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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

576 replies

Usergenerated186 · 28/06/2021 04:17

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

OP posts:
stalkersaga · 08/12/2021 19:29

It's really great to hear that you're doing so much better OP.

I know what you mean about it feeling endless when you're in it. When I look back to the dark sleepless days with my first baby, it really was a short period, but it didn't feel that way at the time, and I didn't have the benefit of experience to know that it would get better.

LazJaz · 08/12/2021 20:38

@Emerald5hamrock thank you for your kind reply. I will try the GP again.

@43leftfeet thank you for sharing.
He doesn’t have any ASD signs that I can see yet although strong genetic predisposition (all the men in my family). But it seems that a lot has changed since my brothers were little so perhaps worth asking some different questions of the HCPs to see what comes with it.
Thank you.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 08/12/2021 20:53

I’m sorry you feel like this, I had similar feelings. I went back to work full time when mine was 1 year old. Best thing I did, I found maternity leave extremely tedious and lonely,. lock down has added an extra layer of misery. Hang in there, it does get better and don’t be shy in asking for help. My GP were rubbish, my health visitor was brilliant. Keep trying different professionals until you find one that works for you. Also try and access online therapy.

MrsAnybody · 13/02/2022 06:16

It's not always easy, sleep deprivation and YEARS of acid reflux, middle of the night vomiting, yet I never, ever felt this way about having my child. Sorry not sorry but you sound unbelievably self centered. Here's the real deal:
Being the child of a mother who didn't want me, my best advice to you is to get some mental support and quick as your child already senses your animosity. You will end up with a child/adult who feels unwanted and unloved ALL ITS LIFE if you don't do something about this now. They will have a difficult time with friendships and relationships if you don't find a way to fix this. And honestly, saying you love your son more than anything but regret having him makes absolutely no sense at all. Get some help or you will regret even more the damage you will do to this child.

Elderflower14 · 13/02/2022 06:35

Zombie thread!!!! Hmm

LilacShimmer · 13/02/2022 07:01

I’ve read your comments not everyone else’s.

Start bottle feeding. You may get some sleep
No reason for guilt, this is for your sanity.
Bottle feeding needn’t be a chore. Buy an electric steriliser, a good supply of bottles, a warmer and formula. Try the readymade stuff to start with, if you like.

Life will feel a little less hard. And you will get some rest.

LilacShimmer · 13/02/2022 07:01

Oh darn zombie thread.

CheesecakeAddict · 13/02/2022 07:42

I felt like this until dd was nearly 5 and to be honest, that is only because I work full time, my parents are really hands on so I can go out with friends at the weekend and I've gone back to uni so I feel like I'm using my brain. It's not PND when motherhood is like groundhog day and children and children's games are mind numbingly boring.

Part of the problem comes from society expecting women to have kids, and also from this spiel some people pull out when they say "it'll be different when it's your own".

I love dd to bits but I would never have another one.

CheesecakeAddict · 13/02/2022 07:43

Damn it, didn't see this was a zomboe thread

TheHumanExperience · 13/02/2022 08:46

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It can be incredibly tough for the first few months.

Listen to your body with regards to medication. Sertraline is not great for many people. It can make matters much worse.

Have you looked into any natural supplements to support your emotional health and gut bacteria? After pregnancy some essential low in the body and this can greatly contribute to PND.

Here's a link that may help.
www.dremilylesnak.com/new-blog/2020/1/10/4-herbal-remedies-for-postpartum-anxiety

Remember, everything is temporary. Taking just one day at a time or even just one hour at a time can help.

Do you nap? If you're not getting enough sleep at night, you absolutely must nap when baby naps, it will make the world of difference.

3Daddy31982 · 13/02/2022 09:14

Try valium. Read Down came the rain by Brooke shields. Things will get better. Take it one day at a time xx

Applesarenice · 13/02/2022 09:27

It is not forever. I found the fog disappeared around 3 years and I became myself again

MindyStClaire · 13/02/2022 10:05

@MrsAnybody

It's not always easy, sleep deprivation and YEARS of acid reflux, middle of the night vomiting, yet I never, ever felt this way about having my child. Sorry not sorry but you sound unbelievably self centered. Here's the real deal: Being the child of a mother who didn't want me, my best advice to you is to get some mental support and quick as your child already senses your animosity. You will end up with a child/adult who feels unwanted and unloved ALL ITS LIFE if you don't do something about this now. They will have a difficult time with friendships and relationships if you don't find a way to fix this. And honestly, saying you love your son more than anything but regret having him makes absolutely no sense at all. Get some help or you will regret even more the damage you will do to this child.
I know this is a zombie thread so I should leave well alone, but really?

Have you read OP's posts? The surgeries, the disabling injuries she's dealing with? Yes she clearly needs some help with her mental health for her own sake and also for her baby but no she does not sound self centered and she does not deserve blame.

OP if you're reading after this has been resurrected,I hope you're in a better place now Flowers

velvet24 · 13/02/2022 10:17

It gets harder, baby part easiest!

Helen2021 · 15/02/2022 10:43

@Mistyplanet If you cannot relate and have nothing nice to say just shut up :)

interest12 · 15/02/2022 11:36

I hope anyone weighing up whether to have a child is not influenced by this. The OP seems to be going through some MH issues and not every has such a negative experience - it's not that we're not being honest as was suggested above. I say that as someone who would read these types of posts when deciding if I would try to conceive and know how scary they can be.
We decided on having 1 child and now that my son is here (5 mths old) I've had an overall great experience, he's great fun to hang out with, albeit (yes) tiring. I'm about to go back to work and I haven't let being a mum stop me from socialising or getting back my sport. The body isn't great, but it's getting there.
I'm sorry to hear the OP is having such a tough time and am not dismissing her experience but, by way of balance, there are many others who genuinely have a wonderful experience and no regrets.

krysnyte · 10/03/2022 15:58

I think you need to talk to someone, ANYONE! Because it can help so much to get this out so that you don't carry it inside. I wasn't the greatest mom in the world, and I struggled a lot but I loved my baby and it sounds like you do too. I have thought so many times how I wished I didn't have a baby, because I would have had an education or blah blah, but I can never truly feel like I would change that fact. And he didn't change that for me, I changed it for me. You can do a lot even with a baby, even a poor kid like I was, living below poverty level, I could have done more if I had tried. And it's definitely NOT fair that as moms we have to try harder and work harder to keep life interesting and fun, and we have to work harder to achieve our goals, but it's definitely worth putting yourself out there. I had good friends that helped me a lot. I hope you have access to friends, family, counselors, or even just an online group that can get you through this. Good luck!

1forAll74 · 10/03/2022 17:09

All very sad to hear, if you can't come to terms with motherhood. You need to talk to someone, and get some help with your way of thinking about your inner problems. i would not be taking these anti depressants as a way of dealing with everything, as they are mind and mood changing drugs, and people can become addicted to them, as a way of coping with problems, but the problems are still there inderneath.

Fritilleries · 10/03/2022 17:13

@1forAll74

All very sad to hear, if you can't come to terms with motherhood. You need to talk to someone, and get some help with your way of thinking about your inner problems. i would not be taking these anti depressants as a way of dealing with everything, as they are mind and mood changing drugs, and people can become addicted to them, as a way of coping with problems, but the problems are still there inderneath.
Not really fact based. Maybe you should look up how SSRIs actually work?
Greyarea12 · 10/03/2022 17:46

Your post takes me back to when I felt that way. Being a Mum is hard, especially being a Mum to a baby. I also felt regret and felt I went from this independent, social, free spirit to a depressed, suicidal shell of myself. I promise you, you won't feel that way forever. I was diagnosed with PND and just felt like I had so much regret having a baby. That was 10 years ago. Now, years later, I could not imagine my life not being a Mum. I love my child so much it actually physically hurts when they aren't here with me (with Dad on holiday for example) I promise you won't feel this way forever. It definitely gets easier, gets more enjoyable and one day you won't be able to imagine life not being a mum. One day, the thought of not being a mum will seem boring to you. Hang on in there. Accept all offers of help. Try to have 'me time'. Prioritise self care. See friends/family and try to get abit of you back. This feeling won't last forever

Lostmyway86 · 10/03/2022 17:49

@velvet24 what a load of rubbish. Even if it was true have a look at the thread you're actually posting on and think before you post.

Doggydreaming · 10/03/2022 18:13

Can you afford to put him in nursery and get some of your old life back? Leave him with his dad or a trusted family member for a few hours and have some time to yourself/ see a friend? Learn something new/apply for jobs while he sleeps? Anything to briefly feel like yourself?

Also, did your GP do any blood tests before offering you antidepressants? Did you get your iron and thyroid checked?

Tannie67 · 09/06/2022 00:33

Okay.
You need sleep. Priority # 1.

Do you breast feed? If so. Stop. It makes the baby totally dependent on you and you can't get away. So either pump and bottlefeed or stop. Baby is well old enough now.

Secondly. Again...You need sleep. If you don't have to feed baby? Get someone to take baby 1 to 2 times a week for a whole 10 - 12 hours. Get the baby physically away from you. Either you go some where, or the baby goes somewhere. Not in the same house. You need to know you aren't listening for the baby, so you can fall into a deep sleep. Not be half awake.

Do you have a GOOD GP? One that really understands and has practical, solid advice? I was lucky to encounter a fabulous one. No nonsense, female GP who had kids of her own and truly seemed to understand my mess!! Sertraline shouldn't be stopping you sleep. Did you take it in the morning? You need to take it for 6 weeks to see what it can do for you. Or perhaps try a different one. But you probably need anti-depressants, at least for a while.

And get out of the house...go for a walk every day. It does wonders for your mood..tough when you start. I was lucky to live near the beach when kids smallest. I'd go and sit under the trees and put babies on mat. Get outdoors. I used to even sit out the front of my house sometimes and watch the cars go by! Think "look at all those people living normal lives, whilst I'm here feeding and feeding and changing pooey nappies and doing washing!! Lol....initially I said that in a depressed way, then I'd laugh about it.

And...one of the best bits of advice I got. Was actually from a nun! Pastoral care in hospital when I'd been hospitalised for my anxiety PND...she said "just ENJOY your baby" and truly? That seemed to click something in me. Instead of looking at what the baby was taking from me? I flipped. I started to enjoy how much fun a baby is..their cute little smiles and we'd just do FUN things.

I now love motherhood..Truly.

The time ends up going so fast.

Strawberriesaregreat · 09/06/2022 01:19

If you're not getting much sleep that in itself will make you feel rubbish. It will get better and then this will seem like a blur. Talk to friends/family in rl who have been through it or maybe join a local mums group?

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 09/06/2022 01:40

This post is a year old. Ops child is now 19 months old. She hasn't posted since the day she wrote the post!