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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be massively offended by this?

186 replies

jonesome · 26/06/2021 01:21

Family holiday with my partner and our kids for the first time (live in the US so can travel to another state for trips).

He has 3 kids, I have 2. We have separate hotel rooms on the same hotel complex.

Completely unexpectedly we got 3 hours without the any of kids yesterday after the stars aligned.

Told him to text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity.

Obviously quite excited for some alone time.

Almost three hours later I'd heard nothing from him. Then 10 mins before the kids were all returning, he text to ask where I fancied meeting with the kids for dinner later.

When I asked what he'd been up to he said he'd had a lovely 3 hours. Hot tub, went for a nice walk, read his book.

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.

Am I being unreasonable to be super offended? Can't decide whether it's worth saying something to him or if I'm being high maintenance.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 26/06/2021 11:20

I would be hurt too. In fact I would question going forward with the relationship.

He knew what you meant or should have unless he really is an idiot. The idea that blokes just don't get it is silly, of course they do as fully functional adults.

Even if he wasn't up for sex (although why wouldn't he be?) he should want to spend some child free time with you.

I think he just wants someone to help share the child rearing and that would make me really think about whether I wanted to carry on with him.

bridgetreilly · 26/06/2021 11:20

Why didn’t you just call him? Or go and find him? You’re an adult too.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 26/06/2021 11:25

@bridgetreilly

Why didn’t you just call him? Or go and find him? You’re an adult too.
Because the OP had already said? How much chasing should she have to do? It was up to him now. He should have wanted to.
Minionbums · 26/06/2021 11:33

How far into the holiday was it? If it’s more than a couple of days in, I would 100% have done the same (although I’d have said something instead of just doing it). Everyone needs some alone time, maybe he just didn’t think, or maybe he didn’t know how to say it.

StayCalmX · 26/06/2021 11:37

wow, well that's a loud message.
I think he likes the bigger extended family set up, more of a team feeling. But when he had three hours without responsibility, he chose to spend them alone. He chose this. Remember that.

I don't think you need to be offended. You just need to remember this and get a bit turned off. You're not on the same page with what you hope for. Please don't get offended. Just listen to this piece of information. It's valuable. This gives you a lot of information.

CrabAppleJelly · 26/06/2021 11:50

I had an ex boyfriend like this, and would suspect my husband would do it too, quite happily.

I could have understood it, if he’d fallen asleep for three hours, but he just went off and enjoyed himself

Find someone better, you’re handy for meet-ups with the children, apart from that, he’s happy by himself.

I’d be hurt and angry

FrippEnos · 26/06/2021 11:55

jonesome

Be less vague.

This one is on you.

grapewine · 26/06/2021 11:58

I'd be reevaluating the relationship. He isn't that into you, it appears. Maybe he's just after someone to co-parent with.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/06/2021 11:58

I'd be offended too. Flowers

billy1966 · 26/06/2021 12:11

OP,
Does it suit you to stay at his?
Are you doing all the running?
How much effort is he actually making?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 12:14

tbh when he messaged me to ask where we were meeting with the kids i'd have asked what happened to messaging me when he dropped the kids. But actually i'd have texted after 20 minutes or so and asked if he wanted to meet up or not. you need to communicate or else the relationship is dead anyway

category12 · 26/06/2021 12:16

Wow, he's really not fussed, is he?

TallFriendlyGinger · 26/06/2021 12:27

Bloody hell this seems like a massive overreaction. He could have very easily interpreted as "after the kids are sorted" as "after their activities" and so what maybe he wanted some downtime? If you wanted to hang out and have sex then you should have followed it up. You can't get mad at him for not texting if you also didn't try and contact him after. This really doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Just say to him that you wanted to spend some time together and ask him why he didn't text you. He probably didn't get what you were hinting, was too knackered, or thought maybe you would want some relaxation time? Don't attribute malice to something when you don't actually know what was going on in their head. Just ask and communicate clearly! Don't get worked up in your head imagining he's gone off you.

cupsofcoffee · 26/06/2021 12:27

@bridgetreilly

Why didn’t you just call him? Or go and find him? You’re an adult too.
I asked this too, but never got a response.

I find it very odd for a grown adult to sit and stew over something like this. After 10 minutes, why not just call and ask where he's gone?

It feels as though some people like to set their partners up for failure, or like they're looking for an argument. OP just calling her partner would have prevented all of this hurt and drama.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 12:35

@jonesome did you sit in your room for 3 hours waiting for him?

thepeopleversuswork · 26/06/2021 12:37

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with wanting some alone time on holiday if you're with kids....

On the other hand if you'd been clear that you wanted to spend some time with him it is odd to bugger off on your own for three hours without explanation.

I think for some reason he's feeling a bit stifled by the whole thing: maybe thinks things are moving too fast or whatever.

Have you told him you're pissed off/offended?

category12 · 26/06/2021 12:40

They'd talked previously about using their opportunities to have time together.

They had an opportunity - instead he used it to do his own thing. If he was knackered, he could have texted her to say so.

Basically he just thought of himself and didn't factor her in to his plans.

Yes, I'd be bloody offended and think he wasn't into me.

And personally I want a guy to actively want to spend time with me - he should be as keen as I am. So even if he had no idea OP meant when she told him text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity, he might have thought for himself, I'm free, maybe OP is free, wouldn't it be nice to be together? Somethine a bit wrong if he'd rather hot-tub and walk by himself.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 26/06/2021 12:47

@TallFriendlyGinger

Bloody hell this seems like a massive overreaction. He could have very easily interpreted as "after the kids are sorted" as "after their activities" and so what maybe he wanted some downtime? If you wanted to hang out and have sex then you should have followed it up. You can't get mad at him for not texting if you also didn't try and contact him after. This really doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Just say to him that you wanted to spend some time together and ask him why he didn't text you. He probably didn't get what you were hinting, was too knackered, or thought maybe you would want some relaxation time? Don't attribute malice to something when you don't actually know what was going on in their head. Just ask and communicate clearly! Don't get worked up in your head imagining he's gone off you.
She's not attributing malice but she's reasonably offended that he would rather spend 3 hours hanging out alone on holiday with her than spend it with her.
FlaminEckVera · 26/06/2021 13:04

@Frannibananni

He’s not that into you, it’s just easier parent with another ( are your kids the same age)
I am inclined to agree with this sorry @jonesome

He should have been buzzing at the idea of some alone time with you, not bogging off on his own for his 'me time.' Or even if he wanted me-time, he could have at least let you know/consulted you to see if this was OK, or if you wanted to be with him.

My DH would honestly never have done this/would never do this... He would have been excited at the thought of us being together without the kids for 3 hours. (When they were 'junior' age.) Of course we loved having the kids around, but we'd be lying if we said we didn't like some time to ourselves now and again.

A few posters have said 'do the same to him some time!' But that's getting into 'tit-for-tat- territory then, and a relationship is only going to go one way after that......... down the shitter.

Then again, as a few people have said, it doesn't sound like he is massively into you. Sorry. Flowers

FlaminEckVera · 26/06/2021 13:04

@category12

And personally I want a guy to actively want to spend time with me - and he should be as keen as I am. So even if he had no idea what the OP meant (when she told him text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity,) he might have thought for himself, 'I'm free, maybe she is free, wouldn't it be nice to be together?'

There is something a bit wrong if he'd rather go in the hot-tub and walk by himself.

100% agree with this. ^

@StayCalmX

Oh wow, well that's a loud message.

I think he likes the bigger extended family set up, more of a team feeling. But when he had three hours without responsibility, he chose to spend them alone. He chose this. Remember that.

I don't think you need to be offended. You just need to remember this and get a bit turned off. You're not on the same page with what you hope for. Please don't get offended. Just listen to this piece of information. It's valuable. This gives you a lot of information.

Yeah I agree with this. ^ I think you know where you stand @jonesome It won't be long before your 'partner' is dumping his kids on you, and bogging off out on his own. The warning signs are there. You are being used for his convenience... I would be re-thinking this relationship if I were you............. Because in addition to this issue, it sounds like you struggle to communicate with each other anyway.

Sorry.. Flowers

cardoon · 26/06/2021 13:11

@TallFriendlyGinger

Bloody hell this seems like a massive overreaction. He could have very easily interpreted as "after the kids are sorted" as "after their activities" and so what maybe he wanted some downtime? If you wanted to hang out and have sex then you should have followed it up. You can't get mad at him for not texting if you also didn't try and contact him after. This really doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Just say to him that you wanted to spend some time together and ask him why he didn't text you. He probably didn't get what you were hinting, was too knackered, or thought maybe you would want some relaxation time? Don't attribute malice to something when you don't actually know what was going on in their head. Just ask and communicate clearly! Don't get worked up in your head imagining he's gone off you.
Some people have such low expectations of their partners Sad Going on holiday with your partner is usually an opportunity to spend time together because you both want to! He can be involved in the organising of that time too.
Hankunamatata · 26/06/2021 13:11

Any chance he was just a bit fried from being with kids all the time and wanted some complete alone time?
Or he didn't compute you were alone alone when you talked about it

QueenBee52 · 26/06/2021 13:17

Sounds like HE enjoyed His 3hrs tbh 🤣

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2021 13:20

Some people have such low expectations of their partners sad Sad
Going on holiday with your partner is usually an opportunity to spend time together because you both want to! He can be involved in the organising of that time too.

^Exactly. It wouldn’t have occurred to my DH that we wouldn’t be spending the childfree time together. The only good reason not to would be if you had separate interests, like water sports.

Bumzoo · 26/06/2021 13:22

It's almost like you're on holiday at the same place but not there together. I'd be cross too.