To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

Interesting that's Canada not Antipodes! We lived in the latter and the other expats either had younger parents who could visit for a month, or were bereaved or didn't like their parents.

In this case, unless you're moving to a Ben Fogle type set up (flight, sea plane 2 hour treck), go,

Mil choosing not to visit is as valid a choice as you choosing to go.

I couldn't do it. Yes, I think it would be completely selfish and cruel. She needs a support network and her grandchildren. Friends and community are not the same.

I also think that while you think it is a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' - I think there will be more chances in the future - life is long. Why not later on in the future when you don't have the ties.

I guess another way of looking at this is - "my youngish, dependant children have the opportunity of a life-time to relocate to Canada. We will of course be taking them and have been offered amazing career opportunities there. We know schools will be better, living expenses cheaper, vast areas of wildlife to explore, more time spent in the great outdoors. I'd love them to have this experience for a few years, maybe permanently, BUT they have elderly grandparents who will miss them and be sad if they go. One grandparent is ill with dementia and the other will have to care for them. Should we deprive our children of this opportunity so they can be here to visit their grandparents?"

OP - go!! As a parent we all want our children, whatever age, to experience a full and exciting life. I know some families always live very close and see each other all the time, but it doesn't mean that is the 'right' way and the only way.

Go - opportunities like this don't come round that often. Your in-laws will be ok and are very selfish themselves if they'd prevent you going, or make you feel guilty for going. Do it for the enriching experience YOUR children will have.

Go - time for his sister to step up.

For those saying wait and see if the opportunity arises in future...depending on OP/DH's ages, DCs ages and how long MIL lives, it may not. I'm late 40s, DM is mid 70s. I'm at a stage in my life/career where a move abroad now would be totally doable for me, but like OP I know DM would not want me to go. DM could live another 20 years if not more....by which point I'd be nearly 70 myself and my career would be over!

It’s a difficult one… I personally couldn’t do it because whilst I could see the benefits of the lifestyle in the new country - I feel the benefits of living close to my parents. It’s not just them missing out on seeing you but you missing out on their final years.
Also you’re talking about your in laws, how would you feel if it was your parents instead?

Go!

I moved away from my family 25 years ago with my husband. It was only supposed to be for 2 years but we extended it until we eventually became citizens. We love it here. We had our children here and they have been educated here. The more our lives became ingrained with our new country the more difficult it has been to leave.
For the first 15 years my parents came and visited often. Then as they got older they were unable to visit. The flight became too difficult. The trip is 30+ hours from door to door. Then we made the trip to them when we could. 4 plane tickets is expensive.
Now, that my children are young adults, they cannot wait until travel is permitted again because they want to live abroad. Even though it will break our hearts, we will encourage it.
OP, lots to think about. I wish you all the best. Canada is a wonderful place.

I would do it, and my Mum would insist I didn't turn down an opportunity for her. She is widowed and lives alone but constantly impresses on us her belief that she doesn't expect us to stay nearby to look after her in the future.

My vote is grab the opportunity

The thing for me with these decisions is that you're effectively opting out of supporting them. No care, no responsibility.

We had this with a brother. He moved abroad and didn't even come back for the funeral for his mother. It was really hard on the others who were left having to reduce working hours or paying towards their care.

Difficult one! Good luck either way

I wouldn’t do it because it would leave MIL bereft at a time she needs you the most.

Only you can decide. But…before if you go, I think you both, but particularly your DH need to accept the following:

• your MIL will struggle to cope and her health may deteriorate quickly.
• you may miss the chance to say your goodbyes to both (Perhaps more significant with respect to MIL who is still well).
• Your DC may lose the meaningful relationship they have with Their DGran. FaceTime is a poor substitute. They will have busy new lives and the time difference will put pressure on maintaining regular contact - not to mention your ability offer assistance from afar.
• you need to sort POAs (for MIL) In advance of going if you haven’t already. Doing this from overseas with time differences is a nightmare)

We’ve experienced all of the above with DHs family who relocated to Canada. His Dsis’s have been unable to help and have missed their chance to say any meaningful goodbye to their DF and seem oblivious to their DMs struggle. It will have a lasting effect on their relationship with Their DB. And their children struggle to connect with the ILs now (their words not mine) as FaceTime no good for bonding in the longer term.

It’s a very tough decision and id hate to have to make it.

I'd do what's best for my children. It's a fantastic opportunity. Your MIL has friends and money to get any help that she needs. You can emotionally support someone from a distance. They've lived their lives, you live yours.

I agree with only one small part of @Lydia777’s post life is long

I’ve always hated the ‘life is short’ comment, because for a lot of people it really isn’t. Life is long and you don’t want to spend that long life being unhappy.

We've lived abroad for quite a long time. We missed saying goodbye to dad (he died from covid) which was awful. But we used to fly him over to see us and visited frequently. Same with mum before she died. They missed us yes, and the kids and us them. This is what happens with careers these days. Sometimes these opportunities don't come up again. Our parents would prefer us 'home' sure. But they never considered us selfish for moving away, neither did we. They sacrificed to give us the education and opportunities we needed to get us where we are. They were happy for us. It's a tough decision sure. But I would HATE it if my children felt an obligation to stay, when they really wanted to go. My children are growing up with amazing opportunities and bi-lingual. We can now afford to buy a house in our home country. Our parents were happy for us.

People move to different areas all the time. If someone moved to Southampton from Aberdeen, it may as well be a different country (out of Britain) as they won’t be able to support each other or help out in the same way as they would if they lived in the same city.

People do this all the time, because it suits their immediate family. You have to do what is right for you as a family.

It’s not your responsibility to look after elderly relatives. It’s nice if people chose to do so, but many people don’t.

Your in-laws will be ok

And you know this how? It’s a completely ludicrous thing to say, you have absolutely no idea if it’s true. On balance the likelihood is that they’ll be far from OK.

It seems odd, OP, that you’re horrified at the prospect of moving your children to a different school a few miles away but completely cool with moving them to one thousands of miles away from everything they know.

You know, decisions and discussions like this would work a whole lot better if people could let go of the word "selfish" - on both sides of the equation. There are so many more emotions involved and complexities to navigate.

Ok, not to be mean.....but is Canada really all that great? Not sure that the standard of living is really all that high. Education is fine but not amazing. Lifestyle is ok but not the best in the world. I mean if you had said Switzerland or Singapore fair enough, but Canada is still pretty middle of the road. Marginally better than the UK but not all that

I'd go too. I'm not so sure that it is actually selfish to make the best decision for yourself, your spouse and your children. I know I'd absolutely hate to think that my son (only child) ever turned down opportunities for my sake.
But then, I have moved away from the UK myself. Because of Covid, my son hasn't seen any of his grandparents since 2019, which is really sad. But, tbh, even knowing that, I'd make exactly the same decision to move again. It's such an amazing opportunity to go and live in another country, especially for children. And it's an opportunity that very probably won't present itself again.

Do it. I wouldn't never want to hold my children back from opportunitys like this, it's sad but you only get one life. Get back for visits when u can, lots of pictures/ phone calls and video calls.

We were faced with a similar situation only reverse, moving from Canada to U.K. and have no regrets doing it! I felt devastated leaving my family behind as my parents were super close to my children but they completely supported us and our decision. We have stayed in touch with FaceTime calls and visits back & forth before lockdown. Our move is temporary though and we are 100% going back soon. I'd be curious to know where in Canada though. Toronto is mega expensive, but still cheaper than London. You will have cheaper housing, more space, free education (public schools are all great!) and all 4 seasons which will be so nice. Some parts are very nice and some are bad, just do your research first! If it's west coast - Vancouver/Victoria definitely go! More expensive than Toronto but much more beautiful and more to do and see. You could also easily explore west coast US. Also still cheaper than London :) Anyways I'm off topic but Canada is amazing and would be a great experience while your children are still young. I wouldn't call
You selfish for trying to live your best life.

Go! Time for a) his sister to step up & b) your mother in law lived her life and still does in a place of her choosing. You do get to do the same. Go & be happy

@Tedsy2

We were faced with a similar situation only reverse, moving from Canada to U.K. and have no regrets doing it! I felt devastated leaving my family behind as my parents were super close to my children but they completely supported us and our decision. We have stayed in touch with FaceTime calls and visits back & forth before lockdown. Our move is temporary though and we are 100% going back soon. I'd be curious to know where in Canada though. Toronto is mega expensive, but still cheaper than London. You will have cheaper housing, more space, free education (public schools are all great!) and all 4 seasons which will be so nice. Some parts are very nice and some are bad, just do your research first! If it's west coast - Vancouver/Victoria definitely go! More expensive than Toronto but much more beautiful and more to do and see. You could also easily explore west coast US. Also still cheaper than London :) Anyways I'm off topic but Canada is amazing and would be a great experience while your children are still young. I wouldn't call You selfish for trying to live your best life.

well but the whole of the Uk isn't London! Are those places cheaper than Bristol, Bath, Southampton, Leicester, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Liverpool and so on?...all big cities.

Do what is right for you OP. I certainly wouldn’t expect my adult DS’s to look after me or their dad, I want them to live their lives and do what is best for them & their families always. I think it is extremely selfish to try guilt your children into becoming your carers.