If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

[iloveeverykindofcat]

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

‘Fit him into your life - dont revolve yours around him!’

The. Don’t read any mummy blogs or BS on here trying to make you feel guilty about not devoting 100% to your child. Most of these people are full of bollocks anyway.

You may not have PND, early motherhood is just hard.

My grandmother used to say 'the baby has to fit in with the household, not the other way around'. I'm not endorsing this as advice, nor would I recommend just leaving the baby to cry in its pram in the garden as she did with her multiple children, just think its interesting how much the expectations of new mothers have changed.

[HumpHumpWhale]

God love you, the first year can be utterly awful. It was with my first, I remember a friend whose 3rd baby was around the same age as my first saying to me that she was really trying to enjoy the baby stage as it would be her last, and feeling utterly bewildered because I couldn't understand how anyone could enjoy anything about having a baby. But it gets so much better. Lockdown & the hideous stress of a global pandemic must make it so much worse though. I really feel for new mums in the last 18 months.
I don't really have advice - the usual, try to get out of the house every day, try to sleep when you can - kind of wound me up at that stage, I felt like people weren't acknowledging how hard it can be to do that. But I promise you it will get easier (and that is actually good advice... I used to stay up late just to get some alone time, and it was actually counter productive).
If you want to post some details of the things you're finding especially hard, you will likely get some good advice?

[Mousetown]

@Mistyplanet

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

Literally no one wants to hear your opinion @Mistyplanet

[Garbagepailgal]

I think I spent the first 6 months crying mainly. I didn’t have pnd but it was going from a very social, independent career person to housebound with a baby that didn’t sleep for more than one hour without waking and always played up when taken out. It’s lonely and it’s life changing. You feel like you can’t have these feelings. It’s ok to feel like that and still love your child.
We are pg with our second so it shows that I got through it and it hasn’t put me off.
I’m more prepared mentally this time. I think it’s the shock of it. I’m trying to warn my friend who is pregnant as no one really told me what it would be like.
I found things like not being able to have a break from bf to eat my dinner with both arms, or go and get my hair cut etc just really mentally hard. You think it’s forever. You think the lack of sleep will never end too.
It all does get better. My ds is 3 now and except for tantrums and talking too much is the light of my life! Also, goes to nursery, I’m back ft work etc . We aren’t all able to be sahp and thrive. It’s ok. If you talk to women in real life I’m sure you will hear similar stories ( just that no one talks about it !)

[Frymetothemoon]

This is exactly why I chose not to have children. I would never have coped. I really don't understand why this isn't discussed more often.
Take all the help you can get OP. As others have said, it will get easier. One day at a time...

[headintheproverbial]

I honestly feel that some of us aren't cut out for it as others are.

My children are 4 and 8 and I still find it so so hard - the demands, the need for almost complete selflessness, the lack of peace and quiet. Of course I love them and want them to have everything. I just didn't realise I would have to give of myself to this degree. Or maybe I thought I knew that without really understanding what that really meant.

And even writing this I feel such a selfish person. Which is why no one tells anyone how bad it is before they have kids!!

[MissChanandlerBong90]

I really get it OP. I felt like this until my baby was 8-9 months old, which is when he started sleeping through the night. I then felt slightly better. Then around 10 months old he fell into a proper nap routine which was an absolute game changer - I could pretty much bank on having 2.5 hours ‘off’ every day. Then I went back to work at around 12 months and he went to nursery and I felt better still. Now he’s two, and I won’t pretend life is easy but I do enjoy parenting almost all the time and feel more myself. I’m now expecting our second and I’m nervous but this time I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that the first 6-12 months will be hell but at least this time round I know they’ll pass.

Oh and I didn’t have a baby during lockdown so the whole experience must have been 100 times harder and more isolating for you.

I hope you’re ok. It will get better. Lots of good suggestions on here.

[Adelais]

It will get better. Babies are bloody hard work and lots of mums hate the baby stage.
He will get more independent, sleep through eventually and be a little person.
Do you go to any baby groups? I find they really help not feeling so alone and being able to talk to mums who are going through the same things.

[Y0YO]

OP I haven't RTFT but for what it's worth, I used to look at women walking along and wish I could be them, not strapped to a baby.

But since then I've travelled abroad alone and with others without child, been to parties, weddings, hotels etc without them, gone back to work.

It really does get better

The only thing I'd recommend is getting a good support network if you can.

If you get on with family, move near them.
If you have a partner, lean on them.
If you can, make friends in the same situation as you.

You don't need medication, you need sleep, support, help and someone to listen and lighten the load.

What you're feeling is totally normal. It's not all fluffy bunnies, it's hard and you need help. As much as you can get!!!!

[lynsey91]

@headintheproverbial

I honestly feel that some of us aren't cut out for it as others are.

My children are 4 and 8 and I still find it so so hard - the demands, the need for almost complete selflessness, the lack of peace and quiet. Of course I love them and want them to have everything. I just didn't realise I would have to give of myself to this degree. Or maybe I thought I knew that without really understanding what that really meant.

And even writing this I feel such a selfish person. Which is why no one tells anyone how bad it is before they have kids!!

I think more and more are saying that it is not always great but so many women just want to deny that.

I said in another thread that a large percentage of women regret having children. They love them but if they could go back in time they would not have any. Other posters didn't like that. I was told it was untrue and also told the percentage is 7%. A quick google told me it was around 32% but possibly higher as many do not want to admit it

[HidingFromDD]

I was you with DD2 (fine with DD1). With hindsight, it was def PND, but it got brushed off by medical professionals as I'd 'coped with no problems with my first'. It probably won't feel like it now but it really does get better. It's gradual, you won't wake up one morning and feel great but at some point you'll look back and realise that you haven't had a really bad day in a while.

I remember breaking down in front of my (then) DH and sobbing that I'd made the worst mistake of my life.

She's now in her twenties and such a delight (as is her older sister), this will get better

[MerryGoRoundBrain]

I couldn’t read this and run. I know how you feel. My DS is now 8 and I still vividly remember how hard it was. I was never diagnosed with PND, yet I spent most of the early months crying and feeling utterly trapped. I remember saying to DP that there was nothing left of the real me, the person that I used to be. I was so lonely, overwhelmed and often filled with regret because motherhood was nothing like I had imagined.
You have my deepest sympathies. It DOES get better. I struggled with baby/toddler years but once DS started to become a proper little person, chatty, curious, funny and clever, it all changed. Also, as pp mentioned, going back to work helped immensely. I made the very unpopular decision to go back to work full time. DS was nearly two when I felt ready to cut down my hours and focus on family life again.
Take all the support you can. And breathe. One day at a time.
I wholeheartedly wish you all the best and if I could give you a hug and make you breakfast and hold your baby so that you can take a nap, I really would

[thyroidhelp]

OP I don't have children but I hope your situation gets better. I left having children until pretty late in life currently TTC because I can kinda see what you're saying - I don't see the happiness involved mainly the misery!

Doesn't stop me wanting kids though and it shouldn't make you regret either.

Honestly, the alternative is less fulfilment - going for meals, holidays etc as a single or couple forever just doesn't feel fulfilling for me.

I appreciate there are other things single people can do but none of seems as fulfilling as giving life to another so I'm sure this is just a phase for you that will pass and it will get easier. X

And I agree with other posters having these feelings doesn't automatically make you depressed.

[Tal45]

Oh god the days of having a baby, I'm so glad they're over. Had so many days just like yours where I thought 'what the hell have I done, I've totally ruined my life' with everyday feeling like a week. The first year was horrendous, the second really challenging but starting to get a little better, third year it really improved. When they can talk it gets much better IMO. Now I have a teenager and that is a dream compared to a baby IMO.

A little secret that I believe to be true. When you have an absolute nightmare baby every other stage afterwards seems like a doddle, from terrible 2's to teenage they all seem easy when you compare them to that baby stage. Do what you have to do to get through it, go to bed at 7pm, let the hoovering slide but know that people are right when they say it will get better even though it doesn't seem like it now.

[Usergenerated186]

Id rather have a child than a great body

When I say my body is ruined I don’t mean I now have some wobbly bits and stretch marks. I’m not sad because I’ve lost a ‘great body’. What I mean by ‘my body is ruined’ is that I’ve had three abdominal surgeries since my son was born, and have just been told I will likely require surgery on my bladder in the next 6 months too. I have been left with major injuries requiring multiple surgical repairs which cause me daily pain and discomfort.

Anyway. I should not focus on the one shitty comment when everyone else has been so kind and helpful. Thank you all so much. It’s so hard to imagine that one day it will be better, so it helps so much to hear from others who felt this way and now enjoy parenting. I so desperately want to enjoy it and to be the mother my son deserves.

I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest. I feel so, so guilty about that - like I’m sacrificing the benefit for my son for my own selfish reasons. But I expect that’s the depression talking. I have never thought any other woman selfish for formula feeding, so I need to extend that feeling to myself.

I am a solicitor, supposed to be returning to work when my baby is a year old but my husband and I have discussed him taking parental leave and me going back early. I think it would help me a lot to have something other than the baby in my life again. I really miss my job.

Thank you all so much for being so kind. It has helped so much - knowing others felt this way and got through it is enormously comforting.

[LoverOfLight]

I can't speak from personal experience as I've been fortunate not to suffer in this way after having children (I just want to say this because I feel it's important to make clear I'm not speaking with experience of this particular issue, not to stick a boot in) but I really cannot recommend talking therapy highly enough.

A good therapist can help you make the best out of your situation. I think medication can be so helpful for some people, but as others have said, what if you are not depressed because of a chemical imbalance and are depressed because of your life circumstances? This is where therapy comes in. It can really help you find the tools and resilience to face your life and change your outlook. I think it would really help you

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Ive read a few of the posts here but not all so apologies if this has been said already. Just another perspective. My babies are all adults now and when they were small I really did lose my identity to them. I thought I wanted to but i now see the advice here to find yourself, take time away from them, is so much better.

But in case you can't follow that advice as easily as it has been given, I just wanted to let you know, I found the time from when baby is about 9 to 18 months some of the most interesting and enjoyable. Your baby may or may not be crawling now, but then you have standing, cruising, first steps, going for little walks and seeing baby toddle, first words, more independent eating, etc to look forward to. Each step is one step closer to them becoming less reliant on you.

The other advice here is so much better than mine, but i just wanted you to know, just the basic life you have with baby is going to improve soon anyway.

[Lalliella]

When I had my first the best advice I was given was that nothing lasts forever. It just feels like it does when you’re sleep deprived. It is a really tough time and it takes over your life. Believe me though OP when I say there are many joys ahead.

Many people struggle and don’t admit it because they want to live up to the image of the perfect family. In my NCT group we all struggled and none of us wanted to admit it. We were successful in our careers but we lost all confidence when it came to motherhood. We felt like failures because it’s supposed to come naturally right? Only no-one tells you it’s the hardest job in the world. If they did the human race would die out!

Things will get better OP, but in the meantime please talk to your GP for some proper help.

[NameChange30]

I've had PND and sleep deprivation is a major factor for me.

I started sertraline a few months ago. The side effects are brutal to begin with but it really is worth persevering. I feel a lot more like myself again. My advice is to start on 25mg (if you have 50mg pills you can cut them in half, get a pill cutter from a chemist) and take it in the morning, then when you've done a few days on 25mg go up to 50mg - you could even alternate 25/50 for a few days if you want.

There should also be local support for new mums with PND, in my area Mind offers specific help for it (one to one support and group sessions). You could ask your HV or GP about it. And there's PANDAS, they have a helpline, email support etc pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Lastly I do advise sleep training, it can be a controversial topic but it is worth short term crying for baby and you to get more sleep and for your mental health. There are lots of different methods but I would suggest controlled crying for fast results, and get your partner to help. There is a Facebook group called "Respectful Sleep Training/Learning" which has lots of helpful and non judgemental advice in the files and if you post.

Good luck. You are not alone

[Y0YO]

I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest.

This is a valid reason to not breast feed longer. You've already given your child a good start.
I gave up when the health visitor said better to have a happy mother.
Later found out baby had a tongue tie which made it difficult but it was also about feeling trapped.

Bottle feeding meant husband could do first half of the night and I could do second so we both got a chunk of sleep.

Of course I wish I could have breast fed like my friend who had a baby the same time and just gushed milk while baby fed easily but it didn't happen for me so there you go.

[billy1966]

I cannot think of a single woman I have known that hasn't felt overwhelmed at times and regretful.

The first year of a first baby is an absolutely shocking change for a women.

The responsibility we feel combined with the tiredness and feeling stuck is just shocking.

OP, bullet proof for contraception so that you do not accidentally get pregnant.
You may change your mind but if not an accident would be awful for you.
Lots of people very happily stay at one and in my experience only children are a very happy contented bunch.

You need to see your GP though, just to make sure there isn't something that can support you.

Also iron levels should be checked.
If low they would contibute to your exhaustion.

Your feelings are very normal.
You are very shell shocked at the changes to your life.

[Thumbcat]

I felt exactly how you do. I used to fantasise that someone would just come to the door and take my baby away. I know at the moment you can't imagine it ever getting better or ever feeling like your old self again but I promise you it will happen. Just concentrate on getter through one day at a time, take all the help you can get and prioritise looking after yourself.

[NameChange30]

I've just seen your latest post, it sounds as if you had a traumatic birth? Sorry if so.
This organisation might be helpful
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

[Y0YO]

I found the time from when baby is about 9 to 18 months some of the most interesting and enjoyable

I second this

I actually fell in love with my baby from about six months on, before that I just felt responsibility but no real rush of love.

Baby became responsive, very smiley and mobile and loved interaction.

Then at 18months discovered a will of iron

[toconclude]

@OlympicProcrastinator

Oh I felt like that when mine were that age. I think the first 3-4 years can be brutal depending on the nature of the child. It WILL get easier and more enjoyable, especially if you stick with just the one. Hang in there OP it’s not forever.

No it won't, not necessarily.