To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

Only if you want this to be the model of relationships that your dc have. I asked myself how I would feel if my dd was in a marriage like mine and knew I would be heartbroken. I left. And with hindsight I can see that there was emotional abuse in the marriage. I didn’t see that at the time.

DC are absolutely fine and we are amicably separated. I’m so glad I did. You only have one life, don’t waste it.

Speaking generally - there are several people who have said their mother stayed and they wish she hadn’t. I bet there are just as many who had a perfectly happy childhood with two parents who just got on with it but weren’t hopelessly in love.

When I comment on threads like these in my head I’m thinking about the threads we see on here where the OP isn’t in a particularly unhappy relationship but it’s not setting the world alight either. They are often advised that life is too short etc. But those situations I do think you could easily look back and regret leaving.

In the situations where the OH is an arsehole it obviously makes more sense to leave but then is that arsehole man then more likely to go off and re-spawn very quickly and the host of problems that comes with that. Not that I’m saying that should mean stay.

I can hand on heart say though that in the situation I would choose mediocrity over the chance that my OH would have other children with someone else. It’s just not what I want for my children.

I don't buy into this idea that it damages kids staying in a relationship that is not right. However, I do think life is far too short to hang around in such a situation. It's hard though!

What happens when your kids leave home? If you split then don’t you think they will carry some guilt that it was THEM that kept you in an unhappy situation? Do they deserve that? Most importantly don’t you deserve more?

Life is short but it’s also long

As adults, your children may not thank you. Not pleasant living in an house with unhappy parents.
You’re a mother, not a martyr.

I know lots People who were oblivious of their parents issues and had wonderful childhood. as for the parents some decided to separate when the Dcs were older, others worked their issues and are still together. You can never tell how it will goes .

Please don't stay if you're unhappy. My parents did that, but there was always a kind of tension in the house, and my mum would have mood swings because she was so unhappy, and none of us ever knew where we really were with her.

They eventually split when I was 24 (when my younger brother left home to go to uni) and it was messier and more upsetting than it would have been when I was 6 and brother was 1, which is apparently when they first wanted to split.

I don’t want to go for dinner with DH, I don’t want to spend time with him, we’ve nothing to talk about. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him.
He’s in a no win situation really. After years of him putting very little into the relationship I no longer want him to.

Are there things from your past that are triggering this feeling you must stay together? I grew up with divorced parents and it has certainly given me a different views on relationships. Maybe you need to unpick where this feeling is coming from. It might help you make sense of your situation and help you move forward.

IMO if you have DC and in the absence of abuse both parents should work hard at repairing their marriage if possible. So a year or so of couple counselling, individual counselling, carving out time together as a couple to rediscover the things that you fell in love with to begin with. Also important to carve out time for yourselves as individuals such as hobbies, friendships etc. Make sure division of work and money is fair etc. Divorce can be incredibly damaging on DC so I do believe that parents owe this to their DC (obviously not in cases of abuse).

However if this doesn't work or one party will not engage with it then staying and living in a miserable household can also be very damaging to DC. In that case both parents should strive for as amicable a split as possible.

There is a mid-point between just leaving and passively accepting your lot in life.

If you don't think that he will want to do anything to change your marriage, then perhaps you could get some counselling alone? You don't just need to passively accept your unhappiness. Personally, I'd also be looking into training or applying for promotion because it will make you feel stronger and improve your prospects if you should have to manage on your own.

If you don't push for change, then nothing will happen. If you do, and your marriage ends, then at least you will have tried. It might end anyway, if your husband decided one day that he isn't happy and/or meets someone else.

I've been not far from where you are now. Thankfully I was able to make him talk about some of our problems and things are improving, but if I had not insisted then he would have been quite content in a marriage which was like a slow death to me.

As a child from young divorce, please dont stay together just for the kids. Your kids learn everything about future relationships from the relationship shown to them day in day out. Would you be happy for your DC to be in the same sort of relationship your in? Then dont show it to them as an option.

I picked up on everything, and i noticed my parents werent loving and happy like other parents, and i was sad that my mum and dad werent happy.

Yes the change was upsetting, but it wasnt devstating like people always think it will be. And now i have never seen my parents happier with other people, and i now also have 2 extra step-parents who are wonderful. I know people dont always get as lcky as i feel i am, but if your not happy your children will know.

@Kinsters

I think once you have kids there is a duty there to try your best to make the relationship work just because there's more at stake. But there's no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy just because you have kids.

I agree with this. Both parties owe it to their children to try and resolve difficulties and differences, but if that fails then your happiness matters too.

I say this as a divorcee. I believe (and the data backs it up) that children do best with parents who are together.

My dc are late teens now but it has been incredibly difficult - more than it should be - to be both parents to them. Their dad is involved (1-2 days a week) but there comes a time when it is hard to fulfill the dad role in everyday life. You specifically mention that he is the one who 'shouts' and is definitely in charge, and I'm afraid my experience is that teens need that authority in their lives. I found it very difficult to play that role - yes their dad was there in the background - but I mean the occasions when they need to tidy their room, not be rude - everything that comes with teenagerdom - and their dad is not there and I had to deal with it. That is really hard.

My teens are actually decent humans, nearly adults, but I had to work extra extra hard to get there. It is not easy. Personally in your position, I'd try and revitalise your life, and also your marriage.

It’s just impossible to know how badly the dc would be impacted unless I did it - it’s a risk and it’s them I am risking.

My dad says I shouldn’t break my marriage vows. Both my parents think I should wait until my youngest is 21 and out of university or 18 if they don’t go to university. That’s another 12 years, minimum. Both parents dislike my DH intensely though.

My parents split when I was seven they were miserable together I remember them fighting it was awful , my dad remarried and is so happy with his wife! They are so well suited always laughing going on holidays and are a solid family. I would not want my parents to have stayed together because they were not happy why would you want your child to bear the responsibility that you waisted your life in a loveless marriage because of them ? They will grow up and leave home and what will you do ?

@Rollingsunset

There’s just not much investment or care from either side I suppose. It’s been over five years since we had sex. He doesn’t do anything around the house, and I mean absolutely nothing. Totally nothing. I work but I earn a lot less than him so I’d be significantly poorer if we split. It would probably be manageable, but a struggle. He has a successful career and no doubt it’s stressful. His investment with the dc and me has been quite low. But it’s ok, there’s no arguing or anything. The dc are happy and settled. Both are doing well at school.

to be honest, this sounds souless.

I do see where you aer coming from, I tend to think people underestimate the effect of splitting up on the kids.

But there is anothet side to it. Your kids are growing up with this role model of relationships and marriage. You are teaching them that this is what a marriage shoudl look like. They see unhappiness, laziness (your dh with housework) lack of partnership, lack of sharing, lack of support, lack of affection, that mum is just there to look after them.

they are learning that all this is normal in a long term relationship.

So they are not in a healthy home at all.

This is 2021 not the 1950's 60s.

This is the problem op. If you didn't love eachother, but still enjoyed exagothers company, respected eachotger and generally get along, I do think staying might be a good option.

But you are miserable. You don't like him, you don't want to be around him.

You say your dd knows 'what dad says, goes', which is bothersome. Because adults make mistakes and bad decisions too. You said they say he shouts too much but you think it's OK because it's once a week but is really harsh when it happens.

This isn't a good relationship in any sense of the word.

But if you thinn

OP you sound utterly ground down and defeated.
This is no way to live, and it isn’t good for your dc either. Your DH doing nothing in the house and nothing with them, scary shouting every week, this must be having an impact on them. They will be happier with a happy Mum.
Get legal advice and leave. You would not be in penury, unable to feed your children, he would have to support you all.

it’s a risk and it’s them I am risking.

And you are already risking them right now.

There are posters arguing for both sides on this thread.

But I've noticed that for all those parents who have ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED this or similar and have decided to be single , it's overwhelmingly unanimous - divorce, everyone will be happier. (Except I think one poster at the beginning).

Those on the side of 'stay together' are almost entirely speculating or giving their opinion but not based on any actual real life experience of how blooming wonderful it is when you're finally free.

So your parents recognise that your DH is not a good person but believe you should sacrifice yourself for a further 12 years? I sense you don’t have a good model on which to base your own self esteem / worth with patents like that. I seriously suggest you have some counselling to find your worth and strength

@Rollingsunset

Despite the protestations and faux disgust and horror from some posters, MANY women stay with men they no longer love, (and in some cases probably never did,) because it's easier than leaving. As you say, as long as there is no abuse or cheating - and they are not desperately unhappy, many women will stay.

Also some women would be significantly worse off financially, and would be living in penury if they left... As a single mother on universal credits/tax credits/housing benefit, (and probably in a rough area in a damp-ridden private rented shit-tip.)

The smug, 'LTB' brigade always come out with the same mantra - JUST LEAVE HIM. But for many women, not only is that not an option, but also it's just easier and more beneficial for them (and the kids) to stay.

Unlike some women on mumsnet, most women in actual real life, are not earning £100K plus a year, with a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow they own, and a solid gold pension they can take at 55 that will render them wealthy enough to go on cruises 3 months of the year, and buy an 8 berth caravan.

In reality, many of these women will be claiming housing benefits and tax credits, just to survive, then will probably end up paying back half of the tax credits in 3-4 years as the tax credits departments always gets it wrong.

Then when their kids leave school, they will be working in B & M or Tesco with an 8 hour a week contract, scrabbling to get more hours, and having to decide which to pay this month - the water rates or the electric, as she doesn't have enough for both.

Then after several years of this, she will bite the bullet, and just get a job in a factory. Hard work, long shifts, but the hours are guaranteed, and the pay is better...

Well, 'better' enough to pay for the rent and bills and food. And if she is lucky enough to get overtime, she may have enough for one night a month at the pub, and a week in Blackpool every September.

If she is VERY lucky, she may meet another man to share the bills, rent, and chores with. Another man who is exactly like the man she left 8-10 years earlier. Because no matter what anyone says, most men are the same, most relationships are the same, and you can leave one, just to find the next one is the same, or worse than the one you left. Not always, but often...

Seriously, life is not a bed of roses in many marriages, but for many women, (particularly with school age children,) it will be significantly worse if they leave.

The idea (that is often peddled on here,) that a woman can leave her husband, get a university degree, retrain for a new career, and be on £100K within 2 years, and own her own cosy little home (all paid for within 5 years of course as she on OOOODLES of money) and have a lavish new career, lots of new friends, and then retire at 55 is just utter UTTER fantasy.

In real life, this just doesn't happen. I think some mumsnet users read too many chicklit novels and watch too many chickflicks.

Like a few other posters here who agree with the OP, I know a few women personally (maybe half a dozen,) who left their husband purely because the marriage was dull, he was boring (to her) and she felt she didn't love him.... 3 of them left when the kids had left home, and 3 when the kids were still at school. All but one regretted leaving, and 3 of them are actually back with the husband they left. All 3 went back within 2-5 years.

That's because real life is not the same as the parallel universe of mumsnet.