To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

Op - are you the same poster from last week who is being abused but fails to accept it, and have decided to repost but not mention the details which led to every poster screaming ' please please leave' at you?

@BearOfEasttown you are right. We don't exist.

Women who weren't great earners and still manage as a single parent, still have kids that's are emotionally healthier AND manage improve our earning prospects, don't exist.

Besides which, you are missing the point. The op and kids aren't happy now. She won't have better prospects in 10-15 years, if she just carry on with the 'this is life' attitude.

He could walk out at anytime. And leave her in that exact position.

If op was focused on at least improving her situation or financial independence to prepare to leave, it would be one thing.

But as it goes, non of them are happy. The husband says he is, but it will be that he doesn't want a change of lifestyle himself. If he is so blind to how unhappy the op and just carries on he isn't a decent person.

And he could leave op, in the situation you describe tomorrow. Though he probably won't until he has someone else on the horizon.

I agree with some of your points, Bears, but would also like to offer my own anecdote - mother left my father - yes, she has been poor since, she has never found a pot of gold, she's worked ever since and continues to do so, but my god she's so much happier. Regrets? Over the course of 30 years I expect most people have times they feel good and times they feel regret over life altering decisions.

It's all so much more varied and complicated than 'good or bad' result/outcome! So many variables and potential swerveballs, in both/all situations.

So there isn't any one answer, but if someone is consistently unhappy and depressed then that needs addressing. I'm not saying 'leave' is the only solution, but it has to be included among the possibilities. For some people it will be well worth losing out on comfortable pension/income.

Is it just me, as a single parent (but share DD 50/50 with exDH, an excellent father), that finds this thread rather offensive.

The implication that people who leave just don't put their kids first like people who stick it out in a bad marriage. The sheer hypocrisy because as we learn a bit more about it, the reason these sainted martyrs don't leave is because they don't want to give up the cash.

Just take responsibility for your own life for once.

YABU

Slightly different because there was some abuse involved but my parents stayed together “for my sake”. My mum was of the opinion that once you make the bed you lie in it. She seems to think (subconsciously) that I should almost be grateful that she chose not to leave dad and put up with things for my sake. I’m not grateful at all, in fact I resent it. I don’t thank her for it at all.

I told my husband to leave last year. There was no abuse but I was unhappy. I was being hugely taken advantage of and not treated well at all. Everyone was shocked, we seemed like “the perfect family”. My dc are 6 and 3 so people don’t understand why I would choose this, but I wasn’t going to have them grow up with constant tension in the house like I did. They are boys and I wasn’t prepared for them to be exposed to their mother being treated badly and grow up assuming that’s how women should be treated, no way. I knew we would split up eventually, it was just a question of when. I knew it would be easier on them yet more difficult for me if we split while they are young instead of when they were teenagers. So anyone thinking I didn’t make the decision for their sake can fuck right off.

Is it just me, as a single parent (but share DD 50/50 with exDH, an excellent father), that finds this thread rather offensive

I get what you mean, but I don't. Because you get this alot. Usually, from people who aren't 100% of their own life decisions so like to put others (different) decisions down and make them feel terrible.

I experienced that alot when I returned to work full time after ds was born. So now, it kind of just bounces off.

AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

Ask yourself if that's how you want your children to think when they have kids at say 25 - that their happiness no longer matters. Because that's what you're modelling.

It's extremely toxic and untrue. Children will be adults one day and they will be the same people then, they don't matter any more or less, and adulthood is actually a much bigger chunk of your life than childhood. Of course it matters that you are happy! I would be devastated if my DD thought her happiness no longer mattered once she had kids and just let herself be miserable.

Agree that there is more to marriage than ‘being madly in love’ , security and companionship could t for a lot. I would always try and make a marriage work but I also think you have to be very honest about whether there is actually animosity there, if it’s spilling over into resentment, passive aggressive behaviour, secret affairs, arguing, unpleasant atmosphere etc then that is really negative for everyone, including the children. You are modelling future relationships, would you be happy for your children to be in the same situation? If the answer is a definite no either try and fix things or get out because you’re doing nobody any favours and being poor is much better than being constantly miserable. To be fair I don’t know a single person who left a marriage just because it was ‘dull’, perhaps that happens when people are a bit older and don’t need to consider children anymore

Families aren't necessarily happier with two parents.

@ladygindiva no but realistically how often are they happy with 3/4?

A small point but if you do decide to stick it until the DC leave home, there NO need to wait until they've finished uni. Really you can cut 3 years off that clock.

Is still say go but for goodness sake don't stay while the DC aren't event there most of the year and are building their own lives. You'll be able to muddle through the vacations just fine.

Yes but I’d be living on the breadline poor.
I’m not talking about reduction in standard of living - I’m talking about him being able to take them wherever he wanted whilst I would barely be able to afford to feed them
So it's really about money then. Are you saying that if you won the lottery tomorrow, you wouldn't go?

I expect you would and you are trying to convince yourself you are staying for the kids.

It sounds that your OH is happy and still loves you whereas you are only staying for his income and the lifestyle.

Could you look to retrain/increase hours to become more financially independent?

no but realistically how often are they happy with 3/4?

Depends in the environment when it was 2 parent household.

And in this situation, it's really really not good.

I would think someone cheating is a matter of time away. Not because anyone is 'bad' but because of loneliness and needing to feel love/special connection with another adult. (Not saying that's right morally but an assumption I would make!!). And if that really is a line in the sand, then it'll come at some point anyway.

Kids from two parent, four parent, one parent families all have the same chances of happiness imo. Just the dynamic the adult(s) provide that makes the difference.

Well he left me so how does it work that way round

Life is too short OP

Absolutely the opposite.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Children see ans absorb what’s going on, and you model healthy or unhealthy relationships for them.
I left, never regretted it, and I’m so much happier, and so are my kids. I worried about this exact same thing for ages.

I should think an awful lot of men feel like this too.

No please don't do this, it's awful for the kids and messes them up. My late mother metaphorically made a career out of being unhappy and staying for the children. Bullshit, it suited her not to have to go out to work. It was shit and I'm still unravelling it in my late 50s.

In situations like this a useful question is would you want your DC to stay if they were in it. You are modelling for them what is acceptable. Given what your parents are telling you I can see why you are feeling this way but I don’t agree that staying in an unhappy marriage is best for children.

[quote Yayayaya20]@ladygindiva no but realistically how often are they happy with 3/4?[/quote]
What do you mean 3/4?

Oh god no! Your children will note the lack of affection between you and your H. All is not lost though, I have a friend who stayed for the kids, her and her H didn't have sex, but didn't have big fights and he was a good dad, but there was no affection. She left him when both boys were teenagers and both have turned out just fine, in fact more than fine, they are both very well rounded teenagers with lots of friends and are happy.

@Nutellacoconut

I would think someone cheating is a matter of time away. Not because anyone is 'bad' but because of loneliness and needing to feel love/special connection with another adult. (Not saying that's right morally but an assumption I would make!!). And if that really is a line in the sand, then it'll come at some point anyway.

Kids from two parent, four parent, one parent families all have the same chances of happiness imo. Just the dynamic the adult(s) provide that makes the difference.

This with bells on

I am so aware I may be projecting here but just to say I was that child as were my siblings. Were things awful at home? No. Did we know things were not good? Yes you cannot hide these things especially as kids get older. Did my mum stay "for us"? Apparently so but none of us now believe her just think we were her "excuse" and everyone of us hate her with a passion now that she is a frail old woman and do help her somewhat out of duty but there is zero love there.
I have such strong feelings on this OP I am scared I am going to be horrible to you and don't mean to be so please accept apologies if that is how it comes across but can I just say do not dare ever stay in an unhappy situation for someone else's sake and especially not your children's. That is not a fair emotional burden for anyone to take on. It is your life and your happiness and own that. No one else is to responsible or to blame except you. Your life, your choice and your responsibility

Op you say there's no arguing, yet you obviously feel resentment at the little he does around the house. Maybe that was an argument worth having. Not all arguments are bad. In fact I believe some are essential to sort issues out rather than leave them to silently fester.