To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

Mate, you sound so flat and disengaged from your own flipping life. I can’t do this, I can’t do that, he wouldn’t pay anything and I would back down. Your one and only precious life! So what if you’ve been married for 18 years, doesn’t mean you need to stick it out for another 18 or 28 or 38 years! You sound depressed. Could you tackle that first maybe?

@Waxonwaxoff0 I suppose there will be always be exceptions, but I'm only telling you what the teens I work with tell me.

They feel unable to share the good things that happen the other parent for fear of upsetting someone. They almost feel scared to love either of their lives and they do see it as two separate lives. It's true though, that I only see the struggling ones.

My mum stayed "for the kids", and God I wished she'd got the gumption to leave him in the 80s when he started drinking. Again in the 90s when he became aggre depressed and aggressive and had an affair. Again in the 00s when I caught him throwing a glass ashtray at her. And on and on and on.

I hated my Dad growing up, I needed to protect my brother from his drinking and to this day he doesn't see how things were when we were living at home. I've never forgiven my Dad for any of his behaviour, but everyone else seems to think we had a rosy childhood. I didn't.

Staying for your kids means passing on the problems to them, not shielding them from it all.

So what about when he has his head turned and wants to leave, will you fight for what your children deserve then?

That's awful SoddingWeddings, but that's not the situation OP is talking about.

OP why not start with counselling for yourself to work out the nature of your low, helpless feeling mood. That would be a sensible first step. They say always put your own oxygen mask on first. Make this a priority.

I agree. There's no benefit to the kids to having a less well-off mum and an even more distant dad. I am the child of divorce and it was a struggle. There are times when I have wondered the same thing but on balance it's always come out in favour of staying. I have children with extra needs and if my husband and I lived apart I know he would be even less involved. If I'd received an amazing windfall that smoothed any difficulties away, then it might have been different.

I’m in the same position. Great family life, shit relationship. No sex, no intimacy. I’m not attracted anymore, grown up & grown apart. But I like the life we have created together & more importantly for our 3 young children. I lay in bed at night and imagine myself with other men I know or have known, it’s bleak tbh. Maybe one day..

I would never want anyone to feel guilty about leaving a relationship which wasn't functioning (it takes two to work on a relationship so you can't do it alone if the other person won't engage). I had a friend though who's mum left a 'boring' relationship and then started up with a new guy, stayed with the new blended family for 5 years then left him and basically kept up the cycle for my friend's entire childhood. She definitely resents the upheavel it and considers her mum really selfish.

FWIW, OP, I did divorce my husband for an extremely good reason (the type of reason that leaves you with no alternative). Before that, I was indifferent to him. I would actually have been ok if we could have just rubbed along, not speaking to one another that much, and having separate lives and friends. I still feel that divorce harmed our children more than us staying together and being unbothered by one another would have done. So I do understand why you feel the way you do, and I still feel that my personal happiness or unhappiness would not have been a good enough reason to break up the children's home.

There are lots of ways to find happiness and contentment within a dead marriage. I would have had far more opportunities to find nice things to do, had I not had to leave my husband - not least as I didn't need to work when we were married. If we were still married now, I'd be able to volunteer at all the places I used to like taking the children to; spend time in the garden; meet friends. All the things I couldn't really do when the children were still at home.

I do agree with PP who say you only get one life. But it's not all a bed of roses once you leave a marriage, and there is no guarantee of happiness on the other side of the marriage.

I made the mistake of "staying for the children". I wish I hadn't. Now, several years later we are divorcing. Wish I'd had the balls to do something years ago. On the face of it, it was the right thing to do in staying together. But what message did that send to the kids? They knew we were unhappy, though they never said anything.

I just hope they don't repeat my mistake and stay in a relationship which makes them utterly miserable.

My late husband, who had a lovely but not compatible Mum and Dad told me once that he and his brother had been glad then they spilt up because "everyone could be happy again". Do not DO NOT underestimate the effect your unhappiness is having on your kids.

I think if you can rub along ok and don't hate each other or fight every day, it's worth hanging on until the kids are older. Especially from a financial perspective.

But then you have to decide if you want to grow old with the person. Do you want to sacrifice your life if they get dementia or other health problems? If you leave them while you are both quite young you don't have the guilt of leaving them to it later. I have a relative who divorced her husband when she was 60. He was older that she was and she was relieved that she'd left him when she had and didn't have to look after him in his old age. Sounds mean, but she hadn't been happy with him for years, but didn't leave earlier for the sake of children and because of finances.

@Rollingsunset you sound very depressed and I think you need to try and sort that out before you make any decisions about leaving or staying .

If you were less depressed you will cope better with your current lonely situation .You might even feel strong enough to leave .

Please make an appointment to see your GP .

and >>>hugs

I say this as a child of divorced parents: Children benefit from happy parents, not parents staying together for the sake of their children's (alleged) happiness.

There are ways to approach this that are better and healthier than divorce = wrong. Have you thought about counselling/therapy, for you yourself and the two of you together?

You deserve to be happy, OP.

@Rollingsunset

We aren’t in conflict though. My dc would say he shouts a lot at them, but he doesn’t. Probably not even once a week. It’s just it’s a bit scary when he does, however most parents shout and kids never like it. Ds knows dad is in charge and that his word goes.

After this, don't kid yourself that you're staying for the children's sake.

It is not normal for a parent to shout at their children. At least it shouldn't be. I had some sympathy until this.

YABVU and modelling horrible behaviour for your children.

@Rollingsunset

Just to clarify it wasn’t me who said about having an affair. That was the response of another poster - which is also a valid viewpoint but it wasn’t my post.

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

Maybe you could use this time to improve your earning capability? Apologies if you have put the ages of your dc, I havent spotted it. But if you worked, and felt better about yourself, then you would be a happier person.

Like others have said, you seem so sad, and resigned to a lifetime of it - you are worth more, you deserve more.

An easy life isnt always better than a hard life if you are miserable?

Well if you stand up Infront of a room full of people and declare you will stay with someone "through sickness and in health and as long as you both shall live" and you don't and the other parent provided consent to kids based upon that then it really isn't great. That is why no marriage for Me because there is this risk, and marriage vows are now just a way of extracting cash for the lowest earner as and when they get bored of the relationship. It seems there is so much individualism without responsibility and sticking to ones word on the basis of I only have one life. Seriously judging from what I read on here I would trust a politicians manifesto more than a mumsnetters marriage vows.

@Rollingsunset

And yes - step parents are another issue. Although I wouldn’t live with anyone again and wouldn’t even want a relationship there’s no saying DH wouldn’t meet someone else and blend. Everything becomes very messy for the dc who just get lost in the middle of it all.

Why are you writing yourself off, you never know you might meet the right person for you, and 2 happy sets of parents/step parents might be the best thing for your dc anyway..

@Rollingsunset

I just wonder how other people see it, I seem to have this absolutely massive guilt around it that paralyses me. I feel like I made the vows, got married, had the dc and those things are as they are. I don’t expect to be happy all the time, of course I don’t. And we are ok, we just rub along living quite separately in a lot of ways. Some days I barely see him. We don’t talk very much. We do go out occasionally for a day with the dc and it’s fine. I just feel very lonely, maybe he does too. I don’t believe it to be fixable because it’s been this way for a very very long time. I’ve been married for 18 years and I’d say it’s been like this for at least half of that.

If it makes you feel better I feel like this too OP.

My parents stayed together far longer than they should have (I'd argue that they never should have married just because my mother was pregnant) in large part because of the wider community that had the attitude that keeping the family together was all important, but did very little beyond that platitude. With what you've written OP, I'm wondering what wider supports you have available to maintain this ideal?

They didn't shout much, though a few times are very memorable. They were just very distant - my mother slept on the couch most of the time when my father was home, one would hide away in the bedroom while the other was with us, and they kinda gave up certain areas of our lives to the other -- my mother always did X, my father Y.

We looked picture perfect, but they were so miserable, there was always that edge and I'd wish that they would separate from about 9 or so. I could smile and perform the role but I never felt comfortable. Within a few years, and a few 'fresh starts', I was exposed to far, far worse than just my parents being separated - my mother was taking 'mother's little helpers' among other drugs and the whole 'stay because of the kids' mantra meant she pretty much blamed us, particularly me as the second born (I could have left with one, but two made it impossible she would say). When they finally did it, and I finally found out, it was such a relief. In the end, it saved my and my siblings lives as my mother became more unstable. I'm not sure it would have improved her chances, but I do think if she'd moved back in with her parents when I was 9 rather than when I was 13 and my father had gotten his own place then that my siblings and I would have been better protected from the worst of it.

Some of the best things in life have risk - and 'staying for the kids' has its risks too. I agree that with DC it's important to consider things carefully, but I wouldn't take children appearing happy to mean that they haven't noticed or aren't affected it. That they seem to have a very different view of their father than you do I think is important to pick up on.

Nah, I didn’t give up my right to happiness just because I have children. We tried, there was no abuse. He just isn’t an involved dad, it was always me always cajoling him in to doing things as a family. There was no intimacy, no real love.
I was a SAHM, no income. We decided together to separate.
Now I work part time (while the kids are in primary school), I rent a house and I’m happy.
My children are happy. They see their dads once a week and stay every other weekend and he is probably a better dad now as he’s got no choice but to interact and take them out to fun places.
I am glad we split up, don’t get me wrong, some nights I’m lonely and might pine for what could have been but then I remember how unhappy I was the last 5 years of our relationship and I don’t feel so bad!

Why do you think that would automatically be the case?

I wouldn't bring a step-parent into my children's lives, but I think my DH wouldn't be single for long if we spilt. I am not prepared to chance it. I had a step mum and based on my experience, I wouldn't do it to my DC. I may feel differently when they are older and have their own place, money, and own life and are not reliant on their father for anything. I was totally reliant on the generosity of my father for my basic needs as my mum was dead and his new wife treated me like crap. I used to lie there on my bed as a teen and worry about becoming homeless if I said anything out of line to her and I was kicked out.

Anyway, I am not unhappy with my DH. I am not unlike the OP. My DH has a full-on successful job and he is not around a lot of the time. There are times when I have been massively lonely and wanted to leave but then things improved when I focused on my own life and got a p/t job, got more friends and hobbies, and took care of my own wellbeing. Incidentally, when I did this my marriage massively improved as I was much happier.

Everyone has a different setup. For me, there is NO WAY I would create an opening for a 3rd party to come into our lives and upset my DC. I also know my DC would hate it.

Rolling, there is so much you can do to improve your life and marriage. Go to your GP, go out for dinner with you dh and start talking about your feelings. Instigate intimacy. If you are to overwhelmed with work and homelike, and dh is too busy too, get a cleaner and a babysitter, or look at whether you could go part time and make some time for fun in your life. A divorce is pretty expensive, so money for a cleaner, a babysitter and a nice fortnightly dinner a deux and maybe dropping a day at work and taking up a hobby is chicken feed in comparison. You absolutely deserve to be happy, but you need to learn how to be happy first, or what exactly is preventing you from being unhappy in this relationship, before you divorce, otherwise there is the risk that you end up divorced and unhappy, what would be worse than unhappily married imo.