AIBU to be upset about holiday?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

I think no one person is the problem. In fact it's more that if just one of the people concerned was prepared to do things in a way that honoured OP's grief and her desire to remember her dad on a specific date, then she'd have them for back up and it would feel ok. As it is, no one in OP's life is prepared to say 'I know doing this trip in this way is important to you, so let's arrange it'. That's not to say it is clearly any one person's responsibility to the exclusion of others. But I can see why she feels hurt, and at the bottom of everyone's list.

[PixieKitten]

@Foobydoo

I understand how upsetting this must be but it is DH that is the problem. He needs to grit his teeth to support you in something this important.
If he cannot do that why don't you go without him?

Diane is the problem

[Newmumatlast]

@NoSquirrels

Everyone keeps saying this is a “family holiday” and why does Diane get to come etc.

But the fact is, it’s not been planned as a “family holiday to remember Dad”.

OP and her mum have often discussed together how nice it would be to go as a family. But her siblings haven’t been enthusiastic.

Now her siblings, mum and Diane have together planned a group holiday to this place. In the OP it says very clearly they used to holiday with Diane’s family, that OP’s siblings were the same age as Diane’s children, who will also be going. Everyone likes this idea, is keen. Except OP. For everyone else this is a nostalgic two-family trip.

Not a 10-year-anniversary of scattering Dad’s ashes.

In fact, we don’t know if the holiday was in fact Diane’s idea to go next year and Mum/siblings are the ones picking up on the initial idea by Diane. So she couldn’t be ‘uninvited’ from the trip. It’s been planned with her as an integral part of it.

OP is not wrong to be hurt - it sounds like she’s often the odd one out in this group dynamic. And it's hurtful no one wanted to go when it was just family only every time it was suggested.

But it really doesn’t sound like anyone’s done anything deliberately to hurt OP - so laying a guilt trip would be inappropriate. Why should a big group of people change plans to suit 2 people?

I think OP should be honest she’s disappointed with both siblings and Mum that it’s not something she’d enjoy and it’s upsetting because they know she hoped to go with just them. But not in an effort to get them to change their minds. Just to be emotionally honest about it.

Agree with this

[Newmumatlast]

To be honest I think you have a DH problem. Yes your mum should probably take into consideration the family views and put them first but it sounds like Diane's family have a connection with your father too and they've made up. Ultimately your DH should grow up and go. It's your mum's choice. And, if he really feels strongly about it, go just you another time. It's actually that part of your story that tells me he is unreasonable. That he wont go even once just you all because he isnt fussed about the place even though he knows it is important to you because your father's ashes are there. He doesnt have to go every year and could pick where you go the next year.

[Orchidflower1]

Nope despite @QueenBee52 and her protestations I’m still of the opinion there has to more to this- it’s just too weird otherwise!

[LemonFantaGin]

@GreyhoundG1rl I RTFT thank you, I still think that would be my option 😊

[QueenBee52]

@BarbarianMum

I dont suppose he does give a shit, other than he doesnt want to go on holiday with someone he dislikes and who is going to be actively needling him. I wouldnt either. The really obvious solution is that he stays home.

agreed 🌸

[QueenBee52]

@BarbarianMum

Either you H has shagged Diane or he's super controlling

Or Diane is an utter cunt and the OPs mum is a doormat?

My money's on the third.

mines too 🤣

[BarbarianMum]

I dont suppose he does give a shit, other than he doesnt want to go on holiday with someone he dislikes and who is going to be actively needling him. I wouldnt either. The really obvious solution is that he stays home.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

@BarbarianMum

Either you H has shagged Diane or he's super controlling

Or Diane is an utter cunt and the OPs mum is a doormat?

My money's on the third.

So why does op's dh give a shit when op's own siblings don't?

[BarbarianMum]

Either you H has shagged Diane or he's super controlling

Or Diane is an utter cunt and the OPs mum is a doormat?

My money's on the third.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

@LemonFantaGin

So your mum arranged a family holiday, but invited her mate before she invited you?

Book it, just you and DH the week before 😊

The dh won't go under any circumstances. RTFT.

[LemonFantaGin]

So your mum arranged a family holiday, but invited her mate before she invited you?

Book it, just you and DH the week before 😊

[JassyRadlett]

Ok, so your siblings and your DH have both been bits of tears here. Your husband sounds pretty self-centred and like he can’t get over himself for your sake. Your siblings have clearly been a bit thoughtless but tbh they may be a bit weary of all the drama over Diane. It’s a bit self-indulgent to refuse to associate with a friend of your mum or MIL in that way.

However what stuck out to me was this:

DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself.

What the everlasting fuck? He wouldn’t go on holiday to a place you really want to go that holds huge meaning for you because he’s not fussed about it?

Exactly what kind of twat is he?

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I would go but not for the whole week. Do a few days, have your time to remember your dad, then leave.

I'm also in the camp of finding it odd that your husband has taken such a strong stance on this.

They don't get on, don't like each other and he doesn't want to spend time in her company. Seems fairly clear to me.

I find many of the responses on this thread quite weird. I am the first to say that you can be civil for a 45 minute funeral and need to grow up if you can't, but a week's holiday is a bit different and I'd be refusing to spend that amount of time with someone I didn't get on with, too.

[NeverMetANiceOne]

I'm trying so hard to see this from the OP's point of view, but I just can't.
Go, or don't go, but it's your decision based on something that shouldn't even really be your problem

[Briarshollow]

Can’t go away* without him.

[Briarshollow]

This is so, so weird.

Either your H has shagged Diane, or he’s super controlling, either way it’s phenomenally weird that he gives any kind of a shit about his MIL’s mates and that his wife appears to be so browbeaten she feels she go away with her own family without him.

I can’t follow any of it, OP. All very odd. I probably wouldn’t bother if I were you. Anyway, it sounds like you have bigger problems.

[QueenBee52]

@GreyhoundG1rl

Seriously... 🙄

why do people do this ?

Because it would be less bizarre than the way op has portrayed it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

it really doesn't ....

[clpsmum]

Go without DH his choice

[GreyhoundG1rl]

Seriously... 🙄

why do people do this ?

Because it would be less bizarre than the way op has portrayed it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[QueenBee52]

@Orchidflower1

Is it REALLY only the way Diane has behaved that pees off your dh? This kind of reads like an article in a women’s mag- has dh had anything more to do with Diane?

Seriously... 🙄

why do people do this ?

[Orchidflower1]

Is it REALLY only the way Diane has behaved that pees off your dh? This kind of reads like an article in a women’s mag- has dh had anything more to do with Diane?

[billy1966]

OP,
I can understand your upset and disappointment.

Neither of you want to be in Diane's company and dispite conversations about visiting the place as a family many times your mother has suited herself and invited Diane.

Actions, not words.

Diane is your mother's priority in this, not you.

You have been invited but they clearly know that you won't go because of historical events.

You could go on your own but you aren't interested in the drinking holiday that your mother and Diane are planning.

I think you can definitely be very disappointed but your mothet is suiting herself.

Stop bringing the woman on holidays if it doesn't suit you.

Your mother is suiting herself, you do likewise.

[NoSquirrels]

Everyone keeps saying this is a “family holiday” and why does Diane get to come etc.

But the fact is, it’s not been planned as a “family holiday to remember Dad”.

OP and her mum have often discussed together how nice it would be to go as a family. But her siblings haven’t been enthusiastic.

Now her siblings, mum and Diane have together planned a group holiday to this place. In the OP it says very clearly they used to holiday with Diane’s family, that OP’s siblings were the same age as Diane’s children, who will also be going. Everyone likes this idea, is keen. Except OP. For everyone else this is a nostalgic two-family trip.

Not a 10-year-anniversary of scattering Dad’s ashes.

In fact, we don’t know if the holiday was in fact Diane’s idea to go next year and Mum/siblings are the ones picking up on the initial idea by Diane. So she couldn’t be ‘uninvited’ from the trip. It’s been planned with her as an integral part of it.

OP is not wrong to be hurt - it sounds like she’s often the odd one out in this group dynamic. And it's hurtful no one wanted to go when it was just family only every time it was suggested.

But it really doesn’t sound like anyone’s done anything deliberately to hurt OP - so laying a guilt trip would be inappropriate. Why should a big group of people change plans to suit 2 people?

I think OP should be honest she’s disappointed with both siblings and Mum that it’s not something she’d enjoy and it’s upsetting because they know she hoped to go with just them. But not in an effort to get them to change their minds. Just to be emotionally honest about it.