To tell SILs and MIL to sod off?

[isshelpv]

I have two otherwise very nice SILs and MIL. Although they're very set in their ways!

DD was born 5 days ago. After the loss of DD1, then DD2, then DS2. All neonatal deaths. I have a lovely DS as well as DD so we are now done.

Both SILs and MIL are really not best pleased with what I'm doing. They are fine otherwise and very supportive but they are making comments and I don't know how to answer

DD is co-sleeping with me, in DS's (double) bed. DH is in our room. They say this set up is all wrong! DS is going to get too use to me and DD being there, this is a very very bad idea. I said it's working lovely for now, DS is autistic and he has taken very well to all this, I think us sleeping together plus a huge part. SIL said NO, not my kids. Could never be me! Other SIL just nodded her head. MIL says 'well, you'll regret it'.

They also know how much I've spent on my pram and MIL thinks 'I've got more money than sense, but little of both'

They are most annoyed about the breastfeeding, all of them think it's absolutely not okay beyond 12 months. DS was breastfed until age 3... and still is secretly every now and then! If he's sad etc and it's bed time

There are other little comments too. I feel so sad. I try not to put myself in a position where the answer to a question can be picked apart, but it's hard going.

How do you handle these questions and negativity? It sounds ridiculous but it's raining on my newborn experience

@isshelpv

It's hard because we have quite an informal, chatty relationship. But MIL is as blunt as an ancient pencil and SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is'

Just reply " Did I ask you ?" On repeat

@ineedaholidaynow No, definitely don't think so. As I say, he's out for the count. And he is seeing me breastfeed constantly during the day and hasn't done much other than pat her head in passing on the second day. Hasn't even bothered to look her way much since in any scenario

Keep your business private from them. Why share your sleeping arrangements with them, it's no ones business.

I personally wouldn't tell them details of your life.

Don’t tell them stuff, keep it vague.

Do people generally not share these details with family then? I just thought it was normal chitchat conversation and these things came up

“It works for us”
“No one is asking for you to do the same”
“How we parent is up to us the same way how you parent is up to you”

@isshelpv

Do people generally not share these details with family then? I just thought it was normal chitchat conversation and these things came up

Not if they use it to undermine you. Either have it out with them or close it down each time or stop telling them stuff.

It's really not safe to sleep with a newborn and another child.

OP: can I have help with dealing with critical comments from relatives about how I parent my children.

Posters: make critical comments about how OP is parenting her children

Both mine co-slept with us a babies, 1 till 15 mths and the other 10mth. We all loved the experience - had no problems with them going to their own room and never found the 'rod in my back'.

Our children are now grown up teenagers who still love the occassional quick cuddle in bed and usally ends up in giggles.

I have fond memories of the co-sleeping and am extermerely grateful for the midwife who encouraged it.

Urgh. None of this is any of their business anyway but after your losses - good god you should be able to do anything you bloody well like!!!

Is it possible they're a bit anxious for you after all that trauma you've gone through and it's just manifesting in whatever they can hone in on and 'fix'? I mean, they could of course just be nosy twats. But maybe they are trying to make life easier for you in the only way they can think how? (Though they're obviously making life harder so it's not a great tactic if that's what it is).

I guess you will have to be a bit blunt back. I had to do that with well meaning in laws... it did hurt a bit through.

Congrats on your lovely new baby.

My in-laws treated me badly after a succession of miscarriages. We had no children at the time and I was very ill after a nasty uterine infection from the medical procedure following MMC.

Even then they were on their second chance after some disgraceful, callous behaviour after my mother died.

They will not be given a third one. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Your sleeping arrangements are your own business. I don't agree that you're 'making a rod for your own back' at all, and if you were, again, your business. Your kids won't want to sleep in your bed when they are 14.

Crack on and do what works for you.

If your 4yo is such a deep heavy sleeper why don’t you go back to your own bed with baby. I’m confused as to why you are taking this risk.

Tell them that you don’t care for their opinion as you have your own thank you.

@isshelpv

Co sleeping though is dangerous.

No it isn't. Most countries with lowest sids rates co-sleep as the norm

Think this is a really important point to make. I never co slept BUT exhaustion is far worse as it can often lead to caregivers falling asleep with baby In far more dangerous places, like the sofa or reclining chairs. As long as the baby is full term, a healthy weight, no health issues, non smoking/ drug taking or exhausted parents and a clear firm mattress with tight fitted sheets. Then it’s deemed to be safe.

@isshelpv did I read you said baby was almost term? How many weeks was babe born and what was their birth weight? You might want to double check with the lullaby trust around that if you haven’t already.

And I think to be perfectly honest, unless ILs are willing and able to come around and hold baby or rock baby to sleep all night, then they don’t really get a say. The newborn stage is tough and if this is working for you (and is safe of course), Then I think you can politely say, ‘what we’re doing works for us, and I don’t really want to discuss it any further’.

Also I’m so sorry for your losses

Maybe it's time you too "say it how it is"

I'm doing what works for me and what makes me happy. I'm not asking you to agree with it because I don't need your permission.

After what you and your DH had been through I'd give you a pass on absolutely everything, even if it wasn't what I'd do myself. Difficult to stop the opinionated so the best thing to do it is ignore them and enjoy your life. I did a training session on dealing with difficult people and one of the bits of advice was when you feel yourself getting angry is to tell yourself the person is an idiot and in your head say "awww bless" as if you feel sorry for them being stupid. For some reason, it helps melt the anger quite well.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

SILs will loudly tell anyone they 'tell it as it is' That's code for bitch. Avoid.

Agreed.

Take a leaf out of SIL book and tell HER how it is…

You don't have to answer! Politely but clearly change the subject when it arises and make it clear that you are! Discuss the weather, TV programs....anything totally unrelated and when they try to return to the subject, change it again.
Is your partner happy with what you are doing? Is he letting his family say what he thinks but won't say? Because if that is the case then you need to get sorted with him.

@MilduraS

After what you and your DH had been through I'd give you a pass on absolutely everything, even if it wasn't what I'd do myself. Difficult to stop the opinionated so the best thing to do it is ignore them and enjoy your life. I did a training session on dealing with difficult people and one of the bits of advice was when you feel yourself getting angry is to tell yourself the person is an idiot and in your head say "awww bless" as if you feel sorry for them being stupid. For some reason, it helps melt the anger quite well.

oo i LIKE that

If your following co-sleeping safety then it’s great.
We had both our DD’s in a pod between our pillows as a newborn then on my side when older.

The hardest person I’ve had to ween off co-sleeping was DH.
It was the only time he got cuddles with our oldest who used to kick him and shout “MY Mummy, Not you!” till he till about 3 when finally the allegiance changed from me and it was ALL about daddy.
Both of our girls now sleep on their own in their own beds but DH still gives them a cuddle till they sleep (they are 7 and 4) when it’s his turn for bedtime.

@ineedaholidaynow

Is there a reason you co-sleep with both children and DH gets to sleep on his own?

Yes I assume it comes down to that thing called personal choice.

I think you just need to be firm. Don't attempt to explain or justify yourself. Try and remain calm and polite and just say well I'm doing it this way and shut the conversation down.

So sorry about your losses, OP.
You're doing exactly the right things, and your in-laws can sod off.