To think that parents don’t often know how shitty their dc’s behaviour is at school

[SpaceRaiders]

Dd9 moved to a new school in March. Whilst we’re happy with the school in other areas, she’s found the boys in her class a real challenge. I’ve heard nothing bad things from her since. From disruptive classes, shouting out and swearing to low level bullying. There seems to be the same boys being disruptive but seemingly the entire class gets reprimanded.

I’m guessing the other parents aren’t fully aware what’s going on during school. They certainly will after today’s incident, where a parent has found out about some awful things that have been said and kicked off on WhatsApp. I won’t go into details as it may be outing for all involved. But I’ve been really appalled by what I’m hearing and it’s completely unexpected from the lovely well to do area that we live in. I’d be absolutely appalled if it were my child.

Why do you think that the parents don't know?

I don't really understand why you have bothered to post about this?

@tessiegirl I was just thinking out aloud after taking to a friend of mine with similar issues at her school.

if this doesn’t resonate, you’re not obliged to post a responce.

I guess if they knew, you’d think the parents would be doing something about it. Surely bullies must be bullies at home too.

Parents can't know how their children behave in school all the time, that's not a surprise is it?

Maybe they know and are trying to do something about it, maybe they don't, maybe they know and don't care, all families are different. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors

You say it was unexpected but your aibu is that it happens often?

I agree with you. I find when children are younger parents tend to think that their little Jonny wouldn't behave badly and then suddenly when they hit teenage years and parents are surprised to find out that their terror of a teen is kind, polite and helpful when not at home.

@tessiegirl

I don't really understand why you have bothered to post about this?

I don’t really understand why you bothered to post the above. It’s unhelpful and contributes nothing.

@SpaceRaiders

I guess if they knew, you’d think the parents would be doing something about it. Surely bullies must be bullies at home too.

Maybe the parents were/are bullies too so aren't all that nice either

The worst kids are often the ones with parents who think they are angels.

I expect the school to inform me if my child says or does anything unacceptable. I trust them to deal with most things though.

I expect there is a lot of unkind/inappropriate chat that the teachers are unaware of though.

I teach my child to think of others and be kind, I hope/believe it is getting through but I suppose I don't fully know. From monitoring her phone nothing too awful is going on, and when someone is unkind usually some awesome little person calls them out on it.

There seems to be the same boys being disruptive but seemingly the entire class gets reprimanded

Your school is shit, I recommend moving, of course a school which has a whole class punishment behaviour policy is not going to get good behaviour.

And no, I don't believe that's normal.

How do tou know the parents don't know?

I work in an SEMH school and I honestly don't think the general public would believe how volatile our children's behaviour is/can be. Very violent and unpredictable outbursts, aggressive swearing, very sexual and inappropriate language, drug use, knives brought in etc . I wouldn't work anywhere else and truely adore and want to help/inspire those I teach BUT I would say some of the parents (most of our students are in care) are useless and when we phone to say something like 'child A was in crisis today. They tried to stab another child, then bit, punched and kicked 2 staff members...' we get responses like 'well they're your problem when they're with you'. After being in mainstream for 15 years I can honestly say the vast majority of 'bad' behaviour in class really isn't very bad at all.... Everyone should be aware of the reality of an SEMH school. That's where the 'bad' behaviour is. But, they're the children who really need our help too.

@tessiegirl why not just scroll on by??
OP I don't always think parents have a clue about what goes on in the classroom or what their little darlings are up to .school/home communication can be crap. :/

I’m just very frustrated. I guess you can never truly know a cohort until you’ve joined a school.

My expectation was that as the school performed better academically and has a very nurturing, supportive ethos. It would be fair to expect them to have a handle on this kind of thing, but it seems this particular class of boys is just not very nice.

Op your post is pretty judgemental to be honest.

The parents may be aware of their child’s behaviour, punish their child at home, seek to support them and set a good example.

The child (being capable of independent thought) may decide to ignore that and choose to behave in a disruptive way, despite the parents trying to work with the child and the school to stop the behaviour.

If a parent is “kicking off on WhatsApp” then that says more about them than anything else. Are they incapable of a calm and measured response to a child’s behaviour? Or are they one of those who love slagging little kids off on the internet?

I think YABU as even when their behaviour at school is terrible the behaviour will often still be managed better there than at home. Many parents are in denial about their children’s behaviour - I’ve seen a child kick their parent and they just laughed it off as though it was a game - and some just don’t care.

Perhaps it’s more that some parents find it difficult to accept that their child is disruptive/ unpleasant/ cruel etc. Maybe the child behaves very differently at home and they struggle to believe that their child can be badly behaved at school. Some also believe their child does no wrong, despite evidence to the contrary.

Some parents know and are trying hard to sort it or don’t care. But most really don’t know or don’t want to know. You’d probably be quite surprised how your DD behaves/speaks to friends.
I spoke to a parent recently because her son had been in a fight and they would not accept it as he is not the type to fight and he must have been beaten up, even though they saw the CCTV of him beating up the other kid and the other kid not retaliating at all.

Unless the school is informing them they wouldn't know.
I'm sure lots of minor messing goes on, teachers can't report on everything.
It sounds like it was serious?

Why shouldn’t she judge if her child’s education is constantly disrupted?

Parents can’t know fully unless the school speak to parents - some parents don’t give a crap anyway. When they are in school it’s schools problem. Times have changed and so have attitudes towards schools and staff.

I agree. Ds started a new school in September. His bully’s mum runs his year groups Whatsapp. Seemingly oblivious of her son’s behaviour.
Ds has such bad anxiety he has had two separate ECGs due to chest pain, plus blood tests. All clear thank god, but caused by anxiety.
This boy would constantly walk up to Ds and whisper horrible stuff in his ear.

I agree OP. Lots of parents would be horrified at what goes on in some lessons. I used to work in schools so I have first hand experience. I was horrified when I started the job.

Be brave if a shitty child is being rude and disruptive to your DC say it.
I'm not on any parent Watsapp groups if I've any issues I message teachers on the school platform. Parent groups from schools are a disaster.