles looking after him, we help out a lot and only live about a 20 minute drive away. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation OP, it's very tricky. An opportunity like this may not come up again.

@Summerplans7

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

Ahh

We’re in the same boat. I want to move away. I home educate. So not tied to a school. My husband can work from anywhere in the world. I lived in America for many years. I love gaining new experiences and feel our kids would really benefit from living around the world

However I’m really close to my mum. Ideally I’d want her to come. But she’s not wanting too.

In between a rock and a hard place. I feel it’s too much of an opportunity to just give up. Prime of our lives. My mum would never stop me. But I thought she’d jump at the chance. We live in the south. It’s so expensive here for what we want. We’ve got everything we need here. But I still feel like somethings missing from where we live here.

I’m wanting to go to Canada first.

@Summerplans7

Sorry I should have said upthread - it’s Canada!

Oh my god. Go. Go go go!!!

You’re going to be doing exactly what I want to do!

I think you are going to have to be selfish.

It's one of those opportunities where if you DON'T take it, you may wonder 'what if?' in years to come

Amazing to read the really wide range of opinion on this. I have to admit wincing at the 'you don't owe your parents anything/life your best life/they'll be FINE' type comments which to me a rather bleak and nihilistic view of our sense of connection and obligation to members of our family. I suppose you could equally say that as parents we don't owe our children anything other tham to house, feed, clothe and educate them but a whole other range of normal human feelings come in to play, we love them, we don't want them to suffer or to feel alone, we want to support them, be a friend to them, enjoy their company, etc. Do at least some of those same feelings not also apply to our parents, siblings etc? (absent abusive or toxic relationships of course). Equally, I know I couldn't do some of the full time caring that so many wonderful people do, I feel suffocated even thinking of it. And I think it is usually too much to ask to uproot a family to move closer to ageing family. But surely there is a middle ground? It seems to be that actively making a decision to move to another continent (which doesn't offer anything SO amazingly different I don't think) at a very difficult time in elderly parents lives would be too far in one direction for me personally. On a purely selfish level I think the guilt would be horrendous. I would hate to look back in 10 or 20 years time and feel I had been found wanting.

As someone approaching my 70th birthday I would hate my DC's to feel that they could not follow their dreams.
I have told mine not to hesitate to put me in a "home" if I become incapable of looking after myself.
I would not like to have to live with any of them either, we all love one another dearly but we are all very different people.
OP's MIL is an adult and her own person and should be treated as such.

I couldn't go, we're very close to our family and ever since we have had our daughter then lockdown and then a recent bereavement it's become more apparent the importance of family and having a good relationship.
I work in healthcare and I see day to day the affect on families when they live apart. Especially elderly people who's sons and daughters do things remotely for them such as online shopping deliveries and when things don't go right or one of them has taken ill we get angry phone calls as they feel helpless not being there etc.

Have you spoken to people who have moved to Canada? What can Canada give that your not getting here or another part of the UK?
I love Canada as a place to visit! The cost of living is quite high, the winters are bad.
Looking through pp saying about more time outdoors, I never understand that point of view as you still have to earn a living and work etc and I spend quite a bit of time outdoors here in the UK. We have some beautiful places!

@theleafandnotthetree

Amazing to read the really wide range of opinion on this. I have to admit wincing at the 'you don't owe your parents anything/life your best life/they'll be FINE' type comments which to me a rather bleak and nihilistic view of our sense of connection and obligation to members of our family. I suppose you could equally say that as parents we don't owe our children anything other tham to house, feed, clothe and educate them but a whole other range of normal human feelings come in to play, we love them, we don't want them to suffer or to feel alone, we want to support them, be a friend to them, enjoy their company, etc. Do at least some of those same feelings not also apply to our parents, siblings etc? (absent abusive or toxic relationships of course). Equally, I know I couldn't do some of the full time caring that so many wonderful people do, I feel suffocated even thinking of it. And I think it is usually too much to ask to uproot a family to move closer to ageing family. But surely there is a middle ground? It seems to be that actively making a decision to move to another continent (which doesn't offer anything SO amazingly different I don't think) at a very difficult time in elderly parents lives would be too far in one direction for me personally. On a purely selfish level I think the guilt would be horrendous. I would hate to look back in 10 or 20 years time and feel I had been found wanting.

I dont agree with that we dont owe our kids anything equally at all. I owe my kids far far more than they will ever owe me - they didnt ask to be here, I deliberately tried and made sure they were. they had no say in that matter.

I would go. My children's future comes first and in the U.K. The future looks pretty bleak.

DH and I could and would never do this. And I hope my kids would never do it to me.

What would you expect your children to do in this situation?

A) give up on their lives/dreams/hopes to wait for you to finish out your life and then be too old to follow their dreams

B) Follow their chosen path and know that you will support them and be proud of them

I personally want my kids to follow their own path and not be waiting around for me to pass before they can finally do their own thing.

You have to live your life.
And it seems cold, but you and your children will be here long after your inlaws. The stability, adventures and memories you create as a family as just as, if not more important than any sense of duty.

I feel entitled to have this opinion as I have moved to the other side of the world from my family, and although it is difficult sometimes, it is truly the best thing for me.
A good parent will understand and encourage you to do what's right for you.

If he's offered the job, could he negotiate return flights as part of the package? Make sure he talks to his ma about care, end of life, power of attorney both health and financial. And what she does about her DH and what can be afforded. Also Zoom meetings every week, presume she is up to date with What's App so you can send her videos and photos. And let his sister know.

But go for it.

Good luck.

No, I couldn't do that. She's been there for you with the kids and now when she needs you most you're considering abandoning her. You'll take the little joy she has left away.

I posted a thread less than two weeks ago about taking care of one's MIL.

When I met my husband I was about to move to the US.
He proposed within the year, we got married and I stayed. This year I'm having to choose whether to forgo my green card as it doesn't seem like we'll move. My husband can work from anywhere in the world and lived near wear I'd have been moving to in the US for a few years. He came back cos his dad was ill. His dad passed away and my DH gave up his job as he didn't want to go back. Also his mum sees him as her most treasured possession. He has two other siblings but my DH is the one who drives 1hr 45mins one way every other week. She's in her 80s and now wants to live with us. I much as I would love to move to the US I know it'll be painful for his mum so I'm not pushing that but I'm worried about the effect on our relationship if my MIL lives with us. My DH has given me reassurances that I'm his primary responsibility.

So I guess if I'm giving up what I've planned, paid, longed, prayed and worked for for so long and my DH left his international organisation job in DC to take care of his dad and then his mum despite having 2 siblings already in the country we couldn't consider leaving.
I miss my family and would love to be reunited with them not just by visiting every year but going back to live in the same country.
However, cultures and families are different even though my DH and I are different races.

I expect parents to do the best for their children especially when not yet adults and feel adult children should also do their best for their aged parents. However, I feel a healthy relationship will find a way to balance all interests.

There seems to be a moral obligation to cast aside your own hopes and dreams to look after elderly parents. It's a very tough decision to make and I don't envy you.

Leaving aging parents who are still in good health is very different from leaving aging whose health is deteriorating and who are in need or care / support etc.

As you can see from this thread, everyone is different. Some can leave without really a glance back, others could never leave. For some it would bring stress and guilt, for others it wouldn't.

I have a coworker whose mother lives across the world. My coworker is consumed with stress and worry and guilt over her mother being alone and elderly and far away. It has a serious impact on my coworker's life. When she can't get a hold of her mother or when her mother is upset or unwell or when her mother needs something done for her (and getting that help can be hard to arrange from a far) my coworker is in a state. Her life is pretty much consumed with her stress about her mother.

I chose to stay because I know I would be like my coworker. I travelled and lived abroad when my parents were younger and healthier but I couldn't leave them now or the stress and guilt would consume me like it does my coworker. I would rather make some sacrifices for my own life but benefit as well by not being stressed and guilt laden all the time.