To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

[LoubyLouLou22]

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

Organise the wedding you can afford. You cannot charge guests!

Cheaper weddings are fine, no lack of options, sending a bill to the guests, really is not.

If I received an invitation like this, I'd leave my DD at home and enjoy a child free wedding. While trying hard not to be offended.

However, I'd be silently judging every expense the bride and groom had made - why on earth have they had Orders Of Service printed? Who needs 4 bridesmaids? Couldn't she have done her own make up? How come they're going to Antigua for their honeymoon yet couldn't afford £10 for a child's meal? Why are they serving champagne rather than Prosecco? Surely the favours cost more than a child's meal would have etc etc.

This wouldn't bother me at all and I think my friends would appreciate the straight forwardness of it! I would rather have the option to pay rather than no children at all, and very likely will be a lot less than childcare... I assume you're not talking a huge cost per head here!

No way would I do this. Weddings are massively expensive for guests - outfit, travel, accommodation, presents - and even without gifts the travel etc really adds up.

Either have a kids free wedding, and some people can't come or pay for the kids. How much could it really cost per head for a kids meal/no alcohol.

Have the wedding you can actually afford - and cut back on other stuff.

Presumably your guests are people who you know and love and do actually speak to.

I would probably get in touch with each family to speak about it individually and establish if they actually plan to bring their kids. I'd be a bit miffed if my friend sent a blanket invite as you suggest, but wouldn't be offended by a discussion/explanation. Now my wee one is 3, we wouldn't generally bring her to a wedding anyway and would be happy to leave her with GPs for the weekend.

You might find that lots of your guests wouldn't plan to bring their kids anyway.

This is going to sound mean OP. Im sorry, but perhaps if this is how I would perceive it, so would many of your guests?
Here’s my honest guesstimate of how I would feel if I received an invite like that. I can’t help but think my thought process would go something like this……..

Blimey, @LoubyLouLou22 must think an awful lot of herself to imagine I might want to PAY to attend her wedding! I know it’s a most important day to her, but errr no thanks.
None of us will go, problem solved, the cheeky mare!

PS. I went to a Chinese wedding where it was the custom to give the couple the money to cover the cost of your dinner etc. (they even hand out red envelopes for it). I guess you could give more if you're close to the family but covers the situation of inviting large extended families, kids etc.

I wouldn't be offended by this in the slightest.
A child free wedding would be next to impossible for us to attend.
It's a good middle ground.

Hummmm I would either say 'no children' or try to talk with your guests. In my wedding people didn't have a 'plus one' unless they were married (not that many). You know your guests

How are you going to get the money for the kids BTW? Go through the RSVPs, ask for a confirm of kids coming or not, send everyone your bank details? ' SO that's one 8 year old, 1 x 10 year old, so you owe me £11.60' her my bank dets'. Or would you rather have cash on the day??
Are you going to chase up people who forget to pre-pay for their children?
Fecks sake. How to complicate and create bad feeling around an event that is already complicated to arrange.
Is it HONESTLY going to be worth the, what? £100, £200, £300? you claw back from your closest friends and family?

Also.. as a kid, I loved weddings and pretty much anything with a ceilidh ... so would be sad later in life if I found my parents had been to a bunch of these type of things without me just so they could have an adult night! I think weddings should be a family community affair, not just an opportunity to ditch the kids.

Weddings now are so ridiculous. I'm glad I got married a long time ago. We had about 10 under 3's at our wedding and they were lovely, kids really cost next to nothing. Get rid of some of the extras people seem to need now and pay for the kids.

@kindaclassy

Organise the wedding you can afford. You cannot charge guests!

Cheaper weddings are fine, no lack of options, sending a bill to the guests, really is not.

This!

You're the one getting married....why are you charging people to see it happen? You can't charge people for a party you are throwing...it's very ungracious.

God no.
Have the wedding you can afford.

You do have the option of saying kids of close family only, like your sibs etc or babes in arms. I've been to a few like that, which was fine. Though DP had to stay home on 2 occasions for the kids. If those same people had said bring kids but pay for them I would have decline the invite - given that I'd already be paying to get the kids there, a bigger room for us all and something for them to wear - it would have tipped me into the 'oh do F off dear' catergory.
OP - one day, a few years from your wedding, perhaps when you have kids, you'll look back and realise that wedding s really do have a weird affect on you at the time of planning! What seems sooooo important in the run up suddenly becomes nothing and the things you remember the fondest are often the littlest, spontaneous things...

Op is having the wedding she can afford, but she's saying if you want to bring someone else, that's OK, but she doesn't have the budget for them.

Why should op not invite her friend to make room for someone's child??:

In real life OP probably no one would comment and either be happy to pay or politely decline. However this is mumsnet where you will be crucified for even considering it!

The OP said some of her guests were travelling a long way so not really just a few hours childcare is it.

God that's terrible.No way would people understand that and be willing to pay

No you cannot ask people to pay for their kids. You can however not invite kids. It's one thing having family kids at a wedding but there is no need to stretch to inviting friends kids. Our kids have never been invited to our friends weddings.

I think it’s fine. Most people will understand. They know that their children are only ever a tag-along at a wedding. It’s a very reasonable proposition, and generous to those with children too.

I love how people are describing children at a wedding as tag alongs. Glad I think more highly of my nieces and nephews and god children than that . Wow just wow.

I wouldn't mind this at all. We don't have free childcare so an invite to a distant wedding childfree is effectively a request to pay several hundred pounds for childcare or don't come. I'd much prefer someone understood the potential challenge of coming childfree and offered an alternative. At 7, I'd especially love it if child entertainment was included - at 4 or under I wouldn't have wanted that.

Organise a wedding you can afford. People shell enough out to attend a wedding, new outfits, transport, hen/stag do, accommodation, gift.....
I think it is really rude to even suggest people have to pay for their children to attend. Just make it child free if you really can't afford it. Surely it doesn't cost that much for a child? I think we paid about £20 each.