Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

576 replies

Usergenerated186 · 28/06/2021 04:17

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 06/08/2021 08:41

@Usergenerated186

Hope that mirror journo feels ashamed. A person clearly vulnerable and at such a low point shouldn’t be fodder for speculation in a newspaper.
To the Daily Mirror journalist - what sort of a scumbag do you need to be to turn a desperate post for help into a story in your shitrag?
OaxacaChihuahua · 06/08/2021 08:48

@teepsp

No other mammal does this, put their baby in a "cage" and basically break their spirit by forcing them to cry until they give up. They do however gently bat their babies away when they are sick of breast feeding. All other mammals sleep with their young, at least until the next one comes along.
Mammals don’t have to get up after a night of broken sleep and go to work for 9 hours either though, do they?

And no mammal’s offspring takes at least 18 years to raise.

And even mammals who keep their babies close for a couple of years have babies who are significantly more independent than human babies from birth.

So what’s your point?

OaxacaChihuahua · 06/08/2021 08:51

@pelosi

If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

So why have two babies, OP?!

She doesn’t? Her posts only refer to one child of 7 months.
teepsp · 06/08/2021 22:47

@OaxacaChihuahua - I think you just made my point. Also you'd be surprised how much better you sleep when co-sleeping.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/08/2021 22:59

Good posts @teepsp

So much of it culture in the West is about ignoring our instincts towards our young and people forget that babies haven’t changed what they need or what they do in millennia.

It says a lot about what’s gone wrong that things like cosleeping, sling wearing and natural term weaning are seen as out there or controversial rather than the most pragmatic way to nurture your child and their development.

teepsp · 07/08/2021 00:20

@Recessed

By all means, use a cot if you want to, but can you explain to the happy ignorant maniacs out here what its purpose is?

I don't think you're a maniac and I appreciate cosleeping works really well for some people but it would have been a disaster for me. Besides the very very early days of establishing breastfeeding (literally the first week or so) I didn't cosleep with either of my DC. For me the purpose of the cot was safety and sanity. I'm a very light sleeper and I was too worried about the baby getting rolled on/falling/blankets rising up that I couldn't sleep a wink. Every move or twitch they made and I was wide awake. I found it torturous - still do when they occasionally come into my bed in the night 5 years later! Plus it meant no transitions later on as they've always been used to their own beds and love the comfort of them, never any bedtime dramas etc. Worked beautifully, gave me peace of mind and allowed everyone to get decent sleep.

I actually do think people should do what works best for them. When my second one was born I was so tired I didn't have him in the bed with us but in his basinet next to the bed until he was bigger and the risk had passed. With my first, I slept so lightly there was no chance of anything going wrong. I loved co-sleeping and with my first, his early years were literally idyllic and among the happiest years of my life. My second has ASD so it was not fun, very tiring and stressful, but I do wonder if so called attachment parenting him has been better for him in the long run. He is very emotionally present. The other important caveat is that I went back to work when my first one was aged 1 but it was a disaster, I hated it, not because of him but because of the job, so I part time worked from home after that, which made life easier and enabled me to attachment parent in a very easy just roll with it kind of way.
teepsp · 07/08/2021 00:34

@AnneLovesGilbert

Good posts *@teepsp*

So much of it culture in the West is about ignoring our instincts towards our young and people forget that babies haven’t changed what they need or what they do in millennia.

It says a lot about what’s gone wrong that things like cosleeping, sling wearing and natural term weaning are seen as out there or controversial rather than the most pragmatic way to nurture your child and their development.

Thank you. Yes I agree. It shouldn't be controversial. In my family the whole gamut of parenting styles was in evidence and you just learned to do your thing and ignore the comments and even bullying and also let other people do it their way and in the end all the kids turned out fine. For myself, personally, I was a kid that would have benefitted greatly from attachment parenting because I had a lot of anxiety and night fears as a child and tried to fix that gap as a teenager by falling in love instantly with guys who just used me. I had an otherwise great childhood and my mother was a lovely stable constant presence although not physically affectionate. I didn't notice that as a child but I chose to do things very differently with mine. (And sorry, normally I wouldn't use inflammatory language like "cage" but I'm having a bad week :) )
User95659565 · 21/09/2021 18:27

I just wanted to say that I found this thread a few months ago, felt exactly the same and felt dread reading it. I was in such an awful place, regretted everything, just felt like I wanted to die and had no happiness from anything, it was really awful I cant explain how bad it was. Couldn't believe what I'd done. I read the comments on here, didn't believe them and thought ill never get better. Anyway, I got help and started taking anti depressants, they have saved me!! Life is good now, I feel normal again. Still have some bad thoughts occasionally but they don't overwhelm my mind, I feel very much back to being me now and get a lot of happiness and excitement from simple things. I think back to how bad it was and cant believe I'm writing this, I thought I'd feel like that forever. I know it might not help everyone but if anyone is in that bad place and is offered the AD'S please take them! I'm still awaiting counselling so it can only get better.

Max135 · 08/12/2021 05:52

Unfortunately I'm here to say that no, it doesn't "always get better/easier etc", not everyone is cut out for parenthood, and 5 years into it (and to my despair) that includes me. I wish people had been open and honest with me before all this, I feel conned out of my previously wonderful life.

Marvellousmadness · 08/12/2021 05:57

You are only 7 months in op.
Life is the worst for a year!! (Can be. Doesn't have to be obvs) and even longer.

Eventually things settle.
Sleep training your baby will help with your mh as when you are deprived of sleep: life is hell

TillyTopper · 08/12/2021 06:41

Try not to worry OP. Honestly I felt like this when I had twins, I struggled with them for a long time and didn't feel truly happy for ages. But it does it better - they are both at Uni now! My tipcs - set yourself small targets - like just get through a day. Sleep whenever you can. If you can afford help get a cleaner.

Worldwide2 · 08/12/2021 06:58

@Usergenerated186 Hey op how are you doing a few months in? Has it got better? Did you manage to get a different type of medication?
As for that wanker of journalist Angry where the hell are your morals. This is a place for support and advice. I personally think there should be some sort of legal ban on this type of thing.

canary1 · 08/12/2021 07:10

Can you get help with nights, or partner do weekend nights so you can get full night sleep on occasion

Get occasional but regular break in the week for a few hours- family? Childminder?

Ask for different antidepressant

It will get much much better. You are at the most difficult time.

Xxxxx

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2021 07:13

This thread is a few months old but I hope you're doing a bit better OP. I felt the same as you, but my DS is 8 now and life is SO much better. Older children, for me, are MUCH easier and more fun than babies and toddlers. Hang on in there.

Crystalvas · 08/12/2021 07:33

It does get easier OP it sounds to me like you really need to speak to your mental health nurse again, If sertraline dosn’t suit you they can put you on another tablet. Do not keep going round with these feelings it’ll only get worse without help. Its great your OH is so helpful.

Alonelonelyloner · 08/12/2021 07:44

Isn't this a ZOMBIE THREAD>??

hivemindneeded · 08/12/2021 07:50

OP I promise you with all my heart that this will change. Because they don't stay babies.

But tbh I did find it easier once I accepted I would never get my old life back, and instead I embraced my new life. I don't mean you will never get back your hobbies, your physical health - these are important and you deserve to have some time for them, starting now. I just mean: he is always in your life now. Find ways to make that the best new phase of your life not an obstacle to turning back to the old life.

Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2021 07:51

I felt the same when I first had dc1, then I had dc2, things didn’t get any worse or any better. The first year was the hardest with both. As they got older I did get parts of my life back, they are now teens, I’m now divorced and I have lots of new hobbies, new friends and life is great. Those years of feeling trapped and having no social life feel far away and the kids being little feels like such a small part of my life (I miss a few bits but not many). So what may feel like the end of everything right now will seem like a very short time in the future. Things do get much better.

sHREDDIES19 · 08/12/2021 07:56

This will sound cheesy and sorry in advance but to varying levels, those of us that have had kids can relate. My first born was such a shock to my system, he wouldn’t sleep, had stomach issues, I was a sleep deprived wreck who thought my life was over. Wow I look back at that point in my life and it was a terrible stretch. It’s not just the sleep deprivation (which in itself is a form of torture) it’s the total flip of your life and it feels like it’s basically over compared to what you once had. But there is a point where you will turn a corner (for me it was around 7 months but it will be different for everyone) and it will just be that bit easier, you’ll get more sleep and things won’t be so hard. Now mine are older that dark point seems like a bad dream. They are so much easier, a delight most of the time. Life will always bring us hard times but try and remember those good times will most certainly come around. Good luck on your journey.

Lalliella · 08/12/2021 07:57

@Alonelonelyloner

Isn't this a ZOMBIE THREAD>??
Does that matter? OP may still be struggling and appreciate the support, or things may be improving for her and she might want to come back and report. I hope it’s the latter OP.

Plus there’s plenty of useful advice here that might help someone else who didn’t see this the first time around.

LannieDuck · 08/12/2021 08:04

Definitely have your DH take some parental leave and go back to work earlier than planned. Gives him a great chance to be primary carer for a few months and understand the pressures of that.

I was bordering on PND with my second and it vanished when I went back to work. I needed to not be at the beck-and-call of babies every 2 mins, and be able to pee in peace, and do something with my brain, and speak to other adults and just... feel like myself again.

Just10moreminutesplease · 08/12/2021 08:05

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP Flowers.

Please consider speaking to your GP. They are there to help and there are other treatments available.

Breastfeeding isn’t the be all and end all, how you feed your baby is only one of a million decisions you’ll make. Remember, you’ll do plenty of other things that will impact their health and happiness throughout the years.

Your health and wellbeing is so important too.

It’s also not an all or nothing thing, you could choose to combi-feed if that would work for you.

ThreeLocusts · 08/12/2021 08:08

Hi OP, just to say that there are alternatives to sertraline if that doesn't work for you. It's very personal which one does.

The first antidepressant I tried made me explosively angry, which wasn't even listed as a possible side effect. I only found out through a drug review website that this reaction can happen. The second one worked fine. All the best.

getsomehelp · 08/12/2021 08:11

OP, please consider cranial osteopathy for your baby.
I would, & did, (night drives in the car, white noise, recordings of in utero Glug glug sounds, sleep training, organic orange leaf tisanes, too hot, too cold, changing diet, the list is endless) try everything for my sleep- refusing miserable baby.
She had a traumatic birth, & I was later told by my Saviour Osteo that babies who have sleep problems often are affected by traumatic births, where their 4 Fontanelles are basically misaligned & to put it simply the baby is uncomfortable/in pain
My Daughter was 4 when I heard of CO. At this point I would have eaten my own liver to have one unbroken night's sleep.
ideally she should have been seen at a much sooner date, but as I had no idea such a thing existed , she was nearly 4.
It doesn't hurt them, it certainly won't do any harm, & so even if you think this is unlikely to help, you have nothing to lose (other than some money, & I think if you can afford it you should get private practitioner asap.)
I swear from day 1 my daughter slept better & after a few seances she slept through the night.
It was life changing to be able to sleep, & no longer having the unhappiness & angst of hearing a baby cry constantly.

At one point I said, we are in happy relationship, No health problems, solvent, live in a beautiful place, have supportive family. Just imagine if you have money/relationships/housing problems on top of this.
He said, "I can understand why people, metaphorically, throw their babies out of the window"

Other than that, not having read the whole thread. I would stop breast feeding now, you have done it for 7 months & that is absolutely fine, you will be able to hand the baby to someone & walk away ! You can go back to work if it feels the best option.
Get well soon, a happy mother, makes a happy child, you have been through hell, & obviously your relationship is put under strain from the whole situation.
As for the Press, Well if my post helps any other mother at breaking point, take it away, Suckers.

Alonelonelyloner · 08/12/2021 08:14

That is a good point @Lallanala

Swipe left for the next trending thread