If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I broke down in tears at my GP begging for sleeping tablets when my DS was 18 months old. I took them for a week and then every now and again when I felt I needed a good nights sleep.

Catching up with sleep made a hell of a difference to my life.

Hi OP, is your baby healthy? Can you have a social life?

I felt like this too OP. I just found the whole thing so boring. I went back to work full time as soon as possible for the adult company.
Don't get me wrong I love DS more than life but motherhood is not for everyone.
I decided it wasn't going to stop me enjoying life and I'd take him to festivals, camping and abroad with minimum baby junk. Sometimes just in a sling. He loved it.
Now he is nearly 40 I just couldn't be without him. He is the one constant thing in my life.

It’s wrong to say that any woman who doesn’t enjoy the reality of parenting is mentally ill. They could be, alongside finding it shit.
Nothing on earth could make me have a kid.

You've done one of the toughest bits. Well done.

But yes. Your post is important because having a baby is not all sweetness and light. It is limiting on certain lifestyles, there is a lot of poo, wee and tears, there is a lot of drudge and repetitive slog, it can wreck your body,

@Usergenerated186 I felt like this for a long time, and if I could go back, I wouldn't have had children. I love both of mine dearly, but I didn't realise how selfish I am.

@Treehaus

How old is he?

@Usergenerated186 It sounds like post natal depression? YES, having a baby of course changes one's life, but if you feel unable to bond with the child, get help as a priority.

I saw a tiktok the other day of someone saying they weren't sure about having kids until someone told them just remember it is basically the only decision you make that you can't undo. You can get divorced, move back from someone you have moved to, change jobs, study something else etc. But your child is then your child always. That made her realise she didnt want to so something she couldnt ever change her mind about.

It's so difficult to know for sure how you will be until you are in the position. But once you are, you are. The best thing you can do if you feel this way is to reach out for support and talk about it to trusted people like a therapist for emotional support. You can do it.

OP I feel like you sometimes. I have a two year old that tantrums everytime I leave the house. He isn't speaking much either and was a colicky baby who didn't sleep well (neither did my first!). I haven't had an easy ride with my kids, although my first one is very well behaved. I just try to remind my self it will get better and try not to feel guilty if I'm not the perfect parent. I work FT, so I don't have time to be!

A weird thing that helped was taking a supplement. I was in a terrible mood last week that lifted within hours of taking some supplements. I bf so could be deficient. I take ginko, omega 3, a multivitamin and magnesium.

I have also been prescribed Amytryptiline for mild pain which helps me sleep. It's a small dose, so I wake ok if my son needs it, but when I am asleep the quality of sleep is better. I only take 5-7mg, but having somewhat decent sleep makes a huge difference.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad op. What time of day were you taking the sertraline? The later in the day I took it the more awake I would feel at night. It does take maybe two weeks to get through side effects and take effect fully. However, a rare side effect is it can make some people feel suicidal so if it doesn’t agree with you definitely see if they can try you on something else.

I agree that it sounds like you could do with more social support. There some PND support groups that you could get it all off of your chest to. Ask your perinatal team about the nearest one to you. How it gets better fast.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP. I can totally sympathise. Mine are now 11 & 15. I love them to bits but I can say that overall I have not enjoyed motherhood. Its just one long chore of doing it all for them (eldest is SEN), battles to get them to do anything ever, I feel like I'm a waitress/cleaner/hired help. I feel so very tied to the house as I need to be here to look after them, unless DH is here then I can go out. I will leave them alone but only for an hour or so and not at night. I love the things and life I have provided for them, they are privileged in some respects. They will always have my love but now at 46 I long for my life back. A life where I can go out/away whenever I want to and without feeling guilty for not taking them and I don't have to organise childcare. I want to go to fancy hotels/holidays but I cant with them as they wont appreciate it and would be bored. Sorry, didn't mean to take over with being all about me.
No words, except I know how you feel xx

@rhowton I felt like this for a long time, and if I could go back, I wouldn't have had children. I love both of mine dearly, but I didn't realise how selfish I am.

/////

THIS, totally.

Just wanted to say if this comment pushed the OP over the edge- you absolutely can ‘get your body back’ if you want to, I did both times (2 kids) Doesn’t happen straight away mind- it takes a while so don’t worry too much.
OP it will get better, I promise you it will. It can be very hard 7 months in.

Having major surgeries is huge enough in itself without being responsible for another ( tiny) person. Medical problems will have seriously depleted your physical strength.
Have you had bloods checked ? You need optimum levels of all vitamins, not just borderline ( which drs will say is ok, always get a copy of your results and check them)
You’ve breastfed yourself baby for 7 months, that’s fine, lots of good food and antibodies. If changing to a bottle is going to help you go for it. And don’t feel any guilt.
Maybe some day care for your son would help, it will give you a break to recuperate.
Life will get better.

@NowEvenBetter

It’s wrong to say that any woman who doesn’t enjoy the reality of parenting is mentally ill. They could be, alongside finding it shit. Nothing on earth could make me have a kid.

It seems like miserable drudgery to me, unless you're fortunate enough to have a partner who is in the small minority if men who actually pull their weight and take on their share of the mental load.

For anyone that’s pregnant reading this and worrying it might be like this.. I fully presumed I’d never sleep again and the whole thing was just going to be awful. I couldn’t have been more wrong! I’ve got a 4 month old who’s slept through the night every night since 6 weeks old. For the last 2 months that sleep has been 12 hours! I’m sure most babies are not like him but some babies definitely are. He’s added so much to my life. During the day is obviously challenging at times if he’s crying but he generally only cries when he’s hungry or tired and it can be sorted quickly. The fact I love him so much also helps because you don’t mind 😂 just wanted to put a positive spin on it in case anyone is pregnant and worrying like I was

Oh sweetie switch to bottle feeding you have more than done your bit and bottle feeding will help with sleeping (been there, had the anguish about ‘giving up’ breastfeeding, felt like me again once I got some sleep)

And if you want to go back to work now just do it, there never used to be year long maternity leave.

Think about using a nursery, you’d get to meet other mothers who work which is helpful.

@Usergenerated186

Id rather have a child than a great body

When I say my body is ruined I don’t mean I now have some wobbly bits and stretch marks. I’m not sad because I’ve lost a ‘great body’. What I mean by ‘my body is ruined’ is that I’ve had three abdominal surgeries since my son was born, and have just been told I will likely require surgery on my bladder in the next 6 months too. I have been left with major injuries requiring multiple surgical repairs which cause me daily pain and discomfort.

Anyway. I should not focus on the one shitty comment when everyone else has been so kind and helpful. Thank you all so much. It’s so hard to imagine that one day it will be better, so it helps so much to hear from others who felt this way and now enjoy parenting. I so desperately want to enjoy it and to be the mother my son deserves.

I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest. I feel so, so guilty about that - like I’m sacrificing the benefit for my son for my own selfish reasons. But I expect that’s the depression talking. I have never thought any other woman selfish for formula feeding, so I need to extend that feeling to myself.

I am a solicitor, supposed to be returning to work when my baby is a year old but my husband and I have discussed him taking parental leave and me going back early. I think it would help me a lot to have something other than the baby in my life again. I really miss my job.

Thank you all so much for being so kind. It has helped so much - knowing others felt this way and got through it is enormously comforting.

Forget the guilt ! Stop breast feeding and yes get back to work . Take your painkillers and give the sertraline another go . You have had a massive upheaval in your life . It's not surprising you feel the way you do . Young babies are pretty boring - I always feel that they strat to get interesting about 9 months or so . If it weren't for hormones we would have thrown them in a bush a long time ago 😬

This is a zombie thread, OP posted in June

It sounds like you need some serious help and I hope you are able to get it for all your sakes.

Coming on here to tell everyone a baby will ruin their life is not really on though.

I had a great career that took me all over the world. I earned a lot of money. DH and I had a fantastic lifestyle. I was really athletic and fit. I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

Then I had my son and I realised that all the above was nothing compared to holding him close and looking into his eyes.

I hope you get some help as it is not fair on any of you.

OP posted in June so this is quite an old thread? Hope that she's doing better.

Oh, op. I felt like this. Still do sometimes. Have moments when I miss adult interaction and having my own autonomy with having to think for someone else. BUT, she’s nearly 3 now and it has got much much better.

OP, you'll get yourself back ( might take fifteen years) and things won't be so bad.

But, I do agree with you. If I could turn the clock back to the 1970s (knowing what I know now), I would run away from home and spend my life having a good time. I wouldn't have a child. I did, and she's had a hard life, a good proportion of which was due to me, though I always tried to be a good parent. I'd have been kinder not to have her.

Hi, I have a 9 months old and this is my 3rd child. With each of my children I have had what I describe as a "wobble" which always hits around the 7-9month mark. It's kind of a delayed pnd, but probably more just the sleepless nights, start of weaning (so more hassle and mess/something extra to think about) and just the point where you've been doing the same for months that it seems to hit. I also brestfed/still breastfeed so this adds to the difficulty.

I've never sought professional help as I always felt like my struggles were just to do with the situation I was in, not something wrong with me. I just powered through and moaned lots, but I think having help with the baby, so someone who can take the baby for you even if for just an hour or 2 (if you are breastfeeding and can't leave them properly) helps massively. As time goes on it does get easier, not easy though I might add. Life with kids is hard and it's demanding of your time, right up to 18 and beyond. I think at the moment though you are in a similar fog to what I have experienced, that does pass. This stage doesn't last forever, like all the other stages they grow and become more independent. I recognise how you feel though and it does get better honest.

Just noticed this is from June, hope you are doing better now x