To tell SILs and MIL to sod off?

[isshelpv]

I have two otherwise very nice SILs and MIL. Although they're very set in their ways!

DD was born 5 days ago. After the loss of DD1, then DD2, then DS2. All neonatal deaths. I have a lovely DS as well as DD so we are now done.

Both SILs and MIL are really not best pleased with what I'm doing. They are fine otherwise and very supportive but they are making comments and I don't know how to answer

DD is co-sleeping with me, in DS's (double) bed. DH is in our room. They say this set up is all wrong! DS is going to get too use to me and DD being there, this is a very very bad idea. I said it's working lovely for now, DS is autistic and he has taken very well to all this, I think us sleeping together plus a huge part. SIL said NO, not my kids. Could never be me! Other SIL just nodded her head. MIL says 'well, you'll regret it'.

They also know how much I've spent on my pram and MIL thinks 'I've got more money than sense, but little of both'

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding, all of them think it's absolutely not okay beyond 12 months. DS was breastfed until age 3... and still is secretly every now and then! If he's sad etc and it's bed time

There are other little comments too. I feel so sad. I try not to put myself in a position where the answer to a question can be picked apart, but it's hard going.

How do you handle these questions and negativity? It sounds ridiculous but it's raining on my newborn experience

They actually sound nasty.

It's hard because we have quite an informal, chatty relationship. But MIL is as blunt as an ancient pencil and SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is'

Honestly just ignore them its nothing to do with them!

Congratulations on your new baby and i am sorry for your losses

Sorry about your losses. That is a lot to go through.

I think your MIL and SIL have been along for that upsetting draining ride with you and probably feel powerless right now. You're not doing what they'd do and they have probably read that co-sleeping is dangerous and are feeling terrified.

I think after a family (extended) has been through such a series of awful bereavements, it's going to be a ''newborn experience'' for them too and they would like to be able to relax. I know the newborn is your newborn but they are TERRIFIED that you are choosing to do something that they see as a higher risk than something that is recognised to be safer.

The reason they feel terrified and powerless right now is because they have felt the pain and because they want this to be the end of the pain and the start of the joy.

But they can't relax yet because s they understand it, you're taking an unnecessary risk even after everything you've been through.

xx

Congratulations on your lovely baby after so many terrible losses. I would be telling them that if they want to continue seeing you and your children, they can keep their ignorant comments to themselves. Leave/Kick them out/block numbers if they persist.

They sound beastly and I would be trying to limit interaction with them to the bare minimum. What does DH think?!

I’m so sorry for your losses. What an awful time you’ve had

Well I'm definitely not taking unnecessary risks. However, I understand they must be anxious, if that's how they're feeling.

But I'm not? Not really. This baby was almost born at term! I've lost 3 DC to extreme prematurity. It feels all very positive and different. This baby is different

I think they have issues to address if they're more anxious than me and H

I think sod off is pretty good. If youre feeling kind you could say not wrong, just different and it works for us. If you continue to criticise then we wont be able to see you.

Or these comments are unkind and unwanted. Stop or I will ask you to leave.

Where is dh in all of this?

They sound tedious, how you parent your children is your own business! Stop telling them anything at all! Some people are just so bloody rude.
Congratulations on your dd

H hadn't heard them say anything but he knows what they're like. We had similar with DS but I hardly knew them then!

He says he will have words if it continues

I get it. My mother reacts badly when she isn't in control. But in a situation like this it's not just about their desire to control you. I think they are just terrified and waiting to exhale.

Avoid conversations about who is sleeping where.

Is your 3 yo sleeping in the same bed as you and your newborn? I think I'd worry about that tbh but the rest is fine.

@starbrightstarlight8888

Is your 3 yo sleeping in the same bed as you and your newborn? I think I'd worry about that tbh but the rest is fine.

Yes he is. It's his bed. I often slept with him before DD arrived. DD is on my side and DS is behind me

He seems very content this way, and right now that's what's important - he has special needs and if this makes him feel secure and accepted, that's what I want

My goodness. You have a tiny, squishy, beautiful newborn after three tragedies, and their priorities are to carp about your pram and sleeping arrangements?

They’re a bit odd. Best case, they want everything to be perfect for you after so much loss. More likely, they just don’t know when to keep their beaks out.

I’m guessing you’re up to date with every guideline on safe co-sleeping, so that’s not their real issue?

Many congratulations on DD3!

Congratulations on your new baby.

I’d honestly tell them to wind their necks in. And refuse to see them till you’re happy and comfortable to.

Tell them to kind their own business about the breastfeeding also. And the co-sleeping is safe so long as you follow guidelines and is none of their business.

I’d not be seeing them till I’m happy to and baby is older and hormones have settled and you’ve recovered from the birth.

If they start banging on about the cost of your pram, tell your MIL she’s absolutely right it’s your money to spend as you wish.

They sound pretty nasty after everything you’ve been through. And no they’ve not been through everything you went through.

DH needs to have a words with them now to nip it in the bud to prevent your relationship with them souring.

You need some stock phrases. Or just go with one phrase ‘We do what’s best for our family’.

So sorry to hear about your losses op, that sounds very tough.
I slept with all my 3 newborns but I wouldn't have another child in with us, that would be a definite no no. It sounds absolutely lovely but I just think when we sleep especially after having a baby we are so tired I wouldn't at all be comfortable with another dc in the bed as you can't be sure what they'd do if you were asleep like try to puck up the baby or put more blankets over them etc. Also I would only ever cosleep when breastfeeding not if formula feeding.
Congrats on your new baby

YANBU

I couldn’t deal with such people. I come from an “opinionated family” and I keep a distance. Don’t want that kind of drama and negativity in my life and other family members like me do the same.

Don’t see them and don’t let them come over if you can. Puts space between you and them. They either pack it in or keep a distance.

@Ahnowcomon

So sorry to hear about your losses op, that sounds very tough. I slept with all my 3 newborns but I wouldn't have another child in with us, that would be a definite no no. It sounds absolutely lovely but I just think when we sleep especially after having a baby we are so tired I wouldn't at all be comfortable with another dc in the bed as you can't be sure what they'd do if you were asleep like try to puck up the baby or put more blankets over them etc. Also I would only ever cosleep when breastfeeding not if formula feeding. Congrats on your new baby

DD is breastfed, as is DS

DS doesn't move once he's asleep, hasn't since a baby. Very deep sleeper. DD only comes up to bed with me so not left alone

SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is' That's code for bitch. Avoid.

They sound worried and anxious and it's coming across as rudeness. Co sleeping safely is fine. People do it all over the world. There are guidelines etc like not having a heavy duvet and breastfeeding not formula as it all helps with your awareness of where the baby is as you sleep.

I tandem fed my newborn and 18 month old and coslept with the newborn. When my DH was away (military) we all coslept together. Most natural thing to do in the world, snuggle with your babies. Maybe send the ILs a link to safe cosleeping information? And after that, don't engage in discussion with them about it, at all.

Congratulations on your baby girl. ❤

Hope this doesn't sound rude but you are making a rod for your own back (in regards to sleeping arrangements)but you will have to deal with that in the future. My friends almost 6 year still sleeps with her, has never slept in her own bed & its her biggest regret.

If they are able to be so blunt I would reply in kind. I would clearly tell them it’s not their business, to not be rude and shut the door on them. If that’s not your style I would I get your dh to have a word. If that’s not an option I would be very very unavailable.

The rod for your own back stuff is only true is you aren’t happy. I did what you did - loved it. Mine moved out at different ages between 3-6 - loved it all:)

they are ridiculous and unkind.
You are doing a great job. Get some discreet earplugs ! Ignore their batshittery.