AIBU to be upset about holiday?

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

I do have some issues with DH, that's a whole other thread. But I do generally agree with him about Diane though, the last time Diane and Mum fell out it was massive, they work together and Diane tried to spread rumours about my Mum, tried to turn mutual friends against my Mum, all while my Mum was grieving for my Dad. We sat with my Mum while she was just in absolute bits over it, crying her eyes out. It was honestly awful. She really is not a very nice woman, but like I said in my OP, my Mum's a grown woman and if she wants to risk going through all that again, then more fool her. But DH can't understand why my Mum would forgive someone who hurt her so badly.

We couldn't go and just get on with it, my Mum turned 60 just before Covid and had a big party and we went and Diane was there, to us it was a non issue and we just avoided her but she came to our table to say hello and then kept trying to hug DH and then saying snidey things trying to start an argument.

We really couldn't go, and I wouldn't want to go on my own and be the odd one out.

[JaffaRaf]

From what you have said you were willing to go until your husband said no, so they haven't planned it knowing you wouldn’t come, they’ve planned it knowing he may not, and considering he doesn’t want to visit the place anyway I don’t see why your mum should exclude her friend to accommodate someone who doesn’t want to go on holiday there anyway. It must be a very stressful situation for you and it’s a shame your mum didn’t ask you before her friend, but personally I’d just go without your DH because if you don’t are you ever going to get to go there again considering he won’t go on holiday there with just you either?

[Overthebow]

Sounds like your mum is organising a family trip for the 10 year mark and has invited her family friend. It’s up to you if you go or not. You’re not being left out, you’re invited. Tbh I’d just suck it up and go to support your mum.

[Chloemol]

So I would be saying all this to your mum, that you are upset she is invited as you thought it was family only

Then I would go, but book separate accommodation, only meet for a while, preferably without Diane( make it clear to your mum this is family only)

[Doublestar]

I think your dm is at fault personally. She should've consulted her family before inviting someone who she has had nasty incidents with and knows her family do not like (presuming she knows how you all feel about Diane?).
I'd make it VERY clear to my DM why we are now unable to go on the holiday, wouldn't have any qualms about spelling it out at all.

[user1493494961]

I think this is ridiculous, just say you'll go. Who knows whether your Mum and Diane will still be friends by next year. If you and DH are having problems, then maybe you won't be friends either.

[Doublestar]

She really is not a very nice woman, but like I said in my OP, my Mum's a grown woman and if she wants to risk going through all that again, then more fool her

That's all well and good I agree, but she shouldn't inflict the nasty cow onto you lot on what was supposed to be a family holiday! Your dm shouldn't have invited the nasty cow! Is she scared of/intimidated by Diane?

[Confusedandshaken]

You have a very clear choice here. Is your dislike and DH's 'hatred' of Diane stronger than your desire for a family holiday? It's a yes or no answer.

I agree that it seems bizarre that you and your DH have such strong views about your mum's friend. My only comparison is that some of my adult DC's friends have been unkind or unreasonable towards them over the years and I've mopped up a lot of tears. However if they later decide to make up it's really none of my business, I can't dictate who their friends. So when the people who were once sworn enemies come over to our house I respect my DC's decision and accept that the past differences are now water under the bridge.

Also remember that you only have your mums version of events between her and Diane. Diane's version is probably very different. I'm your mum's age and can testify that being old doesn't necessarily make people any more rational or reasonable when it comes to just feeling and friendships. Trust your mums judgement here.

[Scarlettpixie]

You are not being excluded here. Your mum has invited her family anf friends and it is you and your DH who are not wanting to go (and him that is refusing).

Why would you be the odd one out if you left DH at home? Your mum will also have no partner there and its a family thing so it won’t all be coupley.

I think you should go - with or without your DH as it is important to you because of your dad and especially as he won’t go with you on a separate visit.

[AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]

@Doublestar she knows. That's what I'm so hurt about, in a nutshell my Mum decided to arrange the holiday she knows I would love to do, that we often talk about, but exclude me from it.

One of my siblings lives with her at the minute, and the other lives nearby so they all see each other more often than I see them. They arranged it between themselves, and then decided to invite Diane because they already knew she was going before I knew anything about it. I don't think I factored into it at all. If they had actually wanted me and DH to come, they wouldn't have invited Diane. They had to choose who they would rather go with and it wasn't me.

Actually inviting us was just a token exercise so she and my siblings wouldn't feel bad, so they could say "well, we asked you!", they know full well we would have never come.

[SpringRainbow]

You’ve been invited. You have declined.

You have not been excluded in anyway.

Your mum has the right to invite anyone on a trip that (it sounds like) she is organising.

If you and your husband cannot put your feelings aside and be civil for the sake of this trip. Then that is your problem. Not your mum, siblings, or your mums friend.

Sometimes being a grown up means dealing with people you don’t particularly like.

[Thecatsawinner]

Maybe your mum invited you in the hope that your DH would get over himself or put your feelings first? Or you go on your own?

[SpringRainbow]

Also I really don’t understand why you couldn’t go alone.

You will be with your family? Does your husband always go with you when you spend time with your family?

Do you seriously never see them on your own?

[Doublestar]

I totally understand why you're upset, I would be too. I think you need to have an honest conversation with your dm and tell her you are hurt and why. As I say, if I was in this situation I'd have no problem making my feelings known to my DM.
It sounds like both you and your dm are a bit passive?

And your DM should choose better friends!

[lilyofthewasteland]

Bluntly, your husband needs to stop being a prick and support you instead of disrupting your family relationships.

You are blaming the wrong people for this problem and I think you are making a big mistake by not going on this holiday.

[user1493494961]

Surprise them then and say you're going.

[Overthebow]

You weren’t excluded, they invited you. Your choice to go or not

[Aprilx]

Your husband is a dick. He won’t go places that his MIL’s friend is going to? I have rarely heard anything as bizarre as that. Anyway go without him, problem solved, well kind of, you still have a ridiculous husband.

[lilyofthewasteland]

@Thecatsawinner

Maybe your mum invited you in the hope that your DH would get over himself or put your feelings first? Or you go on your own?

Exactly.

They haven't excluded you. You have chosen to isolate yourself.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

Your dh seems weirdly over invested in Diane

[theleafandnotthetree]

[quote AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies]@Doublestar she knows. That's what I'm so hurt about, in a nutshell my Mum decided to arrange the holiday she knows I would love to do, that we often talk about, but exclude me from it.

One of my siblings lives with her at the minute, and the other lives nearby so they all see each other more often than I see them. They arranged it between themselves, and then decided to invite Diane because they already knew she was going before I knew anything about it. I don't think I factored into it at all. If they had actually wanted me and DH to come, they wouldn't have invited Diane. They had to choose who they would rather go with and it wasn't me.

Actually inviting us was just a token exercise so she and my siblings wouldn't feel bad, so they could say "well, we asked you!", they know full well we would have never come.[/quote]
This is rather frustrating OP, presumably it is YOUR presence which is important, rather than your bloody DH. Whose stance I find rather odd to be honest. My ex husband wouldn't have known my mothers friends from a bar of soap, let alone have such bewilderingly strong views on them. Maybe your family would actively PREFER to see you without him. Or they knew his feelings on the subject but assumed you would just come, which seems by far the easiest solution to all this drama.

[lilyofthewasteland]

I do have some issues with DH, that's a whole other thread.

Coercive control type issues?

[Mulhollandmagoo]

You can go, and you should go! you can stay in separate accommodation and keep your distance as much as possible, this is a trip to remember and honour your dad, which you have been invited on and not in anyway excluded from

If I were you I'd go without your husband if I'm honest and I find it odd that he is so invested I your mums friendships, possibly he just doesn't want you to go?

Actually inviting us was just a token exercise so she and my siblings wouldn't feel bad, so they could say "well, we asked you!", they know full well we would have never come

In regards to this, you and your husband are the unreasonable ones, they have asked you to join and you've said no and given a really flimsy excuse

[dreamingbohemian]

@SpringRainbow

You’ve been invited. You have declined.

You have not been excluded in anyway.

Your mum has the right to invite anyone on a trip that (it sounds like) she is organising.

If you and your husband cannot put your feelings aside and be civil for the sake of this trip. Then that is your problem. Not your mum, siblings, or your mums friend.

Sometimes being a grown up means dealing with people you don’t particularly like.

I agree

If your DH really refuses to come then go on your own, why would you feel alone when you're with your family?

I'm not surprised to hear you have issues with him, it's rather odd for someone to have such a strong reaction about his MIL's friend

[Gullible2021]

@SpringRainbow

You’ve been invited. You have declined.

You have not been excluded in anyway.

Your mum has the right to invite anyone on a trip that (it sounds like) she is organising.

If you and your husband cannot put your feelings aside and be civil for the sake of this trip. Then that is your problem. Not your mum, siblings, or your mums friend.

Sometimes being a grown up means dealing with people you don’t particularly like.

100 times this.

It's your choice but you spinning an untrue narrative that you've been excluded.

No, you've been invited and you are choosing not to go. You have the option of going without your husband but you don't want to do that either.

You keep saying you've been excluded when the reality is you are choosing not to go because you don't like your mother's friend and coming up with excuses as to why you or you DH can't go, blaming other's for your choice and refusing to take responsibility for your own reactions and behaviour. We all have to encounter people we don't like. It's part of life. There are family rifts and all sorts but when it comes to memorials or funerals or weddings, most people learn to rise above it, put on a brave face and be with their loved ones at an important time. We don't allow the very presence of one person we don't like to stop us ever attending any family event they might be at. And we don't avoid our own family events because our OHs have a problem with an individual. We go anyway.