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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be massively offended by this?

186 replies

jonesome · 26/06/2021 01:21

Family holiday with my partner and our kids for the first time (live in the US so can travel to another state for trips).

He has 3 kids, I have 2. We have separate hotel rooms on the same hotel complex.

Completely unexpectedly we got 3 hours without the any of kids yesterday after the stars aligned.

Told him to text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity.

Obviously quite excited for some alone time.

Almost three hours later I'd heard nothing from him. Then 10 mins before the kids were all returning, he text to ask where I fancied meeting with the kids for dinner later.

When I asked what he'd been up to he said he'd had a lovely 3 hours. Hot tub, went for a nice walk, read his book.

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.

Am I being unreasonable to be super offended? Can't decide whether it's worth saying something to him or if I'm being high maintenance.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 26/06/2021 08:20

Hmm. Has the sex been a bit lacklustre to date?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 26/06/2021 08:21

Alone time. I want to be alone?

Why must we assume stupidity or that men (all men) have different ways of processing information.

Can I suggest asking him instead of winding yourself up further and guessing?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/06/2021 08:26

What’s your relationship like generally? Do you get out on dates together/stay over etc?

freespirit11 · 26/06/2021 08:26

Why wait the 3 hours? I would've texted or called after the initial passing of 10 mins to check on where he was.

Eviethyme · 26/06/2021 08:28

My husband wouldn't just wander off for 3 hours on a family holiday... Whole point of a holiday is to spend some quality time together....

Theunamedcat · 26/06/2021 08:29

I would feel the same way you weren't exactly ambiguous in your wording unless he really is stupid?

I would be feeling this was a relationship of convenience and be backing away maybe take some space after the holiday or take a leaf out of his book and take it during the holiday

daisypond · 26/06/2021 08:33

Your OP isn’t very clear on who said what exactly.

You say “told him to text me as soon as he got the kids settled at their activity”. But later you say “as soon as he got the kids sorted”. They don’t mean the same thing to me.

Then you say, “Obviously excited for some alone time.” Who was excited? You ? Or him? What did he say exactly? Alone time means being alone.

paniniswapx3 · 26/06/2021 08:35

@Tiramiwho

Looking at it from the outside, I would say that your gut instinct is correct. He knew precisely what you meant and, rather than be upfront and tell you straight that he would prefer to do his own thing ( risk offending you ) he chose to play dumb and ignore your invite. If he wanted to spend time with you, wouldn't he have thought to ask you himself? I would take it as a sign that he's just not that into me, watch how things progress and take it as a flag for now. He could just love his own time and you will need to accommodate that if you stay togetherFlowers
Agree with this - sorry Op!
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 26/06/2021 08:35

I would be upset if only a year in to a relationship my partner preferred to spend 3 hours childfree time on their own on holiday.
I am a big fan of alone time and not at all needy in a relationship, in fact have been accused of being too detached and independent at times.
But surely at this stage in a relationship you are wanting to have sex whenever you can. This would have me wondering if he was that into me too.

Isthisit22 · 26/06/2021 08:38

Why didn't you just ring him?

Agree with others- he's not that into you and it sounds like you are on holiday with a friend/ school mum.

donquixotedelamancha · 26/06/2021 08:39

What an IDIOT he is... he could have pulled

Maybe he already had :-)

More seriously: just speak to him about how you feel, OP. Fretting and speculating with strangers instead of talking to him is a sure-fire way to kill your relationship.

His feeling of wanting some alone time and your feeling he should communicate are both valid- so talk and compromise.

ifonly4 · 26/06/2021 08:42

If he really wanted to spend some crash out time in the hot tub, walking, reading a book, it's a shame he didn't think to ask you to join him. Could just to be a one off, but I hope he doesn't do it again.

MrsBobDylan · 26/06/2021 08:47

You need to talk about this, openly and honestly. He should have been falling over himself to share the hot tube/go for a walk/have lunch at a fancy restaurant/shag during that time.

Actions speak louder than words and at present, his tell you he doesn't want to be with you.

MrsBobDylan · 26/06/2021 08:48

The only excuse I would accept in this scenario is if he had the shits and was embarrassed to tell you.

cardoon · 26/06/2021 08:49

Poor OP, of course you would expect him to show that he is keen to spend time alone with you, does not need it spelled out to him when you are both free. Does he normally show enthusiasm towards you?

MyOtherProfile · 26/06/2021 08:50

You just need to ask him. Explain that you had hoped you could have spent that 3 hours together and that you were surprised he chose not to, then see what he says. You need to get his perspective on this.

worktrip · 26/06/2021 08:51

I'd be offended if my partner opted against some free time with me. Even if he didn't fancy some afternoon delight, he could have invited you to the hot tub, and walk!

notanothertakeaway · 26/06/2021 08:53

I don't think you can always expect people to be mind readers

"Shall we do something together while the kids are at activities?" is not the same as "Let me know when your kids are settled in their activity"

So often, people post on MN that they love their children and partner, but would live a bit of peace and quiet to go for a walk and read their book

And if you expected all the kids to be in their activity by eg 3pm, I don't understand why you didn't text or call him at 3.15 to make a plan

roguetomato · 26/06/2021 08:55

I think I wouldn't feel offended, I would feel more suspicious.

cardoon · 26/06/2021 08:57

Text me when your kids are sorted and i'll be around!
You don't need to be a mind reader to understand this!

MrsMaizel · 26/06/2021 09:02

@HoppingPavlova

I said 'great, I just need to get the kids off to xyz place. Text me when your kids are sorted and i'll be around!'

And there’s your problem. No man I know would be able to interprete that. You needed to say ‘text me when your kids are dropped off so we can meet and have some time together alone’. If you had of said that I’m sure he would have gladly done it. That’s what men need, implicit instruction, this is nothing new or specific to your DH.

😂😂😂 There's certainly some truth in that !
Strawberrysaxifrage · 26/06/2021 09:03

I think it's missing the point, asking what exactly the OP said and why she didn't ring him. The reason she is, and I would be, upset is that they had a rare few hours away from the kids and his desire wasn't to spend that just the two of them, with or without sex. I don't believe the OP mentioned sex.

Fine, he might have wanted alone time, but I would expect him to have acknowledged the opportunity we had to spend time together, and excuse himself, not just see it as an option as you would a friend or relative you were holidaying together with.

I know with 5 kids in tow it's hardly a romantic sojourn and he might have been exhausted but still, it's a new relationship and you want to be seen as an exciting new girlfriend. I get that. And it's hard to now ask about it without sounding like you're moaning. The point is you wanted him to want to see you.

I might give it a chance to get back on track by being clearer about what you want next time but would also be considering how keen he seems in other ways. Being communicative about your wants is healthy and necessary but what you really need in a relationship is a balance of interest.

VettiyaIruken · 26/06/2021 09:07

Sounds like he wanted some time to himself more than he wanted to have time with you.

It was rude of him to not text as agreed. He should have been honest with you.

We all need time alone to just totally relax and if he'd said that I'm sure you would have understood and gone and enjoyed the same.

You need to tell him how you feel

KrisAkabusi · 26/06/2021 09:07

@Bibbidiboo

Not going to lie I would thoroughly enjoy giving my DH hell about this miscommunication… I am surprised you lasted the 3 hours without trying to contact him
You would enjoy bollocking your husband for something that you admit would be a miscommunication? You sound like a horrible person.
Tinkerbellflowers · 26/06/2021 09:10

Maybe he DID text you, but YOU didnt get HIS text. And he now thinks YOU didnt want to spend time with HIM! 🤔

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