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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be massively offended by this?

186 replies

jonesome · 26/06/2021 01:21

Family holiday with my partner and our kids for the first time (live in the US so can travel to another state for trips).

He has 3 kids, I have 2. We have separate hotel rooms on the same hotel complex.

Completely unexpectedly we got 3 hours without the any of kids yesterday after the stars aligned.

Told him to text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity.

Obviously quite excited for some alone time.

Almost three hours later I'd heard nothing from him. Then 10 mins before the kids were all returning, he text to ask where I fancied meeting with the kids for dinner later.

When I asked what he'd been up to he said he'd had a lovely 3 hours. Hot tub, went for a nice walk, read his book.

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.

Am I being unreasonable to be super offended? Can't decide whether it's worth saying something to him or if I'm being high maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
jonesome · 26/06/2021 04:25

@NiceGerbil

You're on holiday is that right?

Who had the kids?

Tbh I think I'd need some downtime if I was on hols with 5 children. Some people just need that.

With all due respect (and I apologise if I misread your tone) but why is the location of the kids relevant? I'm always curious why people ask such questions on MN. It feels like they're looking for a reason to judge.

I assure you they weren't locked in a dark room or left with an unsavoury looking passer-by.

We're on holiday in a place with tons of scheduled kids's activities.

OP posts:
Original poster
jonesome · 26/06/2021 04:26

@Frannibananni

He’s not that into you, it’s just easier parent with another ( are your kids the same age)
This is my concern. I feel really offended. We spoke at length before we came about hoping we could find some alone time. I can only assume he's gone off me since we got here!
OP posts:
RickiTarr · 26/06/2021 04:31

I can only assume he's gone off me since we got here!

Hmm. I’ve thought more about your love life than is reasonable in the last five minutes. Grin Having gone through all the options I can think of, I’m thinking it’s some kind of performance anxiety? Because of the short time slot? Doing it in daylight (first time)? Some form of nerves anyway.

You’re dating. He knows what you look like. He chose to come on holiday with you. So it’s not you. It’s something to do with him.

DoNotEat · 26/06/2021 04:41

Did you just sit waiting for the man to text you?
He sounds dim.
I'd be pretty annoyed if we had 3hrs child free and someone agreed to spend it with me then read a book, hot tubbed and went for a walk.
Why didn't he just say that he wanted to be alone. Twat.

PerveenMistry · 26/06/2021 04:50

You call him your partner. Have you been dating long? Have you been alone together sans kids before this trip? Is this definitely a romantic relationship or could he just see you as a friend in a similar parenting situation?

Had you talked before the vacation about how to manage sexual interludes with the kids along?

MysweetAudrina · 26/06/2021 04:51

Surely the natural thing would been to have had the hot tub and walk together. I'd be pissed off that I spent my free time waiting for him and he was off relaxing without a care in the world.

Aprilx · 26/06/2021 04:54

@HoppingPavlova

I said 'great, I just need to get the kids off to xyz place. Text me when your kids are sorted and i'll be around!'

And there’s your problem. No man I know would be able to interprete that. You needed to say ‘text me when your kids are dropped off so we can meet and have some time together alone’. If you had of said that I’m sure he would have gladly done it. That’s what men need, implicit instruction, this is nothing new or specific to your DH.

I don’t agree with that. It seems clear that they would both be child free for a few hours, I would have thought very obvious to most people that this is an opportunity to spend time together (and doesn’t necessarily mean sex either). He chose not to bother, I would take that at face value, that he didn’t want to spend time with me.
Tophatorangebear · 26/06/2021 04:57

With all due respect (and I apologise if I misread your tone) but why is the location of the kids relevant

I get the impression you are easily offended OP.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/06/2021 05:10

@HoppingPavlova

I said 'great, I just need to get the kids off to xyz place. Text me when your kids are sorted and i'll be around!'

And there’s your problem. No man I know would be able to interprete that. You needed to say ‘text me when your kids are dropped off so we can meet and have some time together alone’. If you had of said that I’m sure he would have gladly done it. That’s what men need, implicit instruction, this is nothing new or specific to your DH.

What sexist rubbish! My DH wouldn’t need explicit instructions because he’s not an idiot.

OP’s parting words to her DP were a little ambiguous. It would have been better to have said, “Let’s meet at X when the kids are all settled in their clubs.” He could have said no then if he wanted time alone.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/06/2021 05:11

@Tophatorangebear

With all due respect (and I apologise if I misread your tone) but why is the location of the kids relevant

I get the impression you are easily offended OP.

Yes, that’s what’s coming across OP.

The location of your children matters because it may mean they’re all busy at the same time again on the holiday. If they are, use the time to read a book, soak in the hot tub and go for a walk.

ShinyMe · 26/06/2021 05:16

But were you talking about "alone time" or about "couple time" (or variant of that)? If you'd told me you were looking forward to alone time, it would not occur to me that you meant you wanted me there too, I'd assume you wanted time on your own away from everyone.

VroomVrooom · 26/06/2021 05:20

@NiceGerbil

You're on holiday is that right?

Who had the kids?

Tbh I think I'd need some downtime if I was on hols with 5 children. Some people just need that.

Bizarre question. Presumably someone they entrusted the kids with.

OP - did you not contact him in that three hours to see what he was doing / when he’d be ready? Or did you just wait out the full three hours in your hotel room?

HoppingPavlova · 26/06/2021 05:26

What sexist rubbish! My DH wouldn’t need explicit instructions because he’s not an idiot.

Sexist as it may be, I’d bet good money that if the OP had of said that then the outcome would have been completely different.

cupsofcoffee · 26/06/2021 05:29

I think if you wanted to spend that time with him specifically, you should have said something like "great! Why don't I meet you at x in twenty minutes?"

Your comment to him was vague - maybe he thought you were going to text him and you didn't, so he amused himself instead?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 26/06/2021 05:40

I'd be unbelievably offended in your position and no, my boyfriend wouldn't need explicit instructions that 3 hours child free on holiday means we do something nice together and take the chance for a shag. Because he's not a complete idiot.
OP you must speak to him about it or it will spur the mood. If that were me I'd probably make zero effort to spend time with him after that and wait for him to make the first move which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face so get it out in the open.
Even if you leave the sex plan out of it, hanging out in the hot tub and going for a nice walk are things to do TOGETHER on holiday not separately while you're in your hotel room waiting for him. What a prick.

VroomVrooom · 26/06/2021 05:43

Even if you leave the sex plan out of it, hanging out in the hot tub and going for a nice walk are things to do TOGETHER on holiday not separately while you're in your hotel room waiting for him. What a prick.

Abso-fckin-lutely.

BritWifeInUSA · 26/06/2021 06:12

Is he a single parent? If this was his first few hours without children in months then it’s understandable that he might have wanted some time alone in silence with just book. There’s always tomorrow.

Original poster
jonesome · 26/06/2021 06:13

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I'd be unbelievably offended in your position and no, my boyfriend wouldn't need explicit instructions that 3 hours child free on holiday means we do something nice together and take the chance for a shag. Because he's not a complete idiot. OP you must speak to him about it or it will spur the mood. If that were me I'd probably make zero effort to spend time with him after that and wait for him to make the first move which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face so get it out in the open. Even if you leave the sex plan out of it, hanging out in the hot tub and going for a nice walk are things to do TOGETHER on holiday not separately while you're in your hotel room waiting for him. What a prick.
Exactly. It's made me quite uncomfortable to be honest! Even if it's a miscommunication, surely still check in to see what I'm up to during those 3 hours??!!
OP posts:
Bumblenums1234 · 26/06/2021 06:27

I would have done what the dp did, a little bit of alone time is sometimes the best thing!

hawkehurstgang · 26/06/2021 06:28

I'd be really upset too, it would worry me if he's happy to do stuff with the kids but not alone that, like a PP said, he might just find life more pleasant with another parent to parent together, raise kids together, do activities together... Not saying he doesnt like you, just that I'd be worried the thing he likes was more the situation and the pleasantness of having someone to raise kids with rather than being really super ibto you personally. (again, I'm definitely not saying this is the case, just that this is what I'd worry about if it were me. But i do tend to overthink!)

MarianneUnfaithful · 26/06/2021 06:35

You have to speak to him about this, otherwise you will be second guessing and feeling offended and so on for the rest of the holiday and beyond. Only he can give you the answer, all we can do is second guess.

Be direct and honest but it doesn’t have to start as a show down:

“Actually I am feeling a little bit bruised and confused after yesterday… I was looking forward to those 3 hours with you, perhaps up close and personal. Did you have a different understanding?”

Tiramiwho · 26/06/2021 06:37

Looking at it from the outside, I would say that your gut instinct is correct. He knew precisely what you meant and, rather than be upfront and tell you straight that he would prefer to do his own thing ( risk offending you ) he chose to play dumb and ignore your invite. If he wanted to spend time with you, wouldn't he have thought to ask you himself?
I would take it as a sign that he's just not that into me, watch how things progress and take it as a flag for now.
He could just love his own time and you will need to accommodate that if you stay togetherFlowers

Whinginadeville · 26/06/2021 06:38

Honestly he's either selfish, inconsiderate or just not that into you or probably all 3. This would really upset me and I'd be friend zoning him if I were you

Cryalot2 · 26/06/2021 06:47

I would be offended too. But men think different from us.
Rather than upset yourself more you need to ask him. Perhaps he got engrossed in his book which can happen.
Either way he owes you an honest explanation. Flowers

MrsDoctorDear · 26/06/2021 07:05

Did you actually sit there for 3 hours waiting?

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