To think that parents don’t often know how shitty their dc’s behaviour is at school

[SpaceRaiders]

Dd9 moved to a new school in March. Whilst we’re happy with the school in other areas, she’s found the boys in her class a real challenge. I’ve heard nothing bad things from her since. From disruptive classes, shouting out and swearing to low level bullying. There seems to be the same boys being disruptive but seemingly the entire class gets reprimanded.

I’m guessing the other parents aren’t fully aware what’s going on during school. They certainly will after today’s incident, where a parent has found out about some awful things that have been said and kicked off on WhatsApp. I won’t go into details as it may be outing for all involved. But I’ve been really appalled by what I’m hearing and it’s completely unexpected from the lovely well to do area that we live in. I’d be absolutely appalled if it were my child.

@Happyhappyday and others.

I am concerned about my child being distressed at witnessing bullying, name calling and general negative behaviours from her cohort.

Respectfully, If you take that as a judgement about you or your parenting or child thats on you.

Lots of parents know and try to be helpful in stopping it.
Lots of parents know and don't care.
Lots of parents know and can't do anything about it.
Lots of parents don't really know/are a bit in denial.

@SpaceRaiders

I guess if they knew, you’d think the parents would be doing something about it. Surely bullies must be bullies at home too.

Your child reports the bullying to you because they are a victim. A guilty party will not raise this at home and risk drawing attention onto themselves and thus their parents remain in ignorant bliss.

And bullies at school are definitely not always bullies at home. My DD was bullied by a girl who was described as an angel by her teachers. Eventually the truth of what she was up to in the playground came out

In my experience as a teacher, lots of parents defend their children to the hilt, refusing to accept their children’s behaviour is problematic and continually blaming teachers. I have even had parents claim that their child asking questions such as ‘do you like cock?’ to the teacher shouldn’t be reprimanded because they thought cock meant chicken. I teach secondary school, they most certainly did not think that, but the parent even claimed they thought it meant that too

My youngest definitely tests a lot of boundaries at home . We have various different behavioural problems. School tell me that he is beautifully behaved when he is there.

I am just playing devils advocate here, but if you believe that school are not telling parents about their children's bad behaviour at home, and many parents find that their children are very different in different setting and circumstances, how do you know that your child is not behaving badly at school? I am sure that in your experience, your child is sensible, kind, hard working and generally lovely. What if the parents of the children who are badly behaved at school feel the same about their children?

They do know. They know because at 9 years old they will have seen this behaviour at some point (or many points) or they will have been told by other parents / teachers / club leaders.
However. There are a few types of parent. Some refuse to believe their child is in the wrong at all ever. There is always an excuse or justification. Their child is pretty much blameless and is really a victim.
Some know about the behaviour but excuse their child on the grounds of circumstance. Ie well theyve had a lot to cope with this year or we suspect he has adhd or similar, or it’s not surprising his behaviour is like this he hasn’t been sleeping well etc
Some know about the behaviour and want to correct it but don’t have the skills or patience to do so. They are often afraid of upsetting their child or making a scene so they let it slide time after time and probably always have done. The child doesn’t have firm boundaries, feels insecure because they are pretty much in charge. Children hate feeling like no one is in charge (except them) even if that’s not what they show on the surface.
Others know about the behaviour but literally couldn’t give a shit. They are bullies themselves and believe that it’s fine to treat someone weaker than yourself like crap. They think their child is sticking up for themselves and good for them for not being a doormat.

unexpected from the lovely well to do area we live in

Really OP? Because people with money know better and its people from low income households just cause trouble. I better go back to my hooliganism since I am poor.

My child is lovely at home but pushes every boundary going at school. I try to help but really, what am I supposed to do? He’s in the school’s care for seven hours a day

And yes you are being very snooty with your well to do comments.. come on

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

DS2 (8) has been on the waiting list for ASD/ADHD assessment since 2019. I know he can be a little shit at school but both myself and the school are struggling to manage his behaviour.

But thanks for making me feel even worse about it - I appreciate it.

But the other children in the class will see this and quite possibly talk about it at home. If they're mature enough they will realise that it's not the child's fault but - if it's disrupting their learning or they're getting hurt, surely they have a right to feel aggrieved? To be honest, in my experience, children are very accepting of difference but some of them may find aggressive behaviours, shouting and disrution very triggering and they have rights too.

Your child reports the bullying to you because they are a victim. A guilty party will not raise this at home and risk drawing attention onto themselves and thus their parents remain in ignorant bliss.

I used to think this way too - that a child wouldn't mention incidents they were involved in because they wouldn't want their parents to find out the truth. It was a real eye-opener when I discovered that these were the children who were running straight to the parents to tell them about what other children were supposedly doing!

My quiet, sensitive, sensible gets-on-with-everyone dd is coming home telling me that this person and that X was swearing at school, that Y child was in tears because someone said a mean thing, that she was prevented from playing a game because W and Z didn’t want her to join in or that X didn’t allow her to sit next to Y at lunch. I don’t generally involve myself with friendship spats between children but this seems a regular occurrence. And certainly coming from never really being concerned about her previously, I am starting to wonder if we made the right choice in school for*

This does not sound like an issue at all. These are children, they are learning about setting boundaries, being tactful, not taking things personally, group dynamics, getting along. All of what you have described here is normal learning process.

Dd you heard swearing that is not polite, I would be upset if you were swearing. Pauline didn't let Angela play. Hmm that is interesting I wonder if Pauline is having a bad day. Did you help Angela? Or tell Pauline it is unkind? Winnie and Louise wouldn't let you sit with them at lunch that is not nice. See how they are tomorrow but if the continue to be unkind sit with someone nicer.

Your kid talks to you be delighted at the opportunity to help her navigate and rationalise these situations, but it is nothing awful.

@Myothercarisalsoshit but the OP is implying parents are unaware. I'm all too aware of how DS behaves, have had to have multiple awkward conversations with parents whose children he's upset. I'm not excusing DS2 at all and it's mortifying.

OP totally get where you are coming from. My DS hated primary with a passion. He was a little different than the others in his class, was more academic, didn't like football all that much, quite the introvert etc. Yet he was stuck with the same children for 7 years.

Low level disruption and bullying was a constant which only got worse in years 5 and 6. The children who were the worst had parents that were usually quite intimidating as well (go figure) so other parents myself included found it very hard to say anything without it being thrown back at us 10 fold.

Secondary was the making of him. He found his people within a 210 pupil cohort. He is part of what is classed as the alternative crowd and I am very proud of him at 17 standing up to bullies and misogyny where ever he sees it.

Just talk to the school. I'd echo the previous comment that it sounds shit; whole class punishments are a massive red flag. Don't worry about what the other parents do or don't know; talk to the school about your DD's experiences, express your concern, ask what they're going to do about it. Really, really advise against thinking too deeply about others' parenting - you've no way of knowing what's going on for other families: the only bit you can control is pushing the school for change (and no more whole class punishments - really bad practice!).

If school doesn't tell you, you don't know. Or not the details at least.

Instead of making a assumption that parents don't know anything, you could have bee more proactive. Your dc is distraught. Your dc is reprimanded for something she didn't do. I would have talked to the teacher about it, rather than slagging other parent off, for what you have experienced from just one class.

DD moved schools because of this type of behavior. Chairs being thrown, children hitting teachers - kids never sent home. Constant disruption abs bullying (not DD but others) and they do very little about it because the parents don’t want to know.

@SpaceRaiders

To clarify, my post wasn’t about any child with additional needs as far as I am aware, but given it has been brought up, I will say this; your child’s needs doesn’t trump my child’s right to an education.

Ah, a Friday night post

And yes you are being very snooty with your well to do comments.. come on

Oh give me a break! All I meant was that we don’t live in inner city London, so all the social issues that a previous poster mentioned were less relevant.

It’s interesting how posters will dissect every word and extrapolate what they want from your posts to fit their own narrative. But that’s why I posted to gauge opinions.

@SpaceRaiders

To clarify, my post wasn’t about any child with additional needs as far as I am aware, but given it has been brought up, I will say this; your child’s needs doesn’t trump my child’s right to an education.

Oh dear. I had sympathy for you OP until you said that. Your comment shows that you have little understanding of additional needs and the effect they have on a children not only within school but into adulthood. I am shocked at your comment.

@JustLyra Not goady in the slightest.

I don’t mean to cause any offence but I care more about my own child’s well-being, than I do anyone else’s. Surely every parent feels the same?

I’m guessing the other parents aren’t fully aware what’s going on during school.

There was some truth in that for us. DS had a terrible time in reception. It was only talking to a TA/mum months later that I heard a lot of specifics - no one told me at the time. From yr1 onwards, Teachers would come up to us at least once a week with specific complaints plus parents would stop us in the street with completely different specific complaints.

it was all my fault because i couldn't control my child when he was in someone else's care and out of my sight, especially when people only told me days later and DS had forgotten all about the events. At 5-6yo he should have had perfect impulse control and I should have had 100% control over him at all times -- especially when I hadn't laid eyes on him in 2-5 hours.

Or so I believe. That's the standard other parents can easily keep to in controlling their children.

Same DS got constant comments in secondary school reports about how mature & polite he was. It's like suddenly I turned into another "good" parent after all.