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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about holiday?

159 replies

AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies · 25/06/2021 11:00

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 25/06/2021 12:56

It's very very strange that none of your siblings are remotely bothered by Diane, but your DH refuses to be in her company.
I'd be asking what exactly happened between the two of them, as him being this offended on behalf of your mother is too stupid to contemplate.

Heronwatcher · 25/06/2021 12:57

Goodness me! You haven’t been excluded, they have invited you. It’s your mum’s choice who else to invite. If you, or more accurately your DH, choose not to go then that’s fine but you can’t play the martyr. Can’t you just try to get on with your mum’s friends- sounds like she likes her and the more friends the better at her point in life. I’d go without DH and try to build bridges for your mum’s sake.

Sally872 · 25/06/2021 12:58

Your mum hasn't excluded you or Diane. It isn't your ideal scenario but you can go. It would be more hurtful to find out you weren't invited because Diane was going.

KeepingTrack · 25/06/2021 12:58

[quote AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]@helpfulperson they just don't get on. Diane doesn't like DH either. They just annoy each other and it's usually not an issue as we never see them normally. If my mum has, say a barbeque or something she either invites them or us. My siblings would go to either. It's not an issue, I wouldn't want to stop my Mum seeing her, we just don't want to.[/quote]
@AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies, I think you need to rephrase that.

Your DH just doesn’t want to and has major issues with Diane.
You. Are not coming across as having as strong feelings.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 13:02

@Sirzy

Do none of the other siblings feel so strongly given Diane is supposedly so horrible?
Indeed. One can't preclude the possibility that you and your DH are right and everyone else is wrong but you come across as quite sensitive and perhaps prickly. And you pay way too much mind to your husband's (oddly overinvested) inputs. If you do go, please go with and open heart and mind and with your focus where it should be and don't go around with a face on.
NoSquirrels · 25/06/2021 13:03

You are not unreasonable to feel upset Diane is invited and that changes the dynamic of the holiday you’d looked forward to.

You absolutely ARE unreasonable to say you’re being deliberated excluded - in fact you are excluding yourself.

You have plenty of options.

Go without DH. (Get over your ‘I’d feel like the odd one out’ - take yourself and your DC and have fun.)
Tell DH to suck it up and play nice.

It’s OK to feel a bit upset it’s not what you wanted.
But to be brutally honest, if the place holds special memories of family holidays in the past with Diane and her family then it’s a bit shit to say your husband should be prioritised over your mum’s long-term friend. (Despite her past behaviour)

JellyTumble · 25/06/2021 13:05

YABU. This is really none of yours or your DH’s business.

He’s being a dick here. It’s nothing to do with him whether your mum lets someone treat her like a doormat or not.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2021 13:07

And why does your DH get to call all the shots on who goes where on holiday anyway? Plan a trip with your mum, FGS! Your DH just comes across as an arse all round really. But perhaps he’s not?

Delatron · 25/06/2021 13:07

Are you all staying in the same place together? That’s a lot of people (especially as some don’t get on) siblings, friends etc. Doesn’t sound like a relaxing holiday. Can’t you go as a smaller group with your Mum another time?

I

AcrossthePond55 · 25/06/2021 13:12

I think you need to step back. Realize that the purpose of this trip is for the family to support each other as you remember your dad. Diane (and her family) are actually outside that circle, even if they are present.

How hard will it be to just ignore her? It's not that hard to say "Excuse me, I need to use the toilet, speak to XXX, get some water" and walk away. She's only one person in a group of how many that I assume you and your DH can interact with?

You're making it all about you and your DH. It's about your mum. Certainly tell her that you'd prefer Diane not be there, but that barring that you and your DH intend to stay away from her and that you hope your mum will do what she can to facilitate it.

RestingPandaFace · 25/06/2021 13:13

I feel like I’ve read a different OP. In the first post she clearly said that while
DH had a bigger problem with Diane OP doesn’t want to go if she’s there either.

I think your DM is really out of order, if this is a special family trip to visit your DF favourite place and resting place on the 10th anniversary of his death she should absolutely but putting her family first.

Maybe you need to tell her straight what you’ve said here, that you don’t understand why she’s invited Diane to something that should be a family occasion, and you’re really sad that she’s invited her knowing it means you won’t go.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/06/2021 13:20

If your DH doesn't want to go, that's fine. He's an adult and can decide to stay at home.

He should not prevent you going though, it's not you that's being the problem here. He doesn't get to decide for both of you.

araiwa · 25/06/2021 13:20

Book your own accommodation, only meet them for a planned memorial and don't see them outside of that time

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 13:21

I agree.. your Mother seems beholden to this vile bully

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 13:29

out of curiosity...

What did your Father think of Diane ?

mam0918 · 25/06/2021 13:39

Your family are doing nothing wrong.

Your DH is unsympathetic and out of line - why on earth does he think he even has a dog in this family fight?.

Go on holiday with your family and get over the petty shit with diane, shes not your friend, its not your fight and theres no reason for you to carry on the drama everyone else has dropped especially not by cutting your own nose off to spite your face.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2021 13:39

It says in the OP that Diane’s family and OP’s family have been close for years and years, they all holidayed together in this particular place, OP’s deceased father and Diane’s husband were good mates ... it’s really not so odd that the planned holiday includes them too.

OP might wish her mum felt it should be family only. But if she doesn’t, why is her mum obliged to choose? She’s invited everyone. Diane doesn’t care who comes. OP can choose.

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 13:43

Diane doesn't care, because she bullies, and is nasty, to anyone she doesn't like.. making it unbearable for 'actual' family to attend the trip..

Diane is an abuser of OP's Mother.. a horrid Bully.. but her Mother is dependant on her .. I think that's obvious now..

if a man was doing this.. to OP's Mother Im betting the responses would be very different.

🌸

mam0918 · 25/06/2021 13:46

Also Im wondering if Diane is the problem at all.

Everyone else seems absoloutely fine with going on holiday with Diane, you say they arent as bothered by her as you and if anything it sounds like you where the 'add on' invite yet they have been dragging their feet and making excuses at going on holiday with you and DH.

That makes it sound like you two are the ones everyone has issue with (probably not so much you) and from just how controlling and judgemental your DH sounds (telling you what you can do, causing this drama, continuing a fight thats non of his business, having no respect for your feelings towards your dead dads resting place etc...) I can almost garantee HE is the one everyone else is avoiding and you are choosing the wrong side.

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 13:46

from just how controlling and judgemental your DH sounds (telling you what you can do, causing this drama, continuing a fight thats non of his business, having no respect for your feelings towards your dead dads resting place etc...) I can almost garantee HE is the one everyone else is avoiding and you are choosing the wrong side.

for the LOVE of GOD 🙄

RampantIvy · 25/06/2021 13:54

Why can't you and your DH go to the same area, but not actually be with them? Then you can meet up for the anniversary, but do your own thing.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 25/06/2021 14:02

I don't see why it's your DH's business to be judge of your mum's friend or relationship with anyone, surely if you are ok with it, he should be. Either both go and spend as little time with Diane as possible or go without him.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2021 14:24

@QueenBee52

Diane doesn't care, because she bullies, and is nasty, to anyone she doesn't like.. making it unbearable for 'actual' family to attend the trip..

Diane is an abuser of OP's Mother.. a horrid Bully.. but her Mother is dependant on her .. I think that's obvious now..

if a man was doing this.. to OP's Mother Im betting the responses would be very different.

🌸

I think you’ve read an awful lot into this that OP has t actually said.

Diane and OP’s mum have a very longstanding friendship over decades.

There was a horrid falling out and OP and her DH think Diane is “not a very nice woman”.

But I’m not sure any of the rest of your post is at all accurate! The rest of OP’s family are happy to go with Diane and family in attendance. And the idea that Diane is an abuser seems a bit of a stretch.

QueenBee52 · 25/06/2021 14:32

I think you’ve read an awful lot into this that OP has t actually said.

Diane and OP’s mum have a very longstanding friendship over decades.

There was a horrid falling out and OP and her DH think Diane is “not a very nice woman”.

But I’m not sure any of the rest of your post is at all accurate! The rest of OP’s family are happy to go with Diane and family in attendance. And the idea that Diane is an abuser seems a bit of a stretch.

this is true...

however anyone treating my grieving Mother like this would not be welcomed my me ever again either...

So I completely sympathise with OP's stance. 🌸

Garraty47 · 25/06/2021 14:36

@QueenBee52

Diane doesn't care, because she bullies, and is nasty, to anyone she doesn't like.. making it unbearable for 'actual' family to attend the trip..

Diane is an abuser of OP's Mother.. a horrid Bully.. but her Mother is dependant on her .. I think that's obvious now..

if a man was doing this.. to OP's Mother Im betting the responses would be very different.

🌸

Good lord, the projection.