To tell SILs and MIL to sod off?

[isshelpv]

I have two otherwise very nice SILs and MIL. Although they're very set in their ways!

DD was born 5 days ago. After the loss of DD1, then DD2, then DS2. All neonatal deaths. I have a lovely DS as well as DD so we are now done.

Both SILs and MIL are really not best pleased with what I'm doing. They are fine otherwise and very supportive but they are making comments and I don't know how to answer

DD is co-sleeping with me, in DS's (double) bed. DH is in our room. They say this set up is all wrong! DS is going to get too use to me and DD being there, this is a very very bad idea. I said it's working lovely for now, DS is autistic and he has taken very well to all this, I think us sleeping together plus a huge part. SIL said NO, not my kids. Could never be me! Other SIL just nodded her head. MIL says 'well, you'll regret it'.

They also know how much I've spent on my pram and MIL thinks 'I've got more money than sense, but little of both'

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding, all of them think it's absolutely not okay beyond 12 months. DS was breastfed until age 3... and still is secretly every now and then! If he's sad etc and it's bed time

There are other little comments too. I feel so sad. I try not to put myself in a position where the answer to a question can be picked apart, but it's hard going.

How do you handle these questions and negativity? It sounds ridiculous but it's raining on my newborn experience

They sound absolutely awful. I can’t stand these people who claim to “tell it how it is”, as though it’s an admirable thing, when actually what they mean is that they stick their nose in where it doesn’t belong and openly and rudely criticise other people’s choices that are nothing to do with them. It’s not admirable or brave. It’s just nasty.

I think I would wait for an occasion where DH is present and they say something judgemental. Then I’d tell them (or ideally DH would tell them!), quite firmly, “I don’t know if you realise, but you are very critical and judgmental of a lot of our personal choices regarding the baby. It’s not going to make us change the way we do things, but it is quite upsetting and it’s sucking the joy out of what should be a really special time. We need family to be supportive, or at least do nothing. We don’t expect to have to deal with this kind of thing from people who are supposed to love us, and I’m afraid if you do it again I’ll ask you to leave.” Then you have to be a bit brave and just weather the immediate fallout, whether that’s faux-shock (“we never realised!”), indignation and storming out, arguing back, crocodile tears etc. I reckon once they realise you’re serious and you’re not putting up with it any more, they’ll pack it in. If they are very involved then they aren’t going to want to have to reduce contact with the grandkids/niece and nephew.

You could "tell them as it is" and tell them it's none of their business?

The rod for your own back stuff is only true is you aren’t happy.

This. I get sick of hearing that phrase. It’s usually said by people who wouldn’t like what you’re choosing to do while ignoring that you do or aren’t as bothered about it as they are.

I heard the same with my first and when I put him in his own bed at 2.5 he stayed there. At 6, he only climbs in our bed now in the early morning and goes back to sleep about once a week and we don’t even know he’s there until we wake up (he chooses to sleep at the foot of the bed and we have a super king).

You have a couple of options I suppose. One is to distance yourself a bit, one is to smile and nod, and one is to start ‘telling it how it is’ yourself.

@Belliphat

The rod for your own back stuff is only true is you aren’t happy. I did what you did - loved it. Mine moved out at different ages between 3-6 - loved it all:)

Totally agree. My DS co slept until he was 6. He’s 17 now and those 6 years were a blip in time in the big scheme of his lifetime.

My SIL is a ‘rod for your own back’ kind of person and funnily enough, both of her daughters keep her at arms length because of her unsolicited parenting advice and opinions.

@isshelpv you sound like a wonderful parent and congratulations on your lovely new baby. Sorry you have to deal with crap from these people.

YANBU and whilst I wouldn't tell them to sod off, just nod and ignore.

I don't think it's a very good idea to have a 3 year old sleep in the same bed as a newborn though, and I have one of each so I know it's hard to balance both without literally splitting yourself in two. All it would take was for the 3 year old to creep over to the other side of you or or pull the cover up too high and you'd have a problem. At least consider getting an owlet sock or similar for the baby as a precaution?

Start ‘telling it as it is’ to them. I had to do this to get various family members to stop judging me. Funnily enough when I judged them in the same way I was being ‘mean’.

The rod for your own back is a load of rubbish. My DF lived in developing countries for many years and talked about how babies and toddlers were permanently strapped to their mothers, but, and I quote "those kids did not grow up soft". Co sleeping though is dangerous.

I think you are somehow telling them a lot of information that they dont need to know. They would only know how much the pram cost or your sleeping arrangements if you told them. I cant imagine anyone caring about my life in that level of detail!

I think you have a couple of options -

1. Lie. Tell them you got given the pram / found a bargain on Ebay if you know they're going to judge. Tell them the baby is sleeping well in their own crib.

1. Disengage a bit. Be as vague as you can be and dont give any details even when pressed. Oh the pram was sorted ages ago, I cant even remember the brand.

1. When they ask stuff (I'm presuming they ask you for all this info and you dont volunteer it) say that youd rather not talk about it as you know your choices are different to ones that they have made and they will judge you so let's discuss something you can all agree on like (whatever)...

Is there a reason you co-sleep with both children and DH gets to sleep on his own?

You have a few choices.

1. Just ignore.

1. Tell them to fuck off

1. Argue your corner and tell them that the majority of new mothers worldwide co sleep and it's the natural state for mammals so what makes them think they are right etc etc

I'd probably do 1 myself but I'm fairly non confrontational

Firstly I am sorry for your losses .Congratulations on your new baby .I think if it works for you then why worry? Its nothing to do with them really . If they say anything ,just tell them its your way of doing things . They sound like they are a bit too bossy!

@ineedaholidaynow

Is there a reason you co-sleep with both children and DH gets to sleep on his own?

Previously, DS slept with us until age 3 (he didn't ask to be put in his own bed, he just went in because we decided to when we moved house). He took to it perfectly from night 1

Now there's two DC, seems easier to just sleep with little DS and his little sister. He's happy, I'm happy. Baby is happy. DH gets the bed to himself. I'm well rested. What's not to like?

Co sleeping though is dangerous.

No it isn't. Most countries with lowest sids rates co-sleep as the norm

Dont tell them anything any more. It’s absolutely none of their business. The rod for your own back thing is nonsense. All mine co-slept with me while they were having night feeds, so all around 12-14 months old and none of them had any problem sleeping alone after that. They’ve never come into our bed. I’ve friends who never co slept but still their kids came in with them.

@ineedaholidaynow

Is there a reason you co-sleep with both children and DH gets to sleep on his own?

One is 5 days old and breast fed and they’re sleeping in the son’s bedroom.

Congratulations on your lovely newborn baby. You sound like you have a lovely set up that is working for your family.

I'm sorry for your losses. Maybe SIL and MIL are anxious, maybe they are thoughtless, or maybe they are actively nasty. It doesn't really matter what is behind it, you don't need their negative comments and you don't have to put up with it.

I would see less of them. And when I did see them, just steer the conversation to them and away from you and your decisions. They don't need to know about any of the stuff they are going on about.

I don’t think it is recommended to co-sleep with other children in the bed

Re: the breastfeeding thing, both of mine fed till they were 3 and a half. Whenever I was asked (with much tutting and eye-rolling) by MIL how much longer I was going to do "that" for, I'd reply "I don't know yet, but every time you ask that question I add on a month."

My gran came round a few days ago and actually told me off because I don't let my DS (not even 2) to cry at bedtime. And I said no wasn't happening. And she got annoyed and told me I'm being silly and that he just had to learn and what will o do when baby #2 comes. I said DH will be there to help. Again apparently this was nonsense and ridiculous and every other baby on the world learns it and D's will just have to as well

I just said no again. And realised she knows and grand sum of fuck all about how other people parent. I just see her as a silly woman now. She can't even go shopping without her husband's permission so what does she know about healthy relationships.

Ignore ignore ignore op.

Haha @GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal lol that's so funny! What did she say to that?!

Congratulations on your baby and sorry for your losses. You have been through a lot.
Co sleeping like this IS dangerous though. Having a 3 year old in with a newborn is very risky. And because other countries with higher rates of co sleeping have lower rates of SIDS does not indicate a causal link, there are many other factors at play. It is your choice but this seems an unnecessary risk. Maybe that is what your family are trying to express.

Congratulations!

If it's working for you then carry on. I adapted as I went along because things do change. But mostly I collect with DD as she was bf and could pretty much help herself through the night.

We put her in her own bed at some point and she'd come in with me in the middle of the night when she woke up and wanted more milk.

It dis sometimes feel like it went on forever, but I honestly don't remember making conscious decision to stop bf, she just got less reliant and less interested and had certainly stopped by the time she started school. The rod for your own back thing us bollocks.

With comments like "I could never do that" my response would be a shrug and "I'm not asking you to do it"

Op, you sound like such an amazing mummy. Sorry for the loss of your three babies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I have a nearly 1 year old, still breastfeed and co-sleep with him in his room. We get comments all the time. As long as husband, myself and baby are all happy, that's all that matters. My answer to all the "well I couldn't do that, I'd never do that, oh but you're not going to be one of those mums and feed past 1 right?", Is just "well it works for us, we're all happy and get a good sleep". Then if they keep going on, I shut down the conversation. My auntie tried to tell me my marriage would suffer and he needs to be in his own room at 6 months etc etc and wouldn't stop going on so I said quite directly if she kept going on, we were going to fall out. We changed the topic. She'll still ask every time we speak about his sleeping arrangements and I just think ffs it's no one's business, so avoid answering.

I would tell them straight to butt out. If they don't, just distance yourself from that negativity and tell your DH to talk to them as well. It has fuck all to do with them how you do things in your family

This isn't true for everyone. My friend coslept with her two boys. The first until he was 2 and a half...he went into his own room very easily and now just goes off to bed independently. Her second son stayed in until 2 when he asked himself to go into his room with his brother.