To tell SILs and MIL to sod off?

[isshelpv]

I have two otherwise very nice SILs and MIL. Although they're very set in their ways!

DD was born 5 days ago. After the loss of DD1, then DD2, then DS2. All neonatal deaths. I have a lovely DS as well as DD so we are now done.

Both SILs and MIL are really not best pleased with what I'm doing. They are fine otherwise and very supportive but they are making comments and I don't know how to answer

DD is co-sleeping with me, in DS's (double) bed. DH is in our room. They say this set up is all wrong! DS is going to get too use to me and DD being there, this is a very very bad idea. I said it's working lovely for now, DS is autistic and he has taken very well to all this, I think us sleeping together plus a huge part. SIL said NO, not my kids. Could never be me! Other SIL just nodded her head. MIL says 'well, you'll regret it'.

They also know how much I've spent on my pram and MIL thinks 'I've got more money than sense, but little of both'

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding, all of them think it's absolutely not okay beyond 12 months. DS was breastfed until age 3... and still is secretly every now and then! If he's sad etc and it's bed time

There are other little comments too. I feel so sad. I try not to put myself in a position where the answer to a question can be picked apart, but it's hard going.

How do you handle these questions and negativity? It sounds ridiculous but it's raining on my newborn experience

@Horehound

Haha *@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal* lol that's so funny! What did she say to that?!

Pursed lips and more tutting, usually!

And eventually she did stop asking!

"Previously, DS slept with us until age 3 (he didn't ask to be put in his own bed, he just went in because we decided to when we moved house). He took to it perfectly from night 1"

So you soon made the choice to independently sleep but you chose to go back to collecting with him? I'm all for cosleeping but when the child decides to exert independence and sleep in their own bed you are meant to respect that and not follow into their bed with their newborn sister.

Also Is your ds 3 or older? You say he breast fed until he was 3 but talk as if he is still 3?

Op I loathe all this negativity around a new mum and baby, it's like a suffocating blanket when all you want is support.

I'd tell them all you're isolating with cornora symptoms and then don't answer the phone.
Why people feel it's OK to do this when a baby is born, it's horrific no wonder so many poor new mums feel depressed it's a kick the down dog field day!!

@2ndtimemum2

"Previously, DS slept with us until age 3 (he didn't ask to be put in his own bed, he just went in because we decided to when we moved house). He took to it perfectly from night 1"

So you soon made the choice to independently sleep but you chose to go back to collecting with him? I'm all for cosleeping but when the child decides to exert independence and sleep in their own bed you are meant to respect that and not follow into their bed with their newborn sister.

Also Is your ds 3 or older? You say he breast fed until he was 3 but talk as if he is still 3?

No, I occasionally slept with him because he fell asleep with me in his bed. He is very keen if I have the odd night in there, and is very very happy looking that I'm in there with his sister.

He can't speak. He can't communicate very well. But I know by body language and the way he's acting. He is currently very happy. If he shows ANY signs of being unhappy with us in there, I will move straight away and myself and DD will sleep with DH

But right now my autistic, non verbal son, has a new baby in the house and currently feels included and accepted. So I won't change it unless he wants to. We can always reassess whenever

I don't see it as a big deal

He's almost 4, to answer your question

How come they actually know so much about what you are doing?
My MiL and SiL had absolutely no idea about our sleeping arrangements and never even asked. How come they know the price of your pram? Are you over sharing? I wouldn’t tell them anything.

I think you’re doing a fabulous job to have all of this sussed after only 5 days with your newborn. I would ask dh to speak to them if it’s bothering you. You’ve been through enough without their nonsense.

@isshelpv

It's hard because we have quite an informal, chatty relationship. But MIL is as blunt as an ancient pencil and SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is'

Anyone who ‘tells it like it is’ is an arsehole and using that sentence to behave like one. Your in laws are dreadful. Tell them to pipe down.

I think you are somehow telling them a lot of information that they dont need to know. They would only know how much the pram cost or your sleeping arrangements if you told them. I cant imagine anyone caring about my life in that level of detail!

Or her husband could be since it is his family making comments or they blatantly asked her. These are the types who supposedly like to “tell it like it is”, be judgemental and give their opinion when no one asked so not exactly out of the realm of possibility that they wouldn’t ask questions.

I believe the safe cosleeping guidelines state that another child should not sleep directly next to the baby if in the same bed; thus OP's set up is fine because she is in between the baby and the older child.

OP, if baby is only five days old how on earth have your MIL and SILs managed to make so many comments without your DH hearing, how much time are you spending with them!? DH needs to have words with them now (because they are already affecting your first few days with your new baby), not "if it continues".

You sound very clued up OP so you're probably already on these Facebook groups or similar but just in case not I would recommend The Beyond Sleep Training Project and Breastfeeding Older Babies And Beyond for you, you will find your people

@wherethewildthingis

Congratulations on your baby and sorry for your losses. You have been through a lot. Co sleeping like this IS dangerous though. Having a 3 year old in with a newborn is very risky. And because other countries with higher rates of co sleeping have lower rates of SIDS does not indicate a causal link, there are many other factors at play. It is your choice but this seems an unnecessary risk. Maybe that is what your family are trying to express.

The countries you alluded to tend breastfeed at least past the newborn stage & breastfeeding (not including expressed) is known to reduce the risk of SIDs because babies don’t sleep as deeply as bottlefed babies, and neither do mums. Cosleeping is recommended for breastfed babies because in many cases Mums sleep so lightly they can prod the baby into breathing in their sleep. I used to do this with DS as he was a breatholder and if it wasn’t for DH telling me I would never have known.

To be honest your set up sounds like what I will have when baby number 2 is here
My 4 year old DD has a double bed which I sleep in alot as my husband works alot and I'm a sahm
My baby will also be breastfed so will Co sleep as did my first when cluster feeding etc
My husband is also a horrendous snorer so I'm happy to sleep with my daughter
I can't imagine what you have been through but spending as much time with the little ones must be so important also so screw anyone who doesn't agree with what your doing
I got alot of negative comments when I breastfed and she did it until she was 2.5 years old people really seem to have an issue with it. I really don't understand why. I remember my mil didn't like it because she couldn't feed the baby 🤦‍♀️ and praised my other sil when she decided to bottle feed (her choice I'm not bashing) so she could have more involment
Everyone parents differently and you won't always agree on things but that's life no point arguing about it a good vent on mumsnet does help tho

I coslept with my kids and it was great. What you do with your children is none of your wider family's business. Tell them that and say the subject is no longer up for discussion.

Well done, OP. I have had arguments like this before and came to the conclusion that a cracked record of "it works for us" eventually shut them up. There is no point in trying to explain to people who disapprove and don't want to learn. Your DH needs to say this too.

Of course co-sleeping is natural. Can you imagine our stone age ancestors putting their baby to sleep in the next cave? It's so sad that some people are so disconnected from their own instincts.

You sound like a wonderfully responsive mother who is particularly in tune with the needs of her older child.

You are rocking it, OP. Both kids are happy, and you're happy? End of conversation!

You're a better person than I to still be talking to your MiL and SiL. I'm a bit jealous though, that you can have both kids at night. DS1 wanted to sleep in our bed when DS2 was on the way, but went straight back to his own bed when he discovered how much Mummy snores

I think you should just not share things with them and ask your DH to do the same - my kids still from time to time want to sleep in with me, usually my 9 year old - MIL found out years ago when I mr ruined something and she was very adamant the marital bed isn't foe children - I can't be arsed with that attitude
I would personally not co-sleep with a baby - id get an open crib thingy that attaches at the same height as the bed, but that's a very personal thing and you have your own ideas
Enjoy your lovely family

I’d be very concerned about co-sleeping with a new born and toddler. If it were me, I’d get toddler to co-sleep with his father to minimise any risk.

If you’re following safe sleep guidelines, then you’re doing everything perfectly for you and your babies! It’s only safe for breast feeding mothers to bed share and they won’t understand this of they formula feed as they’ll have been told not to do it.

I LOVED feeding mine to natural weaning and you should be able to enjoy it too.

Would you feel comfortable with walking away when they start or being rude back? “If your eyes roll any further you’ll have the paramedics out” “haha thanks for that. Good job I’m confident I’ve got this right and don’t listen to you lot haha!” Or even a more firm “I’m just enjoying doing it my way, I don’t need any advice, and I’m actually finding that upsetting now.”

I have to be honestI think sharing a bed with a newborn and a SN toddler is a massive risk and one I would not take. A whole list of things could go wrong, especially if you're sleeping deeply because you're tired.

As for the breastfeeding thing just ignore them and do what's right for you.

I would think in advance of a comeback for the next time an unasked for opinion is voiced.

"You spend too much time breast feeding that baby".

• "You spend too much time pruning your roses, but that is your choice & nothing to do with anyone else".

"You spent far too much on that pram. You have more money than sense".
"It is our choice. I wouldn't spend so much on handbags/shoes/your favourite tat, but that is your choice & nothing to do with anyone else".
Etc.

Congratulations on your baby, & sorry for your losses.

I'm not a deep sleeper and just don't when breastfeeding. I can't explain it but it's just very in tune, I know if baby moves etc even just an inch

DS is a deep sleeper (sleeping other side of me so not near DD). He doesn't get up and start moving about to get comfy. He's out for the night. He's always been a deep deep sleeper

Honestly I think it'll cause unnecessary worry thinking he will somehow hurt her or there will be an accident

@Fitforforty

DH needs to have a words with them now to nip it in the bud to prevent your relationship with them souring.

You need some stock phrases. Or just go with one phrase ‘We do what’s best for our family’.

My phrase, only used once to my mother, was There are two opinions that count and your's isn't one of them. It was necessary to be very harsh with her, no-one else ever contradicted her, it also helped living 1500 miles away too!

@isshelpv you say that you sometimes still breastfeed your 4yo. Is there not a chance when he cottons on you are breastfeeding the baby in his bed, that he might wake up in the night and try and breastfeed which could cause an issue with covers over the baby etc?