AIBU to be upset about holiday?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

[Elbels]

Couldn't you go and book your own accomodation nearby so your time with Diane is minimised?

Although I'm another one who is amazed that your husband has such strong views about a woman who is a friend of his mother in law.

[Rosebel]

You won't be the odd one out. Your mum won't have her partner there either.
I would just go and leave DH at home. You are finding excuses not to go. If it means as much as you say it does then go and ignore Diane as much as possible.
However it sounds to me like you won't stand up to your husband. Its all about him. He doesn't like your mum's friend. He won't go on holiday with you there alone.
What matters more?

[PricklesAndSpikes]

Tell your husband to grow up, get a grip and behave like an adult. His job is to support you and by default, your mother. He is way too invested in YOUR mother's problems with HER friend. And if he won't, then go on your own, why should you miss out because your husband is an unsupportive, petty twonk?

[helpfulperson]

It is strange for your DH to have such strong feelings. Is there a back story such as Diane making a pass at him or similar?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

There's a lot of history with Diane which is too complicated and boring to go into details of. I think I'd feel like the odd one out if I went on my own, or even if DH did come and Diane was there, because we have done things in the past like meals out or birthdays or something and we have been left out. The rest of them were all so close and we just weren't part of it. It's not normally an issue.

I wouldn't care if they all wanted to go on holiday together under normal circumstances - to a different place, or if we went on a family trip to this place next year and they all went the year after. It's because I want to do this holiday so much, and with it being a bit of an anniversary.

[socalledfriend]

Sorry but YABU as you refuse to go without DH.

Saying you would be "the odd one out" makes you sound about 12.

[QueenBee52]

HELL would freeze over before I would exclude myself, from visiting, my dead Fathers most favourite place, and the place where his ashes are scattered.. because some two bit piece of schemey skank arse trash was going to be there ...
I would ABSOLUTELY be there.. and make HER feel like the odd one out on the trip...

Why would you allow this trash such power over you... I understand where your DH is coming from.. Scum is Scum.. He can opt out.. but do not let Her WIN...

get yourself on that trip and see your Fathers resting place and blank the poisonous bitch at every turn.

GO GO GO GO GO 🌸

[MotherofTerriers]

I can see why you are so hurt. I'd tell your mum that as she has invited Diane you won't be going, and that you are upset about this. No point pretending and bottling it up

[QueenBee52]

p.s.

your Mother is a MUG 🌸

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@helpfulperson they just don't get on. Diane doesn't like DH either. They just annoy each other and it's usually not an issue as we never see them normally. If my mum has, say a barbeque or something she either invites them or us. My siblings would go to either. It's not an issue, I wouldn't want to stop my Mum seeing her, we just don't want to.

[Snoken]

@QueenBee52

HELL would freeze over before I would exclude myself, from visiting, my dead Fathers most favourite place, and the place where his ashes are scattered.. because some two bit piece of schemey skank arse trash was going to be there ...
I would ABSOLUTELY be there.. and make HER feel like the odd one out on the trip...

Why would you allow this trash such power over you... I understand where your DH is coming from.. Scum is Scum.. He can opt out.. but do not let Her WIN...

get yourself on that trip and see your Fathers resting place and blank the poisonous bitch at every turn.

GO GO GO GO GO 🌸

Said with much harsher words than I would had been able to find, but I agree with this! Don't be a martyr.

[me4real]

she knows. That's what I'm so hurt about, in a nutshell my Mum decided to arrange the holiday she knows I would love to do, that we often talk about, but exclude me from it.

@AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies I really don't think that's the case OP. They thought Diane happening to tag along on the family trip would be inconsequential/tolerable to you in the context of how much you'd like the family trip itself, that you've all previously talked about so often.

Could you go without DH?
-
He could also go on a trip to this place with you sometimes as it's special and so important to you because of your DDad. It's a bit crap that he won't do that for you I think, even if he doesn't particularly like the place.

I don't like the sound of him really.

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@socalledfriend maybe, but surely you can understand what I mean by that?

[Anoisagusaris]

Are you and your dh joined at the hip? Go without him.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

I think a lot of people are missing the point that the OP and her DH went to her mum's 60th birthday party and this Diane was snidey, so there's a personal thing there too, it's not just the relationship between Diane and the OP.

If my mum had been upset by a "friend" and then invited her to a family get-together I'd be annoyed too, but instead of not going myself I'd be making very clear to my mum that I thought it was inappropriate to invite the friend to a family get-together. It's not like a party.

But failing that, I would do what other posters have suggested, book separate accommodation, do your own thing as far as possible and enjoy revisiting your dad's last resting place. No way would I be intimidated away from a family event by some silly woman my mum decided she likes.

A further point - although I don't have a close relationship with my in-laws, I'd be fed up if MIL invited a friend along to things who I thought was a bitch and had upset MIL in the past. Especially in priority to DH. And especially if the said friend was snidey to me and DH when she met me.

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@snoken @QueenBee52 Diane is going with her DH and her two kids though, if I go and blank her I'd effectively be blanking myself right out of the conversation, which is why I may as well just not go.

I do love your colourful description of her though

[QueenBee52]

@Snoken

applogies 😂

but it infuriated me to read OP is excluding herself from family events all thanks to this Runter ..

Sorry Posters for the language 🥴

[QueenBee52]

[quote AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]**@snoken* @QueenBee52* Diane is going with her DH and her two kids though, if I go and blank her I'd effectively be blanking myself right out of the conversation, which is why I may as well just not go.

I do love your colourful description of her though [/quote]


Honestly.. wouldn't bother me one brass necked bit.. you don't need to blank the kids.. blank HER ☺️

[socalledfriend]

[quote AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]@socalledfriend maybe, but surely you can understand what I mean by that?[/quote]
No. I don't.

You talk in terms of "we" and as though you are not a self contained entity. Do you never go anywhere socially without DH? It isn't all couples as your DM will be there as a single person. It just sounds like an excuse.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

What’s stopping you booking and taking the kids? Your DH doesn’t sound bothered.

So go alone and deal with it.

[CrappyBirthday2Me]

Your DH is massively overstepping and you are letting him. They are not excluding you, you are excluding yourselves by being judgmental and intolerant. Just go along and tell your DH to be nice.

[MsSquiz]

You aren't belong excluded, you have been invited.

If you choose to let your DH or Diane get in the way of visiting a place to mark the anniversary of your father's passing, you are being ridiculous and putting your mother in an awkward position.

Your DM has the right to invite her friend and her children on this holiday. If your DH doesn't want to go, fine, he can stay home. If you don't want to go, fine. But stop blaming some ridiculous over-involvement in your DM's friendship on why you can't possibly go.

Be a grown up and go, to be with your family and remember your dad. If Diane speaks, be polite. If Diane is rude, walk away. Simple

[Abouttimemum]

To be fair I’d be fucked off if my mother knew full well we hated this woman and Invited her anyway. Why does she need to be there? Is it her dad as well? Fucking hell. I’d also be upset if my mother decided to do a special family holiday and was perfectly ok with one of her kids not being there. It all seems really weird and bizarre.

But yeah you’re still allowed to go. It’s your own choice not to. Personally I’d go anyway and just suck it up. And if DH didn’t want to go he can stay at home, that’s his choice.

[Sirzy]

Do none of the other siblings feel so strongly given Diane is supposedly so horrible?

[KeepingTrack]

Just go.
Seriously, you go on your own, you and the dcs. And your DH stays at home.
Ignore Diane and act as. If she didn’t exist. Concentrate. On your mum, siblings And having a good time remembering your ddad.

The fact your DH doesn’t want to spend time with Diane shouldnt stop you from seeing your family. This time or any other time. Esp for a fall out that happened 10 years ago