To tell SILs and MIL to sod off?

[isshelpv]

I have two otherwise very nice SILs and MIL. Although they're very set in their ways!

DD was born 5 days ago. After the loss of DD1, then DD2, then DS2. All neonatal deaths. I have a lovely DS as well as DD so we are now done.

Both SILs and MIL are really not best pleased with what I'm doing. They are fine otherwise and very supportive but they are making comments and I don't know how to answer

DD is co-sleeping with me, in DS's (double) bed. DH is in our room. They say this set up is all wrong! DS is going to get too use to me and DD being there, this is a very very bad idea. I said it's working lovely for now, DS is autistic and he has taken very well to all this, I think us sleeping together plus a huge part. SIL said NO, not my kids. Could never be me! Other SIL just nodded her head. MIL says 'well, you'll regret it'.

They also know how much I've spent on my pram and MIL thinks 'I've got more money than sense, but little of both'

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding, all of them think it's absolutely not okay beyond 12 months. DS was breastfed until age 3... and still is secretly every now and then! If he's sad etc and it's bed time

There are other little comments too. I feel so sad. I try not to put myself in a position where the answer to a question can be picked apart, but it's hard going.

How do you handle these questions and negativity? It sounds ridiculous but it's raining on my newborn experience

Sorry for your losses, heartbreaking. I’m really sorry you are having in law problems when this should be a joyful time. So here’s the thing. People on this thread are going to home in on cosleeping and how dangerous it is, rather than help with your problem (the inlaws).

If SIL and mil like blunt-talking, then tell them calmly and politely and straight out how you fee, maybe like this:

“Listen, SIL/MIL just for a minute. I’ve heard your views on this several times, and you’re entitled to your opinions and I’m happy to hear different views as sometimes you can pick up useful ideas that way. But I’m doing it this way, because it is what I want to do with my family. It makes us all happy, and it works for us. I’ve taken steps to bed-share safely, so you really don’t need to worry. Id really rather not discuss this again because you aren’t going to change my mind, and it is honestly spoiling the time I spend with you. I am enjoying having a new baby, and I’d love to share this with you, but it is going to be difficult if you keep criticising my approach. You can always talk to DH about anything that bothers you when I’m not around. “

Then smile and wait a bit to see if they respond, and if not, breezily change the subject to something nice.

The way it to do it is entirely without anger, just a bit sad and weary if anything.

By the way I had HUGE fears about bed sharing but I found it a wonderful experience, so much easier for everyone to rest and it just felt right. I researched and made it as safe as I could, so I’m in a ds’s room when we are bed sharing. I don’t ever drink or smoke, I keep the bedcovers light (none at all before he was 18 months, as my body warmth was enough to warm the baby). My first baby only slept with me for 14 weeks, then went in the cot in her nursery. But ds2 still bedshares, at age 2.5 and also still has a snuggly bedtime BF too. He is a happy little guy who never cries at bedtime, and when he wakes up he grins and chats to me. It is such a beautiful precious time and I love it. MIL, who disapproves, has basically agreed we just don’t talk about this secretly shameful way of parenting my child! And that is fine. She pretends it isn’t happening and I don’t remind her.

And you know what it isn’t a rod for my back, as now my ds has taken to falling asleep on the bed and I leave when he is asleep, usually about 20 mins or so, he stays asleep without me until about 1.30am when I go back in to him. Has a cuddle then back to sleep til 6am ish. I expect one day he will just stop waking up halfway and sleep through without me. I’ve never had to listen to him cry at night, it’s been entirely gentle and lovely. He is secure and sleeps anywhere without a fuss. I don’t know why anyone thinks this is a nightmarish experience! It’s been altogether wonderful.

@isshelpv

It's hard because we have quite an informal, chatty relationship. But MIL is as blunt as an ancient pencil and SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is'

& let me guess ... "telling it like it is" doesn't include much "hearing it like it is"?

People who market themselves with this faux-bluff "I just say it as I see it" are usually just tactless, or bullying types who are happy to dish it out but become remarkably sensitive if they're ever on the receiving end.

They expect others to suck it up, but any retaliation is met with incredulity & escalation, so yeah - it's hard to deal with, without making an issue which inevitably backfires.

I suspect "Grey Rock" is your friend here. www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
For everything you just want to ignore, let it wash over you while you give some variant of "that's nice dear".

For the more "sod off" moments, I'm guessing what you want to achieve is to get them to back away from your boundary, but need to do so without giving them any chance to escalate by blaming you for having the temerity to have a boundary at all?

You need to start advertising the "fact" that your skin is as thick as theirs, (it doesn't matter, this is method acting), & the very definite facts that this is your baby, your house, your breastfeeding routine, & your decision.

You could try:
This sleeping set-up is all wrong!
YOU (mildly, but with an air of dismissive puzzlement) "don't worry about it, I'm not asking you to sleep here."

well, you'll regret it
"Will I ..? I'm sure I'll manage"

got more money than sense, but little of both
"Good grief, what a stupidly rude comment. You'd feel really offended if someone said that about you. Now, are you having tea or coffee?"

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding
"My body is precisely none of your business, stop being weird. Do you want a slice of cake?"

Good luck OP. You just need to spend a few weeks showing them that their comments either bounce off you, or get returned To Sender :)

Firstly, huge congratulations on your lovely new addition.

My advice- stop telling them so much, it’s just giving them ammunition. Also, get a ‘next to me’ for your son’s bed if there is space. In fairness to them I’m not keen on the sound of the sleeping set up either, makes me nervous and they probably want things to be perfect for you all how- a next to me would be a good solution.

The other aspect- it depends entirely if your husband borrows money from your MIL regularly/ complains about money worries/ you struggle to pay for the basics- if so then she has a right to comment. If not then she should be told to be quiet.

I think they have issues to address if they're more anxious than me and H

Not convinced it's anxiety, but either way, they have issues.
The issue is, they think they, their feelings, & their opinions are more important than yours.

Time to demonstrate that they are wrong, or you will never hear then end of it & they'll be undermining you directly to your child as they grow up.

@2ndtimemum2

"Previously, DS slept with us until age 3 (he didn't ask to be put in his own bed, he just went in because we decided to when we moved house). He took to it perfectly from night 1"

So you soon made the choice to independently sleep but you chose to go back to collecting with him? I'm all for cosleeping but when the child decides to exert independence and sleep in their own bed you are meant to respect that and not follow into their bed with their newborn sister.

Also Is your ds 3 or older? You say he breast fed until he was 3 but talk as if he is still 3?

I see one of the SILs has turned up to "tell it like it is" ... Just what an exhausted mother of a 5 day old needs. More interrogation!

You are meant to respect that ha ha ha ha ha Cartman

I'm quite clued up on how dangerous co-sleeping is - especially for newborns - so I'm with them on that, although it sounds like they're more concerned with that from a routine perspective?

@isshelpv

I'm not a deep sleeper and just don't when breastfeeding. I can't explain it but it's just very in tune, I know if baby moves etc even just an inch

DS is a deep sleeper (sleeping other side of me so not near DD). He doesn't get up and start moving about to get comfy. He's out for the night. He's always been a deep deep sleeper

Honestly I think it'll cause unnecessary worry thinking he will somehow hurt her or there will be an accident

hey OP

You don't need to justify your parenting decisions to us randoms on the net either.

Start as you mean to go on with your batshit inlaws, by practising the noble art of Not Having To Justify Yourself on this thread!

You're doing fine, believe in yourself

So sorry about your losses.

Co sleeping while breastfeeding is very safe. In fact done safely it is actually safest as the baby's breathing regulates with close
proximity to the mum. I did it with all three of my children, it makes breastfeeding through the night so much easier. I stopped feeding my two eldest when they were 2 and 2.5 and am still feeding a one year old now. Like you, I am incredibly in tune to the children (they're often half on my arm and I wake up if they even make a tiny noise. I know they're safe because I can see, feel and hear them. I worried all night in the few occasions they were alone in a cot.

My MIL also hated that I breastfed and co-slept. She always had a criticism. I just made sure that I was armed with knowledge from reputable sources eg Australian Breastfeeding Association, and lactation experts such as The Milk Meg or Pinky McKay. That way I often had a quick and easy come back. Or else I would just resort to "well it works for us so we'll continue until it doesn't. She eventually started biting her tongue a bit more.

You sound like a beautiful Mum. Try not to take their comments to heart and enjoy this time as much as you can.

Not really there business is it?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@isshelpv you say that you sometimes still breastfeed your 4yo. Is there not a chance when he cottons on you are breastfeeding the baby in his bed, that he might wake up in the night and try and breastfeed which could cause an issue with covers over the baby etc?[/quote]
FFS!

& IF that happens, OP will handle it.
What is the point of this nitpicking query? Are you the MiL?

Ask dh to have a word with them, if this fails just distance yourself from them. Nothing says you have to spend time with them.

How do they know how you sleep with your children? Or that you breastfeed your 3 year old?

Just don't tell them!

Your in laws sound very nasty and unpleasant.

I would go grey rock with them and just roll your eyes when they make bitchy comments. Rise above it.

@isshelpv I co-sleep with my dd I've done it since she was born she's now 13 months and still breastfeeding at night. We're both happy with it and it means I was never sleep deprived. Also dd1 who is 2 occasionally get in with us as well and it's perfectly fine I just sleep in the middle of them.

Do what works for you and your babies and is safe!

I have to be honest I think sharing a bed with a newborn and a SN toddler is a massive risk and one I would not take.

"Don't worry about it, nobody is asking you to."

(see wot I did there, OP?)

I co sleep (and breastfed til age 2). The best thing I’ve found you can say is how much you love it. I say, I appreciate your opinion but when I’m an old lady on my death bed the thing I will think about in my life as the best and most wonderful thing I have experienced is co-sleeping with my babies’. It is hand on heart my most favourite memory. If people understand that, any other reasons they have for not doing it become void. Co sleeping is amazing!

I am not the MIL, but there is a reason it is not recommended to co-sleep with other children in the bed.

Also co sleeping is completely natural. If a mother animal at a zoo left her baby alone it would be taken off of her for abandoning it. Chimps cling on to their mothers until they are 3. We are not meant to sleep apart from our babies.

Take no notice.
Your instincts seem spot on to me.

A yorkshire colleague once said she tells it like it is.
I corrected her with. No, you're just bloody rude.

Isn’t the issue that the way we sleep isn’t natural: duvets, pillows, smoking, alcohol etc. They all pose risks when co-sleeping, and these risks include an older child.

I found memorising the WHO breastfeeding guidelines key point (and the equivalent for safe bedsharing) and then quoting back exactly the same thing (word for word for greatest effect) every time the subject came up got boring for everyone VERY quickly and therefore people stopped mentioning it.

I am not the MIL, but there is a reason it is not recommended to co-sleep with other children in the bed.

There are reasons for, & against. Recommended by some, not by others.

On a thread specifically started to ask for help on unwanted advice, why are you still offering unwanted advice?

It's almost as if you feel that OP isn't qualified to make her own informed decision without benefit of your superior wisdom ...

Do you seriously imagine she hasn't done her own research & risk-assessment? For her own beloved baby?

I co slept with all of mine while breastfeeding and I loved it. I breastfed laying down lo didn't even have to get up. I think it's probably nice your son doesn't feel left out at the moment and he's still young.

"Isn’t the issue that the way we sleep isn’t natural: duvets, pillows, smoking, alcohol etc. They all pose risks when co-sleeping, and these risks include an older child."

I'm going to highly doubt that the OP is smoking and drinking whilst looking after her 5 week old baby and her autistic son

When you breastfeed and Co sleep you take everything into consideration
The way you lie so you can't roll over
Where you place the duvet so the baby doent overheat etc
Not everyone is incompetent