If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I feel you OP. Mine are 2 and 5 and it hasn't got better. Worst decision ever. I do love them though.

Argh fucking Zombie.

Why? Why do people feel the need to resurect these things?

The first three weeks of any anti-depressant can be hard-going & it can seem like taking a tablet to go backwards. But It takes time for the medication to build up for a difference to be made. So maybe think about trying the Sertraline again or asking for another med (as you did say).

However, your immediate issue is complete lack of sleep. Resolving this problem is a key factor in lifting your mood & state of mind.

Oh so easy to say, but tight control of your routine & sleep hygiene will help…a bit. Obviously, your baby has yet to settle through the night & take up any sensible suggestions to help this process along. But around that, you will need to establish your own routine to prioritise the best habits that support YOUR mental health & wellbeing. This is your priority after baby. Everyone else & everything else can get stuffed.

Next to tackle is your habit of rumination. Terrible habit. Partially due to your exhaustion & also massive change in your life, your usual coping routines are out of whack. A short course of online Cognitive Based Therapy to address your habit of rumination may be useful to you - your GP, health visitor or local MH Trust may help you get this.

You are not alone.
Please don’t suffer this in isolation.
Get as much help & support as you can.

Small things such as a friend babysitting so you can have a long hot bath (remember when?), curl up with a light read & cuppa, & snoooooze is an everyday treat. Maybe your & your partner have a weekend lunch whilst friend stays in with baby - no need to disrupt baby routine or pack a load of stuff. Small things to ask of a friend or grandparents.

I felt like this, certainly for the first two years and to an extent almost until DS started school. I settled into it after that and have never felt the same way since. I just found it all so hard and draining and small. I didn’t take to it and didn’t have a second child for that reason. But when it lifted I wouldn’t be without him and am so glad that I had him now. He’s 12 and aside from the constant virus hell that children bring with them, the last 8 or 9 years with him have been a joy. Don’t underestimate how bad the sleep deprivation will be making you feel - it does lift a bit when that settles down more. And I’d give the sertraline another go and try to sit out the initial insomnia. Give it a few months - it really will help.

I hope things have improved since you posted.
You may be depressed or just hate motherhood, either way you need to work hard to change your feelings.

‘ OP posted in June so this is quite an old thread? Hope that she's doing better.’

Hope so.
Useful thread for new mums.

It’s sleep deprivation Op, chronic, long term sleep deprivation. yes, I agree

If you are breast feeding,stop.

Please ignore this unless YOU want to give up BFing. If you are BFing and it's presumably well established at 7 months, giving up BFing won't give you more sleep. And it may even make night feeds harder as you have to go through all the faffing about, ensuring sterilised milk at the correct temperature, instead of simply bringing your baby to your boob, which is much easier, it's nature's fast food!

BFing, for me at least, was one of the things that helped me get through.

When my were in pain, too hot, too cold, unhappy and especially when my DC were ill and refusing even to take water, breastfeeding was the answer to everything, and it makes me really sad to see people being so quick to tell others to stop it without even asking how it's going.

The way you feel is totally normal.
Being a mum is such hard work.
My husband is amazing too but and my son is 3 but I still really really struggle!!
Make sure you get some ‘me time’ meet friends, go to bed super early just to get some sleep before the baby wakes again, exercise.. it really does help! Arrange things to look forward to. All these things help and yes ask the dr for some medication that might suit you better.

Sending you love as I can totally relate x

Hi all. I’m the OP of this thread - have name changed a couple of times since. Just seen it has been resurrected and wanted to give an update.

Things are so, so much better now. It’s really night and day. My son being that much older now sleeps better and that has been a game changer beyond all words. He still doesn’t sleep through (maybe he never will 🤣😭) but it’s so much more manageable than it was. He is also becoming his own person with the sunniest, sweetest personality and I love him so much.

I’m even still breastfeeding which I thought at the time I would absolutely give up.

In case anyone else is in the position I was in, what helped me was really reaching out to others about how I was feeling. My husband has always been the most wonderful champion in my corner and did more than his share, but what really helped was sitting down with our families and explaining how desperate things were. They stepped in with so much love and support and it made such a difference, emotionally and practically.

I am also in therapy to address my own issues around perfectionism and self-loathing. That is a slow process of unpicking a lot of harmful behaviours but it’s slowly making a difference to me.

I still have some pretty serious medical issues. They are what they are - I will eventually have them resolved, all being well. In the meantime I can live with them while my mental health is so much better.

I am back at work. I miss my son while I am away from him but I like having something else to think about and another aspect of my life that isn’t just being his mother.

All is well now. It did get better, though at the time I truly couldn’t believe it would. I have so much joy in my son now, and so much more light and happiness in my life. I don’t think I will ever have another baby because I don’t want to go through that again, but my family feels complete and happy and whole.

I so desperately feel for women who go through what I did. It’s easy to look back now knowing things did improve and say it was actually just a short time in my life, but while I was going through it it felt so absolutely endless and unliveable. I didn’t know how I would survive, and I would urge any woman feeling the same to lean on anyone you’ve ever known who might help because mums need a village.

Finally, fuck the journo cunt who turned this cry for help from a desperate and vulnerable new mum into tabloid fodder. You made me feel so much worse about myself, and exposed me to truly vicious online commentary about how I wasn’t fit to be a mother and should have my adored and well cared for son removed from my care. You’re an atrocity and you should be ashamed.

That's a brilliant update.

Finally, fuck the journo cunt who turned this cry for help from a desperate and vulnerable new mum into tabloid fodder. You made me feel so much worse about myself, and exposed me to truly vicious online commentary about how I wasn’t fit to be a mother and should have my adored and well cared for son removed from my care. You’re an atrocity and you should be ashamed.
Bastard journo.

@inthekitchensink

I felt the same, birth injuries, PNDand wrote about it here ( link.medium.com/L27r6SFEtib )

What if it doesn’t get better though? He’s nearly 2. Maybe I feel worse than ever now.

@User1765

Hi all. I’m the OP of this thread - have name changed a couple of times since. Just seen it has been resurrected and wanted to give an update.

Things are so, so much better now. It’s really night and day. My son being that much older now sleeps better and that has been a game changer beyond all words. He still doesn’t sleep through (maybe he never will 🤣😭) but it’s so much more manageable than it was. He is also becoming his own person with the sunniest, sweetest personality and I love him so much.

I’m even still breastfeeding which I thought at the time I would absolutely give up.

In case anyone else is in the position I was in, what helped me was really reaching out to others about how I was feeling. My husband has always been the most wonderful champion in my corner and did more than his share, but what really helped was sitting down with our families and explaining how desperate things were. They stepped in with so much love and support and it made such a difference, emotionally and practically.

I am also in therapy to address my own issues around perfectionism and self-loathing. That is a slow process of unpicking a lot of harmful behaviours but it’s slowly making a difference to me.

I still have some pretty serious medical issues. They are what they are - I will eventually have them resolved, all being well. In the meantime I can live with them while my mental health is so much better.

I am back at work. I miss my son while I am away from him but I like having something else to think about and another aspect of my life that isn’t just being his mother.

All is well now. It did get better, though at the time I truly couldn’t believe it would. I have so much joy in my son now, and so much more light and happiness in my life. I don’t think I will ever have another baby because I don’t want to go through that again, but my family feels complete and happy and whole.

I so desperately feel for women who go through what I did. It’s easy to look back now knowing things did improve and say it was actually just a short time in my life, but while I was going through it it felt so absolutely endless and unliveable. I didn’t know how I would survive, and I would urge any woman feeling the same to lean on anyone you’ve ever known who might help because mums need a village.

Finally, fuck the journo cunt who turned this cry for help from a desperate and vulnerable new mum into tabloid fodder. You made me feel so much worse about myself, and exposed me to truly vicious online commentary about how I wasn’t fit to be a mother and should have my adored and well cared for son removed from my care. You’re an atrocity and you should be ashamed.

So glad to hear this. (Well except the fucking journo, obvs).

What if it doesn’t get better though? He’s nearly 2. Maybe I feel worse than ever now.

Do you feel worse, LazJaz?

I think I feel more despairing than I did when he was a tiny baby. Now I feel like it’s never, ever going to get better, and I feel like a terrible person for the feelings that go along with this primary feeling.

I’ve not been able to get help from any UK service, I’m paying for private counseling online. I am sure it will help, but what would really help would be if my child slept properly.

@LazJaz
It took a very long time for me too on my 2nd, years.
I still feel guilty but it was a combination of things, he was a difficult baby/child, I was in a black hole.
Keep thinking this time next year.
Every year gets easier once they get a little bit more independent.

@LazJaz Mine didn't sleep until he was 4 after his diagnosis of asd and prescription for melatonin.
I'm sorry I didn't seek help earlier, once he started preschool at 2,10months the workers saw all the issues.
I know DC aged 2 on a small dose.

See your GP. Motherhood is tough but you seem to be really struggling. If you are suffering PND help is available x please talk to your doctor

Claire Toureille was the ‘journalist’, ostensibly a ‘femail’ reporter, focusing on women’s issues. I hope she feels absolute shame at using this poster’s cry for help, to get clicks.

DS also was a problem sleeper. And he has ASD, it might be something worth pursuing.

DS was a great baby, incredibly challenging toddler and pre-schooler, soooo much easier to parent at primary school age, diagnosed with autism at 10 and is now a brilliant, quirky, intelligent teenager who's great company but still doesn't sleep well!

Once they're past those early years, it gets to a point where they can read in their room or whatever and them not sleeping doesn't mean you're up half the night.

I've heard melatonin works wonders but we've not tried it yet.

Op, That’s great news!
Well done.

Ah OP I feel for you.

It does gradually get better. At some point soon you really will be able to go to sleep again and only wake up when it’s morning. It creeps up on you, but it does happen.

They are hard work. My DD was hard work until she was about three. (It depends on the kid - some are delightful toddlers, my niece was!) Then your life gradually comes back and things get better again and you find a new normal when you can go out and do things a bit more again and get a sense of yourself back.

It does get better - I promise.