Aibu to think this is too full on?

[Luckystars1]

Hi,

I met this guy about 6 years ago through a friend, who met as a group of us a few times and texted a bit but nothing happened between us, I never met him alone but it was clear he liked me, it was very brief and short lived though. we lost contact anyway and in that time he met somebody else and got engaged.

Fast forward to now he sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a message saying long time no speak. He explained that he’s no longer with his partner, went into detail about their nasty breakup etc and started being rude about her which I thought was inappropriate as I’d not seen him in years and I didn’t know her.

Then out of no where he put to me ‘you’re the one that got away’ ‘I always wanted you, you know I did’. We texted back and forth a bit and this is where it went from 0 to 100.

I told him I now have a 2 year old DD. He near enough straight away said ‘I’ll come up this week and meet her’ and he keeps asking about seeing me everyday. He says ‘come and see your man’

He told me he’s got cats and I said I’d love a cat if my Landlord would allow one he said ‘I’ll buy you a kitten if you’re allowed a pet’
He’s then gone on to say he’s got a caravan holiday booked at the seaside that he had booked in with his ex but he’s said me and DD can come with him ‘if we are lucky’. I didn’t say anything back to this and the next day he brought it up when I never agreed. ‘don’t forget you’re both coming away with me in October’

He also says things like ‘tell you’re landlord I’m moving in, I’ll get my bags packed’ I’d love to wake up to you every morning’ ‘you’d be lucky to have me, I’d always go out my way to put a smile on your face’ ‘I know how to spoil a woman’

Also I mentioned about a fishing lake near mine as he said he likes fishing and he put ‘you’re really making me want to marry you’

He said last night ‘he’s not stopped smiling since he messaged me and that he can’t stop thinking about me and it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long time. He put last night ‘I hope you’re thinking about me before you go to bed’

Aibu to think this is too full on? I’ve not seen him in 6 years and even then he barely knew me as we only spoke briefly and we’ve texted for only 2 days and he is saying all this among other things.

Oh no no no

You need to stop replying and block him. He's an accident waiting to happen.

The red flags are out in force here. He sounds a complete nutter.

Stop engaging with him and block.

I really hope he doesn't know where you live.

@MadamBatty

The expression ‘I know how to spoil a woman’ can be understood in different ways.

Yes. In this case I’d put my life savings on it meaning “I know how to ruin her life.”

Not only would I run like hell, I'd change my identity and emigrate

If this was happening to your friend (or daughter in 20 years), you’d tell her to run a mile. He might be nice but he’s also bonkers and bad news. Ghost him.

This sounds scary !

There would have been nothing wrong with him getting back in touch, been honest that he’s had feelings for you etc and asking if you’d like to get to know each other more sort of thing , fine . But this is actually quite mental and I agree with the others who say be straight with him and then don’t engage .

More red flags that a CCP convention

than

Red flags are attracted to red flags, so I don't think the OP will heed our advice.

Run for the hills. Red flags all over

The man sounds seriously dodgy. Sorry. I haven't read the whole thread but this is my reaction to first page.

@Dita73

When he messages you again don’t respond for a while. When you do get back to him say you’ve been really busy. Keep the chat almost to small talk and if he starts being full on again just ignore it and leave the conversation and don’t talk to him for a few days or longer. Make him realise that he is just an acquaintance. Chat to him now and then but just dismiss all the full on crap. It is a bit creepy. Or of course just block his arse!

No chance. Do not message him again. Block him and forget him.

Sorry but this sounds like it could get really nasty really fast. I think you need to make a plan of action before blocking:

-tell your mutual friends to not share your details with him
-does he know where you work? Is it visible online?
-does he know where you live?
-does he know where your child goes to school?

I would send him a very calm and neutral message that says you don’t feel the same way, this is too intense and not appropriate for someone who has a child to consider. And that you are ending this, you don’t want contact from him and you want to consider it the end of any communication. That you will consider anything after this to constitute harassment.

Then block. If he knows your work place etc make sure to put a block on him contacting you there. Any school runs etc make sure you are around other people.

Might sound excessive but he is clearly not in a good mental place and better be safe than sorry.

Why are you being so passive here?

You’re making it sound like this is something that is happening to you, rather than something you’re engaging in. Stop giving him so many details about your life.

Is it that you want a relationship with him? If so, I’d run a mile, but the least you need to do is set out very clear boundaries, particularly around your child who he should absolutely NOT have any access to.

However, my approach would be to tell him you’re not interest and do not wish to be contacted by him anymore, and then block.

Please block him and I hope he has no idea where you live, warn any mutual friends.

We can only ever control our own behaviour and actions.

What worries me is you had to ask. I used to work as a volunteer in DV, it was the fundraising side but we had to have training and I met some of the women. Abusers seek out vulnerable women, I’m always loathe to say it because it sounds a bit victim blaming but If you had good boundaries you would have blocked him straight away and wouldn’t have needed to ask. So these guys push boundaries very quickly. Look at all the questions and statements he has made, it escalates with unnatural speed. He is basically testing how much he can get away with. He will do the same to the next woman as well and keep on doing it till he finds someone who believes him because she is vulnerable. It will be the same sort of statements with minor changes depending on ages of dc, time of year, job you do.

I had very poor boundaries (and absolutely no sense of danger) when I was single, but even I would have seen the warning signs here.

Tell him once that you want no more contact (in case you need to prove in the future that you had told him to stop) and then block him everywhere. Tell your mutual friend and be extra careful about security for a while.

In my late teens, I had two relationships which started in a similar way to this. Both proposed within a week. One was just a bit sad and desperate but not harmful, the other was actively abusive. At the time, I thought they must really like something about me to want to marry me so quickly. Now I recognize that they had spotted my isolation and vulnerability and wanted to exploit that.

Wow, 2 days!!!
I thought you were going to say a few weeks (even then that would be too much) That is quite disturbing.
You need to run for the hills……..very fast!

That's very scary. I'd block him.

OMG, that is waaay too full on. That kind of intensity can either feel great (if your boundaries are poor and you have self esteem issues) or can feel suffocating and threatening (if your boundaries are good and you have confidence in your own judgements)

You are feeling that this is too much so have spotted the signs. That's good, now you need to act on those instincts and block him.

Very wierd - I wouldn't be entertaining this!

I’m betting his ex partner has moved on with someone else and he’s on a mission to find someone to play happy families with just to get back at her.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Block and move on.

Run for the hills!

Then out of no where he put to me ‘you’re the one that got away’ ‘I always wanted you, you know I did’. We texted back and forth a bit and this is where it went from 0 to 100.

Errm. No. It was already well over 0 at that point and it's now somewhere around the 10 million mark. I have no idea why you're even asking. He's weird as fuck. Just block him.

He's not interested in you as a person - he's loveboming you as he obviously needs a replacement wife and somewhere to live.

It's not just that it's "too full on", OP - this was red flag central from the start, when he randomly messaged you as if you were friends and started unloading onto you about his ex.

He's literally gone through his Facebook like it's an online shop and has picked out his next wife from the pool of available candidates- if that doesn't make you angry and insulted, then I suggest you work on your self-esteem.

With someone like this who's ignoring the social cues and is interpreting your silence as consent (e.g. the holiday invitation - which is also the most brazenly insulting message that you're merely a replacement for his ex), this is only going to get worse.

You need to set clearer out boundaries and be more vocal in saying no to him, but I also wouldn't expect him to respect them or even to hear you - usually, the only way to wriggle free of someone who sees you as nothing more than a prop in their life is to block them completely.

He’s then gone on to say he’s got a caravan holiday booked at the seaside that he had booked in with his ex but he’s said me and DD can come with him ‘if we are lucky’. I didn’t say anything back to this and the next day he brought it up when I never agreed. ‘don’t forget you’re both coming away with me in October’

He sounds terrifying.