If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

@Dalj50 what a nasty.

Very, very mean and I would suggest you keeping your mouth and legs shut - I feel sorry for your children being bought up with someone that's lacks so much empathy and compassion

@dandy

Completely agree.

This is where good friends come into play.

I can't be alone in having great friends that speak frankly about how they feel during child rearing.

Sleep is crucial for MH and I certainly know this from at one point husband and I being on our knees and our kids weren't that bad.

But the whole process of rearing and being responsible for other humans is a huge responsibility and christ does it feel like it at times.

Husband and me never gave it much thought really, despite being married for years before we had a conversation whether or not to even try.

We both love them all so much but would we start it all over again if we had a choice?, reflecting on what life was like before we had them.....I'll have to get back to you on that one...🤔

@lilybo7

This is me. And still is. Saw the original post on a news feed, spookily this is how i have been feeling since birth of my daughter. Im sure googles snooping on me lol. Can daddies post on mumsnet? Can this be a dadsmumsnet? Hope so because looking through posts on here and i feel a lot relates to me. Yeah i am a guy, but the emotions are still the same. That post about grieving is spot on and makes sense to me now, that maybe I am grieving for my old life. Like the OP, i too feel that i wished i was either 10 yrs younger or this situ didnt happen. My mum, who had 4 kids, said to me before my girl was born that "having a child is like being hit by a freight train" and she was sooo not wrong. My girl was born when i was 40. Older parents they call us, technically Geriatric Parents according to the nhs. Thanks!!!! But yeah, world blown apart, you have this great running 9-5 job, commuting, lunching and pubbing with mates and loving the console games.... then its gone. As soon as the girl was born, in that moment that life i had suddenly died. Was hard the birth, my partner had to go under because the girl had to plant herself right over the exit door.... in a queue of one! So it was a c-section all the way, her birth day planned by the nhs although born on 20th dec, her actual due date was 31st, imagine new years eve baby. Nope, lost that chance. The girl was born and because partner was out of it, i got the skin to skin.... that i would not trade anything for in the world!! It was awesome. The girl was blue, he hadnt took her first breath for 2.5 mins, she was cold blue and messy, and there she is nestled in my chest hair, listening to the drum of my heart beat and getting warm under the 5 billion blankets the midwife chucked over me. I have never sweated so much in winter time i tell ya. But after that day, i went down hill. Lack of sleep is a killer, that distorted my head, i still even now 2.5 yrs along feel permamently jet lagged, one day is one continuous day with odd bits of sleep here n there. I got rid of my wrist watch because time just didnt seem to exist, life is just happening to me and i miss my old life. Being, to me, luckily made redundant thanks to covid, ive spent the last year being full time stay at home daddie. Its been great watching the girl grow daily, yes her sleep is all over the place since sacking off midday naps and is busting 14hr days, but im drained. I feel like i have ptsd, the rocky start with the birth and the fact the midwives didnt seem to acknowledge me (that did annoy me and a complaint was made to the hospital), my partner was the patient i get it, but hey im kinda like the dad too and u think this is a walk in the park? It took 4 days of being there before one asked me.if i was okay! No, im falling apart!! But since, tiredness is my killer and the fact i still feel like im.in flight mode. Twice i have come close to calling it quits, my reasoning is the girl doesnt deserve to have a dad thats a mess. My dad died a year before she was born, that destroys me every day, he died thinking i woukd never have a child, i miss him, i need his advice. The last fight or flight situ was at work, one night was so tired i lost it and had a breakdown at work, wanted to run before the girl got to know me, best i left now before she got attached, but that day i spent alone and got thru it, manned up and took the girl home from work as norm and had a chat with her on bus, ooen frank, i know she was like 5 months old at that point and had no idea of what i was saying, but i promised her i would work with her and we would be a team. As much as we habe a great bond, i still miss my.old.life and the feeling of flight mode is returning. I know i.must be depressed and i dont know what to do... then i see this post and others and realise i am.not on my own., and i am.so glad i have found this. Thank you for reading, sorry its been such a blog... be

OP as many have said you are not alone here. With my LG I had the wonderful mummy bubble and even when tired it was lovely just to have her (we had tried for 3 years to get pregnant so I felt so lucky) we then fell pregnant unexpectedly with my son who is now 1 year old. The entire year has been very difficult. Mentally/physically he takes so much more time and needs so much more than my daughter ever did. With covid I haven't had any break from them. My husband has worked all the way through lockdowns etc often working overtime. I have felt many days that I wish it was just my husband and I. And then I feel guilty for that. I love both of my children but it's so much harder than you ever expect. Not a floaty dream at all.

Once they get to the stage where they are less of a 'blob' and more of a little person it becomes much better easier I promise.

And you could have PND but also it can just be one of the many side effects of being a parent. Exhaustion. Missing your old life and the freedom. The financial impact aswell. It all takes its toll.

Speaking as a mum of a 26yo and a 17yo... one of whom was a piece of cake, the other autistic so there has never been much rest ...

Firstly, the idea that having childen will require no change in your lifestyle is one of the biggest myths - that all new mums have to come to terms with, hopefully sooner rather than later. Never beat yourself up because you are not aceing life the way you used to according to a fictional set of achievement based societal ideas. It really is hard to beat the achievement of just raising a happy, healthy child.

Secondly, when you get out the other side of the difficult times - eventually - which - sorry to say, happens to a greater or lesser extent depending on your own beautiful child, who is a unique being, all are equally wonderful, not all equally easy though - at so many points along the way the rewards will more than likely outstrip any temporary suffering and sense of loss. You will have - if you treat them right - someone who loves you for life. You will never be truely alone no matter what life throws at you. You will get to experience love like no other, unconditional love, joy and all the other stuff - frustration, sleep deprivation, despair and all the rest of it. But the one thing you will probably not ever regret on your death bed, or in later life, is that you had that child. The rewards far outweigh the struggles. There is no greater love and overcoming the trials is part of path to Love.

No other mammal does this, put their baby in a "cage" and basically break their spirit by forcing them to cry until they give up. They do however gently bat their babies away when they are sick of breast feeding. All other mammals sleep with their young, at least until the next one comes along.

If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

So why have two babies, OP?!

It was shit shit shit at that stage. You have my full sympathy. It DOES get better. I hated having a baby enough that I resisted all pressures to have a second. My baby is 10 years old now. I love her and she enriches my life. It’s been this way for many years now. It gets easier everyday and I fully feel like I have the new me back.

Get some support from your gp and don’t lose hope, it does improve!

The problem is, by the time you realise that kids ruin your life, it’s too late because you already have them!

@teepsp

No other mammal does this, put their baby in a "cage" and basically break their spirit by forcing them to cry until they give up. They do however gently bat their babies away when they are sick of breast feeding. All other mammals sleep with their young, at least until the next one comes along.

I find arguments like this incredibly disingenuous and unhelpful. First, we're not animals, we're humans. We shit in toilets and wear uncomfortable shoes and drive cars and do all sorts of other things that no animals will ever do. And second, the behaviour between some animals and their young is anything but 'gentle'.

We don't behave like animals because we're not animals.

Babies are horrible creatures, like almost entirely unpleasant.

They occasionally do nice things, smile, laugh etc but on the whole they don't really give back.

It can be so easy to look at them and whilst you would die for them, just think I really don't like you or I find you annoying.

Someone once likened Motherhood to putting everything you love into a box and setting it on fire. You've gone through the BIGGEST change in your life and it's completely understandable that you're not enjoying it/you regret it/question it. Honestly, I would say you would be the odd one out if you didn't.

But it does get easier. Some love the baby days, others hate them and love toddlerhood, others just bide their time until the reach school age. He will reach an age where you start to find this easier.

7 months is a tiny baby, you're not sleeping, he's probably starting to teethe, move around etc. You still don't know him yet, not really, but you will do.

What you need to remember is how much he loves you and however badly you think you're doing/however much you're beating yourself up, you're doing a brilliant job.

Do you have anyone IRL to talk to about your feelings? Parents? Partner? Siblings? If not could you request therapy? Not because there's anything wrong with you but because it's healthy to get your feelings out.

@teepsp

No other mammal does this, put their baby in a "cage" and basically break their spirit by forcing them to cry until they give up. They do however gently bat their babies away when they are sick of breast feeding. All other mammals sleep with their young, at least until the next one comes along.

We also don't eat our young when they fail to thrive. Sensible suggestions only. It's not a cage, it's a cot.

Unless you want to go and live in the woods with your newborn?

@countrypunk I'm not sure you understand the meaning of disingenuous. Or that much about nature. We are part of nature, we are mammals, and we do have natural instincts and it doesn't harm us to listen to those instincts. And it wouldn't hurt us to pay a bit more attention to that part of who we are. That doesn't mean we should judge others for not being there, but we shouldn't pronounce against it either.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome That's a ridiculous comparison. How about we keep the discussion relevant.

Aww, I Feel your pain, very similar experience here, DS is now 10 months. I have a childless sibling and they'd sacrifice anything to have the child I have which only adds to the guilt of not enjoying motherhood. The best thing I did was doing some volunteer work while still on mat leave - yes I was getting terrible nights, and run off my feet with baby tasks, but it gave me a purpose again. It was sad for me to admit I'm not a natural born mother, but my mental health improved so much once I was doing meaningful work again, if it's an option for you to go back to work as you say that sounds brilliant. Then when you get home you enjoy that time with your child so much more than when you're enslaved to them all day. Hope you feel better soon x

@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome
Babies are horrible creatures, like almost entirely unpleasant. It can be so easy to look at them and whilst you would die for them, just think I really don't like you or I find you annoying.

That's true for some people, but many parents love the little baby stage and for whatever reason/personal circumstances cope with the challenges just fine. It's different for everyone. If there is a message that should be it.

So is you comparing us to mammals and comparing a perfectly safe sleeping arrangement to putting a baby in a cage and breaking their spirit.

Whilst a ridiculous notion it's also a clear example that even though we are all mammals humans have an entirely different approaches to child rearing.

Mammals who sleep with their babies do it for survivalism, keeping a baby close is protecting it in the wild, it has nothing to do with a baby's emotional wellbeing.

@teepsp you’re a maniac. Calling a cot to a fucking cage?! Jesus Christ. 😂

I felt the same, birth injuries, PNDand wrote about it here
( link.medium.com/L27r6SFEtib )

I think we're so used to these feelings being pathologized in recent years that people miss the obvious - OF COURSE many women struggle with early motherhood. It's a massive, massive upheaval and often such a disappointment as it's built up to be this wonderful thing, a love like no other, the happiest time of your life blah fucking blah and then your stuck at home leaking from your orifices, sore, being screamed at, not allowed to have any sleep, being shit on and puked on. Why anyone wouldn't struggle is the real question. The proliferation of PND diagnosis has been helpful to put focus on the difficulties mothers face and for those severely struggling where medication can do wonders but on the most part women need more practical support not prescriptions, and to be told actually most humans would suffer in these circumstances there's NOTHING wrong with you for feeling this way, there's everything wrong with society for leaving you to cope with it on your own.

@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome

So is you comparing us to mammals and comparing a perfectly safe sleeping arrangement to putting a baby in a cage and breaking their spirit.

Whilst a ridiculous notion it's also a clear example that even though we are all mammals humans have an entirely different approaches to child rearing.

Mammals who sleep with their babies do it for survivalism, keeping a baby close is protecting it in the wild, it has nothing to do with a baby's emotional wellbeing.

I wasn't comparing us to mammals. We are mammals. A lot of parents skip the cot stage and they and their children do perfectly well in life. True you can't put your kids somewhere and leave them to cry when they want you - until they give up - and that can be tiring although I can't think of anything more exhausting than ignoring a baby crying, but usually by the cot stage they are big enough to sleep with you and everyone gets to enjoy that experience. It's actual normal practice in a number of cultures, such as Japan, and Sweden, and cots are really only used in the West. In fact the cot only became a staple of child rearing in the Victorian era. Until then co-sleeping was the norm. So believe it or not, so many "maniacs" throughout the world just don't use the cot and everyone gets a good sleep. By all means, use a cot if you want to, but can you explain to the happy ignorant maniacs out here what its purpose is?

[quote Drivingmeupthewall]@teepsp you’re a maniac. Calling a cot to a fucking cage?! Jesus Christ. 😂[/quote]
A relevant example of a well known historical figure whose mother did not use a cot.

I understand how you feel. Babies are really hard work and I wouldn’t go back to that time. I never understand people who say they just love the baby stage and not so much when they get older.
Is your baby sleeping? I found when I got my babies into a sleep routine and actually got some decent sleep myself, life was easier. I used the contented little baby book but my oldest has just graduated so a long time ago!
They are worth it although it’s really, really tough going. It will get better.

By all means, use a cot if you want to, but can you explain to the happy ignorant maniacs out here what its purpose is?

I don't think you're a maniac and I appreciate cosleeping works really well for some people but it would have been a disaster for me. Besides the very very early days of establishing breastfeeding (literally the first week or so) I didn't cosleep with either of my DC. For me the purpose of the cot was safety and sanity. I'm a very light sleeper and I was too worried about the baby getting rolled on/falling/blankets rising up that I couldn't sleep a wink. Every move or twitch they made and I was wide awake. I found it torturous - still do when they occasionally come into my bed in the night 5 years later! Plus it meant no transitions later on as they've always been used to their own beds and love the comfort of them, never any bedtime dramas etc. Worked beautifully, gave me peace of mind and allowed everyone to get decent sleep.