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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be massively offended by this?

186 replies

jonesome · 26/06/2021 01:21

Family holiday with my partner and our kids for the first time (live in the US so can travel to another state for trips).

He has 3 kids, I have 2. We have separate hotel rooms on the same hotel complex.

Completely unexpectedly we got 3 hours without the any of kids yesterday after the stars aligned.

Told him to text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity.

Obviously quite excited for some alone time.

Almost three hours later I'd heard nothing from him. Then 10 mins before the kids were all returning, he text to ask where I fancied meeting with the kids for dinner later.

When I asked what he'd been up to he said he'd had a lovely 3 hours. Hot tub, went for a nice walk, read his book.

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.

Am I being unreasonable to be super offended? Can't decide whether it's worth saying something to him or if I'm being high maintenance.

OP posts:
MorganSeventh · 26/06/2021 07:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It seems as though as soon as the kids weren't involved you disappeared from his thoughts. I understand people needing down time, especially with 5 children involved, but he should have been up front about that, or at worst told a white lie 'I'm so sorry, I lay down and just sparked out, I'lll make it up to you later.'

But his blythe, 'oh yes, I went for a walk, used the hot tub, it was great!' suggests it never occured to him that he would want to spend time with you as a partner, which is hurtful. And then, as soon as the kids get back, it's: 'oh yes, where's my substitute co-parent?'

I would raise it casually, but I think it is a situation where actions speak louder than words. If he makes an effort to spend time with you on your own during the rest of the holiday, then perhaps it's a blip, but if not it seems as though he's not thinking of you as a person in your own right, which is no basis for a relationship.

Karwomannghia · 26/06/2021 07:41

I would feel the same as you

Hallyup6 · 26/06/2021 07:46

And after half an hour of waiting, you didn't ring him to say oi, where are you? Sometimes men need to be told straight.

Bibbidiboo · 26/06/2021 07:46

Not going to lie I would thoroughly enjoy giving my DH hell about this miscommunication…
I am surprised you lasted the 3 hours without trying to contact him

HollowTalk · 26/06/2021 07:48

It's as though you've gone on holiday with a distant relative and not your actual boyfriend.

TenThousandSpoons · 26/06/2021 07:51

There could be a misunderstanding - in your op you mention “alone time” but you meant time alone with him. If you said you were looking forward to alone time he may not have realised you meant with him just no kids. Also you said let him know when the kids are sorted and maybe he thought you meant let him know when he’d picked them up so that you could all meet again for dinner after enjoying your respective alone times for the three hours.
Or he’s just not that into you.

pictish · 26/06/2021 07:52

Who are these poster who think men are a different species from us and need to be communicated with in a specific man-friendly way? What a fallacy!

Nofruitta · 26/06/2021 07:52

YANU to have waited 3 hours. After 10 minutes, why did you not phone him?

cupsofcoffee · 26/06/2021 07:53

Even if it's a miscommunication, surely still check in to see what I'm up to during those 3 hours??!!

I don't understand why you didn't just text or ring him, or go to his room and find him?

Why sit around stewing for three hours?

billy1966 · 26/06/2021 07:55

OP,
I think you have every right to be offended.

At the very least he was extremely rude.
He knew you were going to be free but felt like doing his own thing.

He should have told.
Basic courtesy IMO.

Kindly meant but I woud think the whole arrangement might be more convenience than emotional and that you could be a stop gap until someone else comes along.

I would be very wary.

Judge by actions, not words.

Flowers
Scaredycatmoo76 · 26/06/2021 07:56

Not at all offended

Hurt? Because clearly we have different views of the relationship ie you are more in to it than him

SmallPrawnEnergy · 26/06/2021 07:57

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.
Why not mention it though? Communication will help here surely, tell him how you feel instead of complaining behind his back.

SallyCinnabon · 26/06/2021 07:58

@RickiTarr

Is he generally slow on the uptake? Hormone deficient? Secret bad back?
Sorry I don’t get it, what does “hormone deficient” mean in this context?
starfishmummy · 26/06/2021 07:59

Tbh this sounds more like two completely separate families who happen to know each other being on holiday in the same place rather than partners being on holiday together.

Flippittyflopperty · 26/06/2021 08:00

Yes I’d be offended. I’d also think back through all our time together and see if there was any other time I thought Hmm
If there was I’d be moving on I think, or at least keeping an eye on it. He could be being dim or it could be that you’re handy to have around sometimes.
Sorry to be blunt op.

AlternativePerspective · 26/06/2021 08:01

You’re overreacting.

I get the impression that if he’d said he just wanted some time alone you would have been offended at that as well.

Personally I find nothing more irritating than an expectation that i
I should want to have sex at a given moment, or with some kind of suggestion which doesn’t say anything but implies everything.

He was damned if he did, damned if he didn’t.

And stop being such a bloody martyr. He didn’t call you so you waited for three y
Hours so you could be offended.

He

Grow up.

AlternativePerspective · 26/06/2021 08:02

No idea what happened to my typing there Blush

VroomVrooom · 26/06/2021 08:03

And I don’t really understand how you can go on to have a ‘perfectly lovely evening’ when you’re actually mortally offended by something he’s just done.

How is that even possible?

FreshHorizons · 26/06/2021 08:05

I would be upset.

Mrgrinch · 26/06/2021 08:07

surely still check in to see what I'm up to during those 3 hours

This sounds a bit clingy to be honest.

Benjispruce3 · 26/06/2021 08:08

Iee we oils have phoned him after a while, maybe an hour , to ask where he is and when he’s coming over. Yes I’d be a bit miffed. Been married 25 years and we still get excited at time without teenagers in the house!

FlowerArranger · 26/06/2021 08:09

Only skim read the thread but just wonder: don't people talk anymore? As in COMMUNICATE?

Yes, I'd be hurt too, but without actually knowing what message HE understood the OP was trying to convey, and WHY he did what he did...... - how can anybody know what's really going on?

Benjispruce3 · 26/06/2021 08:10

Weird typo at start of my post. ‘I would have’

Ijustreallywantacat · 26/06/2021 08:15

I think YABU. 'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity' etc.

If you had you used the phrase 'alone time' to me, I would assumed you meant actually on my own, which is one of my favourite types of time!
And no, your message wasn't 100% clear, there's room for a simple misinterpretation, which is forgivable.

I think YABVU for sitting and stewing on it all day though. You also had the opportunity to go and see him at some point over the three hours- You didn't 'check in' either!

Just come out with it and talk, and see what he thought was going on. The poor bloke is probably totally unaware and thinks you're both having a nice time!

Saz432 · 26/06/2021 08:18

I think what you said was a bit ambiguous, in terms of whether you meant when the kids were busy or back (“settled” would suggest back?)

But then I also know that it wouldn’t matter with my DH - if we are kid free, we would be spending time together unless one said something like “I think I’m going to use the spa” and the other didn’t really fancy doing that.