If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

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Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

OP - do you work ?
If not you need to put baby in nursery and get back to work.
Consider working part time, and put baby in nursery on one of your days off.
Do you have family nearby who can babysit ?

I agree with most that it is a very common experience to find the first year unbearably hard. And also easy to look back with rose tinted glasses when your children are now older and you have such a formed relationship with them, and remember the baby stage so much more fondly than the reality. When babies are small and they are difficult to care for - not sleeping, lots of crying, it can feel a bit more like living with a parasite who has taken all the good things from your life!! But I found as they started to talk and interact more, the experience of being in a relationship with them grew and there was more fun. Definitely still hard in preschool years but the first year, and for me 6-12 months, was the worst.

It gets better. I remember thinking "would i laugh at thst?" "How would i react to that, would i be upset? Would i be angry?"

So strange to remember now but i lost all sense of myself.

And yes, that’s a great suggestion- would you feel attracted to going back to work? I think you feeling a bit more human would be good for both you and your baby.

@Dannyandsandy

Just for the record, you don’t need to have PND to feel this way. Having children can wreck your mental heath, your body that you will never get back, your finances and freedom. Women need to be educated about the reality and not be influenced so heavily on social media. I feel for you OP.

Yep exactly, it's the main reason I don't want children. I can imagine exactly how difficult it will be, and it puts me right off having any. But so many claim that it's been so easy for them, they really do women no favours, it's no wonder men just leave us to it really when you've got some banging on about how easy it is for them. And usually, they are struggling behind closed doors, but won't admit it because then they feel like a failure. Plus for rich people, of course it's easier, they have the money for help, or one of them probably doesn't even work. Much easier then.

Its so not easy op and you are definitely not the only one who wishes they could go back in time. I have literally never had any parent I know of tell me anything other than 'don't have children'. They laugh after, but kind of obvious they do mean it and they wish they hadn't.

@georgarina
You say DP is supportive - does he know how you're feeling? Can he take the baby while you go for a walk/do your own thing for a bit?

She said he's already doing more than his fair share. I'm not sure him doing even more work is the solution.

Oh OP I understand you so much. To this day my natural reaction when someone has had a baby is not to be joyous but to be worried and hope they're ok, I just don't correlate babies with happiness and I'm extremely envious (if not a little sceptical!) of those who claim to love those days.

I promise you what you're experiencing now isn't what parenthood is like forever. I found those months stifling, no stage of parenthood has been more challenging for me, I felt totally trapped being so needed, even with a fantastic partner.

Get help but please find some reassurance in knowing this is a stage, you will get your freedom back and get back to you. Hopefully even enjoy parenting. My saving grace was getting back to work and finding me again. My children are much older now, but I'd say each 6 months it got easier, 12 months + tolerable, 3 years + manageable interspersed with some enjoyment, 4+ have genuinely enjoyed (most) of the time.

For some people babies and toddlers are to be endured, it doesn't make you a bad person or bad parent, it doesn't mean you won't find any happiness in the next 18 years. Get help, keep going, it gets better.

I promise you it does get better.
The first year can be very bleak.

If you can, find someone to look after him and make time for yourself to do those things that you love about your pre-baby life. That's a start.
All the best OP

I really feel for you. For all these reason DC will remain an only child. The sleep deprivation nearly finished me off. I found baby groups and getting out every day all day saved me. They should be opening up again now. Hit the softplay and commiserate with the other mums. You are not alone!

I feel for you.

It is understandable you feel like you do. Especially since as so many have said, the lack of sleep.

I was the same with Sertraline earlier in my life, but worked out what I really needed was time off, things that helped me do my job (and it is a job) as a mother.

I have been a single parent for the past eight years. DD is nearly sixteen and turned out well. So I must have done something right!

Way back then my midwife gave me two bits of advice:

First. Make sure you empty and repack your changing bag for baby as soon as you come in after walk etc.
The reason she said this is if you are down, it is a struggle getting out of the door anyway and that way if you really need to head out at a moments notice and take advantage of a sunny day. you can.

Second
In the early days she said 'sleep when they sleep'. I had gotten into the habit of doing things when baby napped and actually I was exhausted for that reason.

For the rest

Yes, sitting in a cafe with pram if you can.
Gym with creche very good.
Even college with creche for a part time course you enjoy or childminder if you can . It will get you out etc.

And
don't overload yourself.
It is a job. And it is the most important job you will ever do. Despite what people may say sometimes.

And finally lean on people on here. You can.
I've had my gripes with mumnet but I wish I had had them back then.

They are brilliant in a crisis, or just the day to day stuff when you think

'What on earth do I do about this?

Hang in there. I'ts a very good feeling the milestones you can think you achieved with a child. We are still in teenage years which are a story in themselves. And harder than hard in a pandemic but we do tell each other we love each other. And I do still believe that conquers all.

You're doing good. Honestly. Hang in there.

If you can, get a cleaner. That is someone to chat to, apart from the help they give you. Contact with the outside world is an achievement right now.

You’re certainly not alone. I had a rotten pregnancy, tough labour which ended in an emergency section and DS was a nightmare baby. Even had to sell my beloved classic car because we couldn’t get a baby seat to fit!
I realised fairly early on that I wasn’t cut out to be a stay at home parent and went back to work pretty much full time when he was 6 months. Don’t think I enjoyed parenting until he was around 5 then I reduced my hours and we had a great time together.
It’s a massive lifestyle change you need to be kind to yourself.

The sleep made me crazy with my first. Obsessing over it, reading books, articles, following schedules, stressing. With my second we just co sleep and I’m never tired.

I can totally relate to your post. I'd press that button too.

My daughter is 1.5 years old and I still am struggling with it all. I'm still annoyed that I was so naive before having a child, I genuinely had no idea how tough it would be. The reflux/CMPA was absolutely soul-destroying in the first year too!

I hope you find it gets easier soon!!

I regret having my third child. You are not alone. My daughter never wants kids and I hope she sticks to that.

All I can say is please hang in there, it honestly does get better.

I wasn't even sleeping some nights for consecutive days and I was only sleeping during the day when baby slept, however we are now out the other side and we are all sleeping better.

We have had next to zero family support, baby has only slept at his grandparents once overnight and that was a few weeks ago but to be fair nobody knew we'd be in the middle of a pandemic.

Maybe you need to speak to your health visitor again.

God, the baby stage is horrendous. I remember planning in detail how to kill myself and make it look like an accident.
Just hang on, it really does get better. Hugs to you.

I can guarantee you will feel better in the future, you will feel you have your life back, you will feel more yourself. But not yet, not at 7 months. The baby and toddler years are extremely hard and like you I regretted my decision. However as DS has grown it has completely changed. I now benefit from being the old me (independent, career oriented) and also having a wonderful son. Motherhood gets so much easier. Hang in there, get support. Don't feel bad for finding it tough, it really really is.

Another option for getting more sleep, is cosleeping, as longbas you follow all the safety rules. This maximises your sleep and taking yourself to bed, every time baby sleeps helps too.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon (((hugs)))

FFS don't do controlled crying, read up on what Dr. Penelope Leach has to say about it.

They get easier the earlier years are really rough and people underestimate how hard it can be.
It gets easier when their personality and sleep routine kicks in.

I was like you with my first son. He nearly broke me. I was so exhausted, so utterly scared by the hostile takeover of my existence!!! I felt like I’d had a former life. What you’re feeling is unfortunately a reality of motherhood for most new mums. You are not alone trust me. Many new mums just wouldn’t be as honest about it.

It is hell for a bit but it’s a natural hell so your love for your little one & your maternal instinct will trump all the negative feelings you’re experiencing & you’ll move past this horrid way you’re feeling into a happy place. Hang on in there, you sound like a lovely mummy!!!

I was like you OP. I really struggled with my son and I just wanted my old life back. I felt awful and guilty and just couldn't see how things could get better. I have decided not to have another baby because I'm terrified of going through it all again. I love my son and wouldn't be without him but the sleep deprivation and loss of my old routine hit me like a ton of bricks.

My son is now 4 and I can say things are a lot easier. I have been able to go back to some of my hobbies and feel a lot more like my old self. My son is thriving at nursery and sleeps well now. It will get better for you.

One thing I did with both mine was go back to work very soon. I recognise that the cost of childcare might make that difficult; I was lucky enough that my salary meant that it was ok. I think the pressure to have a year off is immense and not the right thing for some of us. In my case I took parental leave for a year each time when they started nursery, by which time I could actually enjoy being home with them. Very very best of luck OP and I hope that you begin to feel better.

Are you getting out the house? Socialising? Join some groups to give you something to look forward to

Just for the record, you don’t need to have PND to feel this way. Having children can wreck your mental heath, your body that you will never get back, your finances and freedom. Women need to be educated about the reality and not be influenced so heavily on social media. I feel for you OP

Yes this is very true. You don't need medication, you probably need more sleep and more time for you, OP. Lots of good advice on here.