If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

It’s sleep deprivation Op, chronic, long term sleep deprivation. If you are breast feeding,stop. If necessary, have a couple of nights away and just sleep. Then get your DH to take a week off work and sleep train whilst you sleep. You are unwell and he can crack it. Get ear plugs. Then put yourself first and prioritise sleep. If he has a job with sick pay, get him signed off for a month with stress and get yourself back on track. Then get back to work and get baby into childcare. Life will feel so much more your own again and you will enjoy spending time with baby more. Mother hood IS brutal and definitely not helped by the constant images of perfection. Hang in there Op!

Usergenerated186 as so many others have said, it will be unrecognisably different once he sleeps and is a bit more independent. Motherhood isn't the same experience all the way through and different people are suited to different phases. A brilliant, happy mum of babies might not cope nearly as well with primary age child or teen - and vice versa! You may well adore motherhood once your child is 3, or 8, or 13 (I have teens, they get a bad rap but mine are lovely and hilarious and insightful, and they cook dinner and pack the dishwasher and take the bins out - nothing like babies!).

Keep talking to MN and your DH and the nurse and your health visitor, but above all know that the experience of having a seven month old isn't what being a mother is - this is a short phase, in a year it'll be a different experience, and in three years unrecognisably different, and again in another three etc.

Parenthood is really tough and even more so in a pandemic. Don’t be hard on yourself, take each day as it comes. Have you got anyone in RL to support you when DH isn’t there? Accept offers of help. This phrase will pass. Hand hold OP

Oh I agree, babies are bloody awful. I've had two and I hated pretty much 90% of it until they hit 18 months but then it gets amazing. They can talk and learn and suddenly I feel a bit more me.

OP, get all the support you can, for as long as you need it.

I can assure you that your H does NOT consider you a burden, that's the sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations (and possible PND) that makes you think like that.

The early months are hard, and SM 'expectations' are totally unrealistic (and completely untrue ! No new Mum looks or feels like that, I promiseyou !)

The best way to help yourself is to keep talking. Keep telling the truth about how you're feeling. Forget the crap everyone is fed about breastfeeding/bottle feeding/sleep etc, and do what's right/works for YOU and your DC

The first year is when all the big changes happen. You 'becoming' a Mother and your H 'becoming' a Father (and no, it doesn't just 'happen' at the birth, it's something you grow into as you and your DH's life have totally changed, and it takes time to adjust to that).

Your whole world, everything you thought you knew about yourself and your H, has been turned upside down. It takes time to settle into a new 'normal'.

Your body has undergone a metamorphosis. You have created a new human being on the planet. Little old you, has created life. You should be proud of your amazing accomplishment ! Think how David Attenborough would describe it ! [wow]

It's great that you have seen the nurse, and you are open to trying things to help you. It'll take time to find what will work for you.

Meantime, the best 'help' you can get is to speak to other Mums (in RL and online), because it's by speaking to others in the same position that you can see that everyone finds it bloody hard !

You are NOT alone, in fact, you have joined the biggest CLUB on planet earth!

Years ago I suffered with PND but I only realised many years later when it began to be talked about . I felt so guilty that I couldn’t just manage everything and be the perfect mum. DH was not particularly supportive . Working helped me and about 9 months the cloud lifted. When I had my second child I felt better but my health visitor asked me to get involved with setting up a mother and toddler group. The women I met were my lifeline . It was so good to talk to other mums and we supported each other . We remain friends over 40 years later. Good luck OP . It will get better . Accept all help offered .

As you can see OP, many others have/do feel the same way so you are definitely not alone although it feels like it at the time.
Sleep deprivation is the worst thing and I remember feeling completely obsessed with it... 'how much sleep would I get'?, 'when would they wake up'?', it consumed my thoughts. My DD was premature and when we brought her home she would only have 2oz of milk at a time, meaning she was waking 2 hourly, day and night and it was relentless.
Regarding the antidepressants - it can be hit and miss until you find the right one. They can take a while to kick in and can sometimes make you feel worse before you feel better.

I promise, it will get better

You are not alone, OP.
Motherhood is such a massive life change that is a tremendous shock.
I don't feel you need ADs--I do feel you need to some of the life you had before it became all about the baby. Return to work so you can have non-parenting time and give you a 'break' from it.
I speak from e

..experience. (Sorry posted too soon)

Counselling would probably help too.

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

Try citalopram and hire a sleep consultant.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You won't feel this forever, promise.

I felt exactly the same with both of mine - now aged 9 and 18 (this is why I have the huge age gap- it took me that long to come to terms with how awful the baby stage is). I love my dc more than anything now but my god the baby stage sucks. I hated it.

Hi OP. I feel very much the same and my DC is 18 months. I feel it less as she’s becoming her own person and I get to know her, but I never had the rush of love (protective instinct yes, but love took a long time).

You may have PND, but equally you may not. I think we do women a disservice by saying it every time they find motherhood isn’t what they expected.

I had my first night away from my DC a couple of weeks ago and it was transformational. Are you able to organise something like that?

Your feelings are so valid, it’s not for us all and the feeling of losing your old self is completely destabilising. But I promise you’ll find your old self again, it’s still very soon after having a baby!

How old is your baby? The first two years are hard, but then before you realize they start nursery/ school and you will have your time back. Hugs!

@Mistyplanet

I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him

Really ??

Why would you ever want to say that to someone ??

Op needs reassurance and encouragement, not smug, self-righteousness !

It's great that you can look at them and i feel blessed, but can't you empathize at all ??

I won't. I didn't really want kids but then I've worked as a nanny and now I've never been more sure of anything

@Mistyplanet

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

Not helpful is it? Surely you can appreciate not everybody feels like you?

It is heartwarming to read of all te solid advice you have been given OP.
I hope you are feeling better soon.I am at the other end of mothering- my youngest is 21.
Motherhood has left me a different person, totally transformed.
It is not an easy process being a parent but it can enhance us as individuals. Even all the shitty bits.
Don't look to go back to the person you used to be, move forward.
Hate to say but the best and worst are still to come.

Ok I had my first and had very similar feelings. They slowly ebbed away enough for me to have another baby and I tackled it head on this time. I did all the things I thought I’d hate and kept Uber busy plus prepared for a dip in my mental health. It was a completely different experience second time round.

Don’t get me wrong I occasionally still lust after the pre kids days but you know what, given that choice, I really wouldn’t press that button now.

I would recommend switching to formula if you're a BFer sleep training your baby - your life will be so much better, it doesn't have to be this hard.

Just a tip on the anti-depressants, if they are giving you insomnia, take them at the other end of the day. So morning if you were taking them at night and vice versa. Made the world of difference to me. I take mine in the morning.

Ask your gp for another anti-depressant. Sertraline made me feel like I had a massive hangover. Prozac and citalopram both worked for me.

FYI I have a toddler and fearsome 4 year old so the wait to feel differently won’t necessarily take long. No one tells you they feel like this because they are afraid that people (like previous poster) will judge you and imply your child is at risk of emotional damage!

There are many of us. You are not alone.

I felt the same. It gets better.