To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

[LoubyLouLou22]

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

You’re not rich. Don’t pretend to be, or you’ll be paying for this for a long time, and give unrealistic expectations right from the start, it could take longer to pay it off than the time spent married.

So START with the guest list. Look at who you want to share this with from the beginning and then work out what money you have and then see where your our budget will stretch

The whole industry that’s been created around wedding is obscene

All of this - so wise.

Your wedding should reflect and celebrate who you are, not some vulgar show which you can’t really afford.

The liveliest wedding parties I’ve been to have been held in family homes and gardens, or community halls. I’ve helped family do the flowers, make the dresses, and also the puddings for the wedding breakfast. Lovely lovely weddings which were a celebration of who the couple really were. Not some pretend lifestyle.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with this.... It gives parents an option to either sort out childcare or bring kids but pay for food.

However I am intrigued at the fact having childcare would double your costs? Surely your venue aren't charging the same for children that they are for adults? For our children are a quarter of the price of an adult. If they are, I'd be questioning this.

@Micemakingclothes

Decide who is important to have at your wedding, figure out what you can afford, and then find a way to throw a wedding to make all your guests feel welcome and happy. You don’t have to have a fancy reception to be a gracious host.

Agree.

YABVU. In my opinion You either;

1. Have an adult only wedding

1. Have a smaller wedding you can afford

1. Pay for everyone

It's your wedding but you are going Tod piss people off if you do you suggestion and they may think differently of you due to poor decision making. Just being honest x

YABVU

1. Find a new hobby

Ooh. That’s super rude. Makes me cringe with embarrassment at the thought of doing that. Just invite fewer people if that’s what you can afford.

Do you want the children at your wedding, @LoubyLouLou22? I suspect not.

Just no

I would really resent this. It's expensive enough to go to a wedding as it is when you factor in clothes, gift, travel and accommodation (if it isn't local). I would be thoroughly pissed off.

Can you create a kids area at the venue? Have kids food and an entertainer or magician etc? Cost a couple of hundred pounds and help create a great day for all ?

@ChubbyMsSunshine

I have a child and wouldn't be offended by this in the slightest.

If I can't sort out childcare then it's a practical and fair option and I'd be happy to pay for my child.

There hasn't been a single wedding I've been to since I had my son where he would have been a valued guest on his own merit - he's invited because the couple want me there. Why should they pay for him?

So you think that guests should pay for partners and plus ones meals too then. It’s exactly the same they want you there not your partner or plus one .

I would really enjoy a wedding invitation which explicitly stated that I didn't have to come and that no offense would be taken. I just want to mention in case it gives you a bit of perspective on things.

Tbh I think it's all down to who your friends are and what is important to them. If you know them well, as I'm sure you do, then you will be able to chat to them individually and find a solution that makes you all happy.

If you can't afford to pay for the children, invite fewer people. It would go down better than asking for people to pay to attend your wedding, which is what you are doing to the people with children.

I would have been totally happy with an invite like this. One of the best weddings I went to, were all took a dish of food and there was so much for of every variety it was great. At the end of the day, your wedding day is spent with the friends and family who know you best and they will all presumably know you well enough to understand you do not have unlimited funds but want to see as many people as possible. I don't know why people are so snobby about weddings.

Just invite less people generally.

Best wedding I ever went to was in the Sally Army Hall. We all brought something for the table and our own drink. A marriage is for two people, a wedding is for everyone else. Cut your cloth op.

I understand your reasons but I personally wouldn't. I think you either invite children or you don't. To be honest, unless your friends have no other choice but to bring them, I bet many would love a child free day at a wedding. If a friend invited us to a wedding and included our son, I would definitely leave him with grandparents. Have you looked into have many would actually bring their children?
I was bridesmaid for my cousins wedding years ago. One of 4 bridesmaids. She asked me to pay for the dress she had chosen - £350!!!!! I did it because I felt like I'd been put in a really awkward position and didn't want to cause any upset but I wasn't happy about it at all. Was a lot of money for me at that time. I'm sure you wouldn't be charging much for children but it can make people feel awkward, especially if their finances are tight. Just worth thinking about.

@Boomisshiss It's not the same at all!

Partners are usually only invited if the couple getting married have met or know them.

Even if they haven't, an adult guest is a lot more likely to appreciate the day and the occasion compared to a child. They don't talk during the ceremony, they make conversation with other guests on the table, they buy drinks (if it's a paid bar). Much more value to be had from an adult guest than a child!

Invite fewer people and have a wedding that is within your means.

I think it sounds a bit ‘off’.

@LipstickLou

Best wedding I ever went to was in the Sally Army Hall. We all brought something for the table and our own drink. A marriage is for two people, a wedding is for everyone else. Cut your cloth op.

Alcohol? I've organised a few events in our SA hall, never any alcohol allowed, which does rather restrict the people who want to go to e.g. a quiz or a barn dance.

I do agree that those kinds of weddings are the best, but they do need a bit of drink to go with a swing IME.

I think the problem is, attending a wedding can be expensive and a logistical issue - you may have a long drive, you may need to stay in a hotel, you may need to spend money on smart clothes and to buy a present. That’s all expected. It isn’t really expected to be charged by the bride and groom for the inconvenience of having your children with you (it is obviously an inconvenience, as otherwise you wouldn’t be charged for it). You should either invite children and ensure they are entertained and fed as guests, or should not invite them at all. Anything else is just advertising the fact it is not a family-friendly wedding, but you will tolerate children for a fee. Given the amount of money guests will already be shelling out to attend the wedding, it doesn’t come across brilliantly, despite the fact the reality may be it’s cheaper to pay the bride and groom to let your kids come than to pay a babysitter to look after them. Why pay for kids to he bored as hell at a wedding clearly aimed at adults?

I think you should just have a child free wedding and accept some people may not be able to be there. Don’t invite less adults so you can invite people’s children who you have no relationship with and possibly haven’t even met, that is silly.

[quote ChubbyMsSunshine]@Boomisshiss It's not the same at all!

Partners are usually only invited if the couple getting married have met or know them.

Even if they haven't, an adult guest is a lot more likely to appreciate the day and the occasion compared to a child. They don't talk during the ceremony, they make conversation with other guests on the table, they buy drinks (if it's a paid bar). Much more value to be had from an adult guest than a child! [/quote]
I disagree completely. I think you are children confused with toddlers . Many children over 3 are capable of doing all those things. Staying quiet during the ceremony and having conversations with adults. Plus what difference does it make to the bride and groom if guests buy alcohol at the bar ? Not like they are getting a cut of the profits .

No you can't. You just need to narrow your numbers down. Either by blanket kids ban or by choosing more carefully

*confusing children that should say