If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

Don't listen to @Mistyplanet or anyone else who spouts crap like that. You will come across loads of them as a parent, all in different guises, learn to ignore ignore ignore.

Be kind to yourself OP, babies are hard, its not all sunshine and roses as people like to make out. Sleep deprivation is the worst, my youngest was an awful, awful sleeper and after she was born I developed post natal anxiety and OCD. It was a tough and often dark time and even now I can't really think about it for too long.

But it does get easier, honestly it does, there has been some good advice on this thread.

I didn't feel myself again until I went back to work around the ten month mark, I was still exhausted but I felt 'normal' again.

What's with all the diagnosis of depression comments? What if the op isn't depressed. You can have feelings without being depressed.

@Peoniesandpeaches
No! 5HTP can be very dangerous if taken with another antidepressant. It can lead to Serotonin Syndrome.

"People who are taking antidepressant medications should not take 5-HTP without their provider's supervision. These medications could combine with 5-HTP to cause serotonin syndrome, a dangerous condition involving mental changes, hot flashes, rapidly fluctuating blood pressure and heart rate, and possibly coma."

I used to take 5HTP until I was prescribed Sertraline (and before that Citalopram) and 2 doctors told me not to combine them.

I felt like that the first year. My DS was an awful sleeper and we had no support network at all. I thought I had ruined my life, my marriage and my health forever. DS turning one and beginning to walk and talk was a massive game changer. By the time he was 18mo I was loving being a parent and I have adored it ever since. Hold in there.

When DS was 11mo DH had a vasectomy. Now that DS is 5 we are looking at having it reversed. It has taken this long to feel ready to risk going through that again although we have made some key changes this time including moving closer to family and having the money to buy in help if a second one is an awful sleeper too.

It will get better, ignore anyone who says the baby stage is the easiest or parenting doesn't get easier just different, not my experience at all!

OP I remember that feeling of the world seeming to shrink and the longing for everything to be back to pre baby time.
There are bound to be regrets when reality sets and it's not just down to "hormones", PND or sleep deprivation.
We give up a lot when we have a baby but people don't talk about this so it can come as a huge shock.

I felt like this OP, and some people can be so unhelpful with the treasure every moment comments which make you feel even more guilty. Private counselling helped me through it.

@Usergenerated186

The sleep is awful. I know that is a major factor, but it’s so hard to solve and I have ruminated on solutions to the point where it was the only thing I thought about and it was making me feel crazy

Oh bless you. We had a horrendous sleeper and I was very much on the brink of PND just from sleep deprivation. It’s just shit isn’t it. I 100% thought I’d ruined my life.

Once he slept marginally better it was muchuch easier.

Re the sertraline, for different reasons I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety a few years later and was put on citalopram, fortunately that only very mild side effects that were much more bearable.

I’ve been exactly where you are @Usergenerated186. My baby is 7 next month (sibling is 5) and things are much much better. But motherhood didn’t come naturally to me; it still doesn’t in many ways. I can’t really do the whole pretend play very much and find my children largely overwhelming. But we are in a good place. We are on holiday with them, and having fun. I’m still struggling to remember to make time for myself, but that is the key to well-being. At 7 months it’s much more difficult to fit in but it will get easier.

@DrManhattan

What's with all the diagnosis of depression comments? What if the op isn't depressed. You can have feelings without being depressed.

Her gp prescribed sertraline so she or he appears to have diagnosed depression.

Oh op you sound so sad

I was you when I had my dd. I felt after I'd had her that I just simply disappeared, everything that made me, me, had gone. I loved my dd but the change in life was so drastic it took my life away... but it does get better op I promise. One foot in front of the other and one day you'll realise you don't have to force it any longer. But do get to the GP, tell him how you feel and how you felt on the tablets, also do try and get out, baby groups were hell for me, but I realise now they did help. Stay away from motivational mums and social media around parenting etc, it's all bullshit.

Are you going to go back to work? This saved my sanity, I went back to work after 11 months (wish I'd gone sooner) and although I felt I disappeared into the background at work too. It helped massively to improve my mental health and well-being. Also gave me time away from the baby and to be with adults

@Usergenerated186

My partner is amazing - he does so much for us both, way more than his fair share. But I can see what a burden I am to him by feeling this way and I am so so worried about the toll it takes on him, having to be a parent and also support me through this.

Whatever your're naturally feeling us being made worse by sleep deprivation, so I would expect an improvement as time goes by.

There's a lot missing from your post. What do you or used to do as a living? Do you have any close friends that are also mums? What are your hobbies?

I think it's sensible to get away from the narrative that if you don't enjoy having a baby, you must be ill with PND. Objectively there are so many more reasons not to enjoy the experience than to enjoy it. People should be allowed to say that hate having their bodies and careers and houses and relationships ruined without being told to see a doctor.

Not everyone finds the baby years easy and prefer it when they become a little more independent. Also, you’re not given a rule book, so it’s all a big steep learning curve. If you’ve been a confident, successful person, this can be a bit if a shock to the system.

Lack of sleep certainly affected me, and only when we did controlled crying did things get better.

It gets better, it gets better, I promise it gets better! 7 months was when I felt at my absolute lowest I think. You've been sleep deprived for more than half a year and having to cope without baby groups must be dreadful, my weekly baby group is what got me through each week.

Hang in there OP, you are not alone in feeling like this but motherhood becomes so much more fun and rewarding once these few months are out of the way. You'll sleep again, you'll exercise again and have a social life again, it will get better

@DrManhattan

What's with all the diagnosis of depression comments? What if the op isn't depressed. You can have feelings without being depressed.

This comes up on pretty much every thread where someone is feeling like this.

Yes it’s entirely possible to feel like this and it not be PND. A lot of the realities of motherhood are shit and life altering.

BUT very very often it is postnatal depression or some other postnatal mental health issue. It is not unhelpful to suggest that it is that. PND support can take many forms and it is really helpful to reach out and explore that - I found a local support group for example - no diagnosis is necessary and it is really just a group of mums who have found it shit and hard and scary supporting each other, being on the other end of a WhatsApp when you’re up in the night again and feeling totally alone, having meet-ups where someone else holds the baby and you get to drink a hot cup of tea. To the OP I’d suggest googling your local area plus PND to see if such a group exists near you, or you could look if there’s a PANDAS group near you pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Honestly I always find it more unhelpful to see the ‘well it’s probably not pnd motherhood is just unrelentingly terrible and you have indeed ruined your life’ type posts. Because for so so many women it does get better with help, and having a name or a label that you look into help FOR gets that ball rolling.

I was diagnosed with PND - I didn’t particularly agree with the diagnosis and not sure I still do (there were a lot of complex things going on) but I took the help anyway and things improved massively.

Its OK to feel this way. And you won't always feel like this - keep on trying to get help and remember that we all find it tough at points. 0-6 months were particularly hard for me - it didn't mean I didn't love DD. If anything, I was terrified of letting her down (an unwarranted fear). She's now 19 months and so much fun - still a lot of work and sleep is often hit and miss, but it's easier to communicate, she gives me hugs voluntarily, I've felt able to have more time for myself and hobbies (DH has always been great and very supportive but I wasn't up to it before - plus pandemic). I wish I'd known at 4 months old what it would be like now because that would have helped so much.

Sympathies OP - when they don't sleep it makes everything so much worse. In your shoes I'd sleep train. We did it with DD at seven months, took two nights, her sleep (at nearly four) is now bomb-proof. I'd also, if your finances allow, look at a babysitter/gym with a creche or similar, so you can sit in a cafe for an hour with a book or your phone.

There are lots of antidepressants available. My choice is fluoxetine although I am currently pregnant I will go back on them when my little girl is born.
Being a mother is so much pressure and opens you up to a world of worry anxiety heartache etc.. lack of sleep and time for yourself is also really terrible for your mental and physical health. Do you have anyone who can take the baby even for just an hour? What do you like to do? I like to get out and get a pedicure or sit in a cafe with a nice cake. But even a walk in a park or just a browse round the shops, hair dresser trip etc can make you feel so much more normal! Also, 7 months is a funny and tricky age. You are still so needed. Be kind to yourself.

It does get better. I remember feeling like you do when DD was a baby. I didn’t have a second because I really hated being mum to a baby. Once she could talk it really picked up and by about 5 I finally found that ridiculous love thing everyone talks about. She’s 10 now and the absolute light of my life. Now I’m sure it was worth those first few really hard years (but I’m still glad I didn’t have 2!)

@Mistyplanet

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

ODFOD

The first year can be horrendous for many parents with the shock of the loss of your old life, the sleep deprivation (especially if you are breastfeeding and it’s all on you) and possible PND. That’s all without a global pandemic so no wonder it has been so tough.

It gets better I promise- you will start to be able to get out and about more and have a life as your DS is less dependent on you. Also he will start giving a lot of love back to you, he will become an independent, funny, clever little boy before you know it - at the moment he cannot walk or talk and is entirely dependent on you. It can be draining! You’ll maybe also be returning to work in a few months which will make you feel more like ‘you’ again.

I agree completely op. The more women that say this, the better. I went along with it due to convention and have been worse than a shell of myself for 19 years. It's absolutely huge and the impact totally understated.

You have already had loads of good advice but I just wanted to tell you it will get better.

I didn't have PND. I just needed a break. Stopped bf and went back to work pt at four months each time. Instantly felt 100% better.
18 years on and never a single regret.
I wasn't prepared to sit wishing away the weeks and months.

See a counsellor.
You do have options to explore in safe place
You can leave baby with your dh
Go off make a new life
Give baby up for adoption

Probably you don't want to lose them ?
Or ?
Do you want to make it work?
It s OK to consider all scenarios in therapy and come to conclusions yourself

It s hard work yes
But you can reach out
Get more help
Go back to work
See a counsellor to work out what you (and dp) want going forward and how to move forward

The baby is here .
It is a different life maybe but you can still be you.