AIBU to be upset about holiday?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

[Roodicus21]

Go on your own with the kids? Would your dh have a problem with that?
Sounds like your dh has used this as a really good reason not to go on this holiday.

[QueenBee52]

Good lord, the projection.

🤣

I stand by it.. Diane sound horrid 🌸

[Sittingonabench]

I think you’d regret it if you don’t go. I wouldn’t stay in the same household so that I had an exit strategy but I would go and join in meals etc. If this is about your father and remembering him, then focus on that. There will likely be friction at times but that’s life and you can control how you react and remove yourself from it. A bit of quiet contemplation will probably be good for you so being a bit outside is not necessarily a bad thing but space for you to connect with memories

[princesslarmadrama]

Simple. Husband stays home and you go on your own and spend some time with your family.

[LaLaLand888]

You have a DH problem entirely. Your mum can be friends with whoever she likes and she should absolutely not plan her life around the wants of a controlling arsehole who you chose to bring to her life. The history between them only affects them. Your DH is choosing to do this and effectively excluding you from the family because it forces you to choose him over them.

I don't know what other problems you have in your relationship but this is a massive red flag for abuse.

[Delatron]

What’s the accommodation set up? Just stay somewhere else but near and meet your mum and family without Diane. I don’t know why you all need to be on top of each other anyway.

[Abracadabra12345]

@Delatron

Are you all staying in the same place together? That’s a lot of people (especially as some don’t get on) siblings, friends etc. Doesn’t sound like a relaxing holiday. Can’t you go as a smaller group with your Mum another time?

I

I agree. It sounds like a nightmare. I know my DH would hate it so I’d find ways to make it work, such as has been suggested eg separate accommodation, minimal meetings. You create your own holiday.

Just how long is this anyway?

[Brefugee]

OP in your shoes I would remind my mum of what happened when she had the problems with Diane, how she felt, how long it took to get over it, and that Diane did this to a newly widowed friend.

And depending on your mum's answer/decision make your own mind up.
(I wouldn't go either but I would go to that place to remember your dad another time)

Do your siblings know the details?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

I just wanted to address a few points that people have made:

DH and I don't have any DC, in fact everyone going on this trip is an adult.

One of my siblings works in the same place as my Mum and Diane, my other sibling is very laid back. Both of their partners don't like Diane but they aren't as invested either way, they weren't in the family when the falling outs happened or when my Dad died so they are a bit detached from it and aren't as close with my Mum.

It wouldn't really work to go to the same place at the same time, you'd be tripping up over them constantly as it's only a small place, I also don't want to spoil things for my Mum and make things awkward for her or my siblings, or risk having DH and Diane kick off at each other over something. It's not just him, Diane doesn't like him either and tries to wind him up or get a reaction out of him. He never has reacted so far but I couldn't guarantee it wouldn't cause an argument to be in such close quarters with them for a week.

I know a few people have said they can't understand why DH is so invested in a friendship of my Mum's but it is complicated and I think you need to try and see it through the lens of our situation and not your own DH/MIL relationships. DH isn't trying to stop my Mum being friends with her, it's just neither of us would want to go on a holiday with her.

[theleafandnotthetree]

Oh my God OP you are frustrating, can you please address the question asked by a gazillion posters: WHY DON'T YOU GO ON YOUR OWN AND LEAVE YOUR (WIERDLY OVER-INVESTED HUSBAND AT HOME?

[NoSquirrels]

You’re upset because you feel your mum is prioritising Diane over you.

That is upsetting.

And if you’re all adults and no children about to dilute things I suppose it is hard.

So just accept this trip is not your chance to celebrate your dad. Be honest with your mum, and your siblings, that it won’t work with Diane in the mix so could you all plan to go another time just the 4 of you (you, 2x siblings, your mum)? And fix a date to do it.

[NoSquirrels]

@theleafandnotthetree

Oh my God OP you are frustrating, can you please address the question asked by a gazillion posters: WHY DON'T YOU GO ON YOUR OWN AND LEAVE YOUR (WIERDLY OVER-INVESTED HUSBAND AT HOME?

I think the latest update does make that clearer, actually. I suspect it’s because OP will feel odd bring single adult when everyone except her mum has people with them. I also can see why her DH might be more unhappy with Diane than other in-laws if they weren’t there at that time.

OP’s choice is really whether being left out herself from a family trip to that place is more upsetting than going alone and being possibly a bit uncomfortable.

But I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong.

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@theleafandnotthetree I thought I had addressed that?

I could go without DH, I have been away with my Mum just the two of us before. I just don't think I would have fun in that setting, I'd feel like an odd one out or a spare part.

It changes the whole dynamic, they have all been on holidays before, they are all good friends, they all drink a lot when they're together and I'm not that fussed about drinking. I can have a polite conversation with Diane but I don't like her or her DH. It just wouldn't be any fun for me. I don't know why that's so difficult to understand.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

[quote AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]@theleafandnotthetree I thought I had addressed that?

I could go without DH, I have been away with my Mum just the two of us before. I just don't think I would have fun in that setting, I'd feel like an odd one out or a spare part.

It changes the whole dynamic, they have all been on holidays before, they are all good friends, they all drink a lot when they're together and I'm not that fussed about drinking. I can have a polite conversation with Diane but I don't like her or her DH. It just wouldn't be any fun for me. I don't know why that's so difficult to understand.[/quote]
But that just sounds like you and your dh would separate yourselves from the main group and sit sulking like teenagers
Just spare the lot of them and DON'T GO!

[Delatron]

You’re all staying in the same house? Is that the plan? So why can’t you and DH stay somewhere else and just meet up with your family from time to time?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@GreyhoundG1rl of course we wouldn't! That's so rude of you to say.

[QueenBee52]

I hear you OP 🌸

[Cocomarine]

Your husband isn’t very nice, is he?
10 years you’ve been wanting to go back to this place where your dad’s ashes are scattered, and 10 years he hasn’t let you (though I don’t know why you haven’t gone alone or with your family) because it’s not a meaningful place for him? How selfish.

If you can bear Diane and he can’t, go without him.

[Branleuse]

cant you ask your mum wtf she is thinking inviting diane along without discussing it

[NoSquirrels]

It changes the whole dynamic, they have all been on holidays before, they are all good friends, they all drink a lot when they're together and I'm not that fussed about drinking.

Your mum (and probably the sibling she & Diane works with) have planned a holiday they will enjoy.

They don’t want the holiday you imagined.

So if you don’t want to join this holiday it is OK. Just reframe it in your mind. This is not “the 10th anniversary of Dad’s death” family trip. This is a holiday your mum and Diane are going on.

What you imagined you were being invited to is it what you were being invited to.

For whatever reason, in 10 years you, your siblings and your mum have not gone back yourselves. You say they’ve been lukewarm/non-commital. So perhaps you need to accept that the holiday you imagine isn’t appealing to them?

I can see why it hurts. But no one is categorically in the wrong here. So you have to find a way to accept it however is least upsetting for you.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Surely this holiday is your mums way of telling you and your husband to simply gt over whatever issues he has with this other person.

You , and your dh, are the only ones making this difficult.

She is your mums friend. If your mum wants to go on holiday with her and the rest of the family then isn't not your place to tell her not just to.

You can of course not go. But you really don't have a reason to be upset

[me4real]

Sounds like your dh has used this as a really good reason not to go on this holiday.

@AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies Rood makes a good point in that you know your DH doesn't like that area to the extent he refuses to go there with you at other times. Him not wanting to go there in general might have something to do with him not wanting to go there this time, or certainly will make him less keen to go. It's not very nice that he doesn't want to go with you to 'visit' your DDad at other times sometimes, really.

Most of us sometimes do stuff because we know it's really important to a partner, even if the area isn't our cup of tea. It's not just the area you'd be going there for, is it?

I could go without DH, I have been away with my Mum just the two of us before. I just don't think I would have fun in that setting

Ah ok. But don't phrase it as they didn't invite you/don't want you there. They want you there but you don't want to go because you don't think you'll enjoy it. So you might choose not to go, despite your family presumably wanting you to join them.
--
If you really don't want to go, maybe you could organize another trip with your DM and possibly others sometime?

[lockdownalli]

You sound absolutely exhausting OP.

[Ladylokidoki]

If the last big fall out was when your mum was grieving your dad, it was 8 - 10 years ago?

Your mum has decided she still wants to be friends with Diane. But for some reason your dh, who is only related to your mum through you is still so angry that he is happy for you to miss out on this trip, because he can't be civil?

There's a choice here. You go or you don't. I have never known an adults trip to be booked based on who fell out with who years ago. Everyone has been invited and everyone can go.

You keep coming up with reasons you can't go. But actually you can. You are choosing not to.

You haven't been left out you are just letting an old falling out and your dh, make your decision for you and then blaming everyone else.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

I would go but not for the whole week. Do a few days, have your time to remember your dad, then leave.

I'm also in the camp of finding it odd that your husband has taken such a strong stance on this.