If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

@Usergenerated186 didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry you feel this way

I also have a 7m old DS - first baby and born in lockdown. And I’ve found it incredibly tough and very isolating. Most of my pregnancy was spent on furlough, and then most of his life has been in some form of lockdown.
We planned to have our child but we didn’t plan for the fact that the “virus in china” as it was at the time, would rapidly shut down the world and take away most of what we thought our pregnancy and early motherhood journey would be ❤️
And the lack of sleep 😳 oh my! It’s 5.30am and I’ve been sitting holding him since 4.45am because he decided it was time to get up. Sleeps when being held but wakes up as soon as he’s put down.

No advice I'm afraid, but I completely agree with you. Children should be grown and taught elsewhere, then handed to the parents at the age of 7.

I felt like this. It will get better. My DS is 8 now, it's so much easier when they can do more things independently. I didn't have any more children as I just couldn't face the baby and toddler stage again.

‘Fit him into your life - dont revolve yours around him!’

The. Don’t read any mummy blogs or BS on here trying to make you feel guilty about not devoting 100% to your child. Most of these people are full of bollocks anyway.

You may not have PND, early motherhood is just hard.

Regarding the sleep, sometimes you do have to shift your own sleeping habits to match.
My 13 month old has always woken up around 5am, so we go to sleep by 10pm and now are getting at least 6 hours most nights.
It's a bit rubbish but once you are used to it becomes second nature. I think mine was sleeping through for 10 hours around 6 months but you do have to persist with sleep training, we found an ewan sheep (plays womb sounds and lights up) really helpful for getting ours off to sleep. Or you can just play white noise on your phone.

Couldn't read this and run! So sorry you are feeling this was, I know what you mean and have thought across these lines before, I have 2 children and it's hard hard work but honestly you won't feel like this forever!! Some stages are harder than others. As for physical and mental health, again I've been there, I've had 2 c sections and my body is fucked I've also come through PTSD after a bad birth and have had bouts of anxiety on and off (heightened a bit by lockdowns) and understand 1000% how feeling like you've mentioned. Take care of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself for feeling how you do! Maybe speak to your GP about how you're feeling re mental health? If you don't want to go to that stage yet I really recommend trying mindfulness, I have a little book called mindfulness for mums by Yvette Jane and it really helped me on my mindfulness journey!

I was you OP. Honestly I felt the same way fir the first 12 months at least. I remember taking my DD for a walk on a lovely day when she was 8 months old, she fell asleep in the buggy and I stopped to sit down on a bench by a river. To passers by I just have looked like a new mum having a lovely time taking my baby out but behind my sunglasses I was just crying and crying and wondering what the hell I was going to do because I’d made such a big mistake.

But it does get better. I felt exactly the same about my DH too and felt he did way too much fir us, I felt pathetic that I couldn’t cope even with so much support. But it wasn’t about that, it was more that I found the process of becoming a mother completely traumatic for various reasons and it wasn’t helped by having a baby who wouldn’t sleep. Trying to get them to sleep is soul destroying and you can’t focus on it too much. A pp said “hopefully he’ll be sleeping through by the 10 month mark” which he may do BUT don’t put your hopes on this. Many kids don’t and you have to find a way of being happy that is not linked to how well your child sleeps. Mine is 2.5 now and still doesn’t sleep through.

Give it time, it does get better. But also be kind to yourself. Sending you big hugs

Just for the record, you don’t need to have PND to feel this way. Having children can wreck your mental heath, your body that you will never get back, your finances and freedom. Women need to be educated about the reality and not be influenced so heavily on social media. I feel for you OP

I do feel for you OP. But I don't really think statments like this are helpful. You will get back to who you were before (including your body if that's important to you). I am not sure any of us are similar to how we were in 2020 in terms of our mental health, but none of it is forever. Having a baby in lockdown must have been incredibly difficult. Do make sure you get out every day.

We got a sleep consultant in to sort out a plan for us for sleep training and to support us with DC1. The problem was solved in 5 days. Everything got a lot better from there. I don't know if that's possible for you?

Otherwise, if you think you can manage it, you could try cry it out yourselves? Make sure baby is fed and changed and then close the door. Everything will look so much sunnier once you're getting a bit of sleep.

I would really encourage you to try to persist a bit longer with the Sertraline as well. It gets worse for a few days or so but if you can just push through it might really make the world of difference. It did for me anyway!

Those early years are torture in a lot of ways.

However, then they get older, more independent, more interesting.

It gets much better then, you can have some great conversations with them, they can even teach you things.

I don’t like the baby and toddler phase, but I am enjoying the school years.

I felt like you for around three months and know loads of other people who did too. We all now enjoy it. The key for me - and my close friend - was stopping breast feeding and getting into a strict sleep schedule. I absolutely hated breast feeding and the pressure on women to do it is horrendous. Just take one day at a time and try to snatch sleep where you can.

It definitely gets better OP and you are not alone. There is lots of support on here.

With my first (now almost 3), we honestly did say (a lot) “what have we done”. The shock of this little person totally and utterly dependent on you, with no off button or ability to just ignore, is really something! Also, don’t underestimate the effects of you having gone through this in the middle of a pandemic. I think if you weren’t feeling at least a little bit of what you are feeling, that would not be normal.

It honestly honestly does get easier. DC1 now sleeps through (mainly) which really helps and can feed himself. We’re not a slave to bottles/nap times and it’s just easier. Don’t get me wrong, each age has its own challenges but newborns, particularly the first, are hard.

We now have a second (8 months) and I can honestly say that apart from the first 6-7 weeks, it has been a lot easier. I think just because we are used to it and honestly, that shock of the first is just so huge.

Hang in there OP, seek out as much help as possible, IRL and on here. It really will get easier x

It’s so difficult, OP. Mine is sixteen months and I felt exactly the same as you at that age, and still do sometimes. Everyone talks about what a magical, special time it is and glosses over how relentless and difficult and repetitive parenting is.

I’m glad you’re talking to your partner and to a professional about this - please persevere with the right medication for you. It’s a strong step to managing.

For many people sleep does get better around 10-11 months, and there are some good suggestions upthread.

You need to start getting back to what makes you the vibrant, fun, interesting person (that you still are - it’s just dormant at the moment). Do you have plans to return to work / use childcare ? I found that made a huge difference to me, knowing there was something else other than laundry, mealtimes and nappies.

I agree with pp in that the early years are BRUTAL. I remember it taking until dd was around 8 months until I stopped feeling like I could hand her back then I found out I was (accidentally) pregnant with ds, I was devastated for some time. I had a 15 months gap and by god those first years (really until they went to school) were tough.

Like you I love my dc more than life but I think given the choice again I would not have kids, mainly because I worry about them all of the time. That said they are 18 & 16 and absolutely fantastic, the lights of my life. I divorced their Dad so its been just us 3 for 5 years and we are so close. They will be off to Uni dd next year and ds the year after and gosh I will miss them.

It does get so much better, you need to be patient with yourself, what you are feeling is pretty common.

Oh yes I forgot to say that I went back to work part time at 5 months and it saved me to be honest. I looked forward to going to work and loved having time to be “the old me” again. I’d do everything you can to go back to work ASAP even if you only break even after paying childcare costs. It works out financially better in the long run anyway once you factor in pensions etc.

oh and pre-kids I naively thought my love for them would make all of the hard work worthwhile, that was a rose tinted view. I loved them but it was still so very hard and all consuming. Them getting older and becoming more independent helped so much.

I know how you feel! I had a baby in dec 2019 and I can honestly say I just felt like utter shit! Up until about 11-12 months when he wasn’t attached to me physically anymore and could walk. Things then get a billion trillion times better.. he still doesn’t sleep through and after rough nights I still struggle but on the most part things have eased massively.
I felt 100% the same as you though.. I couldn’t understand these parents who were having such a wonderful time with their little bundle and it made me feel so guilty.. do what you can to get by for now tantrum if you need but know that things will soon improve massively..

Also as previous posters have said returning to work for me really helped too.. x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your post could have been me when my DC was that age. I actually suffered from PND which stupidly I didn't get myself any help for until DC was around 9months old and by that stage I was pretty much suicidal. I couldn't bear the thought of my life anymore & felt like I was struggling to bond fully with my baby. I also had a very supportive DH who was my rock. In the end I got therapy for myself and I can't tell you how much it helped turn things around for me. A big part of the problem was the sheer amount of pressure I was putting on myself, coupled with the lack of support (no relatives close by) and the fact that we'd just been thrust into a pandemic. My DC is almost 2 now and they are the absolute joy of my life. I never thought I would feel like this but we're doing great & I'm very very happy. So much so that we're now considering doing it all over again. The PND daunts me but I will be seeking therapy again to prepare myself if I do fall pregnant again. Please try to reach out as much as possible and gain support wherever you can. I felt like a weight was lifted from me once I finally confided in my family too. Get therapy if you can and be fully open and honest with your DH. Keep lines of communication open and be gentle with yourself. Babies are hard work and it's ok to not always get it right or to need a break. They also grow and change so fast and can entertain themselves a lot more as they get older. Hang in there. I promise you it does get better.

I know this is trite, but honestly, it's the pandemic, at least in part, it's affecting all of our mental health one way or another, and having your first baby in the middle of it must be so, so, difficult, on top of all the usual worries of a first-time mother.
I don't know what else to say, as I was so lucky and really enjoyed the first couple of years of my baby's life, but our circumstances were utterly different from yours.
Good luck, I hope you can get a medication which suits you soon.

Oh and I also confided in a friend of mine who had a baby of a similar age. Something she had said struck me and I could sense she was feeling off. It turns out she was also suffering with PND and had felt so alone with her feelings, she hadn't even told her DH. We had a good cry together and we checked in on each other regularly. Please don't feel like you're alone in how you feel as it's far more common than people let on.

I could not read this and run. I'm just another Mum who also felt very overwhelmed with it all, my sons are now teenagers and I am glad Instagram did not exist when I had them. I had no family around due to where we lived but I had a great Dh and honest friends who also talked about how hard it is.

Your body is still recovering from the pregnancy and lack of sleep is a killer. Are you breastfeeding? Are you returning to work at some point?

As for being a burden, your partner loves you, you just need a bit more support right now and I am sure you would do the same for him. I am disabled so my needing Dh has and will never stop.

If you need medication to help you through this time then try a different one, it might be the magic key to feeling more like you again. Babies are brutal on your body, your relationship, your mental health. You are not alone.

OP this is a really difficult time. It will definitely, definitely get better. Getting some sleep is an absolute priority. Being sleep deprived makes everything seem much worse. Get some time away from the baby, maybe meeting a friend for coffee or having a massage, doing some exercise, whatever will get you back to feeling more like yourself.

Don't feel guilty for feeling this way, many (most?) new mothers feel bad at some point, but there's so much pressure to be perfect that they often don't share how they're really feeling. I know I didn't!

Take care of yourself first and foremost. It's the right thing to do because it will benefit your baby too.

Hi OP I'm so sorry you feel this way and I totally get it. I have a 7 month old and 24 month old. I felt the same with DD1 but once I'd sleep trained and she was sleeping through the night I felt a zillion times better. She was a difficult baby and I hated the first year. It gets soooo much better I promise, toddler's are a handful but I'd take that any day over a baby. My 7 month old DD2 is an easy baby in comparison and good sleeper but having her in lockdown was brutal and I still can't wait til the first year is done and dusted. I started citropram in the winter as struggled with 2 babies in the middle of a pandemic and it has helped my sleep and helped me cope massively. I promise when they sleep, start walking, talking etc and you get a bit of freedom back life improves. I still have my DD1 in childcare 2 days a week and am looking forward to returning to work in September despite the insane nursery fees I'll be paying for both. I'm a much better mum when I have a break from them and have no shame in putting my eldest in childcare and youngest in a creche or with a family member to have some time alone. All the best to you, hang in there it gets better!