To be massively offended by this?

[jonesome]

Family holiday with my partner and our kids for the first time (live in the US so can travel to another state for trips).

He has 3 kids, I have 2. We have separate hotel rooms on the same hotel complex.

Completely unexpectedly we got 3 hours without the any of kids yesterday after the stars aligned.

Told him to text me as soon as he got his kids settled at their activity.

Obviously quite excited for some alone time.

Almost three hours later I'd heard nothing from him. Then 10 mins before the kids were all returning, he text to ask where I fancied meeting with the kids for dinner later.

When I asked what he'd been up to he said he'd had a lovely 3 hours. Hot tub, went for a nice walk, read his book.

We went on to have a perfectly lovely evening together with the kids but no mention of the fact he just disappeared during our 'free' time and didn't contact me.

Am I being unreasonable to be super offended? Can't decide whether it's worth saying something to him or if I'm being high maintenance.

I do not think he misunderstood - obviously none of us know but to me all kids busy and 3 hours free - even if he wanted some "alone" time, why not just say to you? To wander off on a family holiday when it is rare to have some adult time alone is off to me OP and I'd not be happy

‘All he seems to think about is when he can listen to his next podcast.’

It makes me so angry on behalf of the partners of these men when I hear stuff like this. What IS it with them?!!

What did you say exactly? Could easily have been a miscommunication, especially seeing he did text you when his kids were finished or "sorted".

Maybe he was mortally offended that you told him you didn't want to see him in the three hours you both were child free and he could only contact you when they were back. Only difference he made the best of it with a walk etc.

Why didn't you just:

• call or text him during the three hours?
• ask him during your lovely evening instead of not mentioning it?

I don't think you need to be massively offended. A simple 'Hey, I thought we were meeting up?' would have been enough to communicate your position. You also could have contacted him during those 3 hours.

You're on holiday to enjoy yourselves, don't ruin it by being upset. Ask him to hang out the next time the opportunity arises and be a bit more clear.

I think it’s difficult to comment without understanding the full context of your relationship.
You call him a partner, but have you progressed beyond just dating to a physical relationship? Would this have been the first time you had sex, was it your expectation that this ‘alone’ time was going to be a chance to progress the relationship?
For me the phrase ‘alone’ time would be spent on my own, did you make it clear you were planning on spending this time together?
I can’t imagine not chatting to a partner about spending the precious 3 hours child free together, whether that’s getting physical, doing a activity together, or just chilling.
Surely most people would have said something when you met up later, like ‘what happened, I was waiting for you to text so we could enjoy the 3 hours together?’
Why are you staying in separate rooms, are the children very young so they are sharing your rooms?

Is this the first misunderstanding like this in your relationship?

"My kids and I are on a joint holiday with my partner and his kids - I have two and he has three. I do love my kids, but they're full on. Amazingly, I got the chance for a bit of desperately-needed me-time, when the kids were looked after at a club; so did my partner, as his kids were there too. My kids run me ragged. I so massively needed this opportunity to relax and recharge my batteries for three hours - I was absolutely exhausted. Trouble is, though, that my partner seized on this golden child-free time and all he wanted was to spend the whole time having sex and being otherwise active, when my body just needed to shut down and relax. Good for him if his kids are less full-on, but mine are a complete handful. AIBU to need some downtime and not be expected to spend precious child-free relaxation time with him expecting me to perform, swinging from the chandeliers and just in my face all the time? Of course, I love him very much, but AIBU in thinking that it's my holiday too, and he has no right to deny me one very rare opportunity to just take things easy and put myself first - just for one afternoon? He seemed convinced that I'd be up for a wild, exhausting sex session, but I just couldn't. I knew that if I told him I didn't want to, he'd be really offended and accuse me of not wanting to spend time with him; but it's not that at all. He actually phrased it as 'alone time' - WIBU to just think of myself on this one rare occasion and figure that, if he questioned me later, tell him that he said 'alone time', so I assumed he was doing the same as me?"

I'd be hurt and offended too.

I think you need to have a chat about it OP. Its either crossed wires and misinterpretation on his part or he knew what he was doing.

I am sorry but you don't go on holiday with your relatively knew partner knowing full well that all kids will be in activities for three hours and bot take a chance to spend time together. I am not overly sure he is that bothered about this OP. Id talk to him and take it from there.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

"My kids and I are on a joint holiday with my partner and his kids - I have two and he has three. I do love my kids, but they're full on. Amazingly, I got the chance for a bit of desperately-needed me-time, when the kids were looked after at a club; so did my partner, as his kids were there too. My kids run me ragged. I so massively needed this opportunity to relax and recharge my batteries for three hours - I was absolutely exhausted. Trouble is, though, that my partner seized on this golden child-free time and all he wanted was to spend the whole time having sex and being otherwise active, when my body just needed to shut down and relax. Good for him if his kids are less full-on, but mine are a complete handful. AIBU to need some downtime and not be expected to spend precious child-free relaxation time with him expecting me to perform, swinging from the chandeliers and just in my face all the time? Of course, I love him very much, but AIBU in thinking that it's my holiday too, and he has no right to deny me one very rare opportunity to just take things easy and put myself first - just for one afternoon? He seemed convinced that I'd be up for a wild, exhausting sex session, but I just couldn't. I knew that if I told him I didn't want to, he'd be really offended and accuse me of not wanting to spend time with him; but it's not that at all. He actually phrased it as 'alone time' - WIBU to just think of myself on this one rare occasion and figure that, if he questioned me later, tell him that he said 'alone time', so I assumed he was doing the same as me?"

Weirdly, some people mutually enjoy having sex with each other regularly and don't see it as a chore! I know that might be hard to believe

This is absolutely ridiculous.

No man I know would be able to interprete that.

do you only know idiot men? No man i know would understand that any other way than "great, we have alone time without the children" or at least "ok, do you have plans?" or "ok, but i really fancied some me time - can we meet with the kids later for dinner"

Your bar isn't low, it's subterranean

Yup op, I would be hurt and offended by this for sure. You’ve not even been together that long - he should want to spend alone time with you, with or without a shag (preferably with). If it was me, I would absolutely think he’s not that into me and Its more a convenience thing with the kids. You seriously need to bottom this one out or it will continue to worry you.

@Brefugee

No man I know would be able to interprete that.

do you only know idiot men? No man i know would understand that any other way than "great, we have alone time without the children" or at least "ok, do you have plans?" or "ok, but i really fancied some me time - can we meet with the kids later for dinner"

Your bar isn't low, it's subterranean

My man would already be thinking happily about the sex we would be having in our precious free time The infantilising of men is depressing

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

The location of your children matters because it may mean they’re all busy at the same time again on the holiday. If they are, use the time to read a book, soak in the hot tub and go for a walk.
Please tell me how you are able to confidently infer the future schedule of two strangers' children on holiday simply by being told that they were in an organised children's activity today?

You can't
It is an irrelevant question and nothing to do with what the OP asked. Plus your tit-for-tat recommendation isn't exactly helpful

@jonesome you need to talk to you DP - ask why he didn't text you
But also have a think about what you did - if you sat in the hotel room stewing and waiting for him to text then that's pretty sulky. You could easily have messaged him.

In the nicest way I wonder if this is really about something else - do you feel insecure in the relationship? Is your DP generally disengaged?

Yes I would be upset. I disagree that he didn't understand my DH and any other man would have realised that was the chance for child free sex!

@SilverBirchWithout

I think it’s difficult to comment without understanding the full context of your relationship. You call him a partner, but have you progressed beyond just dating to a physical relationship? Would this have been the first time you had sex, was it your expectation that this ‘alone’ time was going to be a chance to progress the relationship? For me the phrase ‘alone’ time would be spent on my own, did you make it clear you were planning on spending this time together? I can’t imagine not chatting to a partner about spending the precious 3 hours child free together, whether that’s getting physical, doing a activity together, or just chilling. Surely most people would have said something when you met up later, like ‘what happened, I was waiting for you to text so we could enjoy the 3 hours together?’ Why are you staying in separate rooms, are the children very young so they are sharing your rooms?

We most definitely have progressed to a physical relationship!. I stay at his at least 2 times a week (while kids are with the respective exes) and we have sex every time.

We actually had a theoretical conversation before the trip about how great it would be if we get some alone time.

That said, we aren't an overly romantic or touchy-feely couple.

@KrisAkabusi or am just in a relationship where we can joke and tease each other these things…Either or 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you need to be massively offended.

Not sure you really understand how this whole MN thing works.

I think if he'd understood your meaning but chose not to take you up on it then he'd have been making excuses eg oh sorry, I was shattered and fell asleep/lost track of time/needed to recharge on my own, rather than just tell you straight that he'd had a lovely time doing xyz.

Yanbu, I couldn't stand to have an evening out with someone who just stood me up, especially without mentioning it.

Some people just need more explicit messages. Maybe he had made a plan for himself when he booked his kids into their activity - maybe he booked the hot tub at that point so already had his afternoon planned out and so couldn't see your new plan properly.

I say this as a person who misunderstands other people's requests and I am sometimes surprised when people are waiting for me as I just didn't realise I'd been expected to attend.

Is he American? and you? As American communication may need to be more direct than other cultures. I often had miscommunications with my American friend when I thought id been perfectly clear she would say So? What do you want, can you be more explicit?

have you even said to him 'well as we had 3 hours child free, i'd hoped we could have spent it together" and explained thats what you meant?

Or have you just been offended and quietly fuming, you know, rather than actually communicating with him about it?

The thing is, it doesn't sound like a definite arrangement, to me anyway. You told him to text when his kids were sorted. Did he actually answer in the way you expected ie "yeah sure, I'll text as soon as they've gone then you can come over and we can have some fantastic sex".

Or did he just say "yeah" or something?!

He should have been up front about needing some time alone if that's what he wanted because then you could have enjoyed your three hours too. Unfortunately you are not rested, you are bloody annoyed!

I imagine he isn't used to having his kids 24/7 and felt alone time was more needed than sex! .

@Bumblenums1234

I would have done what the dp did, a little bit of alone time is sometimes the best thing!

I agree. Five kids in the mix. Who wouldn’t want to be in a quiet place without voices. Or anyone expecting you to do something for them, to them or with them.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I'd be unbelievably offended in your position and no, my boyfriend wouldn't need explicit instructions that 3 hours child free on holiday means we do something nice together and take the chance for a shag. Because he's not a complete idiot. OP you must speak to him about it or it will spur the mood. If that were me I'd probably make zero effort to spend time with him after that and wait for him to make the first move which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face so get it out in the open. Even if you leave the sex plan out of it, hanging out in the hot tub and going for a nice walk are things to do TOGETHER on holiday not separately while you're in your hotel room waiting for him. What a prick.

I agree with this. He's a prick! Surely there's hardly a man on earth in a relatively new relationship who would pass on an invitation to meet up as soon as the kids were out of sight. Don't sit on this @jonesome. Ask him what the hell he was thinking leaving you hanging for 3 hours.